And for those few months, life went on, more or less, as always.
It was in January that everything changed. We had to go out to the north perimeter to mend the fence. Daniel had just bought a new four-wheeler back in November, so there was no point in dragging the horses out all that way in the cold. We made it up there fine, but the snowstorm hit when we were halfway through with mending the fence. We finished as quickly as we could and headed back to the four-wheeler. My heart sank as I listened to it cough and sputter as Daniel tried to start it. I held my breath as he tried it again and again. But it still didn’t start. Daniel swore as he stood and kicked one of the tires.
There was no way we could hike all the way back to the house. We’d more than likely freeze before we even made it close. I could already feel the bite of the cold growing sharper through my clothes and gloves. I rubbed my hands together in a futile effort to generate warmth while Daniel continued to swear under his breath. Finally he managed to compose himself with what I could tell was a great deal of effort.
“Come on,” he said, as he trudged away from the fence and toward the woods that dominated the northern side of the property. “We’ll have to head for the cabin.”
I struggled to keep up as I tried to figure out what he was talking about. After a moment it came to me. He’d shown me the place when I had first come to work here, but truth be told, I had forgotten it existed. I didn’t think I’d ever been back there since that first tour of the property. It was a dump of place, and I’m pretty sure it only managed to remain standing out of sheer stubbornness. But as they say, any port in a storm. It beat the hell out of freezing to death.
We trudged through the snow wordlessly for a while before I finally asked, “How much farther?”
“I dunno,” he panted, his breath coming out in a white plume. “Maybe a mile. It’s hard to say.”
“Damn,” I said. Neither of us said another word as we continued to make our way through the storm.
Finally, after several minutes, I could make out the outline of the cabin through the snow.
“About damn time,” I said, my teeth clicking together.
“You said it,” he replied. His teeth were chattering just as badly as mine were.
As soon as we had shut the door against the storm Daniel went to work coaxing a fire to life in the fireplace. I took stock of the place as he went about his work. It was in even worse repair than I remembered. But it was still standing and that was all that mattered. I still couldn’t stop shivering. The inside of the cabin was just as brutally cold as the storm outside.
On the bright side, Daniel had finally gotten the fire built up into a healthy blaze.
“Here, come here,” he said. He had dragged what appeared to be every blanket in the place in front of the fire and he had them all draped across his shoulders as he held one side of the blankets open, inviting me in. I hesitated. I knew I needed the warmth, but…
He seemed to sense my hesitation and lowered his arm, turning with an uncomfortable gaze into the fire. He looked almost hurt, but I told myself that was stupid. And I was being stupid, I realized. I needed the warmth. We both did. Not a damn thing wrong with trying to survive. I stripped off my coat, boots, and gloves as he had done and nestled my way under the blanket with him.
I don’t know what I expected. Maybe that my feelings for him would have the decency to put themselves on hold, given our situation. Well, let me tell you, that is not what happened. The minute his arm was around me, it seemed like I was feeling about a thousand things at once. But for the first time in months I wasn’t the least bit conflicted. I wanted him to wrap his arms around me and kiss the hell out of me, and I wanted him to do it now.
What I wouldn’t have given to be able to know what he was thinking right then. His arm tightened around me just the slightest bit and I tensed. I couldn’t take much more of this. I tilted my head back to look at him and found him staring at me intently and my breath caught in my throat. We locked eyes and suddenly not a single place in me felt even the slightest bit cold.
I’m not even sure who kissed who. I just know that in an instant my lips were pressed against his and everything else was instantly a thousand miles away. Nothing else mattered. The kiss lasted forever, and it still wasn’t long enough. I was trembling by the time he pulled away, and it didn’t have a damn thing to do with the cold.
His eyes were almost feverish. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but said nothing. Instead he kissed me again, wrapping his fingers around the back of my neck as he did. And I kissed him back for everything I was worth. My fingers seemed to work of their own accord, undoing the buttons of his shirt.
His fingers were clearly not as patient as mine. Buttons popped off and skittered across the room as he ripped my shirt open exposing our bare chests to the slowly warming air. I took it the rest of the way off and tossed it aside. . He flung his own shirt carelessly aside .
He pulled me down on the floor, lying me beneath him on the pallet of blankets. With unleashed abandon he kissed my chest and stomach, tracing circles around my nipples one at a time.
. I couldn’t help the little moan that escaped me. And I couldn’t ignore the effect it had had on him. Suddenly I could feel the hardness of him through his jeans. The thought of it sent waves of heat coursing through me.
I fumbled with the button of his jeans as he did the same with mine. Before I knew it, we were both completely naked. He stopped for a moment, his arms around my shoulders, the length of him resting against the inside of my thigh. My own hardness have me away trapped between us, thick and aching for release. He looked into my eyes for a long moment, as if asking some unspoken question. The flames played across his face and in that moment I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I was his. I knew I would never love anyone else the way that I loved him.
