This Is 35

by Stacey Wiedower

  She waited. His voice strained, he took the cue. "What?"

  "I want you to be there with me. In fact, I've already bought your plane ticket. Can you please take a couple days off work?"

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  A Sea of Piranhas

  March 19, two months, three weeks to thirty-five

  With the studio lights blazing and Erin's stage makeup a mask that felt like it could melt off at any second, everything suddenly became real. The past few months—a whirlwind of bucket lists, wedding disasters, sexual assaults, marital angst, and public backlash—crashed onto her shoulders with blunt force. And it was happening on live national television where she was about to be tried for a crime she didn't commit.

  With the format of the show, she'd have only moments to defend herself.

  The YOLO finale followed the same general format as other reality TV shows she'd watched through the years. Survivor, The Bachelor, The Amazing Race. During this prime-time network hour, cast members from the season came together with the host and got a few seconds or a few minutes each to discuss their roles, their individual story lines, and their outcomes from the experience while a montage of scenes from the season played on a big screen behind them.

  The cast members and segments that made the most impact would get the most play, and the episode would be fast-paced. Erin figured her role as quasi cast member and viewer bait would give her a decent amount of airtime.

  Jarvis was over the moon at the splash her story had made on social media. She'd seen him this afternoon for the first time since production wrapped, but she couldn't stand to be around him long. She also saw Joey, who apologized that he hadn't known to warn her. He hadn't seen her footage either, Jarvis clearly savvy enough to keep the secret from Erin's closest confidant on staff. Now Jarvis, Joey, and the others who had come were tucked away, out of sight in the behind-the-scenes rooms and corners of the set, where Erin usually was on this night and where she wished she was right now.

  They were minutes from airtime, and Erin knew the drill.

  More than a third of tonight's show would center on the most exciting stories. Without actually knowing, Erin figured the cast members who would get the most play would be Carsyn Caro, of skydiving and midwifery fame, Lucas Blakeney, who'd interestingly shown up at the set with Amish Amber, who was dressed in contemporary clothes and wearing more makeup than Erin, and Eric Armistead, who'd gained an army of support from the LGBTQ community and become an overnight internet sensation after coming out in last week's episode.

  The crew had just powered down the megastrength air conditioners which roared overhead whenever the cameras weren't rolling, churning out blasts of frigid air to balance the effect of the hot studio lights. It never worked—studio sets were either freezing or sweltering, no in between. The light wasn't on yet, meaning cameras weren't rolling, so Erin squinted to try to see the studio audience. It was no use—the overhead lights were too bright.

  She was on the first row of participants, at the end farthest from Greg's interview chair. With her new haircut (which Mia had touched up yesterday morning), her carefully chosen, Sherri-approved ensemble (a pale green floral dress paired with strappy sandals and a lilac pedicure), and her carefully painted face (compliments of a set makeup artist), Erin had to admit she looked glamorous—not at all like her everyday self. It was like being in costume.

  Which was good. It was body armor. And she needed it, considering she'd soon face an audience of potentially hostile studio guests and a TV viewership expected to surpass 1.8 million.

  And then the light flashed on, and a hush fell over the studio, and Erin couldn't feel her lips. Her entire body went numb—it was worse than her first live national interview, a TODAY segment where she'd been blindsided by the appearance of her ex-boyfriend Noah and his girlfriend Amelia.

  That interview had turned out to be fun. Erin waited for that same charge of excitement to hit, but she could tell it wasn't coming, not today. There was too much on the line. She plastered on a smile as the camera panned across the two rows of cast members, seated bleacher style in vague order of importance to the season.

  She tried to listen to Greg's monologue over the foghorn blaring in her head. He was giving an overview, and her ears pricked when he said her name. She licked her teeth and smiled wider.

  "…Erin Crawford, who's been with YOLO since season one as a producer and cocreator. Erin lives her life according to a bucket list, and when we asked her to get out from behind the cameras and come on-screen to inspire more viewers, she graciously agreed."

