“I know,” he said sheepishly, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. “I’m sorry.” He even attempted a smile.
That was what really got me. That sad attempt at a smile. At the sight of it, what little anger I had evaporated into nothing, like steam off a griddle. It was one of those smiles that you see on someone and it hits you that you didn’t realize just how much their heart was breaking until you saw that smile. Until you saw them trying their damnedest to pretend their heart wasn’t breaking.
“That’s ok, boss,” I said, doing my best not to let on just how much hurt I’d seen on his face in that one instant. Which screamed against pretty much every instinct I had. But Daniel is nothing if not a proud man, and if he knew that I’d seen what he would consider to be weakness, it would only make it worse. So I held my tongue.
And he held his. He gazed back toward the house in silence as I waited. The silence stretched on for what was probably only a minute or two, but it seemed like an eternity. I shifted uncomfortably in my saddle. After another minute, I finally could take it anymore. I cleared my throat, and he turned toward me, whatever reverie he’d been lost in dissipated for the moment.
“You uh…you wanna talk about it, boss?” I ventured. For the moment, any feelings I had for him took a back seat. Right now all I wanted was to be his friend, to help. Just to give him someone to talk to.
He hesitated and for a second, it seemed like he was really considering it. But the moment passed.
“Nah,” he said, shaking his head. “Let’s call it a day, Alexander.”
That took me by surprise. I couldn’t remember the last time he’d decided to stop working so early in the day. Without waiting for a reply he turned his horse toward the house and the stables and headed in that direction at a walk. I followed in silence.
When we reached the stables, neither of us spoke as we brushed down the horses and put away our tack. I had decided the day I was hired that I would do everything I could to hide my attraction to him. Since that time I could almost wonder if maybe he felt... something. But just as often I pushed that thought away. Not a chance in hell was that likely. His hand brushed mine as we both reached to hang our harnesses at the same time and a tingle ran through me. I silently cursed myself for reacting like a virgin prom date and decided to get the hell out of there before making a complete ass out of myself.
“See you tomorrow, boss,” I said over my shoulder as I walked out of the stables. I made a beeline for my truck and headed home.
I shook my head as I watched Alexander hightail it to his truck like there was a damn fire and haul ass toward the highway. I swear, that kid acts so damned odd sometimes.
This day had been a lot to process. Ruth was in rare form this morning. Not that things are ever quite right in this house, not since Colton.
But she was worse today. She always is this time of year. The first couple years I tried to be there and hold her, and…I don’t know…help somehow. It only seems to make it worse. But I don’t know what else to do. So I guess I’ll keep trying again this year. With no small part of me did I wonder if Colton was maybe my fault. If maybe because of the stray thoughts I had, that I worked so hard to put behind me.
I miss my wife. She was beautiful and vibrant. And she still is beautiful, just as beautiful as she ever was. She still has her long dark hair, and piercing blue eyes. But her vibrancy is gone. That was what convinced me to ask her to marry me when it was all said and done. I was never attracted to her in the traditional sense, but I knew we had a connection. And I knew I had to try. But now, It feels like there’s a stranger with her face living in our house. . I want my wife back. Alexander asked me if I wanted to talk about it today, probably out of politeness. But damned if I didn’t want to talk about it. Not with him. Ruth would have my hide if she found out I was airing our dirty laundry. And if she found out the thoughts I'd been having, that I couldn't help but have? Hell, you might as well just strap in for Armageddon, because it’s coming.
Then again, maybe Alexander could give me a different perspective…
But no. Especially not after what had just happened.
Our hands brushed when we went to put up our harnesses. I didn’t think anything about that. But the way he blushed…I’m not sure what it was. It wasn't anything unusual, but his reaction... well, if I didn't know better I would have thought there was something there. Alexander always was a quiet kid, strong but an honest and steady worker. Never did see him run around with the girls the way the other farm hands did. It left me wondering what it would be like to touch someone the way I wanted to, and to have that touch returned.
