Confessions of a D-List Supervillain

by Bernheimer, Jim; Hsieh, Fiona

  Ares steps toward Wendy, but I hit him with a two second burst from my gun and it knocks him back. Wendy’s gust of wind tosses Apollo aside like a stuntman in a bad Hollywood movie.

  All that’s left is a thunderstruck Athena. She backs away, holding one of her energy spears defensively. “This is the wrong move Wendy, and you know it.”

  We pass her by and I swivel my head and look at the so-called goddess of wisdom. “Take a look at what a real leader looks like, Athena.”

  Andy is updating me on what happened from accessing the Olympian’s database. Mather used the amplifier designed by Promethia and the absence of the most powerful Olympians to take his revenge on Wendy and try to subjugate the rest of Athena’s team. Apparently, he’d been working his mojo on Hestia for the last few weeks, but then included Hera so her force fields could protect him while he held court over his new thralls.

  Aphrodite was able to resist. The thralls captured her and dragged my ex down to the cells. Along the way she used her psionic blasts to knock out a series of electrical panels. The power to the chair only lasted another thirty minutes before it failed and left the Emperor on his throne with literally no clothes on and a bunch of pissed off Olympians around him.

  • • •

  “So look who decided to show up,” Mather says from behind the barrier. “Did the two of you have a good time?”

  “Why Mather?”

  “Why what, Wendy? Why did I do it? Because I could. You’ve been on that high horse so long that someone needs to knock you off of it. You walk around pretending to be little Miss Perfect, but you’re not. You’re a dirty stinking little whore and it was my pleasure to make sure the world saw you for what you really are. Why this chump? I suppose I could have picked the wetback and let you have a six way, but Stringel here is the biggest embarrassment on your roster. I thought it was fitting. Besides he never deserved Aphrodite to begin with.”

  “I’m guessing Patterson hooked you up with the gear.”

  The sneering little shit grins. “Nah, you’d like that wouldn’t you, Stringbean. I thought he could use an early birthday present. You’re a laughingstock, Stringel and not even worth his time. Too bad the chair cut out when it did; I was getting to the best part. You weren’t just going to have a sex tape. The grand finale was going to be a snuff film.”

  Wendy cuts into his tirade and says, “You’re going to have a long time to think about it, Mather.”

  “Probably not. You see, I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. I think that amplifier overwhelmed my abilities and it drove me a little off the deep end. It’s all the chair’s fault. With some time and therapy, I’m sure I’ll be okay again. I just need some me time in a quiet place to come to grips with the things I did.”

  The smug bastard isn’t even bothering to act.

  Wendy is spitting mad. She’s had a rough night and doesn’t deserve to see where this is going to end up. Something like this would eat her up inside. Me? It’ll be a nibble or two on my soul. I might lose a couple of hours of sleep on this, but that’s it. I put my armored hand on her shoulder. My force blaster takes out the security camera. “Go back upstairs. I’ll finish up down here. You don’t need to see this.”

  She looks at me. Realization sets in. This isn’t her domain, despite what just happened, she’s a hero. “Cal, maybe it doesn’t have to be like this. You don’t have to do this.”

  “Yeah, I do. Just go, Wendy.”

  She walks out the door and stops, looking over her shoulder before leaving.

  I turn to Michael Mather. “You shouldn’t have included me in this. That was a big mistake.”

  “I’m so scared, tough guy.”

  I drop the barrier separating us and step into his cell. “That’s another mistake. Any last words?”

  “You’re not going to do it.”

  “I’m not an embarrassment, Mather. I’m a villain and not one of you ‘turn the other cheek’ chumps. You might be right about that amplifier overwhelming you. It’s what probably triggered your heart attack.”

  My palms crackle with power and the air surrounding smells like ozone. Volts don’t kill. Amps do and everyone knows that it doesn’t take too much to do it.

  Mather’s powers fueled by his fear put a strain on my shields, but he’s worn out from trying to control the Olympians. His futile attacks and screams last only long enough for me to grab him and turn on the juice.

