by Elle Harte
My heart thrummed.
Its careless beat reverberated in my ears.
I was unsure if it was anticipation or dread.
Possibly both.
“What secret?”
In one smooth move, he swayed me and then brought me back, closer to him than ever before. My body almost slammed into his, my nerve endings were on fire. I could feel every inch of him, touching me and I couldn’t think straight.
“I’ve always felt some unrequited feelings toward you.”
Looking up in his eyes would have been impossible, so I chose to be a coward and buried my head in his chest, which was solid against me. “What kind of feelings?”
“What I’m about to tell you,” his breath whispered softly. “You might hate me for it. But I don’t know if I can keep it to myself any longer. I don’t know if that’s wise.”
“Tell me,” I could barely speak.
“I want you to promise you won’t hate me. And if you don’t like what I say, then we will simply forget about it, and go on as we were going. It won’t ruin what we have. Can you promise me?”
It was time to break away from him.
I looked up, and his face was unfathomably sincere.
“I promise.”
It took him a while to come out with the next words but when he did say it, he sounded so sure of himself. “I think I love you, Jess.” He paused. “I always have.”
The words touch me in a way, nothing’s ever touched me before.
Wasn’t that the same I felt for him?
The whole thing sounded so much like something out of a movie, I had to pinch myself to see if I was awake.
“Jess,” he said. “Did you just pinch yourself?”
“This is really happening,” I said, dumbfounded. “Oh God, this is really happening, isn’t it?” I said this, and ran. I kept running until I reached the parking lot without looking back once, even though I knew he was following me.
“Jess!”
I stopped, completely out of breath.
As I tried to get my wits together, I felt him come up behind me.
“You promised what I say won’t mess up what we have.”
I closed my eyes.
Opened them.
Blinked several times.
Nothing changed.
This was reality and I had to face it.
“But you already changed it,” I said, and turned to face him. “What you just said, there’s no going back from it.”
The hurt in his gray eyes was monumental.
I could see past his soul.
Peek into his heart.
He had opened himself up to me.
I could see how afraid he was of being shut down.
“It was a mistake,” he said. “I knew it. I shouldn’t have… anyway, I assumed you liked me, Jess, I don’t know. I guess I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
“You’re not wrong, you idiot!”
“What?”
“You’re not wrong.”
“But—?”
“Why now? Why today? When you haven’t even broken up with Kelly for a whole week?”
“Because I’m a coward.”
“Callum…”
“Every time I tried to say something to you, something would stop me. I know it’s my own fault, for not telling you sooner, but to be honest, I didn’t even know what I felt was real until a while back. I mean, I knew but I wasn’t sure. I wanted to be sure, before I did this, because Jess you’re not like other girls. I couldn’t date you casually the way I dated them, there was so much history between us. I just… I wasn’t ready to lose you.”
My heart must have been going at something like a million beats-per-second. There was a fog in front of my eyes, a haze that wouldn’t let up and that made it impossible for me to see anything but the two of us. I lost control of my feelings. I knew how much he must have had to suffer through to say this to me. I knew because I had gone through the same. I understood the fear, the longing, the lovesick hopefulness. There are some things beyond our control, and this was one. For so long, I had thought of myself as the only one going through it but now I knew that wasn’t the case.
“I’m not ready to lose you either,” the words came from my throat but they sounded like a stranger’s words.
His eyes were fixed on me, and I finally looked up and faced them. “Callum, I’m scared.”
He cupped my face with both his hands. Even in the cold his touch was warm. He kissed my forehead. “I’ll do anything for you, Jess.”
“I know.”
When had I crossed the boundaries of trepidation and stepped into firm faith? Why did I believe every word he said like it was gospel? Because he was right. We had a history. We weren’t just any other couple; we were Jess and Callum. We always would be. Star-crossed lovers destined to cross paths again and again. I didn’t know what the future held then, I don’t know now, but all I know is that the night of the winter formal, I was more alive than I had ever been before.
But, I still had my doubts. “What makes you think we’re going to survive?”
Callum leaned in and his mouth briefly touched mine, a little awkward at first, but then he was kissing me, his lips were soft and his mouth tasted of mint gum. His tongue grazed mine, and we fell into a rhythm as though we had been doing it for centuries.
“You asked me why I think we’ll survive?” Callum said. He tucked a lock of my hair, behind my ear and the simple movement made me shiver. “Because we’re Jess and Callum. That’s why. We were always meant to be.”
Store Down
The bell rang alerting me of a new customer but I didn’t even look up. Pretending to be doing the books is a lot tougher than you think. Especially when the store whose books you’re doing happens to be failing. I let Marci handle it but when I didn’t hear a greeting from her side, I finally looked myself. The door was just about to close and next to it I saw someone whose face I recognized. I felt a draft and crossed my arms over my chest.
“Is it just me or did my mother let in bitter cold in her wake?” I whispered to Marci, who just shrugged.
“Slow day?” I heard my mother’s scathing voice.
