The Girl in My Dreams

by Logan Byrne

  We sat at my house and went over homework for a bit while our pizza bagels cooked in the oven. We didn’t say another word about my impending doom, which was either really good or really bad, depending on how you look at life. My mom came home, and Martin left, having to babysit Tanya for the night while his parents went out for their ballroom dancing class.

  I looked at the clock on the microwave. Five-thirty. I had about five or six hours left before I hit the guillotine.

  •••

  What was I getting myself into? I thought about that as I sat in my bed, ready to go to sleep, with just the small lamp near my bed on. It was all so hard to process, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to handle it. I thought about not going to sleep like Martin said, but I knew it would only be a short matter of time before I finally had to sleep and there she’d be. I just wanted to buy myself more time, but it couldn’t happen. She somehow knew whenever I was there.

  I decided to take my fate like a man, and like a man I did. I lay back, turned off that little lamp, and closed my eyes without looking back.

  It took a while, probably twenty minutes, but I finally drifted off. The black abyss of my eyelids disappeared and I was at the swing set. I looked around, the sun shining brightly, but I didn’t see Belle. Maybe she wasn’t going to show up. Maybe she had no idea I was here and I could figure out a plan in the morning.

  Before I could get comfortable, though, she appeared in front of me, about twenty feet away, and walked toward me with a somber look on her face.

  “Hi,” I said, unsure of what else to say.

  “Hey,” she said, walking over to me.

  “So, what are we doing today?” I asked.

  “Did you have anything in mind?” she asked.

  “Not really,” I said.

  “There’s one place I haven’t taken you so far. It’s beautiful,” she said.

  “We can go if you want. Where is it?” I asked.

  “Everest. I was just there, actually. It’s pretty beautiful,” she said.

  “Okay, sounds like a plan,” I said.

  It was painfully awkward between us, more than it ever had been before, and I thought we both felt it. She might say she wanted this, but it was more than apparent that she was taking it with at least some difficulty, just like I was. It was a breakup that you know should happen, but you find yourself having a tough time actually breaking it off. This was a bit harder than that, though.

  She grabbed my hand, and we were transported somewhere I’d only seen in nature documentaries and in magazines. It was majestic.

  The visibility was insane, as the winds blew but weren’t cold like I’d imagined. I guess that was a perk of being in a dream world. That and the whole being able to breathe thing, that is.

  “I like to come up here when I need to think or just need a break or whatever. I feel like it really allows me to free my mind,” she said.

  “I can see why you chose it,” I said, sitting down on a rock.

  “Are you okay?” she asked as she sat down beside me.

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I said, looking in the other direction.

  “I want this to be a good memory, Theo. I don’t want us to be down in the dumps or whatever. We shouldn’t give up an opportunity like this,” she said.

  “We’re not really giving up an opportunity, though. It’s not like we can’t still see each other in here,” I said.

  “Do we have the ability to? Sure, we definitely do. Can we, though? No, we can’t,” she said.

  “Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it. There’s no point. We both have our opinions on the matter, and like you said, we should just enjoy the time together,” I said as I looked back over to her.

  She bit her lower lip gently, but not in the cute way she used to when I’d say something sweet. Instead she just looked a bit defeated, a little sad, and a lot unsure about what to do next.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I said, putting my arm around her.

  She scooted in closer, resting her head on my shoulder, and we looked out into the distance together. It was nice, being like this again, all cute, when I’d only had thoughts about our demise since I found out about it.

  We found ourselves transporting to many different locations, including the field, Paris, and even back among the cosmos, where we flew like rocket ships between the stars. We found ourselves inside that valley where she shocked me that one day, and as we sat on the ledge, reflecting, I was reminded why I fell in love with her in the first place.

  “How about that time I made soda shoot out of your nose?” she asked, laughing.

  “That wasn’t funny! You wouldn’t believe how much that hurt. I can still feel the fizz shooting out every time I take a sip,” I said.

  “Or when you gave me a black eye,” she said.

  “Okay, that wasn’t my fault and you know it. Well, it was my fault, but it wasn’t intentional. I slipped!” I said.

  “I know you did. I’m just teasing you,” she said, laughing.

  There was something both joyous and melancholic about sitting here laughing and reminiscing with her. On one hand I was happy to relive the memories, some of which I’d forgotten, but I was also sad because I knew that we wouldn’t relive them together ever again. They’d only be memories to me, memories that I’d think about alone, and if I forgot any of them, they’d be lost forever.

  “It’s nice to be like this,” I said.

  “Yeah, I like it,” she said, smiling at me.

  “How much time would you say we have left?” I asked.

  “Not enough,” she said.

  “There’s another place I want to go to before it’s too late,” I said.

  “Where?” she asked.

  “Surprise,” I said, as I held out my hand.

  She took it, and I teleported us to the one spot that meant more to the both of us than anywhere else in the world. It wasn’t the fanciest place, and it definitely wasn’t the most beautiful, but it beat those other places on every single spectrum.