  Most of the Olympians are waiting for me when I come back upstairs. Aphrodite won’t even look at me. Athena wants to run her mouth, but it’s Ares who speaks, “You shouldn’t have killed him, Mechanical. That’s not the way to do things in our world. People like you should be in jail.”

  “Screw your world! Go ahead and try to lock me up. I’ll make certain that the whole world knows what you folks can do with that chair. I’ll squeal like a stuck pig. You won’t be able to shut me up. Don’t bother trying to mindwipe me, I’ve already taken precautions. I’ll let them know all your dirty deals and the stuff that you heroes want hidden from the public. What were you going to do, let Mather off with a slap on the wrist? He all but raped Wendy and admitted that he was going to make her kill me live on the internet if the chair hadn’t cut out.”

  “Do whatever you want, Olympians,” Wendy follows right behind my proclamation. “My team is leaving. Cover it up. Whitewash it. You have a knack for that Athena. But, if you arrest him, I’ll put my money out there to defend him and it will get ugly. I promise you.”

  It’s nice to have the backing of a powerful person for a change.

  She doesn’t say anything else until we’re on the tarmac. “Take the jet back to New Orleans. I’m taking some personal time. Tell Sheila she’s in charge.”

  “Are you okay, Wendy?”

  “No. I’m not. I helped you kill a man tonight. I’m not even sure I deserve to be a leader.”

  “Superhuman doesn’t mean you’re no longer human. He was the one with the loaded gun. It just ended up shooting him instead. The world might not be a better place without him, but it isn’t any worse.”

  She wipes some tears from her eyes as Andy gets the jet going. “You’re not upset about it, Cal.”

  “I’m a little worked up, but it’ll pass. Go, get yourself together and come back when you are ready.”

  “What about you?”

  I open my face plate and give her a smile. “I lived in denial so long I’ve got a timeshare there. If they ask me whether it was me and you, I’ll deny everything and then I’ll insult them. Like you’d ever sleep with me!”

  She laughs weakly and then is swept upwards in a gust of wind. I’m suddenly tired. After all this joking about sex tapes, by some fluke of fate, I have two with a pair of the most powerful women on the planet. That’s quite an accomplishment for a gangly looking guy with stringy hair that always looks a little greasy. I should wear my shame with pride.

  So why don’t I feel that proud right now?

  Chapter Nine

  Sic Semper Tyrannosaurus

  Bolt Action interviews the entire team about the incident, asking every member if they wanted to suspend me from the Guardians and launch a formal inquest. Amazingly enough, the team stood up for me. I’d already shown all of them the tape of Mather taunting us with what was going to happen if the chair hadn’t cut out on him. They don’t go to the mat for me. They do it for Wendy. I know it, but appreciate it just the same.

  My turn comes and I stare down the angry man and his graying crew cut. I’m ready for the ex-Marine sniper to try ripping me a new one, but his demeanor changes abruptly.

  “Stringel, you’re no hero. Got no character. I can just tell. Some people got it. You don’t. We should drum you out before you do even more damage to our reputation, but it ain’t gonna happen today. I love that little girl like she was my own daughter. She thought I was holding her back, but I was trying to protect her. Something like this would’ve never happened if she was still up here! That Mather bastard wouldn’t hav
e had the balls to try it. You … you saved me the trouble of killing him myself.”

  “You’re welcome,” I say.

  “I wasn’t thanking you. ‘Sides, we both know Patterson’s gunning for you. Ain’t shit I can really do about it until he tries again, but I’m betting this time he’ll come in person. All I can say is be ready for him.”

  “Maybe I’ll go looking for him,” I say.

  The man throws his head back and laughs. When he stops, he says, “Look into a mirror and say that line again. See if it sounds just as stupid to you. If it comes down to it, I’m hoping you take each other out and I’m rid of two problems.”

  The vote of confidence in my abilities is astounding.

  As the screen goes blank, Andy enters. “I detected the transmission terminated and would like to resume monitor duty.”

  “You don’t think any less of me do you?” I ask Andydroid.

