Blue Jay

by A Zukowski

Alex shakes his head. “I’m not judging you or

  anything, but what do you get up to in your job?”

  “I do what I gotta do.” Chris pouts. “I’m not

  answerable to you. In fact, you’re not my keeper,

  or…or special friend or anything!”

  “I thought… I don’t care I’m not ‘special’.” Alex

  draws the quotation marks in the air. More quietly,

  he says, “I don’t want you to see this guy again or

  anyone else who pays to hurt you. How am I going

  to know you’re safe when you’re out there if you let

  men do this kind of thing to you?”

  Chris’s face turns cold and stony.

  “Before you came along, I was fine about selling

  myself. Not even to the highest bidder, just the right

  amount of money would buy me. And I was fine

  with that. You fucking changed me. I don’t even

  know how or when. Now I wish I’d never met you.

  You’re nothing to me, Alex Whale.”

  After the rant, Chris exhales. He stares at Alex

  with an impassive face. “Fuck off. Don’t come to me

  again,” Chris adds for emphasis. He switches the

  light off and burrows under the duvet once more,

  with his back to Alex.

  Alex wants to say ‘what the fuck?’ but thinks

  better of it. Is it so bad to be concerned when your

  friend comes home from work covered in black and

  blue?

  Alex returns to his room and sulks like a lovesick

  teenager, staring at his bare walls. He wishes he had

  a punch bag. He is hurt, wound up. Fifty press-ups

  and sit-ups in the narrow space between the wall

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  and his bed should occupy his body, if not his mind.

  Alex is nothing to Chris.

  ~~~

  For days, Chris ignores Alex whenever she sees

  him in the flat. Whenever Alex says hello, she looks

  the other way, and every time he feels like she has

  punched him and his heart is hollower.

  About a week later, Alex can’t stand it anymore.

  When he’s sure Chris is in her room one night, he

  enters without permission, pushing his chest out

  and prepared to face her fury. Chris is sitting on her

  bed, a cigarette dangling from her lips as she taps

  something on her phone. Her stare is harsh and

  cold, but Alex stands tall and returns his own glare.

  Instead of telling Alex to leave, Chris stubs out

  her cigarette, turns the light off, and lies down. No,

  no. Alex kneels down next to the bed.

  “Chris, listen. I’m not trying to control you or

  criticise you, all right? Not like all your previous

  boyfriends. I worry about you when you’re working.

  It’s not right to be all bruised up because it’s not like

  you’re into that stuff. I know that.”

  When Chris fails to respond, Alex continues,

  “Talk to me. Tell me I’m something to you!”

  “No, leave me alone.”

  “Chris. You lied about me.” Alex’s voice trembles,

  betraying his desperation, because he wants Chris

  to know he cares. When he went to prison, he lost

  everything and he existed only to go through the

  motions. Their relationship has to mean something

  because Chris has given him reasons to hurt. The

  epiphany makes Alex’s heart thump so hard and fast

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  he fears she can hear it.

  Let her know. Let her see how much.

  “I said, ‘Fuck off.’” There is little force behind

  Chris’s words.

  She turns the table lamp back on and sits up.

  “I’ve been doing this for years. And before that, I

  looked after myself and my mum. I don’t need you

  to tell me how to do my job, to protect me.”

  She blinks as if to stop her tears from falling. She

  whispers, “I wish you were nothing to me. I wish I

  could walk away and forget about you.”

  Alex blinks. He grabs hold of Chris’s hand. She

  stares at their joined hands.

  “I do want you to be safe, but I won’t be the big

  man trying to tell you what to do. I hate being the

  big man. Just…don’t lie about us.” All Alex can see

  are the big blue eyes hiding fear. He wants a

  fighting chance with the owner of that horror.

  Chris’s tears form two rivulets down her cheeks.

  She wipes them and stares at the tears as if

  surprised. “No one’s safe. Nothing’s guaranteed.

  Promises are words that offer false hope. They all

  treat me like a freak and leave eventually.”

  “I’m not good with words. Let me prove myself to

  you. I’m here and I want to be here, with you,” Alex

  pleads.

  “How can you promise me anything? You don’t

  even know me.”

  “Then let me get to know you and you’ll find out

  about me, so I will be something to you. I’m worried

  you will leave when you do.” Alex says the last part

  with childish petulance, earning a reluctant smile

  from Chris. He knows she likes a challenge.

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  “How can I leave unless we’re together? If you tell

  me what the fuck we’re doing, then I can make a

  decision.” She arches her eyebrows in a perfect

  inverted V.

  Alex grins. Now they are getting somewhere.

  “That makes two of us. We don’t know what we’re

  doing, but will you? Let me stay?”

  “I wish I knew how to quit you, Alexander.” Chris

  adds, “That’s a line from Brokeback Mountain.”

  Alex frowns. “What mountain now?”

  Chris sighs heavily. “Never mind. Two het-boys

  playing gays in the hills. It’s quite romantic, though,

  if you’re into that kind of thing. I’m not.”

  Alex nods. Then he remembers what Chris said

  about the film. “Would you like it if we do

  something romantic, like having sex?”

  Chris is silent for so long, Alex thinks there won’t

  be an answer. She rolls a joint and smokes as if to

  stall the conversation. Alex sits and waits with his

  customary patience.

  “Sex is not romantic for me. It’s a…commodity,”

  she states.

  Alex gazes at her, trying to empathise, to consider

  something that he assumes to be part of a romantic

  relationship.

  “No, it’s not for me. I know how this may sound,

  but you probably haven’t met the right person yet.”

  Chris laughs and gives Alex an eye-roll. “You’ve

  gone from nothing to telling me you’re my Prince

  Charming. You’ve woken me up from a hundred

  years of stupor? I don’t believe in the one and only,

  and we’re not going to have angry make-up sex,

  Alex Whale.”

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  Alex chuckles. “I didn’t think so. I don’t care

  about angry sex, as long as I’ve got angry Chris

  rather than sulking Chris because you know what?”

  Alex waits for a moment before saying quietly, “I

  mean something to you. Admit it.”

  Chris chuckles. “If you say so. Are you coming to

  bed or what?”

  “Can I? Have I su
rvived our first argument? I’ve

  not been sleeping cuz you’re not next to me. I

  reached out and you weren’t there. I missed my

  Chris-shaped lump.”

  Chris touches Alex’s five o’clock shadow. “How

  are you feeling?”

  Alex feels like a kicked puppy. A rather huge

  kicked puppy. His depression is a larger-than-life

  shadow that trails both of them. His dreams are

  reruns of a horrific slice of reality. He can’t forget

  the scene that has been so vividly etched in his

  psyche, his nightmares and every waking moment

  ever since the accident. His horrors can only be

  dulled by the pills.

  He shrugs. “It’s okay. I’m not better or worse.”

  The meds make him feel flat and hollowed out, but

  Chris is the spot of red in a sea of blue.

  Chris draws Alex’s head close and whispers in his

  ear, “I’m here. Yeah, you’re something, Alex.”

  Alex grins.

