Blue Jay

by A Zukowski

  darkness fills him.

  No one will ever be able to understand the

  nightmares Alex lives through again and again, and

  how they eat him up, turn him inside out. The

  explosive impact of the two vehicles and the

  screams of those badly hurt vibrate long into the

  night. Blood, so much blood, cradling Sam’s lifeless

  body while waiting for the ambulance.

  It’s for the better that he doesn’t get involved with

  Chris. Alex is hardly a prize. Anyone who has a

  relationship with him will have to deal with his

  depression and guilt for years to come.

  He finds his phone and texts his boss, feigning

  illness. I’ve got the flu. Sorry. He sinks down under

  the cover. He may have slept, but more often than

  not, he gazes at the stains on the walls.

  ~~~

  181

  Chris has come back from an appointment. He

  has a quick shower and puts a frozen pizza in the

  oven. He glances at Alex’s closed door and wonders

  if he’ll want to have dinner with him.

  Stop. Surely he can’t give in and allow himself to

  get close to Alex again. Alex will find out what a

  despicable person Chris is. They won’t even stay

  friends and that will be a real tragedy. He

  remembers the look on Alex’s face as he left: the

  downturn of his mouth and the deep groove

  between his brows.

  A justification for his concerns.

  How long has it been since that early morning

  kiss and his rejection of Alex? Two days? Three?

  Chris turns around and sees white as if someone has

  hit the side of his head, and he suffers a whiplash.

  His resolve not to care about Alex disappears.

  He intercepts Alberto as he walks past on his way

  out. “Hey, have you seen Alex?”

  The Italian raises an eyebrow. “No. What’s up?

  You should know. He’s your boyfriend.”

  Chris narrows his eyes. “No, he’s not…oh, never

  mind. Thanks.”

  Alberto shrugs and continues on. Chris considers

  Alex’s door and knocks on it. If Alex has the same

  shift this week, he should be at work. No answer. He

  texts Alex to see if he’ll reply, and then takes the

  disgusting readymade pizza out of the oven. Guess

  Alex is not missing much.

  As he tucks into a slice, Alex’s door opens and the

  man himself emerges. Chris’s hand freezes in mid-

  air, his mouth open.

  “Why are you texting me when I’m right here?”

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  Alex asks.

  He’s wearing a faded T-shirt and boxers, his hair

  a great big mess. Alex’s unshaven face tells Chris he

  has holed up in his room for three solid days since

  Chris refused him. Alex folds his arms in front of his

  chest and frowns.

  Chris stares at Alex’s bloodshot eyes, at the grief

  and sadness. His dinner completely forgotten, he

  reaches up to him and hugs the big man, but Alex

  stands there in stony silence.

  “Why didn’t you answer your door, then?”

  Chris sees the state of Alex’s room now. It has

  been turned upside down: a chair has been broken,

  the slats scattered on the floor, and clothes and

  bedding strewn around. Alex smells of stale sweat

  and musk.

  Is this his fault? All his fears and confusion

  dissipating, Chris only wants to help Alex, to

  embrace him and take all his sadness away. It won’t

  matter if Alex hurts him in the long run.

  This time Alex pushes him away. “No. Don’t.”

  Chris steps back a foot and gazes at Alex.

  “Don’t touch me and be nice to me.” Alex’s voice

  is low as a forbidden whisper. “Don’t make me fall

  in love with you and then tell me to fuck off.”

  Chris takes a deep breath. He sinks down into the

  chair, his body heavy as if he’s weighted down by

  the effect he has on Alex.

  They are a fucking disaster waiting to happen.

  “You scare me because you’re saying you love me.

  I’m doomed to fail and then I’ll be hurt, and you’ll

  be pissed off too. And fuck knows you’re a big mess

  already.”

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  “I know I’m a mess…but why will we fail? I mean,

  I won’t hurt you, not if I can help it.” Alex’s eyes

  shift to far away.

  “How can you promise me that? How can anyone

  say that?”

  Chris runs back to his room and buries his head

  in his hands. Despite his best efforts to hold back,

  he starts sobbing, thinking about all these people

  who have promised him the moon and then

  deserted him when it suited them. He remembers

  one of his ex-lovers called him emotionally stunted.

  Well, fuck off, then. And that’s what all of them have

  done.

  Alex pushes the door open and stands so Chris

  can see his legs, thick and solid. When he gazes up,

  Alex’s face is distorted, masked by a kind of anguish

  familiar to him. Alex kneels down and hugs Chris,

  but Chris fights him, trying to get away from the

  contact. Alex grips Chris’s wrists to stop him from

  struggling.

  Chris stills, letting Alex hold him. “I missed you,

  you stupid fuck,” Chris admits. His tears keep

  falling. Big fat ugly tears of frustration and anger.

  Yeah, a pair of idiots. A giant, tattooed ex-boxer

  and a hardened escort who shouldn’t be like this.

  Chris is not crying for Alex or himself, though. He’s

  mourning in acknowledgement of the things he was

  deprived of, a lost childhood, unconditional love.

  Whatever he lacks is unknown and frightening. The

  man in front of him makes him want things that are

  the most terrifying of all.

  “Missed you too. Couldn’t sleep cuz you weren’t

  next to me,” Alex replies.

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  Chris looks up and smiles through his tears. “You

  keep saying that. Get a hot-water bottle already. You

  know this will come to no good, right?”

  “Maybe we’re worth the risk, Chris. You are

  definitely worth all the heartaches in the world.”

  Alex hugs Chris tightly and lets him cry himself dry.

  Cradle.

  185

  CHAPTER 10

  RAINBOW

  THE RINGING WAKES them up in the middle of the

  night. Chris retrieves her mobile from the bedside

  table. She rubs her eyes and presses speak. “Hello?”

  … “Yes, I am.” … “What’s wrong with her?” Chris’s

  brows draw close with irritation. “Which hospital is

  it?” She promises to be there as soon as she can and

  clicks off.

  “All right? Who’s in the hospital?” Alex moves

  closer.

  Chris gets up to locate clean clothes. “Who could

  it be? Her Majesty Annette, of course. They

  wouldn’t tell me much over the phone, just that

  she’s not in danger now.”

  Alex follows Chris and gets dressed. “I’m coming

  with you.”

  Chris no
ds. “Okay. Thanks.”