  Erin could feel the cameras zooming in, and everything inside her changed. The nerves didn't disappear, but suddenly she was feeding off of them, as if gaining strength from her own weakness. She gazed defiantly at the camera closest to her, a monstrous rolling number.

  For reasons beyond her understanding, she was good at this. And now that her on-camera autopilot had finally, mercifully taken over, she felt more like herself. Her brain moved at a million millimeters per second as she processed Greg's words.

  "How was it being on this side of YOLO's lens, Erin?"

  Her eyes narrowed. "Well, you tell me, Greg." She laughed, and it felt surprisingly genuine. "I was waiting with as much suspense as everybody else to see what I was going to do next."

  The audience, which rumbled with a low murmur when Greg pointed her out, broke out in startled laughter. Greg looked nonplussed.

  "Right," he said slowly. "And the rest of us can't wait to hear more." He shifted his gaze to her left. "Eric," he said. "Eric, Eric, Eric. You stunned an entire country with that heartfelt admission last week. What more can you share with us about that night? How has it changed your relationship with your mom?"

  A few audience members broke out in whoops and catcalls as Erin worked to keep her expression composed. Greg had mad skills as an interviewer—he'd managed not only to divert attention from her confrontational answer, but also to keep everybody on the edge of their seats, including her.

  He was trying to unnerve her. He was very good at it.

  Greg circled the participants with the ease of someone who'd done three seasons worth of this already, managing to give each cast member a share of the spotlight while controlling the conversation expertly so their answers fit into neat, commercial-friendly pockets of time. He spent extra time on Lucas—the audience was dying to know what had happened off camera with Amber and her dad, Big Charles. And of course, the TV audience didn't know Amber was actually sitting in the studio. Greg looked like he might burst with that news the whole time Lucas was talking.

  "I thought he was going to kill me, man. I really did. That night after Thaddeus saw us in the barn and ratted us out at the table, I thought Charles was gonna pick up that platter and beat me unconscious." The audience tittered.

  "But obviously you're here, so you're still alive. What about Amber? Have you seen her since you left the settlement?"

  "Well, actually…" Lucas stood up while Greg watched with an earsplitting grin. "C'mon up here, baby."

  Amber rose from her spot in the fourth row and tottered down a side aisle of the studio to make her way onstage. Carsyn Caro edged over to make room for her, and everybody else on their row, Erin included, scooted down a little bit till they were all scrunched in together, arms touching. Amber sat with a flounce, making a show of straightening her ruffled skirt. She wore a skintight fuchsia top with a deep V-neckline that highlighted ample cleavage and high-heeled sandals that laced up her calf. She looked about as Amish as a vampire looks tan.

  On the screen behind them, a montage of scenes played from Lucas's time on Amber's family's farm, including everybody's favorite scene, the one that had been YouTube'd and meme'd and Facebook shared the most—the one where Amber's little brother Thaddeus announced to the whole family that he'd seen Amber and Lucas "do the woo-woo" in the barn. The studio audience howled, and Greg had to shush them before he could ask more questions.

  He made a show of look
ing Amber up and down—only allowable because this was not a normal social setting. "Toto, you're not on the chicken farm anymore."

  Amber laughed in a high-pitched, childish giggle that sounded younger than her twenty-one years. Lucas, by the way, was thirty-nine. "Nope, I've flown the coop."

  "Any future plans in the works?"

  "Yes, I want to go to college." She fluttered her eyelashes down and bashfully lifted her left hand. "Oh, and…"

  A rock almost as thick as her finger gleamed as it caught the lights. The audience gasped and then sounded a collective "Awww…"

  Greg eyed Lucas. "And you managed to get her father's blessing?"

  "Not yet," he said with a determined nod. "But I'm going to."

  "He's still dreaming up impossible goals, folks." Greg flashed his megawatt TV host smile into the camera, and the audience laughed. "Coming up after the break, we swing it back to Erin Crawford to learn more about what it was like to come out from behind the cameras and make her reality TV debut."

