Despair: Book Two of the Negative Ion Series

by Ryanne Anthony

  I looked at him and frowned. Shit. He was gay! Damn!

  “I’m sorry,” I sighed. “I had no idea. You never gave me any sign, no inclination.”

  He frowned. “Inclination? Of what?”

  “That you’re gay. If they aren’t flamboyant, I have, like, zero gaydar.”

  He smirked and shook his head. “I’m not gay, Cass. I’m only attracted to women.”

  “Oh.” I nodded then sighed. Wow, he wasn’t attracted to me. “Oh, okay. I get it. I’m sorry I approached you.”

  “Why are you sorry for that? What is it that you ‘get’ now?”

  “I put you on the spot and you don’t find me attractive. I should have at least tested the waters first.”

  “Cassidy, you’re reading me wrong. Me not being attracted to you… that isn’t the case. Of course I think you’re attractive, but if I’m honest, I didn’t notice until last summer. Now, looking at you, I can’t believe you’ve never been made love to. You’re a beautiful, very attractive young lady, and I do want you, but honestly, I’m not in the market for a relationship. Not yet. I have work to do with my life, and I will be very busy. I don’t see myself settling down until I’m in my late twenties. Possibly thirties.”

  “I wasn’t asking for a relationship, Joshua. I just wanted some fun before I trudged back to Iowa and start working on my own life.”

  “You’re not going to college?”

  “No,” I sighed. “No, college isn’t for me right now. Maybe later. Now, I want to use my voice and sing. I’m taking a job in Iowa and save. I’m going to go to New York in a couple of years and try my voice there.”

  “You definitely belong on a stage or behind a mic,” he smiled. “I’ll be on the front row when either happens.”

  “Thanks,” I smiled. “For everything, especially the tutoring. Good luck with everything you have planned.”

  I felt relieved I’d followed through, but disappointed he and I weren’t going to happen. I turned to leave the room and took one step. Joshua grabbed my arm and pulled me back in front of him.

  He smirked, looking down at me. “I wasn’t done.”

  I blinked. “Oh?”

  “You’re young, Cass. And inexperienced. I want to be inside you but that’s all I can offer you now. I have the entire summer and then in the fall, it’s back to my education. I’m only in Calabasas until late September.”

  “I don’t… I understand that, Joshua,” I murmured. “I don’t love you; I just want you. I admire, respect and adore you. I find you immensely attractive and I’m ready to try sex and I want to try with you. I trust you with me. You’re my friend.”

  He stared at me for a while then nodded. “Summer fling?”

  “Summer fling,” I confirmed. “No wining and dining, just bed when we’re in the mood.”

  “You have got to be kidding,” Joshua chuckled. “No, we’re doing other things as well. You’re too special just to be a body for use, Cassidy.”

  I tried not to smile, but I couldn’t help it. He was being cute and charming, and I loved every second of it.

  He called me his summer girlfriend and when I went to dinner with him one Sunday, I was warmly greeted by his parents. Also there was Marcus, Matthew and Evelyn, their sister. They teased us mercilessly and actually made me laugh about the age difference. It was only five years, but they made it sound like thirty. You’d have thought I was dating their father instead of their brother.

  I went out with other guys, and it surprised me when he requested I put an end to that soon after finding out about my other dates. We were together, he said, and only for a short time. We didn’t need the confusion of adding other people in our lives. I agreed.

  It took a while… weeks… but one night, after Joshua moved into his apartment in a very large building, we went out to dinner and I felt it was friendly-like. We talked about Iowa, California, our futures, hopes and dreams. When Joshua paid the check, I saw his hand shake and frowned. Was something wrong with him?

  He held my hand as he led me to his car, and after we got in, he didn’t start it right away. He turned to me and held my hand.

  “Cass…”

  I inhaled. “What? What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, relax,” he soothed, and smiled softly. “I was attempting to be patient, take things slow but in the few weeks we’ve been together, I’ve come to want you more than anyone I’ve ever wanted. I want to take you home with me. I want to make love to you, tonight.”

  I blushed and looked at my fingers. “I want that, too. More than ever. I thought you were changing your mind about us.”

