How Spy I Am

by Diane Henders

  “Really.”

  I dropped my forehead to the hard floor. That remote tone told me everything I needed to know.

  “Fine,” I mumbled into the wood. “I knew it was a mistake to sleep with you.” When he made no response, hot anger flared through my veins, and I jerked against him, snarling. “Go ahead, then, asshole! If you like hurting me so much, why don’t you beat the hell out of me? Because we both know it’s all my fault, don’t we? You fucking prick!”

  He got off me so abruptly the sudden cessation of pressure was almost as painful as a blow. A cry wrenched out of me and I rolled slowly onto my side and lay half-curled, hoping to protect myself if he did actually hit me.

  “You really think I’d…?” The remote tone was gone, and I heard him swallow in the darkness. “You think that’s what this is about?”

  I drew a slow breath and curled tighter, shivering in long waves. “How would I know? What else are we fighting about?”

  “Put this on.”

  My warm fleecy robe landed on top of me and I dragged myself to my knees, fumbling my arms into the garment and groaning at the burning pain in my over-stretched shoulders.

  I heard the closet door close and sudden blinding light made me squint.

  “God, Aydan, you look like hell.”

  “Thank you.” I crept over to lean my back against the wall and curled up, hugging my trembling knees to my chest.

  “What the hell were you thinking?” he barked.

  “John.” I fixed him with a weary eye. “Shoot me, tell me what’s on your mind, or shut the fuck up. Or hell, do all of them, in any order you please. I don’t have the energy for your bullshit tonight.”

  “My bullshit.”

  “Yes. Your bullshit. What are you doing in my closet?”

  “Why aren’t you still in Calgary screwing Hellhound’s brains out?”

  I glared. “You don’t listen very well, do you? I told you, he dumped me. Now what the hell are you doing in my closet?”

  A moment later the obvious reason occurred to me, and I jerked upright. “You bastard, you were snooping around in my house! You thought I’d be gone for the night, and you were searching my place. You… you… spy!” The inadequacy of the epithet only made me angrier.

  Kane’s lips twisted. “Look who’s talking. What the hell were you thinking, involving Hellhound in one of your ops? He’s a civilian, dammit, you have no right to endanger him!”

  “Says the guy who got him into that mess at Harchman’s and ended up getting him tortured. Says the guy who knowingly sent him into that warehouse to get the shit kicked out of him last week…”

  I ran down as his words sank in.

  “It wasn’t an op,” I protested feebly, realizing even as I said the words how implausible they sounded. “I’m not an agent, I don’t have any ops, it was just…”

  This time he let me trail off into silence, watching me with eyes like cold grey iron. After a lengthy pause, he prompted, “Just what?”

  “Nnnngh!” I thumped my forehead on my knees, thinking furiously.

  “I’ve known from the start you were an undercover agent,” Kane said. “Why didn’t you just trust me with it?”

  “I’m not-”

  “Cut the crap, Aydan! Hellhound told me what you were doing. A night drop in an isolated area, a mysterious contact, lives at stake…” He shot me a hard-eyed frown. “The only reason I didn’t go directly to Stemp with this was because Hellhound swore I could trust you. He said you were trying to protect me from a mistake I allegedly made in the past.”

  He raised a cynical eyebrow. “For some reason, he believes you won’t lie to him.”

  “I won’t.”

  “But you’ll lie to me,” Kane said softly.

  “I’ve never…” I closed my mouth on the words. Sank my head onto my knees. “Once. I only lied to you once. And I admitted it afterward. I told you I was sorry.”

  “Only because I caught you in the lie.” When I didn’t answer, he asked, “Why can’t you give me the honesty you give him?”

  Heavy exhaustion dragged at my limbs and I thumped the back of my head against the wall a couple of times. “I’m not going to have this conversation with you. We both know where it goes. I’m not going to compare you.”

  “I’m not asking you to compare us. I’m asking a simple question.”

