by A. S. Kelly
can barely close, but by now everybody knows,
there’s no use trying to hide it. I get down to the
bar counter where Rain is laughing at something
that Liam just said and I decide to go back because
I can’t stand being around their love right now, but
before I can turn around I smack right into
something thick and massive.
My legs are quivering.
I don’t need to turn around. I know it’s him.
I can sense his presence like I know myself, as
if it was something that belonged to me. His hand
brushes my shoulder and I tremble at his touch
because I’ve missed him and I’m still missing him,
but I can’t give in and go back on what I’ve
already decided.
“Erin…” he whispers in my ear in that rough
sexy voice and God only knows what else. “Don’t
run away, I beg you.”
I shake my head and choke back the tears and
pray to God that this is some kind of hormonal
hallucination. I’m not strong enough to let him go.
“I’d like to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”
I grab my courage and breathe in before saying:
“We don’t have anything to say to each other.”
Then I free myself from his grasp and go back
upstairs with a shoulder that still burns from his
touch. I climb the stairs knowing that he is behind
me. Patrick isn’t one who easily gives up. I try to
shut the door in his face but he blocks it with his
foot. So I run into the bedroom and lock the door.
“Erin, please.”
“Go away, Patrick.”
“I’m not going anywhere and I swear to you,
I’ll kick down this fucking door if you don’t open
it.”
I back away from the door as soon as I start to
hear him punching it.
A few hits and the door gives way to his weight.
I cover my mouth with my hand and let out a
terrified scream of surprise and he doesn’t miss a
second, coming right at me and wrapping me up in
his secure embrace and covering my mouth with
his.
It’s not a delicate kiss, it’s not sweet. It’s strong
and raw and possessive.
Patrick eats my lips, he bites them with his
teeth, he sucks them and then he licks them in this
vortex of emotions. I completely lose control
because my hormones are going nuts and I want to
feel him inside of me right now.
He takes off my top and throws it on the floor
and his shirt ends up right next to mine a second
later. I don’t have anything on under it, I haven’t
had time to buy anything for my new chest size
and at the sight of my bare amplified breasts, he
lets out a growl that I can feel on every inch of my
body.
He lifts me as if I hadn’t put on ten pounds and
lays me on the bed. He kneels in front of me and
just stares at me, like he wants to memorize every
detail, every inch of my body.
I shiver at the idea and blush before he leans
over me and starts kissing my hips.
The outburst has been set aside and is
substituted with infinite sweetness and brings tears
to my eyes in thirty seconds. I cover my eyes with
my hands but it’s too late. He continues kissing me
and caressing me, as if I were the most beautiful
thing he’d ever seen in his life.
He slowly rises up toward my breast, where he
doesn’t stop even if inwardly I’m imploring him to
take me in his mouth and suck until I shout for him
to stop. He starts kissing me again when he gets to
the breastbone, passing the clavicle and going back
up along my neck, where he starts leaving a path
of little bites that set me aflame and I need to
orgasm soon, and possibly more than once.
He arrives at my lips and licks so lightly the
bottom one only and a gasp escapes me and it’s a
foreshadowing of what’s going to happen.
Then he looks me in the eye and it’s him, it’s my
Patrick. His eyes are sweet and sensual and I’d like
to run in this darkness and turn on a lantern to help
show him the way to my heart.
“Forgive me. Forgive me for the crap I said and
for having made you cry, for having broken your
door and jumped you. I promised I wouldn’t do it,
but knowing that you didn’t want me near you … I
went out of my head, Erin.”
I nod a few times to let him know it’s okay,
even if in reality it isn’t.
“You drive me insane. I completely lose control
when it comes to you and I can’t allow myself to
lose it, do you understand? I could only do
something bad. To both of us.”
“Patrick…”
“Please, forgive me. I can’t stay.”
“Wha… what?”
He sits up with his shoulders towards me. He
drops his head into his hands before speaking to
me without lifting his head.
“I’m no good for you, can’t you see that? You
can’t want this … you can’t want me for you and
your baby.”
He stands up and goes towards the living room
before leaving me with the words that will break
my heart.
“I can’t allow you to fall in love with me.”
Patrick
I sit on the floor under the counter with a bottle of
Jameson in my hand. The others have gone home
while I can’t leave this place because I know she’s
up there alone.