  ~~~

  Without the make-up and the latest revealing

  clothes, Annette’s more herself. Chris hasn’t seen

  her like this for years. Her natural beauty shines

  through despite the circumstances, and she seems

  younger, so much so she could claim to be Chris’s

  older sister.

  Chris goes around the bed to help Annette as she

  tries to sit up. A small, reluctant smile appears on

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  her face. Her eyes land on Alex, who’s standing a

  foot behind Chris.

  “Hey, Chris. Alex.” Her voice is rough. “My throat

  hurts from the tube.”

  “What tube—”

  A white-coat comes in, surveys the room and

  guesses the relationships between those present

  correctly.

  “I’m Dr. Philips. Are you Ms. Neeser’s son? Mr.

  Neeser?” He holds out his hand to shake Chris’s.

  Chris nods. “Please, call me Chris. This is my

  friend, Alex.” The doctor acknowledges the other

  visitor.

  “Ms. Neeser, do you want me to speak to Chris

  about what happened?”

  Her eyes glisten. She answers with a voice so

  small and vulnerable it may break Chris’s heart if it

  hasn’t already been broken too many times. “Yes,

  please. Chris, I’m sorry.”

  Dr. Philips delivers his spiel about alcohol

  poisoning and whatnot. Chris already guessed most

  of it. Annette binged and became violently ill,

  vomiting blood, among other things. In her

  delirium, she also took painkillers and other drugs,

  and couldn’t quite remember what and how much.

  Her latest boyfriend is nowhere to be seen.

  “We gave her a gastric lavage, otherwise known as

  a stomach pump. It’s not as bad as it sounds. The

  procedure’s not as intrusive as it used to be. Have

  you any questions?” He addresses Chris.

  “When will she be discharged?”

  “She should be all right to leave in the morning,

  in a few hours after another check-up.” The doctor

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  turns to Annette. “I’ll ask the nurse to talk to you

  about alcohol and drug use before you go.”

  Annette nods again, her shoulders hunched. Her

  effort to smile is strained by embarrassment.

  Dr. Philips departs, leaving Chris and Alex to

  stand awkwardly for a couple of minutes.

  Annette watches them. “Are you two seeing each

  other?”

  Chris and Alex’s eyes meet. Chris would like to

  shout about their budding relationship, but she

  doesn’t owe Annette an explanation. “It’s none of

  your business. You’ve done enough to fuck up my

  life as it is.”

  Annette shifts in her bed and offers another timid

  smile. “I’m sorry. I hope you find happiness, Chris,

  and Alex seems like a good man.”

  It’s the first sensible thing she’s said to Chris in

  years, and yet, Chris can’t let go of the angry fire in

  her heart. “I don’t rely on you for my happiness, so

  that’s something. And you wouldn’t know a good

  man if he hit you in the face. Hell, that’s

  contradictory in terms.”

  Annette’s face dims. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.”

  “I’m not going to be hurt by you anymore. Don’t

  worry about it.” She schools her face to hide the

  emotions threatening to surface.

  Annette looks pale and grief-stricken. For once,

  she is not acting.

  “Jimmy left. For good.” She swallows. “I’m going

  to sort myself out. You may not believe it, but I will

  stop drinking and go to AA.”

  “You say that every time some dude dumps you.”

  Chris can’t help but disapprove.

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  “I know. I know. Let me prove it to you this time.”

  Annette gazes at Chris and Alex again. “You’ll do

  better than me, Chris. I know you will… I’m very

  tired. Thank you for coming, you two. I’ll be all

  right. I’ll let you know when I get home tomorrow.”

  “Shall I come back to help you? You can text me,”

  Chris grudgingly offers.