I tried to push those thoughts out of my head. It was just loneliness talking, and I got over those tendencies a long time ago. I made my way back up to the house. Maybe Ruth had cooled off enough to talk by now. I hoped so.
I found her in the living room. She was curled up on the corner of the couch asleep. Her book had fallen to her lap. I had to smile. Seeing her like that, it was easy to believe that things were still the way they had been. Or at least that they could be again. I eased myself down next to her and let my hand rest on her shoulder, trying not to wake her.
It only lasted a few minutes. She began to stretch and then tensed as she felt my hand on her shoulder. She looked at it pointedly and then at me. I removed it reluctantly, and we sat in awkward silence for a few minutes.
“I was hopin’ we could talk,” I finally said to her.
“About?” she said icily, drawing herself up until she managed to somehow look imposing even with her legs curled up underneath her.
“This mornin’,” I said. “I feel like we left a few things unresolved and I just—“
“Don’t you have some work to do?” she snapped.
“Nothin’ that can’t wait ‘til tomorrow.” I tried to take her hand, but she pulled away. I hesitated before speaking again. “Ruth, I—“
“Oh, will you just go?” she shouted. “Go! Get out. Get the hell out of my sight!”
I hesitated another moment. I opened my mouth to speak again, but she was having none of it.
“Go!”
Well, that was that. I threw up my hands before getting up and heading for the front door without another word. Not that I could have gotten one in edgewise. My boots kicked up clouds of dust as I headed across the driveway digging my keys out of my pocket. I hopped into my brown Chevy truck and headed for Bobby’s Watering Hole.
It’s where I usually go when she gets like this. I can blow off some steam, and on the off chance she cools down and calls me I can usually find a ride back home. And in the much more likely event that she doesn’t cool down, the Star Motel is right across the street. I guess I could go home and sleep on the couch, but it just seems a little too cliché.
I made my way into Bobby’s and sat at the bar.
“Uh oh,” said Shelly. “Don’t usually see you in here this early. Everything ok?” she asked, handing me a Budweiser without me even having to order it.
Shelly is the bartender at Bobby’s most days. And nights for that matter. Sweet girl, has a husband who works up at the mills and two kids cute as buttons.
“Yeah,” I lied, even though she and I both know it isn’t or I wouldn’t be here. “How’s the family?”
“Good,” she said with a smile. “Johnny got promoted, Gracie lost a tooth, and Samuel starts kindergarten in a few weeks. Can’t complain.”
“Good to hear,” I told her, saluting with my beer bottle and taking a swig. She didn’t ask about Ruth because she knew damn well that’s why I was there.
She gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and went back to her work without a word, for which I was grateful. I didn’t really feel like talking about it now the way I’d wanted to talk about it earlier. Which was unfortunate for me, because just then Carl made his way up to the bar and sat down next to me. Don’t get me wrong, Carl is a great friend. Which, at the moment, was exactly what I wanted to avoid. He would know someth
ing was wrong and he wouldn’t leave until we had talked it out. Oh well.
“Hey, Carl,” I greeted him.
“Howdy,” he replied with a grin. “How ya been?”
“Oh, ya know,” I said.
The grin had already dropped from his face. Christ, he catches on quick.
“Uh oh,” he said. Then, raising his voice, “Hey, Shelly! Two more!” he shouted as he held up two fingers. He polished off his beer and lowered his voice again as he said, “Tell me what’s up, man.”
“Ah, it’s nothin’,” I said, still trying to weasel my way out of talking.
“Bullshit,” he said, crossing his arms. I sighed.
“Fine,” I told him. I know when I’m beat.
Shelly brought back two Budweisers and left us. Carl pushed one toward me and took one for himself before settling back and waiting for me to talk. I figured I might as well not put off the inevitable.
“It’s Ruth,” I told him.
To which he snorted and told me, “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Well I don’t know what ya expect me to tell ya,” I said, exasperated. “It’s Ruth. It’s always Ruth. What else do you want me to say?”