I jumped her like I would any other girl I want
to have fun with. I jumped her with no regard for
her feelings, without thinking, without reasoning.
And then, I walked away. All that sweetness, all
those feelings … they completely destabilized me.
I thought I could do it but she is too much for me,
I’m not able to contain everything I feel. I am not
able to maintain control.
I want her, I desire her, and I want to spend
every night with her in my arms, to help her…
I want her goddamnit.
All of her.
But I’m not able to, I don’t know how it’s done
… I’m not able to love.
What can I do? Stay with her? Raise somebody
else’s child? Me? The guy that’s always refused
the idea of a family, me who doesn’t want to end
up like my parents, that doesn’t want to live in a
shithole of a house in a rat hole of a neighborhood
with six mouths to feed and a part-time job?
Okay, things are going well for me now, I’m
alone and I have no responsibility, I have no one to
maintain and no one to take care of.
And I’m not able to face anything more than
day-to-day life where I am all that matters.
Love consumes you, it bends you and it
destroys you.
I bang my head against the wood, cursing
myself for having gone to that girl’s house and
trying to screw her and then leaving half naked
with my mind completely flooded with Er
in, Erin,
Erin.
I wasn’t able even to look at her.
Couldn’t do it.
And now I’m here cursing myself for having
followed her upstairs, jumping her and then
leaving her alone. In front of her body I couldn’t
hold back. I just wanted to kiss her, her sweet
stomach that drives me insane, her swollen breasts
and her pink round face. I wanted to kiss every
part of her. And I can’t explain myself, I can’t tell
you why her body excites me more than anything
I’ve ever seen in my life.
She’s pregnant. By someone else.
And I wish it were mine.
That they were both mine.
I must have drunk too much and am completely
delusional by this point, but it feels like someone
is calling me.
“Patrick…”
I shake from my stupor that I was wallowing in
and try to stand up and don’t make a good show of
it.
“Get outta here, Erin. You shouldn’t be next to
me, especially in these conditions.”
“It’s not the first time I’ve seen you drunk.”
“No, I don’t imagine it is, nope.”
She comes towards me slowly and tries to touch
my face but I pull back, turning away.
Her hand remains in the air and I can hear her
disappointment even if I don’t see it painted in her
eyes.
Erin doesn’t give up; she takes another step and
forces me to turn, taking my face in her hands. Her
eyes are kind, sincere and so sweet, chocolate
colored, the good kind that in my house we only
bought once a year at Christmas.
She smiles at me and I melt like a baby in front
of a puppy, like an idiot in love and completely
gone, slave to something I didn’t look for, but did
manage to unearth despite it’s being far from the
sun.
Because this girl is like the unexpected sun that
turns up on a crappy day. One of those days you’re
convinced it’ll never stop raining. And yet, it does,
the clouds open up and the first rays of light
appear in the sky, letting you know that
tomorrow’s going to be a better day.
That’s how I feel when she looks at me. I feel
hope grow and life is colored in a hundred shades
and my heart starts to beat again.
Why is she so special? Why is she able to make
me believe I can be different, to be better than
what I was yesterday?
“Erin…” I make a last attempt, trying to think
like the old Patrick, even if I know it’s too late for
that. The old Patrick is waving goodbye from a
distance and slamming the door behind him.
I let her touch my face with her warm hand and
it’s shaking and I feel a strange sensation, a sort of
tickling in my eyes.
Am I about to cry?
“Don’t do it, please. You’re going to get hurt.
You’ll hurt yourself. You said it, I’m good for a
night and a goodbye kiss.”
“I’m scared too,” she says instead.
“I can’t take care of anyone.”
“You’ve been doing it all your life,” she says
sweetly.
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Erin. I’m
not able to think about anyone besides myself.”
“You’ve been taking care of your family since
you were just a boy.”
I look at her, confused.
“Did you think I didn’t know? And you take
care of your friends, and you’ve looked after
Rain.”
I shake my head back and forth and bite my
cheek so hard it starts to bleed. Anything not to cry
in front of her.
“I’m tired of spinning in circles, I’m exhausted
of taking care of everything and everyone … I
can’t take any more on my plate, I can’t take care
of you.”
Her smile widens even more and I think I’ll die
of shame in light of her shared confidence.
