by A. S. Kelly
pregnancy, but my hips are already spreading and
so is my stomach, not to mention my chest, which
no longer fits into my usual bra size. I’ll have to
buy some new clothes, but with little money
available, it’s not going to be easy. I’ll be forced to
ask for help from my father and to tell him what’s
happening to his only daughter, who had a
promising career in front of her.
I’ve had to opt for a pair of leggings that still fit
me and a large T-shirt that hides my round
abdomen. As I’m still in front of the mirror
caressing the life that is growing inside of me, I
feel his discreet presence behind the closed door.
I blush, embarrassed, and pull my glance away
from my own image, and pretend to be looking for
something in my purse as I’m sitting on my bed.
“You’re beautiful, Erin,” he whispers and I can
hear his embarrassment too.
“And you’re an incurable liar,” I say, feeling as
if he’s making fun of me.
“Why should I lie to you?” he asks, taking a few
steps towards me.
“Because you know full well it’s not true. I’m
getting fat in a hurry and my hair won’t stay in
place and—”
“—And you’re talking smack,” he interrupts
me, taking my hand and forcing me to look at him.
“You always have been beautiful. The first time
you came to the pub I thought you were
breathtaking. You have a simple, sophisticated
beauty and you are so sweet. I understood in that
moment that I never would have had a chance with
you, that you were out of my league.”
“Out of your league? I think you got that turned
around … You’re the one who always goes out
with beautiful girls who are showy and—”
“Sexy, charming,” he continues. “But none of
them have your character, your brains and most of
all, your heart. No one is like you.”
I swallow hard and it’s a loud gulp and I’m
about to have a hormonal breakdown that would
push me to throw him down on the bed, begging
him to have his way with me.
God, I’ll never make it.
“I didn’t think you could be any more beautiful.
You’re simply stunning and … God, help me close
my mouth, won’t you? I’m making an ass out of
myself.”
I laugh at his words and I lean in towards his
lips, rising up to my tiptoes. I cover his mouth with
mine and his arms are ready and waiting to
envelop me, lifting me off the ground, and it’s not
just my body that feels itself rising in the air.
“They’re waiting for us. Let’s go before I regret
what I said the other night. It’s true I said I
wouldn’t throw you down someplace, but—”
“Knock it off,” I tell him, slapping his chest.
“Wait a second, who is waiting for us?” Anxiety
creeps in. He smiles, before biting his piercing
with his teeth.
God, I could just faint.
“You’ll see.”
~ ~ ~
“And this?” I ask when I see Liam’s car parked on
the street out front.
“Did you think I was going to bring you
someplace in a motorcycle?” Patrick says. “I’m
not that much of an idiot.”
“But you love riding your bike and you hate
four-wheeling it. You’ve always said women can’t
resist a guy with a bike.”
“Honey, are under the impression that I care
about other women? The only thing I’m interested
in is that you come with me and that we have a
safe means of travel.”
I have to say I was not expecting that. I don’t
know if I should be happy about this little prize or
if I should be worried about this head-spinning
change in him.
After about forty minutes we arrive in the city.
Patrick parks the car on a street just outside the
city center, where there are kids playing in the
middle of the street. He shuts off the car’s engine
while I stay sitting in my place and just take in the
scene. He comes around to my side and opens the
door.
“Shall we?” he offers me his hand.
“Uhm, I’ve already been here.”
And I’m right. I came here with Rain some
months ago when we went back to her childhood
home, trying to help her reconstruct her first
memories after the accident.
“You see that house with the green door?” he
tells me. “Good, well, that’s Aaron and Rain’s old
house. The one in front of it was Jay’s.”
“I don’t understand.”
“And this violet door was my family’s. I know,
violet is a weird color, but my sisters forced me to
paint it three years ago and it’s stayed like that.
Now that you mention it, it could use a new coat.”
“We’re at your house?”
“Technically it’s my family’s house, but I think
I could still consider it mine.”
“Patrick,” I say pulling him by his arm. “What
are we doing here?”
“We’re going to have lunch with my family, like
I do every Sunday.”
“Alright, let me rephrase the question. What am
I doing here?”
Patrick doesn’t have time to answer me because
the door flies open and two girls fly out and
literally throw themselves in his arms. He grabs
them even if they’re pretty grown-up girls and
kisses them both, visibly happy to see them.
