Unwinnable

by May Dawson

  “Thank you,” I said automatically.

  “Your father and I do have a concern,” my mother said, her voice gentle. “What’s your intention with Emmelie?”

  I frowned. “I don’t have any intention with Emmelie. We broke up when I was sixteen.”

  My mother was shaking her head before I even finished the sentence. “No, Rafe, that’s not how this works. You two were promised to each other many years ago.”

  “Now here you are, bringing another girl here in front of the pack, embarrassing her, as if you’re rejecting your mate,” Dad added.

  “She’s not my mate,” I said. That position was taken. I’d denied it for a long time, but the way I felt about Maddie from the first time I met her was intensely passionate in a way nothing had ever been with another girl. “Did you even ask Emmelie if she still wants to be with me?”

  “Of course she does,” my mother said. “Emmelie is a good girl, Rafe. How could you do this to her?”

  I stared between the two of them, feeling ambushed. I’d never intended to hurt Emmelie, and they were implying I’d done just that—that I was hurting her now.

  “Why did the two of you act as if you were fated mates?” My mother’s voice dropped low, as if she was speaking of something unsavory.

  Oh. I was supposed to marry Emmelie because she was my first and I was hers.

  “I was fifteen,” I said dryly. “Things have changed since then.”

  “Oh, come on,” my dad said. “You’ve had the fun girl. You should’ve gotten that out of your system now.”

  “Excuse me?” My voice came out low and cool as I turned to face my father.

  “You know exactly what I mean,” my father said. “Maddie’s not from our pack. She’s not marriage material. She’s the kind of girl you fuck in your parents’ house during your graduation party for fun, not the kind of girl you keep.”

  My mother gasped. “Rafe, you didn’t…”

  “Watch what you say about Maddie,” I warned my father, my voice dropping even lower. I wasn’t going to be drawn into a discussion about what Maddie and I had done upstairs. “I’ll walk out of this house and this will be the last time you ever see me.”

  He scoffed. “You’re our son. You can’t just walk away. You can’t walk away from your pack, your responsibilities.”

  “And that girl,” my mother sounded scandalized. “You know some people claim she was involved in the loss of our wolves?” My mother pressed a trembling hand against her chest. “We’ve lost so much, Rafe. Everything. Is it true?”

  I shook my head. It was more complicated than that, but it wouldn’t be complicated at all to people like my parents.

  “You’ve changed since you’ve been with her,” my mother accused.

  “Good,” I said, quicker than thought, surprising myself. I’d have to think about that later, when I wasn’t filled with anger.

  She frowned, shaking her head. “You know, the pack is so close to forgiving everything in your past… the way you meddled in witchcraft, the way you drew your brother into your misdeeds, the way he died… You’ve redeemed yourself. You excelled at the academy, you were selected for the Council’s Own.”

  She was saying everything I always wanted to hear. But now, for some reason, I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t even sure I cared.

  “Sure,” I said, heat curling through every muscle. “I’m sure I’m going to be forgiven.”

  If I was ever forgiven, my parents would grieve my brother with me, instead of at me. Instead, they colored every memory with guilt and shame. I had no one who shared my memories of Michael. Any time I had tried to bring him up with my parents, they twisted the memory into a way to punish me.

  “Whatever you think, we love you,” my mother said urgently. “Rafe, you can have the life you were always meant to have. You can serve in the Council’s Own. We’ll have big family dinners, and you can play with your niece, and you can settle down and give us some more grandchildren.”

  “And Emmelie will be a good wife,” Dad added. “You two used to be so happy together.”

  Maybe there was some part of me that could get lost in the fantasy that we’d all be a happy family again, but Dad snapped me out of it. “Once again, Dad, I was fifteen.”

  “Your mother and I were together by the time we were sixteen,” Dad pointed out.

  Yeah, and look how well that worked out. Not only were they miserable with each other, they made everyone miserable.

  “So you can’t just be proud I graduated the academy and was selected for the Council’s Own today,” I said. “Now, today, there’s another hoop I have to jump through, and then you’ll be proud?”

  “That’s not what we’re saying.” Mom shook her head. “You’re not hearing us.”

  I crossed my arms, but stayed quiet, listening. Like I always had before.

  And it had never helped.

  “You’re throwing your future away on that stupid girl with the bad attitude!” Dad finally erupted.

  “I’m done with this conversation,” I interrupted him as he started to go on. “You’re not going to stand there and insult the girl I love.”

  “I’m going to say whatever I want in my own home,” my father said. “I never thought a son of mine could be so ungrateful, so rude--”

  “How rude of me to fall in love without approval,” I agreed. “I’m going now. If this is really how you want us to leave things, that’s up to you.”

  I just had to find Maddie, and then I could get out of here.

  My father’s eyes narrowed. “She’s just a piece of trash, like every wolf in the Northsea pack. They let women lead because the men in their packs are all emasculated. Men have stepped down from their natural leadership roles and grown lazy and dickless, and Cain will never—”

  “Oh, fuck off, Dad. Piper Northsea’s a better leader than you ever were. She did more to help me recover after she found me homeless than you ever did, and you’re my own father.”