Whatever it was that he saw in my eyes, it seemed to satisfy him. He kissed me again, more gently this time, before he turned me over onto my stomach. He took his time as he pushed inside me. Slowly at first, rhythmically. I could not help but wince at the pain, biting down on the musty blanket. I endured it. Oh god, I endured it as it was the greatest pleasure I had ever felt. Finally our rhythm caught and he began gaining speed with every passing minute. I could feel his pressure building in me with each thrust. Not a bad pressure. It was something of light and heat and passion.
I felt him throbbing inside me as he reached climax, and my body welcomed it. Every part of it. His thrusts slowed, and he laid down beside me his arm draped across my shoulders. . He kissed me again and it was salty with our sweat Hesighed contentedly as he rolled onto his side, pulling me closer into his arms. Sleep crept up on me.
As if in a dream I heard him whisper, “I really do need you, Alexander.” He tucked a stray lock of my hair behind my ear and I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
Chapter Four
It was two more days before we were able to leave the cabin. Luckily there were enough canned goods there to feed an army through the apocalypse. They tasted terrible, the mattress could have passed as a medieval torture device…and it was the happiest damn two days of my life. For those two days, the rest of the world did not exist for us. We spent them wrapped up in each other, both literally and physically by turns.
But all good things must end. On the third day there was a knock at the door. It was Sheriff Graff. Apparently Ruth had called them to come out looking for us when we didn’t come back. And just like that, I was back to feeling conflicted. Except now I felt conflicted and I felt like a homewrecker. As soon as the sheriff opened the door I felt like he was judging us. It probably wasn’t entirely imagined, either. We were both shirtless and the cabin no longer smelled of stale blankets at any rate.
It was almost a relief to get my coat back on, since the buttons of my shirt were no longer usefull. . As we rode back down with the sheriff I couldn’t help but wonder why it had taken Ruth two days to finally call the sheriff. When we got back to the house
I asked Daniel about it. It seemed to bother him when I mentioned her. Not that I could blame him. Hell, it bothered me. It was like the two of us talking about her made what we had done worse somehow. A lot worse.
He said that they’d fought just before we’d left, and that it wasn’t that unusual for her to kick him out for days at a time after a fight. I felt a cold worse than any storm take root in me as he told me that. So, I was what exactly? His way to blow off steam when he and the wife fought? I felt dirty.
“I see,” I said. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. He must have noticed because he reached for my hand.
“Alexander?”
“Don’t. Please,” I said, yanking my hand away.
“Alexander, what--?”
“I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Boss.”
It was all I could do to keep it together as I walked to my truck and drove toward the highway. But as soon as I was out of sight of the house anger came, heat flushing across my cheeks. I don’t know what I had expected. That’s just what I get for sleeping with a married man.
I started a shower when I got home, but I found again that I couldn’t wash away his touch. And a large part of me didn’t want to. I missed him even as I cursed myself for missing him.
Chapter Five
I feel like an ass. Alexander stormed out like hell’s fury. At first I didn’t know why, but I think I’ve figured it out. I feel like such an ass. I keep replaying that conversation in my head, and I can see how it must have sounded . Right now he's probably thinking that I used him. That what happened between us was just because me and Ruth fought again.
And that’s just not true. I love him. It took me damned long enough to realize it, to realize this about myself, but I love him. The damnedest part is that I still love my wife too. But I need to accept that she’s gone. The woman I’m married to hasn’t been my wife for a very long time. Not my Ruth. She’s long gone.
But Alexander is here, and he's real. He's what I want and who I want and he loves me back. And he is pissed. I don’t blame him a bit.
I had to really gather myself up to go to work that next day. I really didn’t want to. And I decided that I probably wouldn’t keep doing it. I could get a couple of days off the next week and look for something else. Then I’d never have to see his damned face again. I’d stopped the night before and picked up supplies from the pharmacy, so no worries there.
When I pulled up next to the house I had to make myself get out of the truck and go to the stables. Daniel was already there. Of course. I gave him my iciest stare and went to saddle Winchester. He grimaced, but didn’t try to talk to me as he went to saddle Jasper. Coward…
We went through the day’s work without speaking. Not that he didn’t try. But whenever he tried to speak to me, I rode in the opposite direction. After we had stabled the horses I thought I had managed to avoid any conversation.
I was wrong.
He grabbed my hand as I was about to leave the stables. I tried to pull away, annoyed. But he had a hell of a grip.
“Alexander, wait. Please.”
“Why should I?” I snapped. Even as I said it, I felt bad about it. No matter what he’d done, I still didn’t want to hurt him.
“It’s not what you think, Alexander.”
“Oh?” I said. “What is it then?”
He seemed at a loss for words for a moment. But then he said, “This.”
And he kissed me. And let me tell you, it was a hell of a compelling argument. It took me a minute to get my head on straight again, but I did.
“And what the hell exactly is that supposed to mean?” I asked him. I could see him visibly sag under the weight of the question.