  ~~~

  Chris has coaxed Alex into going out to Soho.

  When she comes out of her bedroom, Alex gawks

  and swallows. She’s wearing a little black dress,

  flesh-coloured tights and her usual jewelled pumps,

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  her make-up understated as always. Her short,

  cropped hair reveals two small earrings dangling

  from her delicate ears, her long neck punctuated by

  a small leather necklace.

  As Chris puts her black coat on, she smiles. “Stop

  staring.”

  Alex opens his mouth a couple of times before

  replying, “Can’t help it. You’re beautiful. When did

  you start dressing like this?” He plays with the lapel

  of her coat.

  Chris checks her phone, wallet and keys. “A long

  time ago. I enjoyed the dressing-up part of

  modelling and acting, even though the rest was

  bullshit. I hated the uniforms at school. I started

  wearing things I liked when I was about fifteen or

  sixteen.”

  “At school as well?” Alex asks. She can almost see

  him sorting

  and

  storing

  the

  Chris-related

  information in his head.

  “Yeah, I wore earrings, painted my nails, put on

  eyeliner and things like that. The school wouldn’t

  allow jewellery, so I got into trouble for it a bit. I

  sometimes wore dresses and skirts. By that time, I

  wasn’t going to school much anyway.”

  Alex kisses her cheek. “Did anyone bully you over

  this?”

  “Oh, yeah, you bet. Some of the kids tried, but I

  wasn’t exactly a pushover. I was the tallest in class

  for quite a while, even though I was a bit too lanky

  to be a good fighter.”

  “Wish I was there.”

  “I didn’t need no protector. I had a reputation for

  being a bit of a headcase. I was a freak and I acted

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  up. That was my weapon against those assholes at

  school. The teachers didn’t care to force me to learn

  and the other kids kept their distance. A few

  taunted me relentlessly but I survived anyway.”

  Her school days are simply not something she

  dwells on.

  Alex says, “I love your independence. You’re a

  free spirit, Chris.”

  “I certainly don’t need help.”

  Alex smiles. “I will always offer it though.”

  She winds her arm around him. “Come on. Are we

  going or what? You look like you want to stay here

  and gape at me all night.”

  Serious flirtation hangs in Chris’s voice.

  “Okay. Let’s go. I’d like us to do something when

  you’re out of that dress, though. Properly. Soon.”

  She hits him. “I told you I’m not that easy.”

