Despair: Book Two of the Negative Ion Series

by Ryanne Anthony

  “When we come together again,” he murmured at my ear, slowly going all the way in and back out, teasing me, awakening everything inside me again. “I’m going to want you again, and you’re going to want me, too. You know… to help you with your problem.”

  “I can’t keep doing this, Greg,” I whispered, closing my eyes. “We shouldn’t even be doing this now. If Eddie finds out—”

  “He’ll only find out if you tell him. Only you and I know about this.”

  I groaned, wishing this could happen. I’d done it before… sort of.

  “It’s just sex then?”

  His rhythm picked up a little. “Sex. We’re fuck buddies. We won’t tell anyone. No one will ever know but us. You need sex, call me. Or send me a message. We’ll meet up somewhere, I’ll fuck you and you’ll fuck me. I’ll lick you and you’ll suck me.”

  ‘Yes,’ I thought. ‘I could do that. I’ve done that. He was going to give me what Eddie couldn’t. I loved Eddie… I love Eddie…and I don’t want him hurt, but I have needs that Eddie cannot meet.’

  Greg moved me to the edge of the sink and I wrapped my legs around him. “Will you fuck other women, too?” I breathed.

  “I’ll use condoms if I do, but I’ll still expect you to come running when I call you just like I will with you. Relationship or not.”

  His hands gripped my waist and I laid back against the mirror that was the length of the counter. I gripped the wall lamp and moaned at his delicious assault on my pussy. In that instant, I knew I could not turn this offer down. I truly would have my cake and eat it, too, and would be beyond foolish to resist. So I wouldn’t.

  “Okay,” my voice vibrated as Greg pounded harder and faster. “Fuck budddddies!”

  “Agreed.” Greg grunted, his face contorting. “Fuck! I’m gonna cum!”

  Good, I thought because I was on the edge of the third one. As I released that time, Greg left my body and pumped his dick with his hand and squirted his semen all over my shaking belly. I had never had that done before and I found watching him shoot extremely erotic and I also found myself wishing he was in my mouth, lubricating my throat with his release.

  Greg stayed between my legs, holding himself up on locked arms, his hands flat on either side of my torso. His half-erect shaft rested on my mound as he tried catching his breath. I had a struggle, too, but I finally felt I could function after a few minutes.

  I watched as Greg grabbed a towel, soaped it then cleaned my belly first then moved lower, cleaning me so well I managed a fourth orgasm and seriously wondered how I was going to walk back outside.

  Clean again, we silently dressed, and as soon as I was done, I quickly left the bathroom. I didn’t even look back. My dress required only a thong, but still I prayed no one would notice I was no longer wearing panties. The dress clung to every inch of my skin, and when I checked myself in the mirror, I had to admit the dress looked better against my body while I was naked underneath. I took a deep breath before going out the door, hoping no one noticed how long I was gone.

  “There you are!”

  I turned to see Lala smiling at me. I smiled back and she frowned.

  “Why are you frowning?”

  “Because.” Lala frowned harder. Suddenly, her eyes widened. “You just… did you just have sex?”

  “What?” I screeched. “What makes you think that?”

  “You look… you just… you’re glowing, like you did that day when Walden busted you. Where’s Eddie? Wait. Cass… oh no… did you do a guest?”

  I shook my head. “I think I’m just a little tipsy, La. Too much champagne.”

  Lala immediately looked relieved. I definitely could never let her find out. She liked Eddie and wanted us to find a solution.

  “Oh, right. I’m sorta glad to hear that. I was about to recommend you get a therapist for your nymphomania,” she laughed. “Will you be okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I nodded. “I’m just glad I didn’t drive. Why are you looking for me? Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, I… I just wanted to ask you about Stanley. I meant Stone. I’ve been ogling him all day, and now I’m seriously about to ask him if he wants to go home with me. I need you to tell me everything you know about him.”

  “I don’t know anything about anyone in the band. I only met them a week or so ago. You really should ask Itsy. Or Macy.”

