Broken by Desire

by Dani René

  “No, sir. She didn’t want to give me a name. Also she told me that she will keep calling back until you are in. She said it’s extremely important.”

  When I spin on my heel, my glare falls on Stacy for the first time since I walked in this morning. Without an answer, I take a seat at my desk and open my laptop. “Fine. Get me a coffee. I have the board meeting in thirty minutes, if she doesn’t call before then, it will have to wait until after.”

  “Mr. Verán, I sent you a reschedule, the board meeting has moved to eleven.”

  “Okay, get me the coffee in the meantime and put whoever it is through.” With a simple nod, she leaves me to my work. With my email open, I scroll through the new messages and find the reschedule. My father wants to attend. That’s strange. Other than that nothing that requires immediate attention. I am about to call Cassie when my phone buzzes. “Verán.” I listen for a few moments, but nothing comes from the other side. “Listen, I have no time for games. If you don’t speak then I am hanging up.”

  “Luca.” The voice on the other end sends me spiraling. I can’t even comprehend why she’s calling me. “Luca, I miss you.” Ice drips through my veins and I am about to hang up when the next words stop me dead in my tracks. “There is something about Cassandra you need to know.” Her accent is rich, sending memories through my mind that I long since buried.

  “What are you talking about? Why are you calling me?” This was my past. Something I didn’t want to ever face again. There was no way I wanted to do this again. Why didn’t she just leave me alone? How many times do you have to reject someone before they take the hint?

  “I have proof your girlfriend has a secret that even you may not be able to forgive.” A headache threatens as I sit back, and pinch the bridge of my nose, between my thumb and forefinger. Jesus, I can’t deal with this shit now. “Luca?” The way she says my name still sends deep regret through me.

  “What? We don’t have any secrets. I need you to leave me alone. Please?” Right now, I am the one begging. I love Cassie that’s all that matters. Nothing can change that.

  “Check your email.” Her words were final. I sat with the phone glued to my ear as my email pinged with an incoming message. My hand is steady as I open the new mail, then click on the attachment. As soon as I open it, my world rocks and free falls into a deep dark hole. My grip on the phone tightens. This can’t be right. She told me everything. Didn’t she? All I saw was rage, the anger flared inside me to an unbearable high. The darkness in my heart is now at the forefront and all I want to do is hurt her. For lying. For hiding this. I slam down the phone, and rise from the chair, stalking to my door. Swinging the office door open so fast that I hear the hinges creak. She would not have kept something like this from me? Could she? Why? After everything I told her? This couldn’t be? It had to be a mistake? Do you really believe that, Verán? She lied to my face! She didn’t even fucking trust me! My blood is simmering.

  The elevator arrives as soon as I push the call button. As the car descended to the tenth floor, my blood has reached boiling point. This can’t be true. This can’t be true. I repeat the words slowly and methodically as the doors open. When I reach her office door, I swing it open. Time for the truth Ms. Winters. Jayce is in her office, standing too close. He’s way too fucking close to her. She’s mine! I can feel my anger about to explode, for many reasons. The main one was that Cassandra lied straight to my face. With no fucking guilt. This can’t be true. This can’t be true. Please, baby, tell me it’s not true. I am pleading with her in my head. As soon as her eyes meet mine, I can see the shock in her expression. She’s never seen me this angry before.

  Cassandra

  My door abruptly flies open. I glance up to meet Lucien's glare, his eyes were bitter and angry sending a shudder over me. His anger is something that was part of my worst nightmares. Those beautiful green eyes are black, in the worst sense. At his sides I saw his fists clench and release, the death stare he gives Jayce only makes me shiver more. He knows, Cassie. There is no doubt about it. And he is here to tell you it’s over. Once again you’ve fucked it up.

  “I need to talk to you Cassandra.” Lucien’s voice is cold, harsh. The man I love is no longer inside that beautiful body. This is someone else. Someone dark, dangerous, and someone filled with hate. I nod.

  “I was just leaving.” Jayce glances at me, the concern evident on his face. He makes his way to the door and passes Lucien, closing the door behind him.