  Erin jumped at the sound of her name and plastered on a smile, knowing the camera would flash to her reaction. The audience's reaction was more telling. A murmur rippled through the crowd. A few people snickered. She thought one person hissed.

  She steeled her spine and sat up straighter, smiling sweetly at Greg. Here it comes. It was a genius move on his part, setting it up before the break to make her sweat it out and wait. She hadn't been able to get a word out of Jarvis about the questions Greg would ask her tonight. She knew from past seasons that cast members weren't prepped before interviews, especially on the live show. Putting them on the spot was more likely to result in great TV.

  But she had a good idea of what he'd ask…or rather, what he'd do. She was fully expecting more of the "first year of marriage is so hard" garbage he'd spouted in his voice-overs during the season.

  As soon as the light was off, an assistant rushed over with a chair for Amber so she could remain onstage next to Lucas without crowding or blocking the other cast members. When the countdown started offstage, Erin licked her teeth again and braced herself.

  Music swelled in the background and then hit a somber note as the screen flitted through a medley of scenes all focused on Erin's disappointment at Ben's repeated no-shows. Erin watched on the small screens facing them at the front of the sound stage since she couldn't swivel in her seat. Greg peered at the big screen behind them, waiting for his moment. Before the medley ended, a scene played with sound—the interview where Erin explained that she and Ben were completing her 35 by 35 list together. And then it culminated with a montage of wedding scenes, ending with the shot of Erin crumpled on the ground, devastated at the wreckage of the day.

  "So. Erin." Greg looked at her with humor in his eyes…humor she didn't trust for a second. "You've had quite a run. I guess that's to be expected. It was your bucket list that launched the show, your adventures that have spawned almost three hundred adventures over four seasons by forty other YOLO contestants, and that's just so far." He paused while those numbers sank in.

  A few audience members—Erin's lone cheerleaders—clapped from the studio seating. She nodded, pressing her lips together and waiting.

  "How many goals have you completed now from your own bucket lists?"

  "I'm on number sixty-two."

  At this, the claps from the audience grew a little louder. She even got a few whoops and catcalls. This was the way this was supposed to go, she thought. These were the things she was supposed to be asked about. She hadn't signed up for the rest of it. This knowledge gave her courage.

  "Tell everybody why you do it, why these bucket lists are important to you. Any wisdom you can impart from your ongoing adventures?"

  Erin thought fast. "Well, Greg, yes," she said. "Life moves fast. Way too fast. I looked up one day and realized I was almost thirty years old, and I hadn't really lived. I was just sort of drifting. I wanted to start really experiencing things, to do things that mattered. And so I decided to do thirty somethings. And then thirty-five more." She looked thoughtfully into the camera lens. "I will always have a list. I've lived more in the last six years than I had in my entire life up to that point."

  "And while doing that, you found someone to share your life with. Which was one of the goals on your first bucket list, isn't that right?"

  "Actually, it was a goal to find someone for Ben to share his life with," Erin joked. "I didn't realize when I made the list that that someone would be me." She laughed, and the audience laughed along with her self-consciously—as if they wanted to like her but just weren't sure if they were supposed to or not.

  Even as she laughed, she grew more tense. The second Greg brought up Ben, she braced herself, knowing he didn't have much time for whatever bombshell question he was planning. With commercial breaks it was only about a forty-two minute show, and he still had the back row of cast members to interview.

  "Bringing us into your wedding was great. I haven't seen that much tension at a wedding since Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids." The audience chuckled again, along with several of Erin's fellow cast members. The clapping was louder this time. "So tell us," Greg said, leaning closer, "how has it affected your marriage, Ben having to share you with the show, and you having to share him with his job?"

  Erin echoed his body language, angling her torso toward his and jutting her chin slightly forward. "I suppose by that you mean, who was that guy I was dancing with, and why was I grinding up against a man who wasn't my husband?"

  At this, the audience went nuts. There were whoops. There was clapping. There was one long, low whistle. And laughter. Lots of laughter. Erin smiled defiantly as Greg's eyes gleamed.