  “No, I can’t ask Macy about Negative Ion. She’s still depressed about her brother and her ex marrying that Cara a month after she’d gone to college. I was lucky I met Macy when I did because when she found out, she shut everyone out. Not pretty at all.”

  “Then Itsy is your better choice.”

  Lala’s nose wrinkled. “Would you go with me? I feel kind of awkward asking my boss’ daughter about a guy I want to ride all night long.”

  I giggled and looked around. Itsy sat alone at a table. She looked reflective, deep in thought.

  “I think now would be a good time to approach her. She’s alone and if you want to get laid tonight, you’d better get to her. It’s getting late and the bride and groom are leaving soon. Look.” I pointed to Samantha as she entered the house from the side door. “Samantha’s going inside and I’m betting it’s to change.”

  “Okay, let’s go.”

  Lala and I smiled as we sat. Itsy smiled back. “Hey, you two. What’s up?”

  “Itsy.” I grinned. “Tell us about Stan. I mean Stone.”

  “Stone?” Itsy frowned. She looked toward the band then back to us. “Oh, God, where do I begin? He’s an ass and he hates his given name… but he’s a complete sweetie. He’s fun, funny, extremely attentive and a complete horn-dog. I think he’s maturing and would be a great boyfriend for you, Lala.”

  Alannah smirked. “Who said I was interested?”

  “Well, I know Cass isn’t. She has Eddie,” Itsy laughed. “Besides, Stone’s been eye-fucking you since you got here.”

  Alannah blushed. “He has?”

  “Oh, yeah,” Itsy laughed harder. “I think I’m becoming psychic. I predict one of you will wake at the other’s apartment and none of us will hear from either you all day tomorrow. Better grab one of the caterer boxes, Lala. Stone is insatiable, trust me. I’ve heard him in the past, and he’s not into quickies. Plus, he eats like a horse between rounds. Better make it two boxes… and lots of cake.”

  “Damn,” Lala murmured then looked at Stone with hooded eyes. “Can Samantha get dressed any faster?”

  Itsy and I laughed loudly when Lala blushed again. The band members turned and looked at us. I caught Greg’s eye and shook my head. His expression screamed, ’I just finished fucking,’ and when our eyes met, again, I swore he was asking me if I was ready for the next round. I better not look his way again. I really could use a fifth orgasm.

  Samantha finally returned, looking beautiful in a red sheath dress and heels. Parker now had on all black and his shirt sleeves were rolled back, showing his many tattoos. His jewelry on his face was in place, too. I wasn’t aware he had so many piercings and on him, they worked. They looked gorgeous together.

  The bride and groom took off, all smiles and hand holding. Soon after, Lala and Stone disappeared, after she approached the caterer for leftover trays. Stone saw her go to the table and ran to the front. I smiled and talked with Itsy while the others danced as it occurred to me that I had not seen Eddie since the cake was cut. I shook my head, thinking I had something more important to ask, since I was sure Eddie and Sam were working on Sam’s website.

  “Itsy,” I called softly, watching Ren dance with his wife.

  “Yes?”

  “Your son’s father. What happened there?”

  Itsy sighed and lowered her head. “I loved him. Maybe too much. He loved me. Maybe too much, too. He ripped me apart before I told him I was pregnant with Jay and nothing went well from there. Not even when he found out about my pregnancy.”

  “How’d he find out?” I whispered.

  “I told him. Roland
made me. Well, he insisted with his valid points.”

  Wow.

  “So where is he now?”

  She shrugged. “He… disappeared. No one’s seen him in nine months.”

  Wow again. I quieted, thinking she didn’t want to talk about this, and just as I was about to go find Eddie to leave, she turned to me and we looked one another in the eye.

  “I feel like we’re going to be best friends, Cass.”

  “I already feel we are, Itsy.”

  “Good, because so do I.” Itsy sighed. “I liked Roland first,” she said, turning to watch her parents dance along with Parker’s mother and stepfather and Samantha’s parents. “Parker made sure that relationship wouldn’t happen and I fell for Samantha’s twin.”

  I nodded. I knew her son’s name was Jaxen II, I just never knew he was Samantha’s twin. Or her brother, for that matter. They’d never talked about him.