  “No, I was giving you a chance to change yours.”

  “I haven’t. I want you as much as I did before, Joshua.”

  “Good. Tonight?”

  “Tonight,” I whispered.

  “I have to stop for condoms.”

  “I have an IUD. I got it months ago, right after Christmas. I wanted nothing between us for my first time, if you agreed. You don’t have to worry about me or me getting pregnant. I’m not ready for children, Joshua.”

  “Aren’t you worried about me, Cass?”

  I raised a brow. “Should I be?”

  He looked thoughtful for a moment, and I thought I saw fear on his face. He quickly masked it and smiled. “No, I promise I’m clean. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”

  “Then nothing between us. I want to feel you, the natural you.”

  He nodded, then started the engine. “Is there anything you do and don’t want to try?”

  “I’m not sure? You?”

  “Just one.” He nodded as he drove off. “I don’t… I can’t… I am willing to try anything, except you being on top. I really do not like that position.”

  “Okay, I don’t have to be,” I agreed, nodding. Seemed reasonable enough. Weird, maybe, but reasonable. To each, his own.

  He nodded again and drove faster. Soon we were at his apartment. He said he wanted to shower first and showed me to the shower in the master bedroom after I said I wanted one, too. He left me to go to another bathroom. I looked around and grinned. I loved that bathroom, everything about it, I thought as I stripped, pinned up my hair and showered. When I finished, I smiled when I saw the things he was so sweet to get, especially the beautiful white negligee and matching robe.

  I slipped on the robe and tied it loosely at my waist and smiled at how it felt on my skin. I opened the door and saw Joshua sitting on the bed’s edge, wearing only pajama bottoms. He smiled when he saw me. I blushed and that’s when I got nervous. He stood and walked over to me with the biggest grin on his face.

  “You can change your mind at any time, Cassidy,” he whispered.

  “I won’t,” I whispered quickly. “I want this. I want you.”

  “If you change your mind at any time later, I will stop right away.” He smiled, reassuringly. “I won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”

  Whoa, I thought, that was forceful, but I nodded and let him lead me to his bed while soft music played in the background. Really romantic music that made me feel… good. I appreciated all his efforts to make this special for me.

  I laid in his arms and smiled shyly. Joshua smiled back and kissed me, slowly, passionately. He rolled me to my back. One of his legs were between mine and I felt him grow on my hip. His hands were everywhere, touching and feeling and just heating me from the inside out. I can’t even recall when he got my robe open, let alone off. I was so turned-on and wet that I started to shiver at every touch. I had no idea my nipples were that sensitive to touch. Not to mention the way he fingered my clit. And when he worked both at the same time… holy…

  After a few minutes, I shook hard, shut my eyes and screamed. Joshua held me, kissing my jaw while I panted, praying my heart would calm.

  “Christ…”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” I whispered. “That was exciting and sort of scary at the same time.”

  “Want
to keep going,” he asked, softly.

  “Yes.”

  I felt him go down my body, kissing here, biting there… making me shake at every light touch. I felt him lick, kiss and suck, stopping at my sex. I felt a hot, wet flick at my clit and shuddered.

  My eyes flew open. “What are you doing?” I shouted, sitting straight up.

  “I’m giving you more pleasure,” he whispered then flicked again. “Relax.”

  “Whoa,” I murmured and fell back. “That’s so… oh, God… again, please.”

  He did it again and again. Soon I felt the fluttering inside me again, and he slowed, almost to a stop. I panted, clawing at the sheets, wanting him to keep going. Instead I heard a loud slurp then the coolest air stream hit my clit, and I swear, I was so wet I thought I pissed in that bed. I screamed, grabbed, yanked and pulled anything in my reach. Then I literally started bawling as I shook. Joshua moved back to my side and quietly held me.

  I started calming and swore the next guy was going to have a lot to live up to… and I was still a virgin at that point.

  “You still want me, Cassidy?” Joshua asked softly, massaging my body.

  “No.” I grinned. “I’m content now. Thanks. You were awesome.”

  I moved to get off the bed and giggled loudly when he yanked me back.