Try slow year, I wanted to quip but it would only hurt me. “If that jab was any more cutting, Mom, it would be in the Museum of Torture.”
“Keep up that attitude, Jessica and no man will find you attractive.” She walked up to me and started taking off her gloves.
“Dad seems to find you attractive enough.”
“Sarcasm,” she seethed. “Very clever. At least I got someone to marry me!”
I know carrying this further would not be in my benefit so I stopped and tried to concentrate on the accounting that was in front of me. “Mrs. Miles,” Marci spoke up. “Can I get you a coffee?”
“No thank you, Marci.” My mother smiled. She’s always smiling at Marci, my friend-slash-assistant. My own mother liked my friends better than she liked me.
“What brings you here, Mom?”
“I’m looking for a gift for a friend,” Mom said. “Thought you might have something fitting.”
“But you crap all over my taste, Mom. So, why would you want to buy jewelry I chose?”
I was still waiting for a reply when the bell rang again and this time I couldn’t help looking at the person who stepped inside. I’d recognize that scarf anywhere. I was the one who bought it. And he still wears the same cologne… I was losing this fight before I even began.
“Can I help you?” Marci launched into a greeting, which gave me time to recuperate. But he wasn’t even pretending to look at her. His gaze went right past her and came to rest on me. I was more uncomfortable than I was five minutes ago, when he stepped into my shop.
But before I could find the nerve to speak, my mother went toward him and they did their hugs and kisses routine, and he looked genuinely happy to see her. Why wouldn’t he? She liked him. She was the one who kept pushing me to go out with him, and that was probably one of the re
asons why that idea even entered my mind. You see, to my mother, people of different genders cannot be friends. She was elated when we started going out and when we broke up, I had to go through yet another round of disapproval from her. I don’t think she ever got over it. But looking at her now, you couldn’t say she knew we broke up on bad terms. Is she supposed to be talking to him so nicely? Why can’t she give him her jabs and cutting words? Probably because she wanted to save them for me. I must mean a lot to her if she saved up her best stuff for me. Right?
“Mom was wondering where you were,” Callum said to my mother. “She says you haven’t been attending book club.”
“Oh, so good of your mother to inquire,” Mom was positively beaming. “I haven’t been well. I’ll definitely join them after the holidays.”
“I’ll let her know,” Callum said and My God, how devious is that guy! I wasn’t just angry at my mother, but at him as well.
“Well, I have to go get some things from the store next door,” my mother said, and gestured to Marci. “Marci, why don’t you come with me?”
Poor, goody-two-shoes Marci looked like she was having the worst day, and she worked for my business. The bar was low. Regardless, she couldn’t say no, and gave me a glare that said you better make up for it. The minute the door closed behind them, I realized what was happening here—Callum and I were in a small place, together. There was barely any room between us, and he was so tall, my store ceiling seemed to be having a bad day too.
“You realize your Mom wanted us to be alone, right?” Callum said.
“I’m aware of that,” I said. “But I don’t know how to tell her to work on her subtlety. She thinks she’s perfect. It’s hard to bring her down. Near impossible if you ask me.”
“Is she still giving you a hard time?”
“What do you think?”
He smiled. “It’s kind of cute.”
“No, it’s not!” I replied. “Pitt Bulls wearing crocs is cute! Cats playing guitar is cute! A toddler dancing to the milkshake song is cute, Callum! What my mother does, is…” I tried to look for a word that fit the anger that I felt toward her at that moment. “EVIL.”
This time he didn’t smile.
He simply walked toward me and started taking off that scarf.
How could he be that close to me while I was behind a counter?
I self-consciously twirled my hair. “Don’t do that,” he said. “It makes you look like some Mary Sue character out of a romance novel.”
“You talk like you actually read them.”
“I don’t, but I watch the movies. Doesn’t that count?”
“Not if you hate them!”
“I don’t hate all of them.”
“Callum, why are you here?” It seemed the right thing to do, getting to the point. Callum looked confused, like he didn’t know the answer to that himself, but I wasn’t buying it. I was certain he knew what he was up to. I wasn’t going to fall for anything he said, not after everything that went down—
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I rolled my eyes. “Don’t.”
“I keep wanting to apologize and I keep fucking it up,” he sounded sincere at least, I’ll give him that. In fact, I bet he thought he was sincere, that he was ‘doing the right thing.’ Well, it wasn’t the right thing. I wanted him gone.
“You were leaving, weren’t you?”
He paused. “Is that what you want?”
“You were leaving!”
He sighed.
Shifted his weight.
He walked up closer to me, slow.
“I’m here for the holidays.”
I glared at him. “Why should it make any difference to me if you stay or leave?”
I think the words hit him harder than I thought they would. He clammed up. It was obvious he wasn’t going to continue. “You’re right,” he said. “I shouldn’t have assumed—”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
I don’t know what came over me. There were better ways to handle this, but none of them occurred to me at the time, mostly because I couldn’t stop being angry. Sure, a part of me wanted him to protest, to say that he wasn’t having any of it, that he would stay regardless of what I said—do you think I’m as crazy as I sound? Probably. I guess I wanted him to fight. To be angry at the prospect of not seeing me, but all I got in response was indifference. He even managed a smile as he was leaving. “Have a great life, Jess.”