“You mother trucker, you finally made a
decision, huh? You haven’t shown your face in two
weeks,” says the older of the two girls.
“Watch your language, young lady.”
Watch your language?
“What a ball breaker you are.”
“Do I have to tell Mom about this?” he calls her
out.
“Also a tattle tale. Same old bastard” intervenes
the second one.
“Okay, girls, you’re not helping me to make a
good impression. This is Erin.”
The two of them turn to me as if they’ve only
just now realized I’m standing here. Both of them
look first at me and then at him. It’s clear they
don’t know who I am. Patrick puts his hands in his
pockets, embarrassed.
“You brought a girlfriend home?” yells one of
the two.
“I’m a friend,” I clarify, trying to rescue us all
from this tricky situation. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“A friend? This is—”
“Okay, that’s enough. Erin, these are my two
younger sisters, the two thorns in my side, Ciara
and Amanda. And now let’s all go inside because
the others are all in a fistfight trying to get the best
spot by the window to see what’s happening out
here.”
With those words, I turn to look at the house
just in time to see other faces hiding behind the
curtains.
Patrick laughs and
shakes his head before taking
my hand and leading me to his house and without
knocking I enter into his life and his world.
Patrick
“Oh darling, finally!” My mother hugs me with
affection.
I called her early this morning to let her know I
was going to bring a guest. She didn’t ask me any
questions. She’s a discreet woman, but knowing
her she will have come to her own conclusions.
I don’t know why I decided to bring Erin with
me to my family’s house. I haven’t been here for a
few weeks and seeing as I cut my trip short I
thought I’d come, and yet I didn’t want to leave
her alone. Especially now that we’ve started to
establish something.
I still don’t understand what there is between us
and don’t want to get a headache trying to define
it, I just know I want her next to me and I want the
assurance that she’s well.
My brothers are all in front of the TV watching
a GAA match. They spare us a quick glance by
way of greeting, but Carl joins my mother and us.
“Mom, Carl, this is Erin.”
“Nice to meet you, honey. I’m Sarah and this is
Carl. Welcome to our house.”
“Thank you for the invitation, I hope it’s not
any trouble.”
“We’re happy you’re here. Patrick never brings
anyone, except those boys.”
“Mother!” I admonish her.
“You know I love them all, but it’s nice every
once in a while to see a new face.”
We take our places at the table. We’re a bit
tighter packed than usual and Erin is squeezed in
between my sister Ciara and me. She seems a bit
nervous and out of it, so I rest my hand on her leg,
squeezing just slightly to reassure her. She smiles
at me in thanks before answering the questions that
are coming at her from every part of the table.
She answers sincerely and politely, taking small
mouthfuls of whatever she can, chewing slowly.
Evidently she’s got a bit of nausea.
“And so you’re an only child,” my mother says.
Erin nods, before telling everyone her story. I
didn’t know her mother lived in America and that
she had gone there with her when she was still
little. I knew that she lived alone with her father,
but I never dug any deeper than that. In reality,
there’s a lot I don’t know about her.
“I can’t imagine what it means living without
siblings,” Ciara blurts out. “It must be strange, but
really spacious.”
Everyone bursts out laughing but Erin limits
herself to a circumspect smile. I hope these
comments haven’t upset her.
After lunch we go into the living room for
coffee, which Erin refuses in favor of a much
lighter tea. I follow my mother into the kitchen to
help her with the cups. She would not accept
Erin’s help, asking her instead to sit down like the
others because she was their guest, but I like
helping out, especially in the kitchen.
I reach for the cups on the top shelf, and my
mother leans in close to me, rubbing my arm
gently.
“What month is she?” she whispers.
Nothing gets by Mama.
“I don’t know if she wants to talk about it,
Mom.”
“Yes, dear, that’s why I’m asking you and not
her. I never would have embarrassed her like that.”
I turn and rest my shoulders up against the
cupboards behind me. “She’s in the first trimester.”
“Is she well?”
“Yes, everything’s okay. When did you realize?”
“I had six children, Patrick. I know the signs.
And then I saw her adjust her T-shirt a few times,
trying to cover something up that is difficult to
hide.”
“No one knows, she wants to wait a bit more.”
“And the father?” she asks delicately.
“How do you know it’s not mine?”