  Annette shakes her head. “I can manage a taxi.

  You head back and get some sleep. I told them not

  to call you in the middle of the night. It’s not like

  I’m dying or anything.”

  Annette is dismissing them, so Chris and Alex bid

  farewell. Once they’re outside of the hospital, they

  seek out the taxi queue and climb into one. Alex

  takes Chris’s hand in his large palm and holds onto

  her tightly all the way home. Through the window,

  Chris watches the hazy orange sun appearing on the

  horizon. Is it what hope looks like? Does it always

  struggle to shine through the clouds? She closes her

  eyes to concentrate on the safe sensation of Alex’s

  skin.

  Once back in their flat, Alex pulls Chris into an

  embrace. “Let’s go back to bed.”

  They seem to be spending more and more nights

  like this, lying in Chris’s bed, chatting and getting to

  know each other. Alex plays with Chris’s soft hair.

  “What are we doing, Chris?”

  “I honestly don’t know. I like being with you, but I

  don’t know how to be happy, how to make someone

  else happy. You heard my mum. You know what’s

  wrong with me, don’t you? So, are you interested?”

  “Am I interested? Chris, I’m totally into you.

  There’s nothing wrong with you. We must be two

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  wrongs, and they seem to make this feel right.” He

  leans forward and kisses Chris. She doesn’t want it

  to end this time.

  When they eventually pull apart, tears prick at the

  back of Chris’s eyes. “Annette’s first sensible thing

  to say to me was about you being a good man.”

  Alex laughs, but it’s a bitter kind. “I tried to be a

  decent man. To be a good boxer, a responsible son.

  An honourable husband to Sam…but see what

  happened.” He sighs. “You don’t seem to realise I’ve

  killed, and in the eyes of most people, that’s

  definitely pretty evil.”

  Chris kisses Alex’s forehead. “You did a terrible

  thing, but it doesn’t make you a bad person. What

  am I even talking about? I don’t believe in good and

  evil.”

  Alex’s smile returns. “Good or bad, I think you’re

  great.”

  Chris actually feels shy when she’s the centre of

  Alex’s attention. Alex is the first in so many ways.

  When was the last time she felt nervous in the

  company of another? “Still, don’t think I’m going to

  put out just because you said that.”

  “What?” Alex chuckles. “You honestly think I’m

  only nice to you so we can have sex?”

  Chris smiles through a paradox of sadness and

  happiness. “Don’t forget I’ve been programmed to

  distrust everybody.”

  Alex is still grinning. “I’ll wait for you to beg me.”

  “Oh, fuck you! I will never do
that!” Chris pushes

  him in jest. “Don’t you think it’ll be strange? Have

  you slept with someone like me before?”

  “I’ve never met anyone like you, Chris.”

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  Chris giggles. “I have a penis.”

  “What’s your point?” Alex frowns.

  “Have you thought about your sexuality?”

  Alex nods. “I was attracted to some men but I

  didn’t dare do anything about it. It wouldn’t be

  acceptable to my family or in the boxing world,

  y’know? Then, I married Sam who was my first

  girlfriend, and I thought any gay feelings would go

  away.” He dry laughs. “So, yes, I have been thinking

  about it since I first met you. I’m nervous but I want

  you sexually, yes.”

  Chris takes Alex’s hand and puts it over her own

  heart. “Well, you never stop being who you are. I’m

  bi and queer. When I sleep with a woman, I’m not

  straight, like when I fuck a man, I’m not gay.”

  “I think you’re one of a kind.” Alex grins.

  “I doubt it.” Chris places their joined hands over

  Alex’s heart. “Unlike you, Alex Whale.”

  “If you say so. We should sleep. Why do we

  always do this? Talking till the crack of dawn.”

  “We’ve got stuff to talk about. That’s why.”

  Alex rubs his stubble on Chris’s cheek, prickling

  him. “I think it’s a good thing.”

  “Hmm.” Chris is almost too sleepy to talk.

  “And Chris?”

  “Hmm.” She’s dropping off.

  “I’m falling in love with you.”

  Her heart is thumping so fast she’s afraid Alex

  can hear it. She almost gives in and tells Alex she

  loves him too, before a lifetime of habit stops her

  from showing the one true emotion she has lately.

  She hates herself for being scared by the uncertainty

  of wanting a relationship.

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  “Good,” she mumbles instead.

  Alex’s smile illuminates the little dusky bubble

  around them.

  ~~~

  Coupling.

  Alex asked Chris out, to go on a proper date. He

  wanted Chris to decide what to do—Alex says he

  hasn’t dated since he and Sam were twenty—so

  Chris has come to Liam and Ali’s house for tea and a

  bit of advice.

  Chris’s old flatmate Liam moved in with Ali,

  which was marvellous for Liam, and because he

  showed Chris there might be light at the end of a

  dark tunnel—a place she’s been her entire life,

  wading against the tide and never reaching the end.

  “I have no clue, either,” she says. “I know places