  He chuckled in my ear. “You’re what Dad would call a ‘cheeky thing.’”

  “Ooh, your dad… I love his voice. Is he a singer as well as a doctor?”

  “No, just an internist.”

  I nodded then sighed. I turned to Joshua and smiled. “Yes,” I whispered.

  He looked confused for a split second then smiled shyly. “Sure?”

  “Yes.”

  He kissed me softly, holding me. I tasted me and was intrigued, wondering what he’d taste if I put my mouth on him. I made a note to get him to let me try that on him but first… First, I wanted to feel him inside me.

  He removed his pajama pants then moved between my legs. I looked down, wanting to see what I was getting. My eyes bulged. I looked up at him, betting myself I looked as frightened as I felt.

  “Are… is that… um, did you… God… are all men like… that?”

  “No,” he soothed. “If you still want this, I’ll be gentle. You’re going to hurt, no matter what size your first will be, Cassidy.”

  “I know. I just didn’t imagine you would be… um…”

  He smiled and tilted his head. “Blessed?”

  “Yeah, let’s go with that.”

  He shook his head as he chuckled. “Don’t be mad, Cassidy, but I sort of had to talk to my brother about this, us. I wanted you but I was a little nervous about making love with a virgin.”

  “Oh, God…” I mumbled, covering my eyes. “Please tell me you don’t mean Matthew. Aunt Raquel is going to kill me. She has no idea it’s you I’ve been seeing.”

  Laughing, he pulled my hands from my face.

  “No, I promise it wasn’t him,” he whispered. “I needed advice. Marcus listens and is a doctor. Trust me, Matthew is the last person I would have went to with this situation.”

  “Okay.” I nodded. “Marcus’ advice, was it good?”

  “Yes, so far.” He grinned. “Still want to go on?”

  “Yes.”

  “Relax, tensing will make it worse.”

  I nodded and blew out a breath. “Okay.”

  He kissed me again, slowly, deeply. Suddenly, he jumped up and moved off the bed.

  “Shit! Forgot something. Don’t move.”

  I watched as he jogged to the bathroom naked. I swear that man was ridiculously sexy. He’s not overly ripped, but he’s athletic-looking. Maybe he was a runner. Whatever he was doing, I hoped he’d keep that up.

  He came back with a black towel. Joshua gently raised my bottom, then slid the towel under me.

  “Another piece of advice,” he murmured, easing between my legs.

  “Okay.” I smiled.

  His arms went under my shoulders, then his hands gently held my head. The kissing started again, and I was quickly into it. My arms held him to me, my hands on his back. One of his hands left my head, then I felt him rubbing me with his crown. I told myself not to tense, but I did a little, especially when I felt his crown enter me, breaking through.

  His hands gripped my head tighter, holding my mouth to his. I feel his hips give a small push. I stilled, tightly shutting my eyes, and I screamed but, thankfully, because of his kiss, it was muffled.

  I was no longer a virgin.

  I breathed rapidly through my nose and forcefully moved my mouth from his. He stayed still, half inside me when I turned my head. I felt so mortified.

  I thought I was this mature woman, able to take on anything, but there I was, doing something natural with a man and all I wanted was to get him off me, curl into a ball and cry.

  “I’m so sorry,” I whimpered.

  “Why?”

  I couldn’t answer. Instead, I let the tears escape. I wept into my hands, disappointed in me, in disappointing him and most of all, disappointed that it wasn’t the big pleasurable experience everyone made it out to be.

  I felt him leave my body and cried harder, convinced I’d pissed him off more with my stupid crying. At that point, I wanted to be in that ball even more. Instead, I got off the bed and tried to hurry into the bathroom so I could dress and get the hell out of there.

  I got close to the bathroom, maybe three feet away, when Joshua’s naked body embraced me from the back of mine.

  “Hey, I’m sorry,” he whispered as he held me. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t cry.”

  I wiped my eyes with the heel of my hand and sniffed.

  “What? Aren’t you… I disappointed you, Joshua. I should be the one apologizing.”

  “Huh?” He turned me to him. He was frowning, looking seriously confused. “How did you get there?”

