by A. S. Kelly
Not so much because I miss him but because I
realize how easy it was to set aside my feelings
and not only because he betrayed me and fell in
love with someone else. It was enough for me just
to be near Patrick for a few minutes to understand
that what I felt for Nate was nothing in comparison
to what I feel when I’m looking into Patrick’s eyes
and what I feel in my heart when it’s close to his.
How could I believe that what I had before with
Nate was love? How could I have imagined even
for a minute that I could have had a future with
him?
What I feel for Patrick is intense and
destabilizing. It scares me and leaves me wanting
more at the same time. To have him for me, for us.
That’s right because I’m not alone anymore,
there are two of us and I understand having me
means a lot more than having a relationship with
two people.
I’m going to have a child. My life will change,
my priorities will change, and everything will be
different. Difficult and complicated. I really don’t
know if Patrick will be able to handle all this and
his request only makes me dubious but it’s too late
to turn back now.
By now, I’m in the thick of it with all my heart.
I already feel like I can’t and don’t want to give
him up.
I want him. For myself. For us. With all that
comes with it, the risks and the fear.
Even if it should break my heart.
Patrick
My mother is completely shaken. I went to see
what I could do to ameliorate the damage caused
once again by the man who should be my father.
He shows up once or twice a month at my family’s
house, to see my brothers, Robbie and Danny. No
big deal, he just drops by, has a cup of coffee, a
chat about nothing. But more often than not, he’s
drunk, which only causes trouble and upsets
everyone with his presence. But Robbie and
Danny were still little when he left and still hope
and believe that he is something better than he is.
They decided to give him a chance, a trust that he
has never deserved and every single time they end
up being disappointed.
This time, the situation has degenerated. My
dad can’t stand the sight of Carl and when Danny
called him ‘Dad’ in front of him, he lost control
and threw himself at his wife’s new man.
Danny loves Carl as if he really were his father
and ran across to defend him. He came out of it
with a bloody nose and a busted lip.
I found him on the couch at home as my mother
was trying to patch him up, and he’s still angry
because of the fight. Carl is sitting in the corner
feeling guilty as always for just being there. As if
it were really his fault.
How is it possible to abandon a family like that?
To deny them everything when it mattered and
then to show up when you feel like it and just
create problems? How can you get married, have
children and then destroy it all? Kill all of their
dreams, make them feel worthless, leave them with
their ass on the ground with no security or money?
That’s what love is? This is what we’re reduced
to? This is what love reduces people to?
None of my siblings got out without damage
from our father in our lives, just like our mother.
We carry the wounds that have healed. The ones
that teach you that life can be a real shit sandwich,
and so can love. That certain people hurt you and
frequently they do it on purpose. You can’t even
trust your own parents, because they too could
leave you in any moment and then there you are
alone and insecure with your hopes down the drain
and your heart turned to stone.
After having calmed Danny down and
reassuring mom that everything’s going to be fine,
that I will always take care of them, I go back to
the pub. Tonight I have to work even if I’d like to
run to her to find out how things are going with
her father.
So I make my way to the door of Only4you with
my morale in the toilet, worried about my family
and in desperate need of some dark liquid to drown
my anxiety in.
I feel a wreck, and without any certainties. I
think that my life is a big disaster, everything
always goes wrong. There doesn’t seem to be any
hope to breathe in any happiness and love when
people hurt each other, deliberately trading barbs
with little regard for the consequences.
What’s the use of even trying? What’s the use of
trying to find a reason to go on?
Life bends you.
Love breaks you.
Hope fogs your mind and then shows itself for
what it really is, just a little cloud that doesn’t
permit you to see reality clearly.
I am so worn down by what’s happened and
wrapped in clouds of dark thoughts. I raise my
glance and her eyes capture me, they tie me to her
and drag me to her feet.
After having held my breath and my rage for
hours, I completely melt in her arms where I fall
hard without thinking of the consequences.
She holds me tight and whispers words I don’t
hear with my ears but which have a healing effect
on my open, bleeding wounds.
Lost and insecure … You found me, you found
me … Lyin’ on the floor … Surrounded,
surrounded.
The words of the song playing in the pub reveal
what has been hidden to my own eyes. What I
didn’t want to see or understand. What I denied
with all my heart.
There it is, damn it.