I wish I could have returned the favor but I couldn’t.
It was when the door opened again the cold wafted in, that I realized just how warm I had felt in his presence. And now that he was gone, his footsteps made it out of my shop’s threshold, I was left feeling bitter and nostalgic. I would have cried, but the door opened rather quickly again, and Marci and Mom stepped in.
“Why is it so cold in here?” Mom complained.
“We’re trying to save on the heating,” Marci told her. My mother looked at Marci, slack-jawed, as though saving on heating bills was an unheard-of concept. Before Marci could say anything, I chimed in. “Yes, Mother. Us poor mortals can’t all be rich like Your Highness and have to think about annoying little things like bills,” I picked up the accounts again and started doing calculations but nothing made sense anymore.
“Tell me the truth, Jess, is the shop in trouble?”
This was the last thing I needed right now, my mother’s pity. If there was one thing worse than my mother’s love, it was her disappointment. I could see Marci opening her mouth to say something, but I interrupted her before she could. “The shop’s fine, Mom. Thanks for asking.”
I tried to ignore her to the best of my ability but she wasn’t having it. “Oh my God,” my mother sighed. “You’re really in trouble, Jess! Aren’t you? I can tell when you’re lying!”
This time I knew I had to get away. I set everything aside and came back from behind the safety of the counter. I grabbed my coat and wrapped a scarf quickly around my neck and headed out.
The cold wasn’t exactly welcoming outside, but it was better than what I had going on inside the store. As I walked in no particular direction, I glanced briefly at the people walking past me and I saw their lives for that one moment, and I saw they had something. There were couples, young and old, with or without kids, siblings and fathers and daughters, everyone, together for Christmas, leaving everything behind and just being there for each other and I hated it. I didn’t hate them, I wished them the best, but the more I saw these people out in the world, going toward some destination, I felt envy rearing its ugly head, and I felt more out of place than I felt inside with my mother and Marci. The problem is, Marci’s a good sport but I know we’re miserable. What we made through the store wasn’t enough to cover the bills, let alone bring us any joy. Forget bonus, I couldn’t even pay Marci’s salary this month.
I don’t know how I was still lucky enough to have her as a friend, but the truth was there were some important decisions I was going to have to make sometime soon. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I kept hoping Christmas would turn things around, I mean people are supposed to buy jewelry, right? But, nothing. I don’t know how long I can go on waiting. If I don’t get some sales soon, I’m going to be in so much trouble, I might have to move in with my parents and you can see why I’m not looking forward to that. My mother would love it of course. I’d become her pet project once again, just as I had been all my childhood. A living, breathing project who had no right to live its own life, but go instead on her commandments. Thou shalt not drink three cups of coffee. Thou shalt not wear ‘unladylike’ (whatever that meant) clothes. Thou shalt not listen to Taylor Swift.
And this problem aside, I had qualms about joining a new workplace. You see, I have tried working before, but it always ends up badly.
I guess with me everything ends badly.
Am I destined to fail?
Never thought I’d say this before, but I’m starting to lose hope.
Fate Falls
<
br /> I kept running.
The air was burning my face, as I tried to match my pace fast enough to get away from Callum, but he was still catching up to me fast. There was something in the air, a kind of freedom that I hadn’t felt before. It was the same world, the same town, the same air that I had been breathing in for all those years of my life but somehow now it felt different. I turned, just to check to see if he was still there and sure enough his muscles were working overtime, his long legs were an advantage against my five-feet-five frame and that was the reason I was losing. I knew I never stood a chance against him. I’d never been good at sports, but I loved to run. Only with Callum around, everything became a game, a competition.
I wasn’t complaining.
I saw the finish line coming up, and raised my speed. One last burst of energy and I would make it—
But instead I was falling...
I kept waiting to hit the ground, but something broke my fall. I still landed on the ground but something was in control of me, and swerved me in the right direction so we both landed on soft grass. I landed on him. For a while, I was afraid to open my eyes. But then I did. Callum’s arms were around me, holding me by the waist, his chest in my back and he was breathing hard and so was I of course.
At first it was awkward.
And then we started to laugh, both of us at the same time and it became funny instead of embarrassing. “You lose!” Callum announced, happily.
“So do you!”
He placed his hand on my arm and ran it over my skin, brushing away the dirt. The touch made me quiver. I wished he would stop. I tried to get away but he held me there. “Let’s go back to my place,” he said, softly in my ear. “I want to spend the day with you.”
It was a weekend, so of course I said yes.
But I knew saying yes, meant more than just hanging out because Callum’s parents weren’t home. They were at some friends’ wedding and wouldn’t be here until late Sunday night. A part of me was looking forward to it, and another wanted to run. He kissed my neck, in the same odd position and finally loosened his hold so I could get up.