  I jerked to my feet, sick and tired of the whole conversation. “Fine. You want to know why? Arnie and I promised each other the truth, and he never puts me in a position where I have to lie to him. If I say I can’t tell him, he accepts it. You push me and corner me and won’t take no for an answer. And who do you think you are to accuse me of lying? You lied to me, too.”

  I reached past him to turn off the lights and fumbled for the doorknob in the darkness. “So now do you want to know if your dick is bigger than his? Compare how many orgasms he gives me? Do you want to know what he does to me in bed-”

  Kane’s big hand closed on my shoulder, his hard body blocking my way. “Aydan, that’s not fair.” His voice was raw in the darkness. “You know that wasn’t what I was asking. And I’ve never lied to you.”

  I stiffened against the urge to slap him. “Bullshit! You lied your face off. You swore all you wanted was friends with benefits and you lied to me, and then you made it my fault when you were disappointed. Fuck you, buddy!” I shoved past him and out the door.

  He caught up with me at the entrance to the kitchen, catching my arm to pull me to a halt. “Aydan, I didn’t lie to you. I said I understood that friends with benefits was all you wanted. I never pretended I didn’t want more. And I never said our argument was your fault.”

  As I turned to him in the moonlight, his face hardened. “Wait. Now I get it,” he growled. “Oh, you’re good. You have sex with me and then turn it into a fight so you can keep me distracted from your undercover ops. Play my best friend off against me. Mess with my mind until I can’t think straight. And you just did it again. Created a fight about sex to deflect my questions. Goddammit, you’re cold.”

  His grip tightened painfully as I gaped at him. “Okay, honey, the sex was great, but now we’re going to talk,” he snapped. “And if I don’t like your answers, you’re going to be talking to Stemp and a lot of other people. I guarantee you won’t enjoy the conversation.”

  I stared up at him, stricken dumb by the annihilation of every ounce of trust, every gesture of friendship, every moment of warmth between us. The angry stranger glared back at me from Kane’s face. His fingers bit into my arm. “Talk, spy,” he grated.

  The sheer magnitude of the destruction held me speechless and paralyzed except for the ever-increasing tremor in my knees. I opened my mouth but nothing came out.

  Kane’s shadowed face was set in lines of fury. “Don’t you dare,” he hissed. “Don’t you dare pull this act on me.”

  A voice finally returned to my mouth. It wasn’t my voice, but I used it anyway.

  “Get out.” A voice like the arctic wind whipping up needles of snow. “Take your hands off me and get out of my house.”

  Kane sneered. “So now you don’t want my hands on you. I didn’t hear you complaining while you were coming your brains out in my bed.”

  Overwhelmed, I swung at him with my free hand, mindlessly trying to drive the ugliness away. Drive away the pain and loss. Drive him away.

  His hand snapped out to clamp around my wrist, stopping my palm inches from his face, and he held me effortlessly when I tried to jerk away.

  I summoned the last of my energy for a scream. “Get out! Get out, GET OUT!”

  His face twisted and he flung me away from him before turning on his heel to stride away.

  My knees gave way and I sank to the cold floor, huddling there for a long time after the door slammed behind him.

  Chapter 28

  I didn’t appreciate Jack’s excellent curry lunch as much as I might have under other circumstances. I passed off my haggard appearance as the result of a n
ight of insomnia, which was technically true.

  Despite my overwhelming desire to crawl into a hole and pull it in behind me, I managed to respond to her friendly conversation, and I felt better by the time I left in the early afternoon.

  My improved mood evaporated when I parked my car at home. I slouched in the driver’s seat, staring blindly at my garage wall. Maybe I should tell Stemp about this whole mess.

  Hell, Kane had probably beaten me to it. He’d been so disgusted by me last night, he probably couldn’t wait to tell Stemp.

  But he didn’t really have anything to report, other than his suspicion that I was a spy. That was old news to Stemp. And if Stemp had decided not to trust me, he would have locked me up by now.

  I blew out a long sigh and got out of the car. I couldn’t change anything now. All I could do was wait to see if Robert contacted me again.

  I spent the afternoon working at my computer, but the blinking white square didn’t make another appearance.