  “I thought we could go back to where it all began,” I said as we stood on the curb in front of our houses, facing the swing set.

  “It’s only fitting,” she said.

  We didn’t let go of each other’s hands, instead finding some kind of solace in the closeness that we were bound to soon lose. The grass was dewy, and the once-beating sun was now absent as night had fallen and the soft glow of fireflies lit the way. We walked slowly, and I savored every single step, every single breath, every single second I had left with her.

  A blanket, the same one we’d used a ton of times, sat on top of the grass, and we both lay down without saying a word. I stretched out my arm and she rolled up into place, resting her head on my chest and wrapping her right arm around me. It was bliss.

  “So, what are you going to do with your time without me?” I asked.

  “I guess all the same stuff I do when you’re not here. You’d be surprised how much there is to do in this world,” she said.

  “Are you going to miss me?” I blurted out.

  “Is that a real question?” she asked.

  “Yes,” I replied softly.

  “I’ll miss you a lot more than you know,” she said.

  I tried as hard as I could to hold everything back, as I knew that I couldn’t get emotional or mess things up. My mouth got me into this mess, and saying something wrong, especially when this was our final time together, could be one of the costliest mistakes I’d ever make in my life. I could yell it out once I woke up.

  “I’m sorry about yesterday, you know,” I said.

  “It’s okay. I’m not mad at you or anything. I think it needed to be said,” she said.

  “Why’s that?” I asked.

  “Because it was what you were thinking, and I never want you to feel scared around me. I always want you to speak your mind and let me know how you feel,” she said.

  Even though she was basically giving me a free pass, I bit my tongue and
instead agreed, telling her that I’d never held anything back from her. She must’ve bought it, because she didn’t press any further.

  “It’s getting close to the end,” she said.

  “I know. I can feel it,” I said, as I started to feel anxious.

  “Before anything happens, I need you to understand something, Theo,” she said.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I love you more than you know. I always thought you were my soul mate, and I haven’t lost that love for you. I know this seems a bit harsh of me, and you’re likely resenting it, but I’m doing this for you. Sometimes when you love somebody as much as I love you, you’re forced to sacrifice things to make sure they’re happy. You only get one life, one real life, and trust me, you don’t want to screw it up. There are many things I wish I would’ve said or done, and now I’ll never have the chance to. There are also many joys in life that I know you want to experience someday, and I can’t hold you back. You might say you can handle seeing me and still have those things, but I know you better than you know yourself, and I know that it isn’t true. I know I’m saying an awful lot right now, but if you retain anything from what I just said, please just remember that I love you with all of my heart. All of it,” she said.

  My emotions got the better of me, and I felt a few tears slip down my cheeks. She wiped them away, a look on her face of utter sadness, and I knew she hated the decision she was forced to make. Maybe it was me that prompted it, but it was happening, and it was happening any second.

  “I love you too, Belle. I remember many nights where I looked out my window and saw the light in your bedroom on. I wanted nothing more than to just say hi, and I’m afraid that we lost out on many years together because I was too scared to make that move. Even though that’s a slight regret, I’m very fortunate and ecstatic about the times we did have together—especially before the end. I know you don’t want me to compare anybody to you, since you don’t think it’s fair to them, but I don’t think I’ll ever not be able to do that. I just hope that one day you visit me again, and that this isn’t the last time I’ll ever see you,” I said.

  “It’s time, Theo. You’re beginning to wake up,” she said.

  “Kiss me,” I said, in an almost panic.

  “Theo, I don’t—”

  Cutting her off, I leaned in and pressed my lips against hers. I couldn’t bear the thought of never doing it again. I needed it like I needed air.

  We slowly pulled away, and I looked into her teary and slightly bloodshot eyes. Before I could say another word, my entire world started to disappear, and her face drifted off like a wisp of smoke in a breeze. I opened my eyes to the stale, depressing sight of my white plastered ceiling.

  I sat up, pressed my back against my headboard, and cried harder than I ever had before. It was over. She was gone.

  Chapter Twenty

  There’s something about being alone that makes you feel, well, lonely.

  A couple of weeks had gone by since things ended between Belle and me. I tried everything to get over it, but I hadn’t. I admit that during the first few days I even searched for her at night in my dreams, but I was never able to find her. I went to our usual places, yelled her name, and did anything and everything I could think of, but it was to no avail. She was now a ghost, and I couldn’t see her.

  I’d been talking to Kelly a little bit more, but it was mostly about prom-related things. I couldn’t tell if she liked me or if she just really wanted somebody to go to prom with, but I didn’t think it mattered much either way. It wasn’t like I was about to jump into something with anybody.

  I stood in line at the end of the school day, waiting for my cap and gown retrieval. Prom was this weekend, already, and graduation wasn’t too long after that. It was surreal picking up the purple cap and gown. Its slick, shiny material was incredibly thin and flowy. I didn’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this.

  “Man, this is so cool. We did it,” Martin said as we walked to his car with our gowns.

  “Yeah, it’s crazy,” I said, holding mine up.