  “You had to stop. And I screamed, like a little kid. I thought I was ready to be with a man, but maybe… I don’t know… I wasn’t expecting that much pain.”

  He sighed as he caressed my cheek. “I don’t think most women do but you did not disappoint me. I feel I let you down. I thought I was being careful. For that, I’m sorry.”

  “So am I,” I whispered. “But I wasn’t disappointed in anything you did. I’m going to go to the bathroom now.”

  He nodded, wiping my tears. “You want to clean your face?”

  “Yeah, then get dressed and go home. I really think I’ve embarrassed myself enough.”

  “You shouldn’t feel that way. Please, come back to bed. We can lie there and talk; nothing more has to happen.”

  I thought on it a moment then my head gestured to the bathroom. “Give me a few minutes,” I said softly. He nodded.

  I took care of myself in the bathroom, then put the negligee on. When I opened the door, Joshua was on the bed, laying back with his pajama pants on as he watched TV. He smiled as soon as he noticed me and patted the bed. I laid next to him and smiled when he pulled me closer. He passed me the remote and I found a movie I thought we could both watch and enjoy: Queen of the Damned.

  “Shame about her,” I murmured when Aaliyah finally appeared.

  “Huh? What did she do?”

  “She died, Joshua.”

  “Oh, yeah. I think the aunt took her, right?”

  I turned to him and frowned. “Joshua, you know Aaliyah died in real life, don’t you?”

  He frowned, then his head snapped to the TV. “That beautiful woman is dead?”

  “Yeah, years now. How do you not know that?”

  He shook his head. “I think you’re confusing the role with the actress, Cass. I’m ordering us a pizza. You have to be suffering from low blood sugar.”

  I shook my head and smirked. I was about to protest, but stopped myself; it would be futile to even try. This guy can eat, and it’s amazing to see him put it away. I had no idea where it all went.

  I laughed when, after he ordered, he aske
d the order taker if Aaliyah was dead. The look on his face was priceless.

  “Damn,” he muttered, turning off his phone. “How did I not know this?”

  He powered his phone again, pressed a button, then held it to his ear. “Did you know Aaliyah died? Yeah, her. When? What? No fucking way! How am I just now hearing this? What? My date just told me. None of your business, Toad. I have to go now. She’s getting naked.” Joshua laughed, then powered off his cell.

  The pizza arrived, and Joshua ate while I flipped to find something else to watch when Queen of the Damned ended. Legends of the Fall was starting. I grinned big. I turned up the volume, threw the remote onto the table and laid at the foot of the bed, just trying to get closer to handsome Henry Thomas… sexy Aidan Quinn… and that extremely hot Brad Pitt.

  The bed moved, but my gaze didn’t leave the TV. The mattress sagged a few minutes later and Joshua moved close to me and pressed his body to mine.

  “Got a thing for Anthony Hopkins, do you?”

  “Little bit.” I giggled. “It’s the girl I really want.”

  “Girl?” Joshua screeched, “Girl on girl?”

  I frowned, then turned. Joshua had his eyes closed. I smacked his thigh. “Are you seriously turned-on by picturing me with a girl?”

  “Hell, yeah, I am.” He laughed and opened his eyes. “I’m only a man, Cass.”

  “You’re a pervert.” I laughed, then turned back to the movie.

  We watched silently. Joshua held me at my waist, his breaths on my head. He absently started rubbing my belly. I felt him grow on my backside and forgot all about Anthony, Brad, Aidan and Henry… and that damn girl.

  “Um, can you take me back to my aunt’s now? It’s getting late and I’m getting sleepy.”

  “Stay,” he murmured into my ear. “The night.”

  I swallow hard, trying to control the shudder threatening to escape. I thanked God I had the foresight to let Aunt Raquel know I’d be out all night, then nodded. I turned to my back and looked at him. He stared right back, his erection pressing against my thigh. I wanted so badly for him to try again with me, but I was still a little nervous.

  “We’ll do whatever you want, Cass,” Joshua whispered. “I think you can tell that I want you, but if you don’t want to try again, I’m okay with that. It’s your choice.”