There’s my hope.
She is my hope.
~ ~ ~
“Shh … everything’s alright.”
I rest my head on her shoulder and just let it go.
My tears fall and in so doing unknot that twisted
mass that had me suffocating in a terrible excuse
of a life only to escape to something that could
hurt me even more.
Where were you? Where were you? … Just a
little late … You found me, you found me.6
I don’t say anything, I just let her hold me like a
child abandoned by his father in his moment of
need. Like a boy who had to drop out of school
and forget about his dreams to take care of his
family. Like a boy who was trapped in a spiral of
bullshit and false convictions which brought him
even lower and more needy of affection.
That boy needed to be reassured and brought
back home. He needed to grow up and become a
man.
6 You Found Me, The Fray, The Fray
“I need you,” I whisper into her hair. “I need
you, Erin. It really terrifies me because I’ve never
needed anyone in my life. But now,” I say, raising
my head, “I need you.”
She looks at me and she’s so beautiful and
true
and … mine.
She is here for me.
And it’s real, even if it scares me.
She shines like a light on a stormy night that
shows you the way home safe and sound.
I take her with both hands, not careful about the
fact that we’re in the pub full of customers and
I’ve probably got everyone looking at us, that
Rain’s probably in the corner somewhere crying. I
don’t give a shit about anything. The only thing
that matters to me is in front of me and I’m
looking her in the eyes.
“It’s you,” I whisper before smiling like a
crying idiot.
“It’s me, what?”
“You’re my hope, Erin O’Neill.”
18
Erin
His hope.
I’m his hope.
I look at him dreamily with my heart galloping
in my chest and my head and tears flooding my
eyes.
He is handsome and sweet.
And he’s mine.
I caress his face, which is magnificently
covered in beard, and I smile at him, so thankful
for opening his heart to me, for letting me in
despite everything.
I draw closer to his lips and brush them
delicately, tasting his tears that fall undisturbed
since the minute he set foot in the pub and our eyes
met.
“Erin!”
I turn from this beautiful dream, which I would
not like to wake up from because my father just
walked in the door of Only4you.
~ ~ ~
He had called me to let me know his flight was
going to be late and that he’d take a taxi so I didn’t
have to wait for him.
We separate from each other immediately,
embarrassed and shaken up to face what I’ve
feared for weeks.
“Do you want to explain to me what’s going on
here?” he asks, closing the distance between us.
“Dad,” I start, but Patrick moves to the side and
I can read in my dad’s eyes that the revelation has
hit him full on.
“Erin … what…”
“Dad, I can explain.” I begin swallowing hard
but Patrick steps in front of me and does
something I never would have expected.
“Sir,” he says, looking him right in the eyes.
“Erin and I wanted to tell you before, but we didn’t
think it was appropriate on the phone.”
What the devil is he doing?
I pull him on his arm to get him to look at me,
but he gives me a very confident and disarming
smile that makes me shut up on the spot.
“Erin … so that’s it? You’re pregnant?”
“Let’s not do this here, Dad. Let’s go upstairs.”
He nods, confused, and I lead him towards the
door that leads to the stairs and everyone in the
pub resumes their business. By now the show is
over. As I walk slowly with my head down, I feel
some fingers interlacing with mine. I freeze and
raise my head.
“What are you doing?” I ask him in a whisper
with my father at our heels.
“I’m coming with you.”
“Patrick—”
“I’m staying, Erin.”
I nod gratefully and feel the anxiety fleeing
from every part of my body.
He is with me.
He is here to stay.
His closeness and his tight grip on my hand give
me courage and make me feel less alone.
We go up the stairs in silence; I open the door
and let my father in.
“So … this is where you live?” he asks, looking
around. “And does he live here too?” he continues
without even looking at Patrick.
“Dad, please…”
“Erin,” he says calmly (my father is not the type
of man to raise his voice). “I have just returned to
you. I left you alone for a few months in safe
hands and now I find you without a house,
pregnant and tied to a penniless bum who works in
a bar?”
“The penniless bum is standing right here,”
Patrick sarcastically chimes in. “And he doesn’t
work at the pub, he owns it.”
“Oh, please excuse me,” my father intervenes.
“But you’re one of four owners, isn’t that right?”
“Five,” he corrects. “Now there are five of us.”