  After an inadequate supper of leftovers, I dragged my leaden body back to the computer desk, propping my chin in my hand and fighting my heavy eyelids. When I discovered I’d made the same bookkeeping mistake three times in a row, I quit in disgust.

  The ring of the telephone jerked me out of a restless sleep. Heart pounding, I squinted with sleep-blurred eyes at the clock beside my bed. Six-fifteen. On a Sunday morning.

  Oh shit.

  My heart kicked up to double-time while I pawed clumsily at the handset.

  “Ms. Widdenback.” Stemp’s flat voice made me suppress a groan.

  “What’s wrong?” I demanded.

  “I need your team assembled here by nine A.M.”

  “Okay.” I hung up, knowing he wouldn’t tell me anything more until I got there.

  I arrived at Sirius Dynamics early, too jittery to stay home any longer despite my fatigue. I was sitting on the sofa in my office, discovering that feeling jittery at the office wasn’t in any way superior to feeling jittery at home, when Stemp stuck his head in the door.

  The twitch of humour was back at the corner of his mouth. “Nice setup for a news article, Ms. Widdenback. I appreciate your dedication to your cover,” he said, and continued down the hall.

  Oh God, now what?

  Nobody had arrived to bring my network key up from the secured area yet, and I had no intention of going down to get it myself. But I could still use my Sirius fob to get into the network as long as I didn’t have to do any decryptions.

  I gripped the fob with a sinking sensation and stepped into the virtual corridor.

  The network was deserted, and I created a simple internet browser in the nearest vacant sim room. Holding my breath, I searched Arlene Cherry.

  Oh, for chrissake.

  I stared hopelessly at the lurid headline and accompanying photo. Come to think of it, I had vaguely noticed a bright flash the other night.

  ‘Porn Star in Catfight’, the headline read. The picture had been snapped just after I’d punched the brunette, and it was in regrettably clear focus. Her fingers were tearing at my hair, her face contorted. My fist was sunk in her midriff. I looked annoyed.

  For some reason that made me snicker. I’d been scared and frantic to escape, but my expression in the picture looked as though I’d been dealing with a minor but irritating inconvenience.

  Feeling more cheerful, I shut down the sim and stepped painlessly out of the portal. When I blinked my eyes back into focus, Spider was smiling down at me.

  “Good morning,” he greeted me. “It’s nice to see you come out of the network with a smile on your face for a change.”

  “Yeah. I wish I could use the Sirius fob all the time.”

  “I wish you could, too,” he agreed. “What were you enjoying in there?”

  I shot him a grin that contained a few more teeth than usual. “Arlene Cherry’s latest headline.”

  He winced. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Spider, you don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

  “Actually, um…” He gave me a tentative glance before turning his attention to his toes. “I, um, I created the article. Sorry. Stemp’s orders.”

  “What? You’ve been following me around with a camera just in case I did something newsworthy?”

  “No!” He blushed. “No, that was just some random guy who saw a catfight and snapped a picture with his cellphone camera. He thought it was funny and uploaded it to his Facebook page, and my facial recognition algorithm flagged it. When Stemp saw the photo, he decided we could use it to reinforce your cover. I’m really sorry,” he repeated.

  “It’s okay, Spider.” When he didn’t look up, I reached out to squeeze his hand. “Hey, Spider, you don’t have to feel bad about this stuff. If you’re planning to apologize every time it happens, you’re going to run out breath. It’s just part of the job. Let it go.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, really. It’s okay.”

  He took a deep breath. “Thanks, Aydan.”

  “No problem.”

  Kane and Jack arrived, deep in conversation, and Jack broke off to give me a smile. “Hi, Aydan! Did you sleep better last night?”

  “Hi, I did, thanks. Must’ve been your fabulous curry,” I lied, carefully not looking at Kane. “I’ll be right back,” I added, and fled to the ladies’ room.

  By the time I returned, Kasper and Stemp had arrived. I was grateful when Stemp began the briefing with his usual abruptness, sparing me any interaction with Kane.