“Because I’m your mother, darling. If it was
yours you would have told me right away.”
“It’s complicated. He left her for someone else
and she found out she was pregnant and didn’t
want to tell him. She didn’t want to have him tied
down to her.”
“She’s a good girl.” She smiles. “And I can
understand her decision. But it’s not easy having a
child and a family, as you well know. It’s already
difficult even with a partner, how is she going to
make it without a father?”
I lower my glance because I don’t know how to
answer.
“And you? What’s your take in all this?” she
asks me, pouring the coffee.
“She’s a friend, she works at the pub. She’s
alone and…”
“And you’re a good boy, Patrick.”
“It’s not true, you know.”
“I know I raised a difficult child who was
always angry and who became a cold and cynical
man, but he’s one who is hiding a heart of gold.”
“You can only talk like that because you’re my
mother,” I concede, giving her a bitter smile.
“Perhaps … but I’m right and you know it too.
Do you feel some kind of obligation towards her,
Patrick? Are you trying to fix things? Maybe right
a wrong that’s been done?”
I shake my head and set the cups up on the tray.
“It wasn’t your fault what happened. She’s
already decided and there was nothing you could
have done to make her change her mind. I know it
and so do you.”
“Mom, Erin has nothing to do with that story,
this is a different situation.”
“Are you in love with her, Patrick?
“Fuck no!”
“Watch your language.”
“I’m sorry. No, I’m not in love with her,
Mother. I’m just trying to help out a friend in
trouble.”
“And does she know that she’s just your
friend?”
“What does that mean?” I ask without looking
at her.
“Oh honey,” she says, shaking her head and
going into the living room, leaving me alone with
my thoughts and my cowardice.
I follow her, feeling in a bad mood. Her words
made me reflect on what it is I’m really doing
here. Am I leading her on? Am I letting her believe
in something that isn’t really there?
Then I see her joking around with my brothers
and complimenting my mom for the beautiful
curtains. She seems comfortable, at peace, almost
happy. And my heart closes up in one bite,
obstructing my breathing once again.
What am I doing?
“Hey, everything alright, son?” Carl asks me,
coming close. “She’s a really nice girl, Patrick.”
I nod and give him my best fake smile.
“I’d like to see her again,” he adds and with
that, I find the courage to meet his glance. “Don’t
fuck this up, please,” he adds because he kno
ws
me. I’m anything but a model of integrity, even if
my mother obstinately sees something in me that
isn’t there.
Because this is who I am, who I’ve always
been. I was born like this. Unable to let anyone
into my heart and incapable of taking care of
someone else. Unable to feel anything like a
sincere and true emotion that goes beyond my own
physical needs.
I am a man with a stone heart that could only
smash and destroy a girl like her, who is so sweet
and in need of love.
A love that I’ll never be able to give her.
And when she turns towards me, smiling and
grateful for this warmth of a family that I
unconsciously let her be a part of, I can feel myself
dying and falling, because I am making an
unforgivable mistake letting her get close to
something that in reality can never be.
I am not a man who loves
I am not predisposed to love.
I can’t give her love. But there is something,
maybe, I can do for her and for the life that’s on its
way. I can help, be a shoulder to cry on, a rock to
grab on to. I can be close to her so she doesn’t feel
alone, because I know what it feels like and I don’t
want someone else to feel that way because of me.
I don’t want her to ever feel like that.
Ever.
15
Erin
“Thanks, that was a nice day,” I say as we park the
car outside the pub.
“Didn’t they make you uncomfortable? That’s
their speciality.”
I smile bitterly. “They were all fantastic, I didn’t
realize how much it means to have a family that
loves you so much and worries about you.”
“Why, isn’t yours like that?”
“Sure, but, you know, it’s just me and my dad
and he’s always busy. It’s not at all the same.”
My dad and I have a great relationship, we have
things in common. Neither of us is very expressive
emotionally, but we love each other and that’s
what counts.
It was just us for many years; I didn’t realize
that being around a family would have this effect
on me. I wouldn’t want my son to be forced to
grow up like me, with no relatives and just one
parent.
“Why do you call your father by his first name?
Is it some kind of masculine pride or something or
are you just too big for that kind of thing?” I tease
him a little just to distract myself.
“Because Carl is not my father. He’s not father