  “In empirical terms,” Andy begins, “all human life is equal. Given that Mather’s endgame involved Wendy killing you, the loss of life appeared inevitable. This negates scenarios where you do not kill him as it can be assumed he would try again, based on the evidence you provided.”

  “Okay,” I say, waiting to see where he’s going with this.

  “Therefore, your life and Wendy’s life must be weighed against the life of Mather. Based on data gathered, MindOver had a longer career as a hero, so on the basis of time and missions, he would have the advantage over you, but not Miss La Guardia. However, your previous actions resulted in world salvation and, on a personal note, my reactivation. The conclusion is subjective on my part, but your life is more valuable than Mister Mather’s.”

  I have my own opinion and it’s pretty damn subjective as well. Still, it’s nice to see someone agree with me.

  “Thanks Andy, I appreciate it.”

  • • •

  The furor over my streaming sex life dies down after three weeks. Something else eventually replaces it, though I did enjoy the catcalls from those overweight, clinging to the good years of their life, guys down on the beach after my rematch with Seawall. They came over and cheered me on and asked me how it felt to be “windblown.”

  I laugh it off and tell them it’s a fake and that I wish. On the positive front, no one has shown up to arrest me yet. The relations between the GulfCoast and the other major teams in North America are downright chilly, but I really don’t care. It’s not like I’m interested in a transfer, but I don’t stay idle. I design an overloaded powercell launcher based on the rifle I used in the fight in Missouri. It ends up looking more like a World War Two bazooka – a one-time weapon that fires an energy capsule rigged to explode. Ultraweapon’s shields will probably stop it, but they’ll take a pounding.

  I’m also trading out the sledge that never really lived up to my hopes for it. I have a maul and am working on it. There’s no force field this time. Instead, I have an electrical capacitor with enough juice to light up a couple of city blocks.

  As I’m putting the finishing touches on it, Charmer bursts into my workshop. “Kimodo is in trouble. She needs our help.”

  I bite back my sarcastic response and simply nod. Kimodo is a big disappointment. She’s constantly in over her head. My initial impression that she was good was way off base. I set the maul down and jog to the monitor room.

  “Villain is way too powerful for me alone. Send help immediately. He’s coming for …” The lizard woman shrieks into her communicator before the connection is broken.

  Andydroid brings up the coordinates from her transmission. It’s about thirty or forty minutes north in a small parish that, like much of Louisiana, is by a swamp. Meanwhile, Sheila is already formulating our plan of attack. She won’t admit it, but she relishes being the temporary leader until Wendy returns.

  “We don’t know what we’re in for, or who the villain is. There’s nothing in our database for anyone known to be operating out of that area, so we’re going in blind. We’ll take the hoversleds. The jet would get us there quicker, but we might have a hard time finding a spot to land and I don’t want to leave anyone on pilot duty. José Prime, you’re on monitor. Alert the other teams to our situation. Cal, bring that damn ball robot you’re always going on about. All the rest of you stay sharp.”

  Chain Charmer hands The Bugler the spare necklace and Bo transforms into his “Bat Bugler” form. He even learned how to fly, though not really that well yet.

  Me? I actually figured out what it does for me … languages. Of all the stupid effin’ abilities! A couple of the José clones were jabbering on in Spanish too fast for me to follow more than a couple words when Jin let me try it on again and suddenly I could understand them perfectly. I asked Jin to say something in Japanese, which really pissed him off since I didn’t know the difference between Japanese and his Chinese ancestry. To make a long and somewhat embarrassing story short, he cussed me out in Mandarin and I understood every word of it. José even grabbed one of his Mexican porn mags and I could read the stories.

  Watching Bo sprout wings, sonar sight, and battle claws makes me feel like I got the short end of the stick. In other words, I felt all too normal.

  Me and the two José clones with suits don our armor. The three other versions of him attach Floater to one of the hoversleds while I grab a fueled jet pack and summon Roller. It is still a pulse cannon down, but after the next payday, I might be able to turn up the parts for a replacement from a person that I used to do some “work” for.