“Bad one, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said, feeling more defeated than I had in a long time. “Yeah, it was a big one.”
Carl nodded. “What’d y’all fight about?”
“Honestly?” I said, “I’m not even sure. I said I was gonna get to work and she lost it. Threw the coffee pot at me.” I tried to laugh, but it sounded weak even to me.
“You think maybe she was jealous of you goin’ out on the ranch so much? ” he said as he elbowed me.
I actually did laugh at that.
“Hey, just askin’,” he said jokingly, holding his hands up. “Some women might take exception to a man spending so much time out on the range with no other company but that ranch kid you hired. . It makes no difference to me, but it's clear to me and just about everyone, that that Alex-kid is different. Ruth think you have your reasons, if you know what I mean.”
“Carl, Alexander can work circles around you and half the men I’ve hired. He's one of the best ranch hands, I've got. And besides that, it was Ruth’s idea to hire him to begin with. So can it.”
“Alright, man,” he said. “Alright.”
We sat in silence sipping our beers for a few minutes. I couldn't help but wonder that he had stumbled that close to the truth. I thought maybe he was actually going to drop it when he spoke up again.
“This have anything to do with Colton?” he asked.
My jaw tensed up as I fought the urge to clock him right in the jaw. He didn’t deserve that. He was just a concerned friend trying to help. And what’s more, he was probably right. Even so, it still took me a couple minutes to cool down. And God bless him, he gave me those couple minutes to cool down, without pushing the issue.
“Yeah,” I finally said. “I think it probably does.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder for a moment before speaking.
“Danny,” he finally said. “It is a terrible thing to lose a baby. It is even worse when that baby is stillborn.” I had to fight back tears as he spoke. “But you can’t spend the rest of your life grieving,” he continued. “You gotta let go. How long has it been?”
I didn’t reply.
“Daniel. How long has it been?”
“Three years,” I replied. My voice was a hell of a lot raspier than I would have liked. “Three years this September.”
He nodded. He knew that already, of course. He had just wanted me to say it.
“Danny, three years is long enough to grieve. Y’all need to move on, live your lives.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I know.”
“Have y’all thought about..I dunno…tryin’ again?”
I snorted at that. “Carl, she ain’t let me touch her in three years.”
“Ah. Right. Ok.”
We drank the rest of our beers in silence.
Chapter Two
I arrived to work a little early, and decided to go on up to the stables. It was still predawn, no light in the sky. Normally I don’t get here this early. There’s a good bit of construction on the highway and it usually takes me a good hour to hour and a half longer to get here. Might as well get Winchester saddled. I could go and check on the cattle in the back forty and maybe get some of yesterday’s work done while I was at it, as long as I could find a lantern or a flashlight to light my way.
And that was exactly what I was trying to do when I tripped. I wasn’t prepared for it and I went down hard. I resisted the urge to cry out as the ground bit sharply into my knees, and more sharply into my unprotected palms.
“Alexander?” a voice slurred from the darkness.
“Ahhggh, Jesus! What the…Daniel?” I said, flabbergasted.
“I think you kicked me,” he slurred.
“Kicked you, my ass,” I said under my breath. “I tripped over you,” I said a little more loudly. “What the hell are you doing out here?”
“Oh yeah,” he said, giggling. “I am out here.”
“Christ almighty,” I mumbled to myself, as I got up and made my way toward him.
“Here,” I said. “Let me help you.” I knelt down beside his dark form, but I still couldn’t see well enough to tell where I should even try to grab to help him up. “Actually, you know what? Hold on.”
I got up and began searching for a lantern. I found one not far from us, managed to light it, and made my way back to him. I knelt beside him again. He seemed to be…asleep.
“Hey,” I said, shaking his shoulder. “Hey.”
“Oh, hey,” he said blearily, opening his eyes. “I dreamed you kicked me.”
