We shared a quick peck and returned to the carriage to continue our journey.
Chapter 4
Vivien
I had never cleaned the mess of breakfast so quickly. I had not realized that the viscount and viscountess would be leaving for the castle, so the work day was a light load. They left before lunch and would not be returning for dinner. When I was done cleaning, the kitchen would close for the day.
If I could avoid bumping into Mother, I believed I could make my way to a distant doctor and back by evening.
All I had left to do was scrub the floors. While I was making good progress, I lost time hiding each time I heard footsteps, trying to avoid my mother. It was only her once.
“Well, she is moving much faster today,” Evangeline had said.
That had been nearly half an hour ago, so she would be back to check on me again soon. I hurried to finish and went to the stables. I was able to pay one of the stable boys to lend me a horse for the afternoon. No one would notice unless I did not have it back by nightfall.
I had taken a little bread from the kitchen and some water. All I needed now was to reach the next town and a discreet physician.
The ride was bumpy, but I arrived in one piece. As I reached the edge of town a few women were carrying crops back in baskets. I slowed the horse to a stop near them.
“Can we help you?” asked the shorter, rounder, and bustier of the two.
“That is my hope. I need to find a physician here. One who is willing to be paid for silence if a situation calls for it,” I said.
The two women looked at each other. Then the taller and thinner of the two stepped closer to me and the horse.
“There is someone here you can see. If you continue on this road and make a left when you reach the market you will reach a physician after only a few businesses. If you have a matter that needs to stay private, tell him you’ve ‘come to see about a tonic for an ailing relative who has been sick.’ When he asks ‘how long’ tell him how long you think you may have had your problem,” she said.
“Thank you, ladies, that is most helpful,” I said.
I continued the ride at a walking pace. When I reached the market, I turned left. I had not gone very far after turning before seeing a man come out of a business with an elderly woman holding a bottle.
“And you say I just need to have a spoonful three times a day?” the old woman was asking.
“Yes, you should start to see improvement in a day or so, but continue the remedy until the bottle is gone for lasting effect,” the man said.
He gave her a small wave and before he could return inside his business I called to him.
“Sir, are you the physician?” I asked.
“Yes. Do you require treatment for some ailment?” he asked.
“Yes, I have an ailing relative who has been sick for some time,” I replied as instructed.
“How long would you say the trouble has persisted,” he asked, stepping closer and lowering his voice.
I got off the horse and tied it just in front of his door. Then I leaned in close, speaking just barely above a whisper.
“Five, maybe six weeks,” I said.
“I see. Let’s step inside,” he said, placing one hand behind me without actually touching me.
He guided me into his shop and closed the door, which had been left open by the previous client, behind us.
“So, you have missed one menstruation? Worth noting, but not necessarily cause for alarm. You could be late or otherwise delayed without being pregnant,” he said.
I nodded, but my face showed this was not enough to calm my concerns.
“Well I could examine you, but a few questions are usually enough to determine what is going on. Have you had any sickness? Do you feel nauseated or have you been vomiting?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Are you experiencing fatigue?” he continued.
“I’m tired all the time. Mother says my work has slowed and that I am getting chubbier. It is true, I have gained some weight. I can see it in my reflection that my face and buttocks are more round and my breasts seem to be plumper,” I said.
“What about smell?” he asked.
“Smell?” I repeated.
“Yes, most women note a heightened sense of smell,” he replied.
I thought for a moment. Part of the reason chores had been taking longer is that aside from feeling tired, certain foods in the kitchen seemed so pungent to now. I often couldn’t wash more than a few dishes at a time without feeling I needed a breath of fresh air.
“Oh, dear,” I said.
“So, you just needed to confirm what you already knew,” the old doctor said kindly. “No charge unless there is something else you need.”
“Not at the moment, however, if I needed to come back…” I said.
“Yes,” he said, raising an eyebrow.
“If I spoke to the father and needed to make a decision about the baby…” I let the rest of the question trail off.
I couldn’t dare say it out loud. The idea of losing the child of the man I loved, regardless of our circumstance, was simply too much.
The doctor nodded in understanding.
“If you need to be seen again for this matter, the fee would be modest. I find that women coming back for certain services have enough on their plate without me burdening them financially,” he said.
“Thank you. I suppose that is the best consolation should steps have to be taken,” I said with a small, polite smile and nod.
“Keep in mind, if you need to see me again, there are some risks for you. I will do everything in my care for a smooth procedure, but sometimes things happen,” the old doctor said.
I thought on these last words for a moment. I had heard horror stories.
“Understood,” I said.
I excused myself and began the ride back to the Apogees. I had more time than expected before dark, but rode swiftly anyway. I wanted to get back home before my mother. I needed time to think, and possibly cry in peace.
Chapter 5
Ferdinand
Rosalind and I arrived at the castle midafternoon and were welcomed by the king and queen briefly before they began their own preparations for the evening’s events. First there were political matters to discuss. Then there would be musical entertainment. Finally there would be dinner. At a certain point guests would be able to dance or continue to dine, or enjoy whatever other activities they chose to engage in.