  I put my arm around her chair, then reached out and held her hand. She held it tightly and talked again.

  “Literally, the day after I found out I was carrying Jay, his father dumped me, cruelly in Galaxy’s parking lot. We had a little fight the night before, but I still… When I woke that morning, I was so happy to tell him we were having a baby. The look on his face when we met up… it was so cold, so far away from what I was used to seeing from him. I got chills and literally lost everything in me when he started in on how he didn’t want me anymore; how he needed to be free to fuck this girl and that.”

  I silently stared at the side of her face, watching as she fought to hold it together while wanting to put my arms around her. She wiped away a tear, and after the biggest exhale known to man, she continued.

  “I fled. I couldn’t be here; running into him anywhere in this small town would have broken me. He was going to see that I was pregnant, and it wouldn’t take him long to put together the baby inside me was his. I went to Harvard and lasted until winter break. Roland came to see me and talked me into telling Jay’s father about the baby, and when I did, I thought he’d hung up on me. I got upset and ran off and married Roland.”

  My eyes bulged. “Roland? The best man?”

  “Yeah. I needed and wanted a father for my son, and I thought we could make that work. We eloped to New York, and when we came back, Jay’s father was there, at my apartment near Harvard. We argued, then he physically fought Roland, and I went into labor. I didn’t see Jay’s father again until Jay was about two weeks old.”

  I turned my body to her and focused on her words. I managed to block out everything and could only hear her voice. She laced our fingers and patted my hand. I sighed and laid my head on her shoulder.

  “I never got to tell Jay’s father that my marriage was being annulled. It dawned on me in the lobby of his hotel, where I sat and cried when I realized I couldn’t live without him, not another minute. I stood and impatiently waited for the elevator to take me back to his room to tell him I wasn’t giving up on us. Determined to make him listen, I burst into his room with our son and found him lying on the bed, blood oozing from his wrist.

  “I laid the baby on the bed then called 9-1-1, then my family. All the while I held Jay’s father, pleading with him not to leave me. I don’t think he heard a word. The ambulance came and after they loaded him on the gurney, I finally saw the note. I picked it up and read it. It took me a while to decipher it. Not that he wasn’t clear on what he wanted to say, but the tears… just like now… blurred everything.”

  I looked at her and when I saw the tears falling in sheets down her face, I started to cry, too. This was a lot of pain for someone to be in, and it broke my heart to see it. I never wanted to do that to another. If I went through with the fuck buddy thing with Greg, I would undoubtedly cause this pain to Eddie. I could not do that.

  I grabbed a napkin and wiped Kimber’s face. I shook my head when everyone looked as though they wanted to come to our table. I had a feeling she wanted to keep talking and would stop as soon as someone got anywhere near us.

  She looked up when Mike closed in and stood fast. She gripped my hand and walked us quickly inside, leading me to a door that opened to a beautiful basement apartment. It was bigger than my two bedroom with Eddie.

  We sat on the couch, and Itsy laid her head on my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry,” Itsy murmured. “I feel like talking, and they always want to say his name and I can’t. I don’t want to say it or hear it yet.”

  “Okay,” I said, gripping her hand. “We don’t have to, and you can talk as long as you want. No telling how long Eddie will be on Sam’s computer.”

  “Thanks,” Itsy nodded. “Push comes to shove, you can stay the night here with me if Eddie doesn’t finish.”

  “Even if he does finish, I’ll stay if you need me, Itsy. Talk as much as you need. You can trust I won’t say a word of what’s said here.”

  “It’s not that,” Itsy said, then reached for tissue. I quieted as she gently blew her nose. “I miss him. They miss him, too, but I just don’t want to hear his name. I kick myself all the time for not telling him that my marriage was annulled. I truly didn’t think he wanted me; that he meant everything he’d said in Galaxy’s lot, especially after I screamed at him how much I loved him. Even after we finally talked in his hotel room, I felt we were over, but I had to try again.”

  “What did he say?” I whispered. “In Galaxy’s lot, I mean.”

