by J D Abbas
Mikaelin looked away, and his expression softened. “Is she… is she all right?”
“She’s upset, horrified. Blames herself. Fears she’s losing her mind. She doesn’t understand how or why this happened. None of us do.” Celdorn rubbed the back of his neck. “But I wanted to explain to you, so that you didn’t think I called for you to leave because you had interrupted an… intimate moment.” Celdorn faltered and stared at the far wall. “I was trying to spare her further embarrassment. She’s returned to her room, and Elbrion is with her. We’ll try to make some sense of this tomorrow.”
Celdorn moved toward the door then turned back. “Mikaelin, I beg your discretion with this. She doesn’t know that you saw anything. I don’t want her conscience or her reputation to suffer further.”
“I understand.” He shifted his weight and looked at Celdorn sideways. “Silothani wheyon. And sleep well.”
“Hmm, that is doubtful.” Celdorn hung his head and turned to go. As he was about to step through his door, he stopped. “Thank you for guarding so well, Mikaelin. And… and I’m sorry.”
Celdorn returned to his bed but didn’t sleep the rest of the night. He was ashamed and humiliated, though in reality, he didn’t know what he could have done differently. For the first time since she had come to them, he found himself afraid of Elena.
Chapter 51
Celdorn was out of bed before dawn. He disappeared into the secret trail leading from the courtyard below his balcony to a ravine hidden deep in the Mongar Mountains against which Kelach was set. Three guards followed him at a short distance to ensure his safety while respecting his privacy. Though tempted, he didn’t force them to return or try to lose them. He was upset but not foolhardy, knowing Anakh and the other Rahima could be anywhere.
As a young man, when he’d first come to Kelach with his father, Celdorn found a labyrinth of these kinds of trails. He’d spent days on end exploring with his Ilqazar, Malak. Usually, he found great solace walking among the ancient stones. The massive, immovable rock helped to realign his perspective, to remind him that he was just a small player in this huge world, a breath in time. But today it brought no relief.
His heart and mind were tormented, and he kept moving to stay ahead of the disturbing thoughts. He didn’t want to confront the situation with Elena, yet he knew it was unavoidable. She was his daughter. He had chosen her, made a vow. Now it seemed all of that was at risk of being destroyed. What had happened was so wrong, so unthinkable, it made his skin crawl. How would he face her? How could he protect her?
He dropped to his knees, praying Qho’el would give him an answer, give him wisdom far beyond himself.
~
When he returned to his room hours later, Elena and Elbrion were sitting by the fire staring at the flames. Sasha lay between their chairs. Elbrion and the dog looked up as Celdorn came in. Elena didn’t move.
Celdorn pulled a third chair to the fireside and sat down. He felt Elena’s shame surrounding her like a fortress wall. Watching the play of light and shadow created by the burning wood, he searched for a way to begin. Elena’s fear increased as the silence dragged on, and he longed to ease it for her but wasn’t sure how. In the end, he pushed ahead not knowing where they would wind up.
“Little one, we need to talk about last night.”
She nodded but said nothing.
“Did you recall anything that might explain how or why it happened?”
Elena took a deep breath. “After I returned to my room, I tried desperately to remember what occurred before I ‘awoke’ on your bed. I’m no closer to an answer this morning than I was last night. I don’t know what happened, let alone how or why. All I know is that I am deeply ashamed.”
“I have no desire to shame you, Elena. I just want to understand.”
“I know that when I was in my other life, before I came here, there were dozens of times I awoke knowing that…” She hesitated; her eyes flashed to him and away. “That I had been with a man but didn’t know who or what had taken place. I assumed I’d been forced into an… encounter and didn’t remember because it was too painful.” Her hands twisted in her lap. “But now I doubt myself. I wonder if I did pursue men, like my mother said. If I seduced them and then forgot it to protect myself.”
“Sheyshon, I do not believe that,” Elbrion said. “You were trained to do the things you did. I know that from being inside your memories. They forced you into a sexual life you did not want nor choose.”
