Can I Have It All

by Anuranjita Kumar

  Clearly the stress of the drama at the Dubai Airport played on my health and after landing in Mumbai my blood pressure shot up. After a thorough check-up my doctor decided to keep me in the hospital till the blood pressure stabilised. However a week later, she felt some complications were creeping in and hence, it was suggested that I go in for a premature caesarean section.

  Sid arrived a month earlier and was a tiny baby. As a mother, I had feelings of joy coupled with guilt. I felt maybe my dedication to work and consequent travel may have triggered his premature birth, and for a long time to come I had to work on my thought process to assuage these feelings, which was difficult indeed.

  On a positive note, my second maternity experience was easier and extremely joyful but I was on a huge learning curve again given it was a boy this time. Well-trained by my first baby, initially I thought I was better prepared; however, I soon realised bringing up a little boy was a much more chaotic experience than the calmer experience I had with my daughter. He was more demanding and jumpy in a few months and consumed a lot more of my physical energy. Thankfully, his father always came to my rescue when he was in one of his playful moods. This time I was even better equipped with support for two children, that enabled me to also carry out some diverse activities during maternity leave. I picked up my old hobbies and learnt a new language adding to my skills repertoire thereby using my time really well.

  Coming back to work after the second pregnancy was also much easier; I had already secured Head-of-Rewards-assignment prior to availing the maternity leave and hence commenced in that role. It was a full-on, intense assignment with multiple demands, high visibility, time sensistive work to be carried out. With a wonderful team to work with, I could pace myself on work with more hours (sometime twelve to fourteen) to fewer hours (six to eight). I was more seasoned then; I knew the stakeholders well and crafted my goals focused on deliverables while managing those relationships. This was a serious role and I was committed to deliver on it despite having two small children at home. Few things that helped me were: a great support structure at home, an understanding husband and supportive work culture.

  I did have a few challenges with some stakeholders who were not sure how long I might be willing to stay in office on certain days. Believe it or not, some even had a few questions on whether I could work with numbers under the stress of maternity! However, my passion to work and the will to deliver did not let me get distracted.

  My takeaways from these experiences across all three crossroads have been to keep focus on the BIG picture. Don’t give up in the short run. Keep yourself motivated with the bigger picture: just because society (and more so in Asia), gives women the permission to choose between career and home, we should not succumb to the social pressure of an autocratic decision while faced with issues at home or at work. Would your husband do the same? If he would – how would you feel about that? I think it is imperative that we be respectful about such choices and continue to strive to fulfil our career aspirations if that is an important dimension of our life. Having a choice should let you bounce much higher, take bigger risks and make you less conservative. Keeping sight of the big picture of your life and where career fits, in will help you think clearly. Refelcting back to what I stated earlier, think about what would happen after the children are all grown-up, and your husband gets busier by the day.

  More importantly, these crossroads in my life made me realise that there is nothing like a superwoman. A superwoman is a myth! Having been through maternity twice over, I have realised that all mothers wish to do the best for their children. We, as a wife and mother, can drive ourselves to the edge about what we did right or did not, when it comes to home, childrens food, bath and play time, development, and education. Over thinking this as a working mother, some of these aspects can also be detrimental to you apart from the child and his/her dependence on you. Let your extended family be a part of their upbringing. Let things flow their course. Likewise, stop driving yourself hard at work as you are dealing with a big change at home in the three ‘M’s – Marriage, Mobility and Maternity. Be kind to yourself by prioritising tasks in various focus areas in different parts of your life and get that sorted first, rather than taking on a lot more. Gauge your capacity, your support at work and home and then shoot for success in areas that feel more doable. Be upfront on this plan with family and at work. And I would quote Margaret Mead here, Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.’

  SUMMARY

  A lot has been said and written about self-discovery and self-belief that provides conviction of purpose. But how many times do we really pause to just introspect and question the ‘why’ of any decision we take? It is unfortunate that sometimes, for women, the three ‘M’s almost always come with an unquestioned decision of foregoing one’s career. When faced with a tough situation, especially one rooted in stereotypes and social norms, I urge you to consider the following:

  – Respect your own CONVICTION to follow your dream, DON’T GIVE UP. Remember, there are many out there who are going through what you are. What will differentiate you is your own belief. There is no poison as dangerous as self-doubt.

  – Believe in your capabilities and know what you want or need. This belief has to be real and unwavering. It will get further affirmed over time as one milestone leads to another and a clear path unfolds in front of you.

  – Don’t COMPROMISE on the quality of your dream but OPTIMISE the way you work with people and variables around you. A sense of self-worth and commitment to your dream promises priceless fulfilment. Don’t rush or shy away from taking on a responsibility because it looks tough. Pause, evaluate your situation and then decide. Sometimes, focusing on the next big thing itself brings together the courage to do it all.