The discussion was fairly light. When the king and queen returned, everyone moved to the great hall. Our talk centered on border lines and expected final crops before the first winter freeze set in. The borders in question were only a concern because a widowed duke had now passed and his sons saw issues with the dispersion of the land according to their father’s wishes. That was settled by the king. The crops had been plentiful and all stores were full, giving cause to celebrate. Court adjourned; we all retired to the dining hall.
“Well, that was relatively painless. Sadly, we cannot return home now and spare ourselves the conversations of the rest of the evening,” I said.
“Darling, sometimes important things are said at court. Please be patient. Mingle a little,” Rosalind replied.
I tried not to give her an exasperated look.
“Think of your people, your duty,” she said.
“Very well. I shall need wine.”
“And you shall have it,” said Rosalind.
She caught the eye of a steward and waved him over.
“Keep my husband’s glass full and you shall be given something for your pocket for your service,” she said calmly in low tones.
“Of course,” the boy said excitedly.
Then he rushed to bring wine to me. I took a large first sip, then sighed. I felt more composed and less irritated.
“You are absolutely right, dearest. I guess my head is just not in it lately. I shall try to be more pleasant as we dine,” I said.
I was.
I was courteous to every earl, baron, count, countess, viscount, or anyone else who spoke to me. As a kindness to my wife, I struck up a conversation with Marquis de Beban Lord Maxwell. Then I called for her.
“Rosalind, dearest, the marquis was just telling me about prominent women in other countries he has visited. You would love to hear about them. Some sound quite remarkable,” I said.
“Really, that sounds fascinating. Tell me about these brave pioneers of my gender,” she said.
Lord Maxwell’s smile was brighter momentarily, then he blushed and cleared his throat.
“Well, I have been back and forth to the Americas recently, particularly the United States. There are a lot of women there doing interesting things,” he said.
His voice was much softer than when he was only speaking to me. His attention also seemed only directed at the duchess as well.
“Yes, I was sad to hear of that trail-blazing native woman passing a few years ago. What was her name?” Rosalind asked.
“Sacagawea,” I said.
“Yes, she was phenomenal,” said Lord Maxwell excitedly. “Have you heard about Abigail Adams? She is quite the women’s rights activist. I expect the next several years there to be quite interesting. There are even a couple of women who are rumored to have manned guns in the American Revolutionary War. Have you heard of Molly Pitcher or Deborah Sampson?”
“I have not, but I think I should like to,” Rosalind said.
My wife was so enthralled in this new conversation that she did not notice me slipping away. I wanted to observe the two together from a distance.
Lord Maxwell’s interest, but well-mannered restraint, were abundantly clear. To anyone but me, my wife probably appeared a dutiful spouse enjoying dignitary conversation. I, however, knew her too well. I could tell she reciprocated the marquis’ feelings, and had chosen not to act on her interests either.
Normally she laughed openly and spoke with a lot of gestures and changing body language. I could see the workings of her mind as she concentrated on keeping her hands lightly folded before her. I could tell when she stifled her usual laugh, opting instead for a soft chuckle or to hide her smile behind her hand, looking away, seeing if anyone else watched her and learned her secret.
As we rode home in the night, I decided to broach the subject once more.
“You cannot tell me you have no feelings for Lord Maxwell,” I said.
Even in the moonlight that peeked through the window of the carriage, I could tell she was blushing, though she remained silent.
“Dearest, we have always been honest with each other,” I said.
Rosalind lowered her head. I thought I heard her sniff slightly. Then I saw her touch her handkerchief to her cheek.
“You are crying. Why?” I asked, shifting in the moving carriage to be closer to her.
“You are more right than even you know,” she said.
“Please tell me. We have no secrets,” I urged again.
She let out a heavy sigh. Then she looked me in the eyes.
“I love you, but I think I have fallen in love with him, even though we have spent no time together as a man would with a woman,” she said with a hesitant smile.
Chapter 6
Vivien
When I returned home, Mother was already there.
“Where was it I saw you riding off to?” she asked.
I couldn’t lie. She would see right through me. I couldn’t tell the truth either.
“Fine, I can tell from your silence you don’t want to tell me, so I will just tell you that I already know,” she said.
“You do?” I asked.
My voice sounded nowhere near as strong as I wished it did.
“I do. You were out somewhere sleeping around. That is why you are so tired all the time and plump now,” she said, scowling.
“I was not out sleeping with anyone,” I said.
“So, you deny that you are pregnant? Please, dear, a mother can always tell,” she said.
I’d had enough. I was tired of living in fear of her, especially when I was going to have someone who was truly my own to live for.
“No, Mother. I do not deny that I am pregnant. I am, and the baby’s father is someone important, someone who cares about me, who would probably see to it that we are all taken care of,” I yelled.