“But why would I try to seduce Celdorn? No one threatened or coerced me last night.”
Celdorn focused on the fire, not daring to look at either of them.
There was a knock on the door, and before anyone could respond, Yaelmargon entered.
“Now is not a good time, Master,” Celdorn said, his focus remaining on the fire. Deep shame engulfed him when the elder drew near. He did his best to shield his mind, knowing the master would sense everything.
“Now is precisely the time, Celdorn.” He stood next to the hearth, facing the three of them. “I am here to offer what assistance I can to prevent the shame you both feel from creating a far worse situation.”
Surprised, Celdorn glanced up at him.
“Of course I know, Celdorn. The emotions the three of you experienced last night pummeled me awake. I chose not to exacerbate the situation by intervening.” Yaelmargon studied the three. “However, you need my assistance now. Please continue.”
Elbrion looked back at Elena. “May I venture an answer to your question?”
“I’m not sure I want to hear it, but yes, you may.”
“It is what you know.” Elbrion met her gaze. “It is clear you feel deep affection for Celdorn as a father figure and, in your limited life, what you perceived as love from your father was displayed sexually. Is it possible that part of you was trying to express affection for Celdorn in the only way you knew how?”
Celdorn squirmed in his chair, uncomfortable with the conversation as images of the previous night haunted him.
Elena closed her eyes and sighed. “But Elbrion, I know what happened is inappropriate. I don’t want to be intimate with Celdorn—or any man, for that matter. Thinking of him as my ada makes it even more wrong, more… perverse.” She wiggled like a chill had run through her. “It makes me sick just thinking about it. My father was depraved. I don’t want to be like him.”
“You were not in your rational mind last night. It was as if you were someone else. Could it be a part of you does not understand it is wrong?” Elbrion said.
“But I held a knife to his throat. I must have realized it was wrong, or I wouldn’t have found it necessary to threaten him.”
“Violence was also connected with sexuality in your young life. You were living out what you knew.”
“So even if that is true, I don’t know how to control it or keep it from happening again. I’m back to feeling like I’m losing my mind, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I were Celdorn, I’d be terrified of me and want a locked door between us at all times.” She glanced toward him. “Am I right, Celdorn? Are you afraid of me now?”
Celdorn struggled with how to respond, not wanting her to misunderstand. “In truth, yes. I’m afraid because I don’t know how or why this happened, and I don’t want you to be hurt in any way.” He finally turned to face her. “Elena, you are a beautiful young woman, and I do love you as one loves a daughter—and I don’t mean as your father loved you—I mean the way good fathers love their daughters. It is not meant to be sexual. I would never take advantage of you in that way. I have no desire to use you carnally. I’m appalled that I was even exposed to you last night.”
“If it is any consolation, I don’t remember seeing… anything,”
“Even so, I’m ashamed that I didn’t stop you sooner. I didn’t realize it was you, but I did know it was a woman, and I was afraid of hurting her. Had it been a man, I would have fought harder, thrown him down. I didn’t know what to do. And I’m frustrated b
ecause I don’t know how to prevent it in the future, except to put you back across the hall. But then your safety would be threatened, and I don’t want that either.” He ran his hands through his hair. “I-I don’t know how to resolve this.”
Elena stared at her hands, surprisingly calm, which for some reason, sent a chill up Celdorn’s spine. Nodding to herself, she said, “I believe it would be best for everyone if I leave Kelach. Perhaps I could slip away to some place in the north, maybe even return with Yaelmargon. That way I can protect you from me, and the others from those that pursue me.”
As if Sasha understood her words, she pulled herself upright and lay her head in Elena’s lap. Her expression was so mournful it pulled tears to Elena’s eyes. She swallowed hard and hugged the dog, finding the thought of leaving her unbearable.