  – There are no SUPERWOMEN, so don’t strive to be one !. Take a step at a time. Know what you want to achieve ultimately, identify your priorities and execute step by step while keeping the belief intact. Everyone goes through their share of challenges and they do pass. Let the experience of your marriage, mobility and maternity not weaken your identity but rather add a defining merit to your personality.

  3 CHOICES

  our life’s longing of who we are

  CHOICES

  ‘Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved’

  – William Jennings Bryan

  Ihave a lot of respect for people who know exactly what they are looking for and have the courage and conviction to pursue it. I admire all professionals and non-professionals, and parents who so willingly and happily give up their career to pursue what they love most, whether it be looking after their family or bringing up their children. I have friends who loved their work, but after a certain point in life, their children and family took precedence. Hence they prioritised to give more of their time and attention to family and parenthood.

  When we make a choice; there is joy of having chosen something and also the anxiety of giving up something or letting it go. I truly admire such decisions, maybe because I could not take such a path and have experienced the emotion of being somewhat torn between home and work at some points in my life. Yet I convinced myself that I could manage both career and home and continued on my sojourn. Not that I perfected either but that is what I wanted for myself and was passionate about. That is the choice I made and have lived with it happily…well, sometimes stressed!

  In my experience and interactions, there are many mothers who are at peace with the decision of being a stay-at-home mother and have thought it through carefully. Career breaks are not always an easy decision but there are clear motivators and drivers along with long-term thinking that goes into them. If it makes them happy then I am sure it keeps them going. Being a homemaker in my view is a very tough job. It is not always easy to manage home seamlessly for the family with utmost care. In such aspects, working mothers get away with some concessions. Sometimes I hear people
wondering what stay-at-home women do all day! Having seen a few of my close friends, I know it is a hard job of managing household chores, schools and family members, especially when it is not always fully acknowledged or recognised! They truly deserve a recognition which can never be summed up by insurmountable Mother’s-Day cards and flowers. They are at home because they want their family members to have a smoother life and it demands a deserving gratitude. Just because they like doing this, it should not be taken for granted. This choice should be respected.

  Then there are some mothers like me who have attempted to straddle two distinct worlds of family and work. It is a stretch, but again, it is the clarity and conviction that keeps one going.

  The third category is of women colleagues who are torn between choices. This can be fairly overwhelming for them. Often I have witnessed that in confronting family situations of care giving, their thinking gets clouded, which often leads to high-strung emotions. These emotions can be very strong and invoke a huge sense of guilt that may be tough to fight. More often, torn between a choice of family responsibilities and dream careers, a lot of such women that I have interacted with, choose family under duress rather than choice. Sometimes it is driven by lack of support structures while other times, by what they have witnessed with their mother during their upbringing. Some of them may feel that they actually do not even have a choice on this matter as it is expected from the family and there is no recourse. On the other hand, there are others who may feel compelled to work due to economic reasons. They need the money to be able to meet certain financial needs of the family to supplement their household income. In such cases, work becomes a means to sustain financial support rather than passion to pursue and realise one’s potential. It can lead to dissonance and may not provide necessary strength that is required for prusuing a successful career. These are the groups that really need support to make the right choice and more importantly making peace with their choice. Both these situations can be stressful and may need support from the organisation and families.

  CHANGE CAN BE INTIMIDATING

  A year ago, I had a team member who was doing fairly well in the organisation and then became pregnant with her first child. She was very ambitious at work and took to her pregnancy very well, looking forward to motherhood. She remained fairly certain that she did want to return to work after childbirth and we proactively discussed assignments and options. Nine months flew by and she delivered a beautiful baby daughter. Overjoyed, she spent all her six months of maternity leave with her baby, and as agreed, she returned to work after her leave to her previous role. In a few weeks I started to notice that she was a bit distracted. In one of our weekly meetings when we discussed her transition back to work, she did confess that she was very stressed as a new mother without great support at home. She was struggling to cope up and was unable to come to terms with leaving her baby with the new nanny. Additionally, she also shared that her father was not too well, which was also taking an emotional toll on her. I asked her to take it easy. But knowing her, she wanted to deliver her hundred per cent at work and also at home. Over the next few months this pursuit, had an adverse impact on her and then came a moment of reckoning where she broke down completely. Her father succumbed to his illness and passed away. Being the eldest, a huge family burden fell on her shoulders. She felt overwhelmed and completely inadequate in coping with this trauma. She felt she was not doing anything well, which led to immense dissatisfaction in her own outlook to life. She felt she was a complete failure. The only dispensable piece of this puzzle was her work even though it was her passion. When she came to resign she was almost crumbling with this dilemma. Her confidence in her own capabilities was at its lowest ebb, even though she was one of our better performers. It was very sad and disheartening for me to see someone in this state. Having seen her work for a while, I was reasonably confident that she could pull herself out of this if given some support and time. She had felt hesitant to even ask for any support or days off, as she felt guilty about having joined work just a few months back. It was disconcerting for her to be thought of as someone who was again looking for a time-off (though much needed), leading to a poor impression about her professional image. Over a few discussions, I convinced her to take leave for four months to sort out her family affairs. Without a sorted family situation, not just women, but even men find it difficult to be productive at work. In spite of being convinced, that she may not be able to juggle the two worlds of work and home effectively, she took up my suggestion. She also understood that giving hundred per cent to both the sides is an impossible task and no woman had been able to achieve it till date. So, maybe she should stop striving for this surreal goal. After three months she did call. I could tell from her happier tone that she was back to her normal, jovial self and was truly looking forward to coming back. She had genuinely needed this time-off to set things in order for her mother, her brother and of course, her one-year-old daughter. She sounded positive and full of life as we had seen her prior to this difficult period. Her mother was with her now to provide her support as well. In a few weeks, she was back to work and even pushed me to give her more challenging assignments.