“Oh, even better. A dive bar in a neighborhood
of drunks and beggars, its ownership divided into
five parts of which you have one. Congratulations
on your choice, Erin.”
I bite my lip so as to stop myself bursting out
crying, but Patrick puts his hands on my shoulders
and squeezes, letting me feel his nearness and his
warmth.
And I fall apart, I start crying like a baby
because I feel the shame hit me and the uncertainty
about the future hits me full on.
So Patrick turns me towards him and holds me
in his arms, gently kissing my forehead. He
brushes my hair and tells me it’s all going to be
okay and that he’s with me.
“So that’s how it is, huh? You got my daughter
pregnant?”
“We’re expecting a baby,” Patrick corrects him.
We’re waiting.
Oh my goodness. His words fill me with
security. Suddenly I’m not alone or helpless or
intimidated by my father. I feel strong, sure and
fortunate. Because there is a life growing in me
and because Patrick is saying that in his way he
wants to be part of my life.
Of us.
I lift my head from his chest and dry my tears. I
look at him for a moment before taking his hand
and squeezing it hard in mine. He let’s out his
breath and gives me a big smile and I return it right
back.
Then, I turn to my father, feeling proud and with
my head held high. I tell him: “We’re expecting a
baby.”
My father shakes his head and begins pacing the
apartment. Then he stops, clears his throat and
speaks to me in a calm tone of voice.
“Okay dear, what’s done is done. There is no
problem. You will come with me and I will take
care of everything. You will have the baby and we
will find someone to take care of it so that you will
be able to continue with your life and—”
“Dad,” I interrupt him. “This is my life.”
“This?” he looks at me, unbelieving. “Working
part-time in a pub for some guy that got you
pregnant? That’s what you’re aspiring to? We had
plans, Erin.”
“She’s grown up, sir. She’s grown into a
wonderful woman. And she’s my woman.” Patrick
intervenes with eyes full of pride and with his
chest puffed out with emotion.
“Good lord, Erin! How could you have fallen so
low? Look at him! He’s a complete failure. How
old are you, lad? Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?”
“Thirty,” Patrick corrects him once again, and
once again my dad replies with the same words.
“This gets even
better! Thirty years old and still
here playing barman and what? Wait a second,
you’re a musician, right? What do you think you
can give my daughter? Come on, let’s hear it.”
Patrick does not freak out even though I can see
his jaw is tense. I squeeze his hand hard to give
him my support, hoping he looks at me and that he
knows how much this situation is upsetting me.
But he doesn’t. He just looks at my father with a
cold stare and when I start to fear the worst, he
simply says: “All of me. I will give her all of me.
It’s the only thing she needs right now.”
My father raises his hands to the heavens
exhaustedly then looks at me. “I’d like to talk to
you in private, Erin. Maybe tomorrow, when
things have calmed down a bit.”
He leans over, gives me a kiss on the cheek and
leaves, leaving us in this apartment which
suddenly feels too tight and too silent.
Patrick
I take a few deep breaths to calm the rage I’m
feeling right now. Okay, it’s all right. He found out
Erin is pregnant and I told him the baby was mine.
I understand it’s a shock, a surprise, whatever you
want to call it. But what I didn’t hear was one
word of support, comprehension or love come out
of his mouth. What the fuck? Not even a ‘how are
you doing?’, how about a ‘you okay?’ or maybe a
‘are you and the baby well?’
Nothing.
I turn slowly to look at her. Her eyes are fixed
on the door her dad just walked out of. I let her
hand go and start to walk away when she grabs my
wrist and literally throws herself in my arms. This
time I don’t hesitate even a second to pull her
towards me.
“I’m so terribly sorry for the things he said,”
she mutters, burying her face in my chest.
I rub her nape and kiss her hair.
“Are you alright?” I ask, for I’m worried about
how she must be feeling.
“No,” she whispers. “It was really bad. He
shouldn’t have said those things to you. He doesn’t
even know you, I’m sorry. I feel so guilty, you
should not have said—”
“Erin.” I stop her before she can go on. “I don’t
care what people say or think about me, including
your father. The only thing that matters to me is
what you think.”
She looks at me through red tear-stained eyes,
for she’s been crying so much.
“I think you’re a wonderful man, Patrick. And
that I’m the luckiest woman on the earth because