  Grabbing the pommels I lift Roller into the air and get a head start. Carrying the load means I’ll fly slower, but without our leader and most powerful member, Sheila likes to err on the side of caution. Even though I don’t like her that much, I respect that attitude. It keeps the repairs on my suit down to less than what they would be otherwise.

  • • •

  They’re just getting off their sleds as I arrive and release Roller. The pommels retract and the internal gyroscope starts the robot moving. I flex my tired arms. Forty-three minutes in the same position can do that to a person. Next, I activate Floater and get it airborne.

  Sheila and Andy try to raise Kimodo, but there’s no luck there. Even I actually get a bit concerned. Yeah, I’m an asshole and all that, but I do have a heart. It might be a couple of sizes too small like that character on the Christmas specials, but it should be noted for the record that I don’t wish harm on any of my teammates … usually.

  “Fan out, locate Kim and any other persons in danger. Andy isn’t detecting anything on the police wire for this place. In fact, he isn’t picking up any transmissions other than our own. Andy, use Cal’s scouter and look for thermals. Jin, the clinic is over that way about a mile and a half. Check it out and then hit the fire and the police stations. From the map, it looks like they’re right next to each other. Armored Josés, there’s a cluster of churches in that direction. Cal, me, and the rest will move toward the two schools in this place.”

  It’s a good plan. People are somewhat predictable. In times like these, locals tend to congregate around schools, hospitals, and churches.

  Andy finally gets thermal readings outside the junior high school gym on the baseball field. It looks like the whole town is there along with several things that are seriously big. Their silhouettes match things from my childhood toy box - dinosaurs! There’s a big one, probably a T-Rex along with a Triceratops and a Stegosaurus if I remember my plastic toys right. The people are herded in the middle, but looked like they’re not being eaten at the moment.

  As the rest of the group displays their own incredulous looks at facing things long since extinct, I don’t mind the idea of capturing a live dinosaur and wonder how much a zoo might pay for something like that.

  Bless my mercenary heart!

  After calling the groups checking out the other spots, Sheila has us make a cautious approach. Andy moves Floater to just behind the right field fence. In the darkness, it’s hard to pick out Kim, but it looks like she’s prone on the gro
und by an object situated on the pitcher’s mound. All the other people are sitting. There’s a soft hum, like chanting.

  “I don’t like this,” Bo says.

  “Jin, your magic chains won’t break, so you tie up T-Rex’s hind legs. Sanford, dose it with your paralyzing juice and see how much it takes to knock it out. Cal takes the horned one, and I have the one with the big tail, just try to restrain them and keep them away until Sanford can render them harmless. The rest of you get to the people and evacuate them this way. Cal, move your other robot through the parking lot and point it at the swamp. If there are any reinforcements, they’ll be coming that way, since we haven’t seen any on our way up here.

  For a minute, we hit those reptiles better than any other super group could. The Gulf Coast Guardians are a finely tuned machine! I’m locking horns with an honest to goodness Triceratops and feel the ground shake as the massive T-Rex goes to the ground. Sheila has the front end of her dinosaur pushed up and it can’t whip its tail around without toppling over.

  It’s a thing of utter beauty. If Andy had time to hack the scoreboard, I’d have him change it to Heroes: 3, Dinosaurs: 0.

  My mental victory lap grinds to a screeching halt when I hear one of the clones exclaim, “Madre Dios, they’ve all been turned into lizard people.”

  Bugler is trying to pull a pair of them to their feet when they spin on him and drive him to the ground and more leap on him in a semi-reptilian rugby scrum. The unarmored clones knock a few out with their stun batons before they are swarmed under.

  Fear of the unknown is one of my weaknesses. It’s something that makes my heart go pitter patter and I’ve got a bad feeling. No one is sure whether or not Mangler is alive. Is it possible that he’s refined his process? Or is this something else? The lizard people drag the clones and Bugler to their feet with clawed hands placed directly on the throat. Back at the base, José will suffer a lot of pain if one of his clones is killed, but he will eventually grow another one. We can’t really grow another Biloxi Bugler.