  “What’s up?” I try to calm the shrill tone in my voice, but his face is severe and my heart flip-flops. There was no way I would survive this or take anymore sadness or fighting today. I realized from the thunderous look on his face, he had learned my darkest secret. It was obvious, there was nothing I could do to calm him at this stage, that much I knew. This time I just had to ride wave. Even though it would kill me, then while I drown in the pain I would watch him walk away.

  “I received a call this morning. Is there something you would like to say to me Cassandra?” His voice was brisk, void of any emotion. The way he spat my name made me wince, it was an actual pain in my chest. My heart hammered in my ears and bile rose from my stomach. He knows! Shit, shit, shit! How am I ever going to fix this? There is no fixing it, you’re done.

  “Listen Lucien, there’s something I didn’t tell you. It’s just an ugly part of my past that... I just... I told you most of it, I...” His eyes dart away. He can’t even face me. I can see the disgust in his expression. It’s not about me, or what I did, it’s because I didn’t tell him. He’s angry because I didn’t trust him with this. He gave me all of him, and I held back. Now, I am paying for it. This time I am paying with the love of my life. “This is difficult for me. Please look at me?” I beg him. Realization hits me that I am rambling, trying to make him see I didn’t tell him because I was scared. When he shifted his green gaze on me I froze. I didn’t see the man that loved me, I saw someone else.

  “You preferred for me to find out from a fucking woman from my past about the woman I am sleeping with? Is that what you wanted Cassie?!” His voice roared through the office, and I winced. I felt my heart shattering at the pain, from the anger in his eyes. My head shook quickly as the tears spilled down my face. My voice and breath stolen from me in that moment. There was nothing I could do. Or say. Nothing. This was the end of everything.

  “Jesus, Cassie! I had to fucking find out from someone I haven’t spoken to in over 8 years, a fucking stranger to me!! Do you know how I feel? Do you fucking realize how this has torn into me!?” I was shaking now. All I wished was to crawl into a hole and never come out. “After I fucking told you what I did, you kept this from me!” He spun around, staring at the wall. It looked like he was about to punch a hole through it. In this state, I believed that he would be able to with the amount of anger in his face. His whole body vibrated with rage. The veins in his hands bulged, and he looked violent. Then suddenly, he calmed. Although the rage was still there, he turned and stalked towards me. I backed up against the window and he placed his hands on either side of my head. His angry glare fell on my face. “Look at me.” The words were a blatant order, but I couldn’t bring myself to move. “I said fucking look at me!” His voice boomed around me and I snapped my eyes up. When I met his black angry glare, my body shook violently as I sobbed. He dropped his voice, into a dark and dangerous hiss. “I don’t want you anywhere near me! We’re finished! Our relationship and you are dead to me!” With those last words ringing in my ears, he turned on his heel and strode out of my office, slamming the door behind him.

  Lucien

  As soon as I step out of her office, my heart felt like it had been ripped from my chest. What the fuck have I just done? She lied. Yes. She did. Fuck. I stalk back to the elevator and push the call button. While I wait my mind is a fucking mess. As I step into the car, my phone buzzes. “What?”

  “Luke, I don’t mean to—”

  “Jayce, fuck, I don’t even know what to say. I lost it. She
lied to me.” Scrubbing my hand over my face, I pressed the button for my floor.

  “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I realized that Jayce was fuming. This is not a conversation I wanted to have with him right now. As the doors of the elevator closed, I left my heart on the other side, with Cassie.

  The car ascends. “She lied about something Jayce. Something big. I really don’t know why. I had to find out from Isabel!” I want to punch something. Grinding my teeth, my jaw tightens painfully.

  “So you’re just walking away?” He sounds incredulous. I don’t blame him. I want to ask myself the same fucking question.

  “She lied to me. If she really loved me she would have told me. I told her everything Jayce. Every fucking sordid detail about my past.” The doors of the elevator slide open and I step into Stacey’s reception area. I glance over at her, she looked like she was about to burst and ask me what was going on. My face must have given it away.

  I hear the heavy sigh from Jayce, and my heart is as heavy. “Fine, just remember you walked away.” His words slice into me, deeper than I ever thought possible and my heart thudded at the truth. I did. This is what I chose. To leave her, my love, my lumiére.