“No, Elena, I won’t allow that. I may be uncomfortable with what happened and uncertain as to what to do, but I’m not sending you away. A father doesn’t turn out a child because there are difficulties—at least a good father doesn’t. We are a family, as I promised you, and we will find an answer somehow.” He laid his hand on top of hers. “But we will find it together.”
Elena’s composure dissolved, and the tears flowed.
“I vow to you, little one, if this happens again, even if it happens many times, I will keep you safe. I will never misuse you, and I will never shame you.” Celdorn took Elena’s chin in his hand. “I agree with Elbrion: I believe this comes from your training, not from your true heart. I will accept your love as a daughter, and I will love you as a father, and I will protect the purity of that for both of us.”
By this time, Elena was sobbing. Celdorn knelt in front of her and, pushing Sasha aside, put his arms around her. “I do love you, little one,” he whispered.
“I don’t know how that is possible. I keep testing your vow. But I don’t want to go away, Ada. I want to stay here. I want to love you, but I am so afraid I will ruin you.” Elena curled into his chest.
Yaelmargon had been standing by silently, listening and observing. When Celdorn moved back from Elena, the master finally spoke. “I think there may be another explanation for what occurred last night.”
All three turned their attention to him.
“Yesterday you were desperately struggling with the truth of who you were created to be. Images of the whore, as you call her, assaulted your mind throughout the day, offering you repeated evidence to the contrary. I believe your behavior last night was a final attempt to prove that you were correct: you are not innocent; you are the whore.” He paused and gazed intently at Elena. “And interestingly, the result is for you to feel you must now leave Kelach, the only place that has ever affirmed the truth of who you truly are. Do you not see the evil at work in this? The ‘whore’ does their bidding, like she always has, listening intently to their whispering lies and destroying you in the process.”
Elena’s face clouded with confusion, and Sasha inched closer.
“What is the one thing that would cause you the most shame here in Kelach?” the master persisted. “Would it not be exposing yourself to and seducing your new father—the Lord Protector of the realm?”
Elena pulled Sasha into her chest, half-hiding behind the dog as her face reddened.
“And yet your ada did not use you or shame you, and he will not send you away. He is confounding their diabolical plan.” The master’s face held a gentle smile. “He believes in your innocence, Elena. He knows your heart.”
“I believe you’re right, Yaelmargon,” Celdorn said. “It makes perfect sense to me.” He focused on Elena. “You have been working so hard to prove to all of us that you are not as good as we think you are—but you are, little one. You are so precious. I wish I could make you see that.”
“Again, I feel as if black is being called white. I did a terrible thing! Do none of you see that?”
“Yes, we see it,” Elbrion replied. “What happened was not good and not something we want repeated, but you were not yourself, Elena. The person here last night was one that your abusers created and controlled. When you returned to yourself, you were terrified and appalled. Do you see?”
“So she is bad, and I am good. Is that what you’re saying?”
“I do not believe it is that black and white, to use your terminology,” Yaelmargon said. “This other one is still part of you, but she has been tortured into doing their bidding and seeing herself through their eyes. To disagree meant more suffering, more degradation. Her survival, and yours, depended on agreeing with them. Do you not remember seeing this with other children at the encampment?”
As soon as the question left his lips, Elena grabbed her head like she’d been struck, then winced repeatedly.
Celdorn wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “It’s all right, little one. We’re here with you.”
She looked up, her eyes distant and full of pain. “They broke their wills… Noncompliance meant death.”
Then a puzzled expression crossed her face. “So… she saved my life.” Elena looked up at Yaelmargon, who slowly nodded. “That part of me complied while I hid away inside; she did what she had to do, so I could continue to live.”
“Yes, Elena, and to keep her sanity she had to believe she liked what she was doing and that it was a free choice. That belief gave her some sense of power in a life where she had none.”
Elena looked at Celdorn and Elbrion, her eyes filled with sorrow. “My mother was wrong, I’m not a whore,” she whispered, as if trying to absorb that truth. “I’m merely the devastation and rubble of what once might have been a person.” Her voice trailed off.