  Every individual goes through these overwhelming moments. However, in cases like leaving a child at home or dealing with care-giving responsibilities for elders, some women tend to deal or react to it in a slightly more emotional way that tends to create more stress for them. More often, I see that women in these situations just need some empathy, understanding and a little breather to deal with the situation and any associated guilt that might come along. Just give them some space and time and you will find them back on their feet sooner than expected. In the above case, this lady simply felt guilty asking for a little more time-off, so much so that she decided to resign to get a hold on herself. But had she left, it would have been a loss for her and the company as well. We gave her some extended leave and she found her life back!

  Another instance I recall was of this brave young mother, Rina*, who worked with me. After a few months, over a cup of coffee, we started talking about our children and to my dismay I figured that she had left her one-year-old daughter with her parents in a far-off city. She did this to ensure that the child got good care with her grandparents while she pursued her career. However, a constant sense of guilt was killing her gradually. She was resilient, thoughtful and forward-looking, but was struggling with this situation like any mother would. We had a long chat about her circumstances and I empathised with her, knowing well how tough this must be for her. We explored options of finding a better support for child-care. She was not as happy with the quality of nannies available in the city, expressed her discomfort about child-care facilities around her and wondered what she should be doing. As we discussed this, she realised the ideal situation would be if her parents could spend some time with her in her city of residence. She promised to explore that option. After a few weeks she came back happier as she had convinced her mother to move in with her, which would mean she could spend more time with her child. This gave her the much-needed bounce and she emerged a happier individual even at work. I too felt relieved seeing Rina happy with her lovely smile back on her face.

  However, in a few months, Rina was back in my office with a fairly nervous expression on her face. Her smile had vanished again! Hoping for the best, I probed her to understand what may have transpired. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she was expecting her second child. She expressed her dilemma about how she was unsure of managing one, leave alone two, even though she had always planned to have two children. I just smiled and congratulated her, told her it was a moment to enjoy and she should not stress so much about what was going to happen. Instead, she should proactively plan for how she would manage the coming times. However, Rina looked more anxious than I thought she was and she finally told me that she was contemplating resigning from work. I could see this individual breaking apart with all this imminent change around her. Her solution was to prioritise
her family over her work. Work – which she was really good at and was core to who she was! Convinced about her potential I thought we needed to step in and help Rina, without being intrusive or imposing upon her family life. I calmed her down and requested her to review her support options, given the baby was due in a few months’ time, while we reviewed the work options. She was much younger. I had a few other senior women who had been through similar dilemmas speak to her and share the story of their journey with her. This helped her understand that it wasn’t a situation unique to her. Every mother has unconditional love for her child, which would take a priority over everything else. But there are other interests that can and should co-exist with some support, resilience and creativity. In Rina’s case, these conversations helped. She went out and convinced both her parents to move in with her, ensuring quality care for her children. At work, we agreed to put her in a role for a product specialist rather than a client facing role, which enabled her to work from home with flexible timings, from time to time. This helped Rina cope with the situation when the second baby arrived. She successfully returned to work and soon was on to a high-performing track – soaring her way on to leadership! When at work she gave her best on the job, so much so that often we had to calm her down rather than worry about her taking liberties with her time.

  Most working women go through a phase in life where they are faced with some tough choices. Some may not always know the right answer but may be pushed by family pressure. Many are goverened by strong emotions when it comes to these key decisions which can cloud their foresight. Hence sometimes these choices are not fully thought through and may get governed by thoughts and factors which may just allay anxiety and stress in the short term. But in the long run, these momentary turmoils may actually hurt them if their professional aspirations have been simply curtailed to buy peace. In some situations, women reconcile with this, while for others, it can lead to huge frustrations that can hinder their professional and personal outlook/relationships. This can take a toll on how they work through family matters as well. A little bit of support from the organisations and families goes a long way for such women to bounce back.