“It means that I love you,” he choked out after a moment.
It knocked the wind clean out of me.
“What?” I whispered.
“I said that I love you, Alexander Schmidt. I love you.”
I blinked back tears. It was the first time he had ever called me by my full name.
“Damn it, Daniel. Damn it. I love you too. But what the hell am I supposed to do with that? What do I do with that when your wife is in the house no more than two hundred feet from us? I don’t want to be a God damned homewrecker. I don’t know what I was thinking before. But I don’t want to be a homewrecker.”
He made no reply except to look utterly dejected.
“I gotta go,” I said, throwing my hands up. “I’m taking next Thursday and Friday off.”
He didn’t argue with me.
I jumped in my truck, put it in gear, and hightailed it for home. The hell with this day.
Chapter Six
I watched as Alexander’s truck went out of sight. I was completely at a loss. I’d thought that if he understood that what had happened between us was real, that I really did love him, it would make everything ok again. But it hadn’t. And thinking about it, I saw why. And I wanted to kick myself for being so stupid.
He didn’t know, had no way of knowing, that things between Ruth and I were over, had been over for years if it had ever, in fact, begun. We should have divorced years ago. God only knows why we didn’t.
As far as Alexander knew, he was only coming between two people who had problems, but ultimately loved each other and wanted to be together. That maybe I was just looking for some strange on the side, as they say. He had no idea I've been wrestling with this my whole life. How could he know that?
God damn it.
I didn’t even stop at the house. No point in stopping for an inevitable fight. Not when I needed a beer so bad. I headed straight for Bobby’s.
“Budweiser,” I said when I got to the bar.
“You got it,” Shelly said. I could tell she wanted to ask more, but she refrained. Good girl.
I was a bit surprised when she brought a pitcher and a mug instead of a bottle.
“Looked like you could use it,” she said in response to my raised eyebrow.
“Eh. Fair enough,” I said. I took the pitcher and the mug and set up camp at a table in the corner. I don’t know why I was surprised when Carl showed up. He’s here damn near every night.
“Uh oh hombre,” he said as he approached my table. “What’s going on?”
I decided to spare both of us the whole ‘oh, nothin’ man’ routine.
“I wanna divorce Ruth,” I said, looking him in the eyes.
“Oh,” he said. Must’ve taken him a second to process. “Oh. Damn. What…why?”
I snorted a laugh at that. “Really?” I had no intention of telling him the real reason.
“Yeah,” he said, after a pause. “Guess it makes sense.”
We sat without talking for a few minutes, drinking beer. Carl was the one to finally break the silence.
“Sooo…what about the ranch?”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” I told him.
“Yeah…you could lose everything.”
“Yeah, I’m aware,” I said wryly.
“Daniel, I think you need to work it out with Ruth. I dunno what ‘it’ is exactly. But whatever ‘it’ is, you need to work it out. You could lose it all.”
“Yeah,” I said reluctantly. “You’re right.”
And he was right. I could lose everything. No, I was going to lose everything.
Chapter Seven
I had just finished my bath and pulled on my jeans, but passed on the shirt when I heard a knock at the door. Which was odd, considering the hour. There was a second knock as I made my way down the hall.
“Comin’,” I said. “Hang on.”
I undid the deadbolt and the chain and opened the door. I almost wished I hadn’t. Almost. But there was still that part of me that was elated to see Daniel on the other side of the door. I kicked myself for being happy to see him and tried to remind myself that I was mad at him.
“Can I come in?” he asked after a long moment.
“Yeah,” I answered. I barely managed more than a
whisper. Damn it, why couldn’t I just send him away? I knew the answer to that, of course. I didn’t want to send him away. We stood in silence in the hallway for a long moment after I let him in and shut the door.
“I meant what I said, you know.”
I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. It took everything I had to stand there facing him. He stepped closer and gently touched the side of my face.
“Alexander, I love you.”
I didn’t have it in me to turn him away again. “I love you too,” I whispered.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed myself up against him as he kissed me. I knew I’d probably hate myself tomorrow. But right now I just didn’t care. It was worth it to feel his touch again.
A shiver went through me as his hands caressed my shoulders, tracing the contours of my bare torso. . I looked into his eyes as I unbuckled his belt . The hunger in his eyes sent heat coursing through me. A big part of me wanted to let him take me right there in the hallway, but I led him to the bedroom instead.
It didn’t take him long to leave his clothes in a pile at the foot of my bed. I trembled with anticipation as I laid back on the bed. He took his time, taking me into his mouth and working his lips around my shaft until I was about ready to explode. Then he stopped and raised up, face to face with me and kissed me long and hard . His hand lingered around my cock, stroking the flesh still moist from his mouth. He pried open my lips with his tongue, dancing his together with mine and I climaxed instantly. .
Warmth washed through every part of me as he continued to caress me coaxing me back to hardness. I climaxed three more times before he was done. He lay beside me after he finished and then he kissed me for a long moment.
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