  That earns a dry laugh from Alex.

  ~~~

  It’s ten thirty by the time they arrive at the club.

  There’s no way Chris won’t get into the place with

  her familiar face and genial disposition, but the

  bouncers give Alex a once-over. They recognise him

  but are discreet enough to let them through without

  any fuss. Chris directs him down to the basement

  where he surveys the clientele, taking note of the

  setup in the underground room before she leads

  him by the hand through the packed floor to the

  bar. She addresses the barmen by their names and

  gets a beer for herself and a Diet Coke for him. They

  perch by a shelf near the end of the bar.

  Chris leans close to speak to him above the loud

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  music. “Is this okay? Not too crowded?”

  The fact that it’s busy works fine for Alex. Most of

  the punters don’t seem to take notice of him. He

  kisses Chris’s soft cheek. “Yeah. I’m good.”

  The cavernous room isn’t set up for dancing,

  though. There’s no dance floor, but a low stage

  stands to one end of the central space.

  A pair of lean arms circle Chris from behind, and

  the guy they belong to kisses her cheek. “Hey. How’s

  it going?” He comes around to face Chris and Alex.

  Chris returns the kiss. “Mwah. We’re good. You’re

  not working tonight?”

  “No. I should be fucking studying, but I’d had

  enough. I’ll take advantage of my staff discount and

  get you two some cheap drinks in a second.”

  He holds his hand out to shake Alex’s. “I’m Liam.”

  “Oh.” Alex wipes his hand on his thigh and takes

  Liam’s. “Alex. I replaced you in the flat.”

  “Aye, aye.” Liam’s twang betrays his Irish

  heritage. “Everything all right there?”

  Alex glances over at Chris, who flashes her

  signature enigmatic smile.

  “Yeah. More than all right,” she admits.

  Liam looks between the two and nods. He asks

  what they’d like to drink and wanders off to order.

  When he returns, Chris asks Liam, “Who’s

  performing tonight?”

  Liam laughs. “Victoria Leather.”

  Chris coos. “Holy moly. I love Victor!” She turns

  to Alex and explains, “Drag act on the last Thursday

  of every month. Victoria is exquisite.”

  Alex can only imagine RuPaul, even though he

  hardly ever pays attention to the programme. Soon,

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  Chris spots a couple of people she knows and strays

  over to say hello.

  Liam holds his pint up to salute Alex, his eyes

  peering over to Chris at the other end of the room.

  “Chris is quite a handful, yeah?”

  Alex grins. “You can say that again.”

  “They’re a bit of a character, like.” Liam utters

  the word like a veiled warning.

  Alex’s temperature cools with that threat.

  “How long have you two been…you know?” Liam

  twirls his forefinger once and takes a big gulp of his

  beer.

  Alex’s smile returns. “It’s hard to say. I’m…

  interested in Chris. I can’t remember when we

  started.” Everything—the beginning and middle—

  was fuzzy, but his beam stays because, somehow,

  they
have ended up dating.

  Liam raises a single eyebrow. “Intriguing.” He

  thinks about it for moments. “I’ve not seen Chris

  like this. Ever. The way they smile around you,

  acting kinda coy. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say

  they’re happy. Chris pretends they don’t care about

  anyone, but they took me in when I was a fucking

  mess.”

  Chris has told Alex a little about Liam, who used

  to be an escort too until he met his boyfriend and

  moved out. The recovering drug addict has cleaned

  up his act and gone back to university to study for a

  music degree. As a kindred spirit, Alex can imagine

  the troubles behind Liam’s eyes.

  “It’s good, isn’t it? I mean, Chris being happy?”

  Alex asks tentatively.

  Liam swallows his beer. “Sure. Yes. Cuz Chris

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  pretends to be jovial but they push people away,

  force them to treat them badly. Nasty break-up.

  Repeat. So, I guess you guys are doing great.”

  Alex smiles. His eyes drift over to where Chris is

  talking to her friends. She is laughing about

  something and seems relaxed. The warm fuzzy

  sensation, now almost familiar, surges inside him.

  “We’re taking things easy. Chris is sweet

  underneath all that bullshit, you know.”

  Liam almost chokes on his drink. “Slow and

  sweet? It doesn’t sound too much like Chris. They’re

  a champ of three-minute relationships. You must be

  special. I can see why you might be a perfect match

  for them because they need a great big fucking beast

  to tame them, that’s for sure.”

  Alex smiles and shakes his head. “Yeah. When I

  first moved in, all I could hear was, hmm, her sexual

  activities or her arguments with people. But, we’ve

  only held hands and cuddled in bed. It’s as if we’re

  dating back in the 1950s. We’re waiting till we get

  hitched or something like that.”

  Liam’s eyes widen. “Wow. You mean…you haven’t

  had sex yet? Holy shit!”

  Alex shrugs. “I don’t miss a thing.”

  Chris comes back and she folds herself around

  Alex, interrupting their conversation. Alex looks at

  Chris and the blue-green of her eyes, mesmerised by

  the mild pink gracing her cheeks and the big smile

  on her face.

  “Hey, what are you two talking about?” Chris

  asks.

  Liam gives her an eye-roll. “You, of course, and

  how you seem to be totally smitten! I’ve never seen

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  you like this.”

  She laughs, rubbing her nose against Alex’s thick