Celdorn wanted to challenge her statement but knew now was not the time. An awakening was happening that they dared not hurry, lest they overwhelm her.
~
A short time later, there was a knock on the door.
“Lord Celdorn,” Malqor said as he stuck his head in, “I know Elbrion requested you not be disturbed, but a company has just arrived from Greenholt. Your presence is requested at the gatehouse.”
Celdorn’s brows went up. “This is amazing; we lack only a representation from Wharndon to be complete. Thank you, Malqor, I will go immediately.”
He grasped Elena’s hand. “Little one, I need to take Elbrion and Yaelmargon with me. I’ll send Haldor to stay here with you and Sasha. We’ll return as quickly as we can.”
Elena nodded absently, lost in her own thoughts.
Celdorn was nervous to leave her when she was so fragile, but it was a greater risk to take her into the open bailey, not knowing what they would find at the gates.
Chapter 52
Yaelmargon, Celdorn and Elbrion hurried toward the guard towers at the main gate. As they neared the portcullis, an odd vibration passed through Elbrion, and in spite of the warm afternoon air, a chill crept up his back. He braced himself for what they might encounter.
“Lord Protector.” The commander of the gatehouse dropped to one knee as Celdorn approached. “I was hesitant to admit this company from Greenholt without express permission. Considering the events of late, I thought it prudent to send for you.
“Wise choice, Tamor.” Celdorn signaled for him to rise. “Open the gates, and let us pass. We’ll speak with them outside first.”
There were twenty mounted men on the far side of the gates, dressed in the verdant tunics of the easternmost Guardian keep. Those from Greenholt rode under the banner of the First Tree, which stood in the valley adjacent to their stronghold, the emblem of which was embossed on their tunics. Several reflected the intermingling of the Rogaran with the Bengoran people native to that area, having their lighter hair with the odd green tinge to it and shorter, narrower builds.
The three men in the front had dismounted and awaited Celdorn as he passed through the gates and onto the bridge. Their faces lit with surprise and awe when they saw Yaelmargon step past the gates. Elbrion noticed the young boy left to sit alone on Charaq’s Ilqazar and knew the source of the tremor that had hi
t him. Death clung to the child like a vulture to carrion.
“I sense no threat,” Elbrion whispered to Celdorn as they approached the leader.
“Nor do I,” Yaelmargon added.
Celdorn nodded without taking his eyes off the man. “Silothani, Charaq.”
“Silothani, Lord Protector.” Charaq and the men beside him dropped to one knee. “We have come in response to your missive and to bear grievous news.”
Elbrion felt the words settle on Celdorn like a heavy weight. “It seems the news is grave from many directions.” He motioned for them to stand. “That’s why our guards were cautious upon your arrival and didn’t allow you to pass. We’ve received detachments from Dussendor and Marach in the last few days and have had mysterious attacks on several fronts.” Celdorn reached out and grasped wrists with Charaq. “But enough about that for now, you’ve had a long journey and need to refresh yourselves.”
Charaq and his men bowed toward Yaelmargon. “It is an honor, Master,” Charaq said. “And I must say a most unexpected one.”
“You will find many unexpected things within these walls of late,” Yaelmargon replied, though his attention seemed elsewhere. As the master glanced through the company, Elbrion felt a disturbance within him.
“You are most welcome,” Celdorn said to the visitors, motioning them toward the gates. “Charaq, your men may join those from Marach and Dussendor in the Great Hall. I’ll have food sent in for them. We’ll find places for you and your advisors on the second floor among the guest rooms.” They passed under the portcullis and on into the bailey with Charaq leading the boy on his Ilqazar. Celdorn glanced up at him. “Do you want the boy to stay with you?”
“Yes, if that is all right. He’s having a difficult time and prefers to be near me.”
“Is he your son?”
“No, sir. That is Mishon, Borham’s son.” Charaq leaned closer. “I can’t speak of this in the open. I’ll tell you more when we’re in your chambers.”