I stared at him as he broke out into a grin. “Right…”
“Ok, well,” he said with a shrug, still grinning, “Let’s get Winchester and Jasper saddled up.”
“Yeah, no,” I said. “You need to go to bed.”
“Oh. Oh, but…Ruth has the bed. I can’t take the bed. Ruth has it. Ruth has the bed. Can’t take it,” he said, shaking his head vigorously.
“Right…well, you still need to lay down. Let’s get you to the house.”
I managed to somehow get him hauled up and get my shoulder under his arm.
“Come on,” I said, hauling toward the doors of the stable.
“Wait,” he said. “Wait, wait. I needed to tell you something.”
“It can wait,” I said, trying to pull him closer to the doors.
“No,” he said, as he pulled away from me. “It can’t wait.”
I was afraid that he was going to fall, but instead he stumbled to a post and leaned against it.
“Come here,” he said. “Please.”
I walked over to him and waited, not sure what to expect. And then he wrapped me in his arms. Pretty much the last thing I would have expected. Our shoulders met up and he felt like a rock wall against me. If it hadn't been so damn awkward it would have felt like the most natural thing I the world. He held me for a long moment before whispering, “Alexander…I need you.”
I remained still, unsure of what to say or do. After a brief moment, he pulled away, and I thought that he was done. Until he grasped my face in his hands and kissed me right on the mouth. And I couldn’t help but to kiss him back with abandon. It was over all too soon.
“I just needed you to know that,” he said, pulling away. “There's no point in pretending anymore.” He tried to walk off toward the house, but he kept stumbling and almost falling.
“Here,” I said, putting my shoulder back under his arm. “Let me help.”
I helped him up the front steps. Thankfully, the door was unlocked. I didn’t know where his keys were, but my guess was that they were probably with his truck. More than likely he had left it at the bar and gotten a ride home.
I helped him inside, laid him on the couch, took off his boots, and covered him with an afghan that was lying across the back of the couch. Then I let
myself out and saddled up Winchester. I still had a job to do.
Once I’d fed the cattle on the back forty, I rode around the perimeter looking for places where the fence needed mending. Not all of the perimeter, mind you. That would have taken days on horseback. But I did as much as I could before the sun started to set. I did not allow myself to think about the events of the morning.
When I made it back to the stable, no one was around. Daniel’s pickup wasn’t in the drive. Either he hadn’t gotten it back yet, or he’d gone out again. I decided it was none of my business. I hopped in my truck and headed home.
When I got to my house, I hung my keys by the door and headed to the bathroom to start a shower. Lord knows I needed it after the day's work. Plus, I needed to unwind. I left it running to warm ups while I went to the kitchen and grabbed myself a beer. I set it on the counter next to the shower as I pulled off my boots, undressed, and raked my fingers through my hair, feeling the grim. It’s naturally red, which makes me even more of a target to some, but most days I keep it under my hat. I've had people tell me they like it, but I just think it’s a pain in the ass.
I climbed into shower and leaned forward into the welcoming warm water. I savored it as I scrubbed away the day’s dirt from my skin. But the one thing I couldn’t scrub away was the feeling of his kiss. I touched my fingers to my lips and closed my eyes.
Chapter Three
The next few months at work felt like something from the twilight zone. I don’t know if he didn’t remember what had happened that day, or if he pretended not to, but neither of us mentioned it. There were times I could swear I felt his eyes on me, but when I looked he would be absorbed in something else entirely. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. I was torn.
I didn’t know what he and Ruth fought about, but I knew that he loved her and I knew that whatever it was, it broke his heart. So in that way, I was glad that he ignored anything that there might be between us. I wished that they could work out whatever it was and be happy.
But on the other hand, there was a part of me that longed for him to acknowledge it, just once. For him to take me in his arms again, kiss me again…or at the very least admit that he once had. I knew that part of me was selfish, and I told it to shut up every time it came around. But I still couldn’t help feeling that way. I decided that I had to keep it to myself, no matter what.
Roommates Page 38