“Well, then we shall go and inform him of the good news,” she said sarcastically.
“No, we will not. I will tell him alone, and I will raise this child alone. I love him enough to not want to risk besmirching his reputation with a bastard,” I said firmly.
“A bastard? So this is someone who can take care of us but who you cannot wed? What did you do, sleep with a noble?” she asked with a laugh.
When I sat down without replying, she began wildly trying to fill in the blanks for herself.
“You did. Of course, someone who can support one family is a challenge, but to have a kept woman and a bastard. Only a noble could provide so well, if he will at all,” she said, sounding more and more self-righteous.
Then suddenly she was quiet. A look of fear washed over her.
“Tell me you did not sleep with Viscount Apogee,” she demanded.
“I did not,” I replied.
“Well, at least it is not our employer,” she said.
“I can’t do this,” I said.
I rushed out of the house and ran. I ran all the way to the abandoned shepherd house that Ferdinand and I would meet at. When I got there, I slammed the door behind me. Then I crumpled to the floor beside the door and cried until I fell asleep.
The next morning, I woke with the sun but did not go anywhere. Ferdinand and I met here every other day after lunch. I knew he would arrive in due time, so I waited.
When he walked in, I was certain I looked a mess. I ran to his arms and began crying all over again. He only held me tightly and let me sob until I could speak.
“Darling, tell me what is the matter. I will fix any problem you have, my love,” he said.
“I don’t know that you can fix this one,” I replied.
He smoothed my hair and waited for me to continue. He had never had a temper with me before, but I stepped away from him anyway before delivering the news.
“Ferdinand, I am pregnant. I have been with no one else. I have seen a doctor. I will do whatever you think is best,” I said.
He looked at me, then my abdomen, and then me again. I don’t know what I expected, but it surely wasn’t what happened next.
He kissed me.
Chapter 7
Ferdinand
When I arrived at the shepherd house this morning, the last thing I expected was to hear that I would be a father. Rosalind and I tried diligently when we were first married; it was our duty. When we were unsuccessful, I assumed that one or both of us was unable to have children. She was a very healthy woman, always had been, but I had been sickly as a child. Naturally, I assumed I was the cause.
When Vivien told me her news I was awash with excitement. I kissed every part of her I could get my lips on. I kissed her mouth, cheeks, forehead, and stomach. I kneeled before her and wrapped my arms around the vessel that was home to my seed. The idea stirred a love in me I had not yet known for both her and the baby.
When I stood to look at her, I had no doubt.
“You glow,” I said, lifting her chin so she would look me in the eye.
“Ferdi, I’m afraid,” she said softly.
“There is nothing to fear,” I said, and kissed her once more.
My affections could not stop there. I kissed her lips, then her neck, then the flesh of her bosom at the low neckline of her dress. She sniffled, but put her fingers in my hair.
I needed to have her.
I lowered once more to my knees and lifted her skirts over my head. I kissed her tenderly, then more deeply between her legs. She gave a soft sob, and then a moan as she sank into my arms. I moved with her to continue pleasuring her. I wanted her taste to linger on my tongue t
he way she had been lingering on my mind.
After some time, she began to wiggle and spasm. I knew she was pleased, but I still needed more of her.
I wiped my mouth off and kissed her again. This time she kissed me back more deeply. In this moment she was not afraid anymore. She was a woman bearing the child of the man she loved. I laid her back gently on a patch of grass that had sprouted in the unkempt dwelling we had borrowed. Then, I eased into her gently.
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you, too,” I said.
Back and forth, back and forth, my cock slid into her. She was already covering us both in her own wetness, ready to release again, but I stayed slow and steady. I didn’t want to push too deep or too hard, but it took every bit of restraint I had in my body to not ravish her entirely.
There was no use. This woman ignited everything primal in me. With her I never had need for title, pomp, and circumstance. I just had need to be a man being with a woman. She was never a peasant with me either. She was a woman with a man she desired and loved, fully.
When she could not bear the teasing of our lovemaking, she took matters into her own hands.
“I am pregnant, but not broken,” she said softly, “If we are doing this, I want you fully. I will always want you, all of you, with no holding back.”
Her words and her voice were enough to send the passion boiling in me at that moment bubbling to the top. We both rocked harder, taking longer strokes. Again and again my body crashed into hers until we were both covered in a variety of our own bodily fluids.
We lay together after discussing what could be done. I had ideas, but I knew all of them would draw attention and leave one or both of our names in ruin.
“We have to talk to Rosalind,” I said.
“Your wife?” she asked hesitantly.
“Yes. She will know what to do.”
Chapter 8
Vivien
We shared Ferdinand’s horse and rode back to his home under cover of nightfall. Apparently, that was not enough.
When we arrived, a servant was already waiting.
“The duchess requests both your presence at the dinner table. Word has already been sent of your arrival. I have been asked to help your friend clean up and dress,” the servant said.
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