  “Your father’s right though,” my mother said. “It’s not moral, a woman leading a pack like that, as if she were some kind of alpha. Are you going to bow and scrape to Maddie, do what she tells you—”

  “Is that what love has to be? One person bowing to another? Because yeah, I’m going to pass on that, Mom. Thanks for the offer, though.”

  “Watch how you speak to your mother,” my father said.

  It was his standard line—she could say whatever disgusting things she wanted, but I couldn’t argue with her. Today, I wasn’t here for it, though.

  “Are you kidding me? You just called the woman I love trash!” I roared back at him, finally losing my temper. “You don’t get to talk about her that way. I love that girl, and I’m going to marry her one day if she’s stupid enough to say yes.”

  “Don’t you dare walk out of this house without saying thank you to your guests—” my mother began, but I was already turning toward the door to the living room.

  Maddie stood there in the doorway, her eyes wide. Emmelie was next to her, her face alight with barely restrained joy. I had a funny feeling Emmelie had overheard our argument and steered Maddie here on purpose.

  Had Maddie just heard me lose my temper with my parents and threaten to… marry her? That would be the worst proposal ever.

  “Let’s go,” I told her curtly. My tone came out rough, but as I settled my hand on her lower back to steer her out of the party even though she still seemed shocked, I was careful to make my touch gentle. I didn’t wasn’t to take my frustration out on Maddie.

  The two of us headed out through the party, winding through the crowd. I fixed a familiar fake smile on my face, answering guests and thanking them for coming even though I never broke my stride.

  None of that mattered to me—I could fake being whatever I had to be. I was an expert at meeting expectations I shouldn’t give a fuck about, and it made me suddenly sick, sick of myself.

  We were almost to the door. Then Lia stepped in front of me,
still carrying Charlotte, who carried a small doll flapping from one little fist.

  “Rafe, what happened?” Lia asked softly.

  If I walked away from my family, my pack, I didn’t know if Lia would choose me, or if I’d lose my sister and my niece forever.

  “They can tell you the story,” I said, my voice rough, knowing that my parents would have their own twisted version of events. “You call me if you want, Lia. Later.”

  At least I could push the pain of Lia’s choice off until later.

  Maddie looked at me as if she wanted to say something, but my hand pressed her lower back, pushing her forward. Just a few more steps.

  Then we were out of my parents’ house and into the sunshine.

  Chapter Ten

  Rafe

  My chest was so tight that I wanted to explode; it felt like I couldn’t contain everything I felt. I hated that Maddie was in the car with me because anger curled through me, tense and dangerous.

  I’d never intend to hurt her, and yet—I knew I was capable of hurting her with my words. I remembered everything I’d said to her, when I used to chastise her even knowing what she faced at the academy, and it added something hot and new to the familiar shame I felt burning through my gut. I felt that shame every time I saw my family, and I hated them for it. But I hated myself more.

  “How do you feel about going into the Fae world?” Maddie asked suddenly.

  Her words in the quiet car felt like an intrusion into my frenzied thoughts. I dared take a white knuckled hand off the steering wheel and pressed my fist absently to my lips. Maybe she’d think I was mulling over my answer. I didn’t want her to realize how close I was to unloading on her—just because she was there. I knew how weak that was.

  There were so many miles spooling out before us before I could escape somewhere private.

  I’d said goodbye to my parents for the last time, I was sure of that. It was the right choice, the choice that protected myself—and Maddie and the rest of my new family.

  But it still hurt. And I wasn’t sure how my sister would respond, if she would side with my parents. They’d pitted us all against each other since we were kids. I swallowed all the rage—and the pain and grief that went with it—until it felt like a cold, hard lump I could control, and my voice came out distant.

  “How do I feel? Like we’ve been studying and training for this for the past three months,” I said flatly. “We’ve learned about the Fae courts and their geography, the Ravagers and the goblins and the snakes. We’ve studied stories of Fae trickery, to avoid promises and parties. You’ve learned to form a portal, we’re all increasingly competent with magic.”

  She nodded, not reacting to my tone, even though I knew I was being rude. I pursed my lips; I didn’t mean to be a dick. I just had feelings to process, and I was never the best with feelings.

  “It should be an adventure,” she said. Apparently, half an hour of silence in the car had strained her tolerance.

  “It’s a mission,” I said.

  She looked toward me, her brows arching. “We’re going into another universe. Where magic is real, full of Fae and strange beasts and sentient plants—”

  “Magic is real here,” I reminded her. My voice came out normal; some of my tension flooded away at the thought of the mission ahead. Now my leadership would really mean something—I’d prove who I really was. Or I’d fail, and let down my team, and I’d know once-and-for-all that my parents really were right. “Real trouble.”

  “You know what I mean,” she said. “It’s not the same.”

  I glanced away from the road toward her, and I was pretty sure she waited until I was looking to roll her eyes at my all-business attitude.

  When she rolled her eyes at me, my palm itched to smack that perfect ass of hers. I sighed. I longed for silence, but somehow the two of us had to find a way to balance our different needs. “Did you hear my mother wax on about men’s and women’s roles?”

  “I caught some of that,” she agreed.