  “Remember when we first came here? We were like babies, man. That one kid tried to sell you an elevator pass and everything,” he said.

  “Don’t remind me. I think that guy was a senior, and I’m pretty sure he still goes here,” I said with a smile.

  “He’s going to be the only one legally allowed to drink at prom,” Martin said as he unlocked his car.

  I tossed my backpack in the backseat and hung my gown from the hook. There were few cars left in the parking lot, as we’d gotten to the line after most people were already there and waiting.

  “I have everything major done homework-wise. What about you?” Martin asked as we pulled out of the lot.

  “Yeah, I just have a few small assignments. I’m going to do them tonight, I think,” I said.

  “Same here. I don’t want the weekend filled with homework—especially after prom,” he said.

  “So you’re picking me up again?” I asked.

  “Yeah, is Kelly going to be with you?” he asked.

  “Yeah, my mom and her mom both want to get pictures and all that. You know how moms can be,” I said.

  “Same with mine. My mom is meeting me over at Kara’s house, and then taking pictures there,” he said.

  “Still can’t believe you’re taking her,” I said.

  “Better than going alone, I suppose,” he said.

  “I think you’re going to end up dating her,” I said.

  “I think that’s a bold statement. I’m not sure I could date a woman I was afraid of,” he said.

  “Well, then, that will be pretty tough, considering you’re afraid of every woman,” I said, laughing.

  “Rude,” he replied, even though I caught him smirking.

  We pulled into my driveway, and I put my things on the kitchen table before we grabbed some food and went upstairs to my room to play video games. I guess that’s what guys our age do when they’re about to graduate. They let go of all of their inhibitions and get lazy.

  “Man, you still have this here?” he said, looking out my window as I turned on my console.

  “What?” I asked, walking over.

  “This line,” he said, pointing to the string between my window and Belle’s.

  “Yeah. No point in taking it down,” I said.

  “Maybe you should,” he said, grabbing a controller.

  “Why?” I asked.

  “To cut the line. You’re still connected to her, metaphorically at least, and you need to sever the string and let go,” he said.

  “I don’t think it works like that,” I said.

  “You also didn’t think a dead girl could visit you in your dreams either. Cutting it won’t actually do anything physical, but like I said, it’s a metaphorical thing. It’s tying you to her still, it even goes to her room,” he said.

  “I don’t know. Let’s just play the game,” I said.

  Martin dropped the subject, and we started the game. I got slaughtered and he ran free. I knew it was stupid, and he himself said that it was only metaphorical, but would it help? That string was tattered and barely even hanging on by a single weak thread. Was that kind of like my connection to her now? Just a single weak thread holding on to nothing? One strong gust of wind could come through and destroy it.

  I remembered all the messages we sent to each other on that string. As I looked out at it, I could almost see her giggling on the other end, her front teeth missing, when we used it to talk super late at night when we shouldn’t have been awake. Even back then I was smitten with her.

  “Maybe you’re right,” I said as he took a turn playing the game alone.

  “About what?” he asked, clearly entranced in the game.

  “About the string. Maybe I should take it down,” I said.

  “Oh, I didn’t know you were actually going to do it. You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he said.

  “Look at how it is, th
ough. It’s hanging on for dear life, as if it’s hanging on to something that isn’t really there. It’s weak and miserable, and cutting it will stop the wind from knocking it around and causing it to weaken even more. Doing this might put it out of its misery and let it finally live,” I said.

  “That’s deep, man,” Martin said.

  I walked to my desk and grabbed a pair of scissors before opening my window. It creaked as some dust fell down, since it hadn’t been opened in a very long time. A small breeze rolled through as that tattered, weak piece of string tried to hold on to something that it should have broken away from a long time ago. I put the blades up to it, then pressed down and snapped the line. It let go, the breeze picking it up, as instead of being knocked down by the wind, it flowed freely with it. I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly before turning around and getting back into the game with Martin.

  •••

  “Oh, honey, you look so handsome!” my mother said as I walked downstairs in my tuxedo.

  “Yeah, I like it. The color is nice,” I said as I looked down at myself.

  Kelly had told me she had a dark blue dress, and I got a tie in a matching color, which was pretty easy. I didn’t have to wear a feminine color, which was definitely fine by me.

  “What time is your date arriving?” she asked.

  “Kelly and her mom should be here soon. She texted me a bit ago saying they were on their way,” I said.

  “Great. I’ll go get my camera. I’m excited to meet her,” she said before walking off.

  I walked to the mirror in the front hall and looked at myself before fixing my hair and smelling my breath. Everything looked about as good as I could make it, and as I waited for my mom, I heard somebody pull into the driveway.

  “They’re here,” I shouted.

  I opened the front door and walked outside with a smile, and my mom came out not too long after. Kelly looked gorgeous, with her dark blue dress hugging her body and her hair, soft and flowing, falling down to her shoulders. She smiled shyly before walking closer to me.

  “You look so handsome,” she said.

  “Thank you. You look stunning,” I said, noticing her cheeks turn pink.