  She sighed. “I don’t do love. You knew that in the beginning because among other things, Samantha repeatedly warned you. Well, I love things… my beer. My weed… giving tats… and riding my bike. I like banging on my drums and having a different bitch suck me off after every show or in my tat cubicle. Since I’ve been fucking around with you, that hasn’t happened. I miss it and I want it all back and I can’t have it if you’re sitting around at every measly gig I get, every tat I give, scaring off potential fuck buddies.”

  “Wow. Was that verbatim?”

  She nodded and sniffed. “Yeah. I had no choice but to remember it. It cut me so deeply to hear that. I even threw some of those words back in his face after he confronted me outside my apartment building. After he made it a personal mission to get me, fucking begged me to stay with him, I just… I caved so fast and fell so hard. I thought he and I would have a life together. How wrong I was. Even when I showed up at his hotel room, before he slit his wrists, I thought there was a chance for us. But… b-but he assured me there wasn’t so I didn’t tell him about the annulment. I was all set to leave him but couldn’t get past the lobby. I had to go back. I had to tell him that Roland and I were not going to be together. I thanked God over and over that I went back and found him, but now… not knowing where he is or what he’s done…

  “I informed Mike what happened and he got everyone to meet at the hospital, but by the time I got there, I was so hysterical, Macy had to take my baby while the others worked to calm me. After they did, I held my son tightly and waited for word on him. Finally, we were told that they got the bleeding controlled, but he needed rest. He was going to be admitted to the psych ward as a precaution. We all felt that was for the best. When we came back the next day to see him, we were told he left AMA overnight. We haven’t seen him since.”

  “None of you know where he is?”

  “No,” she murmured. “But I think we all believe… that… whew… that he’s…”

  She stopped talking and looked away. I swallowed hard and found the words that she couldn’t say, only I tried to say it in a way that wouldn’t upset her further.

  “You believe he finished what he started?”

  “Yes,” Itsy whispered.

  Holy shit. This whole family, the band… during these celebrations and everything between his disappearance and now… they were all thinking, believing Jaxen Malloy was dead.

  Was he? I think about her baby and shake my head. How could he purposely leave behind such a cute and adorable little boy? And her, this sweet, caring and not to mention beautiful woman who obvio
usly still loved him, so much she couldn’t bring herself to say his name, even when referring to their son. She thinks he’s dead; that he possibly completed his botched suicide attempt. I really hoped he just needed time on his own and was off on a ‘finding himself’ vacation or something.

  “I should have listened to him,” Itsy whispered. “I should have changed his name. Jay’s, I mean. I now hate that he has his; that he’s a second, but he is my son’s father. I will have to teach him how to spell it, and someday, I may even have to call him that name. How, when it will only remind me of him?”

  I sat silently. I couldn’t answer that. I had no idea, and it was a real possibility. I put my arms around Itsy and sighed.

  “Let’s hope you’ll be healed enough to say it when Jay’s ready, if he’s ever ready to be called his given name. You never know, Itsy. He may like being called Jay for the rest of his life.”

  “Maybe.” Itsy nodded. “But someday he’ll learn about his father from somewhere, and I have to fill in the gaps. Gaps that Sara, John, Samantha, Macy, Parker and Roland or the band cannot fill. I’m going to dread that day, no matter how healed I am.”

  “You’ll be strong enough to tell him anything he wants or needs to know, Itsy,” I said, squeezing her hand. “Because that’s what you are: strong.”

  She nodded, then sighed. “He made me believe I was it for him, as he was for me. He even made me wait weeks after we were together, but the first time we made love, the first time I ever made love, was the best day of my life until my J.J. was born. Well, not the… at first, I thought he was shoving a baseball bat up my cooch.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. I felt the same way my first time.

  “That’s so not funny, Cassidy Cecile Wren!”

  I looked over to her blazing, amber eyes and laughed harder. “Sorry… sorry… I’m not… laughing at you!” I snorted. “I’m laughing… whew! I’m laughing because the first guy I was with… he made me feel the same way. He was huge and rock hard, and I was a total baby with my eighteen-year-old, inexperienced self. He used his mouth on me first, and I had no idea what he was doing when he started!”