“Then I’ll take care of you. ”
“You’ll what?” I let go of my cheek and a big
fucking tear slides down the corner of my eye and
falls until it hits the corner of my mouth.
She steps closer and rests her forehead against
mine. “I’ll take care of your heart and make sure
nothing bad happens to it.”
“Erin…”
“Shh! Everything’s going to be alright, trust
me.”
And so let’s see, asshole, idiot and let’s add
coward to the CV.
She’s the one who needs someone to support
her and help her, not me. She needs me, not the
other way around.
“And if I screw it up? If I should hurt you?
Make you suffer?”
“One day at a time. We’ll try it together. I’m
letting you into my life, Patrick Doyle, I’m giving
you my trust.”
“You’re giving your trust to someone who
leaves the next day?” I ask, incredulous.
“We’ll start by spending this night together. And
tomorrow we’ll think about the rest,” she says as
she takes my hand and asks me to follow her.
And I follow her upstairs, where she lays me on
the bed and lies next to me, hugging me and
reassuring me, warming me with her body and her
heart.
I rest my head on her chest and place a hand on
her stomach and she sighs. I caress her under her
shirt to feel her skin with my fingers, to feel this
life that is growing inside of her and that is asking
me to stay.
And I want to stay, damn it.
I really do.
Tonight and tomorrow morning.
And all of the days that are to come.
17
Erin
“Are you sure you want to go alone? I can go with
you,” Patrick says as I try to prepare myself
psychologically to go to the airport to meet my
father. He’ll be here in the afternoon. He called me
this morning to tell me he had booked the first
flight for Dublin.
“This is something I have to do by myself.”
He nods, not very convinced.
“Erin,” he starts, uncertain. “About last night
—”
“We don’t have to talk about it right now,” I
interrupt him. “I was already out of sorts after
what’s happened and now my dad’s coming … I
don’t want to analyze it all now.”
“I think we’re going to have to face it.”
I nod in agreement and take a deep breath.
“I know, just not right now.”
His cell phone has been going off incessantly
for a few minutes. Patrick looks at the display
distractedly and then decides not to take the call.
“You should answer,” I tell him, giving him a
sideways glance.
“Whatever it is it can wait.”
I go to him and take the phone out of his pocket.
I push the green button and hand it to him.
I don’t want him to forget about everything else
just because he’s with me now.
>
He reluctantly responds. A few phrases and he
wrinkles his forehead and starts to drum his fingers
nervously on the kitchen counter. He closes the
phone and looks at me uncertainly.
“What’s the matter?”
“It was Ciara. My … father showed up at my
house.” He huffs, dark in the face.
“What?”
“And it went badly. My brother Danny beat him
up.”
My heart tightens in my chest at the idea of a
father that could abandon his children like that,
without looking back, only to show up when it’s
convenient for him knowing how it will upset
them.
Patrick is worried, I can read it very clearly in
his eyes. He’d like to run there and punch
everything up and I can’t help but worry that it
could truly happen. But I can’t keep him here or
oblige him to stay with me. He has to worry about
his family and resolve the situation.
“You have to go to him, he needs you.”
“You need me.”
“I’m fine and in a little bit I’m going to collect
my father. It’ll be okay.” I smile at him.
“You’ll call me if there should be any problems,
right?” he asks worriedly.
“Go on,” I reply, turning my back to him.
“Erin…”
In an instant his breath is on my neck.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry for
everything.”
I turn around again and caress his full beard.
“I know.” I smile again.
“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”
“There’s nothing to forgive, Patrick. It was just
a moment, you lost control, that’s it.”
“It should never happen again.”
I look at him, tilting my head and trying to
figure out what this means. “And what does that
mean exactly?”
“You have to promise me that if something like
that should happen again where I lose control, for
any reason, in any moment, that you will get far
away from me, kicking me if necessary, so that I
cannot and do not want to hurt you in any way.”
“Patrick…”
“You have to promise me, Erin.”
His words scare and confuse me.
“Please,” he implores me.
“I promise you, Patrick.”
He sighs and comes a bit closer and gives me a
chaste kiss on the cheek and goes, leaving me
perplexed.
I can’t understand why he’s so scared of hurting
me. I know anything could happen with anyone.
Look at Nate for example.
Nate. Thinking of him makes me sad instantly.