  “Ms. Widdenback, Kane, you’ll be leaving for Macon, Georgia on a 17:45 flight out of Calgary tonight, arriving 08:35 local time tomorrow morning. You’ll be assisting Dr. Kraus in the U.S. counterpart of our brainwave-driven program. Dr. Travers, Webb, you’ll assist from this location however required. Smith, you and Webb will handle any technical questions that may arise. This will be your top priority. Questions?”

  I glanced around the circle of faces. Kane wore his cop face. Jack looked as though everything was as expected, Spider’s mouth hung open, and Smith looked… Smith looked…

  I couldn’t interpret his expression. He didn’t look surprised. Nor unsurprised. There was nothing in his face to indicate any particular emotion, but his eyes looked vaguely…anxious. That was it. He looked anxious. I wondered why.

  “Um, what U.S. counterpart?” Spider stammered.

  Stemp offered him an abbreviated version of the briefing I’d received from Jack, and I did my best to look as bowled over as Spider, just in case I wasn’t supposed to know any of this.

  “What are we supposed to do when we get there?” I asked.

  “Their super-user has gone into a catatonic state which has persisted for several days. Dr. Kraus hopes you’ll be able to reach her inside a network simulation and persuade her back to reality. Kane will be travelling with you to keep you safe.”

  “But if she’s catatonic, why would she be in the network? And if she’s in the network, wouldn’t it make more sense to send a shrink in to talk to her? And couldn’t I just go into the network from here?”

  Stemp shrugged, and I detected a note of irritation in his even tone. “Those were exactly the questions I posed. Dr. Kraus was insistent. For the record, I opposed it strenuously, but I was overruled by political…”

  His deadpan façade vanished, leaving the expression of a man eyeing a fresh turd on his dinner plate. A bare instant later, his mask twitched up again and he continued emotionlessly, “…factors. Be that as it may, your primary responsibility is to stay safe and return as soon as possible. Any other questions?”

  Great. Fabulous. Sure, I’d love to spend a few days of quality time with a man who hates my guts and thinks I’m a lying spy. I swallowed my consternation.

  “Accommodations?” My voice came out only slightly strangled.

  “I’ll email you an itinerary of flights and accommodations. You’ll have a rental vehicle waiting for you in Macon.”

  I summoned up an impassive expression and nodde
d.

  “Very well. Dismissed. Ms. Widdenback, a word in my office, if you please.”

  He strode out. I suppressed a groan and dragged my sorry ass down the hall after him.

  “Close the door and have a seat,” he instructed as I trailed into his office.

  Shit. How bad was it going to be this time?

  I sank into the chair and watched him. He returned my gaze without speaking while I fought to keep my expression from betraying my anxiety.

  “Ms. Kelly,” he said finally.

  Not Ms. Widdenback. Hmmm.

  “I’m sending you on this trip entirely against my better judgement. Kane is authorized to do whatever is necessary to safeguard you, however, I want you to take an active role in protecting yourself, too.”

  He pushed a small canvas bag across the desk to me. “Your trip should take three days at the outside. This bag contains six disposable cellular phones. Each of them is programmed with a speed dial to a secured line. I expect you to check in minimum once daily. Use each phone once and then dispose of it however you please. The secure line won’t be accessible by that phone again. If you have nothing to report, a simple ‘all clear’ will suffice.”

  I opened the bag and took stock of the phones. Garden-variety disposable phones. “Okay.”

  “If I need to contact you, I’ll text your cell phone with the words, ‘Call home’. Use one of the phones to call in.”

  I nodded, and as I closed the bag, Stemp spoke again. “Carry your weapon at all times, including on the plane. I’ve made the necessary arrangements with airport security. When you arrive in security, proceed through the regular lineup as usual. When you reach the checkpoint, a security officer will inform you that you’ve been selected for a random physical search. When asked if you would prefer to have the search conducted in privacy, say yes. You’ll be escorted past the checkpoint. Customs, security, and aircrew have been informed that you and Kane will be travelling armed.”

  I kept my jaw from dangling with a supreme effort of will. While I sat fumbling for a response, he continued.