  “Jay…” I whisper, stepping into my office, I shut the door with a bang.

  “Yea?” He sounds weary, I don’t blame him, because he knows what’s coming.

  “Listen, just look after her for me? Please?” I love her more than life itself, but I don’t see how it was supposed to work if she was lying to me. Or just not telling me the truth. If she didn’t trust me enough with something like this, then maybe she didn’t love me after all.

  “Always.” The word hangs heavy with promise. A promise I don’t want to think about. I hang up before I can say anything else. The idea of her with Jayce rips me apart. How do you walk away from the one person that makes you whole? How the fuck do I go on living? I will have to find a way because I can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust me. That is the one thing I need from the person I want to spend my life with. Trust. Such an easy thing to break, and so difficult to get back.

  “Mr. Verán, there is a call for you, did you not hear me buzz?” I turn to face Stacy, there are questions all over her face. Questions I am not in the mood to answer. Not right now.

  “No. Take a message. I will get back to them later. Cancel my meetings. I have something that’s come up urgently.” There is no way I can sit in a board meeting now. They will have to wait.

  “Yes, sir.” With that she leaves my office, closing the door behind her. I turn back to the window, staring at the city below me. Most days this view would bring me an insane amount of pleasure, today, it feels like a prison. She’s going off to a beautiful island with Jayce. This is shredding me inside and there is only one thing I need to do. Forget. My phone buzzing tears me from my thoughts. It’s Jayce. Again.

  “What?”

  “You’re a dumb fuck you know that!” Jesus, thank you Jayce, I figured that out. Why the fuck must he be so brutally honest?

  “Jayce, I do realize that. You don’t have to tell me. She needs you.”

  “No, Luke, she needs you. She loves you!”

  “She doesn’t fucking love me!” My voice echoes in the empty room. I take a deep breath, trying to calm down and apologize. “Sorry, man. Just watch her.” He’s quiet for a long time, I know exactly what he’s thinking. There is something between them, I can tell he cares for her. It’s the only reason I am asking him to watch over her. The only problem will be if he fucks her, I know he will. She’s single now. So am I. As if reading my mind, he gives me an out.

  “Let’s go clubbing tonight?” I sit down, considering the appeal. There is none. Other than getting drunk. Why not? You’re single. “Yea, let’s do it. Robert can drive. I need to get fucked… and by that, I mean drunk, Jayce.”

  He didn’t laugh, and I knew what he was thinking. I was thinking it to. There was no way in hell I could ever get her out of my soul, heart or mind. No matter what I do.

  “Luke, it will be fine. Trust me.”

  “Yea. Got to go.” I hang up before he gave me shit about Cassie, and the fact that I walked out on her. Looking out over the city again, I don’t know how my life took a fucking nosedive. How the fuck did this even happen? Fuck this! I am going out tonight and I will get fucking wasted.

  Chapter 19

  Lucien

  It’s almost midnight, and the club is filled to capacity. I am sitting in a booth with Jayce and two girls who he called over. None of them grabbed my attention. Jayce isn’t drinking as much as he normally does. He drove tonight, to give me a chance to drink. I gave Robert the night off after Jayce convinced me to let him drive. I glance at each of the fake plastic faces of the girls and bile rises to my throat. They didn’t hold a candle to Cassie. Fuck her. She lied to you. Yes, but she didn’t need a cake of make up to be beautiful and I love her. As I knock back the fifth whiskey I had been nursing for almost twenty minutes, I enjoy the burn. I need another one. The effects of the liquor are taking full effect, but I am nowhere near interested in going home with either of these girls.

  “Dude, can you look less like someone died?” Jayce leans in and talks into my ear. The thunderous glare his words earned him made him sit back and finish his drink.

  This is my weekly ritual, every Friday night since I walked out of her office, I come here with Jayce, hoping to meet some slut who will make me forget Cassie. I haven’t seen her in three weeks. Even though we work in the same building, it’s almost as if we are avoiding each other on purpose. Like two planets just orbiting, missing each other. Almost a month without her. Every night, I down half a bottle of whiskey to drown her from my mind, the ache and the frustration of not being with her. It still hurts. How the fuck can it still hurt? She’s in every part of me, like a drug in my veins. I am barely alive, not even recognizing myself.