  "You said it, not me." He wore a calculated TV host smirk, but Erin could see it masked panic that he was losing control of the interview. As he grasped for another question, she beat him to the punch.

  "Well, Greg. You know perfectly well who it was, having seen all his camera footage." Erin looked from Greg straight into the camera and then made a show of looking right and left, holding a hand above her eyes to shield them from the bright studio lights. "He's probably around here somewhere. Leo, your crew filming tonight?"

  The crew tripped over itself for several seconds, and then one of the camera guys up front swiveled his giant lens to catch a wide-eyed Leo on a camera ledge in the back left corner of the studio. Leo gave a little wave. Greg made a minuscule gesture with his hand that meant "Cut."

  When the cameras were back on her, and knowing she had only seconds before Greg wrested back control, Erin said, "Leo, my field producer, rigged that shoot so I would dance with him instead of Ben. There is absolutely nothing going on between us, but he knew how it'd make things look." She glanced toward the back of studio and called out, "Go ahead, and deny it, Leo."

  The cameras cut to him again, and Leo shrugged but didn't look upset. His eyes twinkled, and Erin knew, just knew, that he was proud of her for hijacking Greg's monologue—for doing what he was essentially paid to do, manipulating. He hadn't spent three seasons filming Kardashians for nothing.

  "All right, all right." Greg narrowed his eyes at her. "Is your husband here tonight?" Erin could tell from the sarcastic note in his voice that he thought the answer was no. She was thrilled. She hadn't expected such an easy cue.

  "Actually, he is." She looked right and made a "come here" gesture with her hand. Ben quietly emerged from backstage and sauntered toward her, his hands in his pockets to hide his nervousness.

  She'd smuggled him into the studio with the help of Rishi, who'd promised to keep him out of sight until the right moment. Erin had called Rishi just before the trip to explain her side of the story. She'd picked Rishi because she knew she'd be there, first of all, but also because as the only happily married crew member, Rishi would understand. Erin knew it, and she'd been right.

  As Ben approached the bleachers, the cast members in Erin's row scrunched together again so he could squeeze in beside her. The audience, after another surpris
ed rumble, laughed and clapped.

  "Glad you could make it," Greg said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

  "Me, too. Figured I'd better take this seat before somebody else beat me to it." He glanced up toward the rear wall of the studio where Leo was in shadow, and the audience howled. Erin squeezed Ben's hand, so proud of him she felt like she could burst. This was her deal, not his. Ben hated the spotlight.

  "Well played," Greg said, nodding to Erin. She could see the humor deep in his eyes.

  "And now let's move on," he said, snapping back into plastic TV host mode. "Fabian, I've gotta tell you, man. That TED Talk was fascinating. How has it affected your career?"

  Erin felt all the pressure escape from her body at once—a tire popping on a hot desert highway. But she had to hold herself together because the cameras were still rolling, and she was still on the front row. Inside, she filled back up to bursting. Ben had shown up. When it really mattered, he was there for her. Just like he'd always been there for her. Just like he'd always be there for her, and her for him.

  So he hadn't wanted to believe that Melody was out to destroy their marriage. So what? He was trusting. It was one of the things Erin loved about him. So he hadn't wanted to turn Melody in for her behavior? He was compassionate. He didn't want Melody to lose her job.

  So he'd lied to Erin about that first night in Minnesota? Well, she'd lied too about her discomfort over Leo. Lied by omission, at the very least. And look what it had almost cost her.

  As Greg turned the audience's attention to another montage, this one playing key scenes from the season while the cameras zoomed intermittently between the screen and close-ups of the cast members, Erin vowed that after tonight, all the drama, all the scandal, all the secrets that had stood between her and Ben's happiness these last few months was over. She wouldn't let anything come between them again. Because in the future, her goal—her lists—would be very different. Not focused outward on what the world had to offer. Focused inward. On her home. On her husband and her family. Her family-to-be.