  “I know I can be…”

  “Overbearing?” she suggested. “Domineering? Bossy? Annoying?”

  I frowned, half at her commentary and half at the knocking sound from the engine. I switched off the music so I could listen to it better. Absently, I went on, “I don’t want you to think that I want you to bow to me. I don’t want to be in charge—except when we’re on a mission.”

  According to the dials, the engine’s heat was creeping up higher than it should be. Fuck. I turned on the heat in the car, jacking it all the way up, to try to diffuse some of the heat off the engine block. Hot air blasted over us both.

  “Oh, I know,” she said, flashing that brilliant smile at me. “You couldn’t handle me, anyway.”

  I shot her a look, quirking one eyebrow. She was really testing my resolve to keep my dominant impulses in check. “Why are you pushing me?”

  “I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about,” she said innocently.

  “Bullshit. But we’ll pick this conversation up later.”

  I pulled the car over to the side of the road. We were on a long, rural road. To our left were deep woods, and on the right, a field of tranquil cows all looked up at us curiously as I got out of the car. I closed the door quietly, rather than giving into my impulse to slam it shut. Could anything else go wrong today?

  I popped the hood and began to check over the engine, looking for a loose belt, then checking all the fluids. Maddie got out of the car and watched me.

  “Do you want to know what’s wrong?” she asked finally.

  I turned to her, crossing my arms over my chest. “Sure. Why don’t you enlighten me?”

  “The engine’s going bad,” she said. “The camshaft and pistons aren’t working in time with each other anymore. We could try to keep the heat on, drive it slow and try to get it home, but the odds aren’t great.”

  “How do you know that?” I demanded, my irritation at that bit of optimistic news coming out in my voice.

  “I grew up working on cars with my big brothers,” she told me. “Let me guess. Your dad took your car into a shop? He doesn’t seem like the type to get his hands dirty.”

  She wasn’t wrong.

  I heaved a sigh. “I’m going to call Jensen for a tow home.”

  “I’m going to go talk to the cows,” she said mischievously over her shoulder.

  “Stay close,” I said. “Don’t get lost.”

  “Don’t get lost? What am I, a little kid?” she demanded, right before she waved at the cows and let out a long, dramatic, “Moooooo!”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose with two fingers while I dug into my pocket with my cell phone. Any other time, I found Maddie’s signature blend of competence, intelligence, impulse and whimsy to be charming, but at the moment, I was a bit short on good humor.

  I called Jensen, and he picked up on the second ring.

  “Yeah? What’s up?” Jensen asked.

  I should’ve taught him better phone manners when I had the chance. I had regrets now that I was no longer their cadre.

  “My car broke down,” I said.

  “I am so surprised,” he said. “You should see my face right now. Total shock.”

  He was breathing hard, and wind noise came over the line. I must have interrupted one of their matches. The guys had erected a volleyball net in the big backyard, and they were always playing soccer, football or volleyball out there, enlisting Blake and Skyla in their games. I loved playing with them, and I wished I’d stayed at Chase’s house with Maddie. What the hell had I expected with my parents? I felt like an idiot for going to their stupid party.

  Before I could say anything else, he switched the sarcasm off for once. “Can you drop a pin wherever you are in Maps and text it to me?”

  “Thanks, man.” It didn’t escape my attention that I didn’t even have to ask. Jensen always had my back.

  “Always.” In the distance, I heard him say, “I’m heading out. Rafe’s jalopy left him stra
nded again.”

  I closed my eyes. I should be appreciative. Jensen made it tough sometimes with his smartass nature.

  “Texting you now,” I said, then hung up on him. I leaned against the side of the car as I sent him our GPS coordinates.

  When I looked up, Maddie was gone.

  I turned in a slow circle, but she was nowhere to be seen. I looked for her in the field with the cows. What lunatic would hop the farmer’s fence for a close-up meander through the cows? My lunatic, that was who.

  I pulled out my cell phone and texted her. Jensen is on the way with the Suburban to tow us back. Where are you?

  She texted back: Then we have time for a game of hide-and-seek.

  I sighed under my breath. Maddie, I’m not in the mood for games. I’ll be in the car.

  Her answer came back quickly. I think you are in the mood for games, you just don’t know it yet. But don’t worry! I am here to uncover your missing fun side.

  Oh, she was trying to push all my buttons. I already was fun. I raked my hand through my hair.

  After the conversation with my parents, I wanted to make sure Maddie knew I didn’t expect to be in charge twenty-four-seven. They’d left me feeling as if my dominant impulses were something twisted and dangerous to our future, something that would turn me into my father.

  When really, before that discussion, my desire to spank her ass had just felt like the natural progression of our relationship. Whether it would be foreplay or a release of emotion as it was for us both after she came home from the Coven of the Day, it felt right.

  Thinking just that, I texted her back, You have such a spankable ass.

  Then, after a second’s thought, I added: And personality.

  She texted back: Promises, promises. ;)

  I shook my head. She might regret those promises when I caught her. Her current antics made my palm absolutely itchy.

  Assuming that maybe she would respect other people’s property—actually, forget that, knowing her, but she might respect the cows’ property—I headed for the woods on the other side of the road.