  “I need a piss.” My announcement earns me a few stares as I get up and walk through the crowd of sweaty bodies, that’s when my skin prickles. I feel her. My eyes roam the crowd and land on her at the bar. I watch her knock back a shot and call for another. She’s drunk. Fuck! I did this! No, I didn’t, she did it. She fucking lied to me. There’s no way I can ever be with her. It’s over. Why do I care? Without another thought I spin on my heel and make my way to the toilets. It’s none of my concern what she does, it’s over between us. That’s a fucking lie and you know it. You will never be rid of her.

  As soon as I walk back out of the restroom, I glance at the bar again. I can’t help my eyes searching her out. It’s like my heart and body have a mind of their own. My heart on the other hand is still so in tune with her. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to go to her. What the fuck is wrong with you Verán? She’s not some fucking magic pussy. On the other side of the bar, just out of her line of sight, I call the barman. Another whiskey is what’s needed, I place my order while I watch her. She’s downing shots like they will wash away her sins, I recognize it, because I am doing the same. She could get hurt. My inner turmoil is ripping me in two. I can’t be with her, but I don’t want any other man near her. She will move on, but the thought of it makes me want to kidnap her, lock her up in a room so no other man can come near her.

  When she turns to the bar again, some fucking asshole steps up behind her. As soon as he leans in my whole body explodes with anger. She laughs, her head drops back and his lips are on her neck. My white knuckle grip on the squat tumbler is dangerously close to shattering it. I make my way to Jayce. “I need your help.” My voice comes out as a low growl. He glances up and my expression has his immediate attention. The blonde bimbo sitting on his lap eyes me curiously.

  “Hey sugar, wanna have some fun?” The bimbo tries to touch me and I turn to glare at her.

  “Get the fuck away from me!” My harsh growl sends her running on four inch heels.

  “What the fuck are you doing?”

  I turn to face Jayce again, “Fuck off. I need your hel
p.”

  “What?” Knocking back the whiskey I just ordered, I pull Jayce up by his arm.

  “I need you to take Cassie home.” The words are out of my mouth before I can rethink this.

  “What do you mean?” He looks as confused as I am.

  “She’s at the bar, and really drunk. Please Jay? I can’t let her get hurt.” I turn to him. My gaze is pleading and I realize he’s not sure if this is a good idea.

  “What? More than you hurt her?” His words cut through me, he always had a way of making me realize the truth in his words. In my actions. I nod.

  “Yea.” I don’t know if he heard me, over the loud music. A small nod is all he gives me. He leaves me standing there helpless to do anything. I watch him walk over to the bar. Cassie was swaying to the music. That fucker is still pawing her, just as Jayce reaches her, I calm. When she spins to face him, her smile lights up the room. My heart is being ripped into shreds. I did this. This was my choice. I order another drink, and down it in one gulp. The only thing I enjoy is the burn, I close my eyes and turn around. I make my way outside to get a cab. I didn’t need to see my best friend take the girl I love home.

  Out on the sidewalk, I hail a cab. Jayce has been spending a lot of time with Cassie, he says nothing has happened, I don’t doubt it. I know he will tell me if it did, he likes her. It’s obvious she wants him too. She deserves him, she needs someone to care for her. Too bad that can’t be me. Maybe it can? No! It can’t.

  Cassandra

  “Another one!” I yell over the noise. The music was pulsating through me, I needed to dull the ache inside me. I didn’t want to see or hear anything that would bring back the memory of him walking out of my office door. Yes, it’s been three weeks since he did, but the fucking pain won’t go away. The barman pours another shot, at this stage, I am not sure what I am drinking. There’s a guy talking to me, but I don’t care. Turning to him I give him a small smile. When I face the barman, grabbing my drink I knock it back. I have lost count on how many of these I have had so far. A few. Maybe five. Who cares? Lucien won’t care. That’s the only person who matters. No. He doesn’t. He ripped me apart. The pain in my chest tightens and I grab the next shot.