by Gayle Callen
Leo’s voice trailed down the corridor. “I’m the one who taught Simon to walk by himself.”
As the laughter faded away, Georgie shook her head and said to Louisa, “I need to get back to Mother and Grandmama. I think there will be open war over the plans for dinner seating. It’s so nice to meet you both,” she said to Victoria and Meriel.
Victoria watched Georgie walk away. “She seems very nice. I can see why you enjoyed working with her.”
Louisa slid her arm through her sisters’. “It’s been fun and fulfilling.”
Meriel frowned. “But…”
Louisa shook her head. “Let’s go outside. It’s a beautiful afternoon.”
Though several houseguests strolled through the garden, the sisters had the terrace to themselves. Louisa sent for refreshments, then sat on a bench between her sisters and took turns grinning at them.
“What?” Meriel said.
“I’m just so happy to see you both. And Victoria, your news is such a blessing.”
Victoria put a hand to her small stomach. “It is. Mama is thrilled. Lady Wade invited her to come this weekend, but she had already made plans to travel to Scotland with a friend.”
“She might have passed Simon’s mother on the way,” Louisa said. “Wait until you meet her.”
Victoria frowned. “You don’t sound enthused.”
“She’s not enthused about me. I’m quite positive she thinks I’m here to take advantage of her poor blind son and force him into an unwanted marriage.”
Meriel gasped. “Our reduced circumstances of last year made her think so poorly of you?”
Louisa bit her lip. She did not want to worry them by explaining the revelation of her reputation as a fast young lady.
“Papa’s death changed so many things,” Victoria said. “But we have survived and come through it for the better.”
“But it took me a long time to forgive him,” Meriel said quietly.
Louisa took a breath. “And it took me a long time to forgive myself.”
On each side of her, her sisters took her hands.
“What are you talking about?” Victoria asked in disbelief. “You have nothing to forgive yourself for.”
“I know. But…Papa used to talk to me, and after he was gone, I thought perhaps I should have seen his despair and done something to help.”
“We’ve all thought that, Louisa,” Meriel said patiently.
“But Simon made me see…” Louisa trailed off as her sisters leaned forward to give each other a knowing glance. “What?”
“What about Simon?” Victoria asked with obvious hope in her eyes.
Louisa ignored it. “When I first arrived, I thought he was in despair too, but he wasn’t. He made me realize that until someone asks for help, it’s hard to know just what they’re thinking. In the end, I don’t think any of us could have helped Papa.”
“And you had an actual discussion about such a personal topic with Lord Wade—or Simon, as you call him?” Meriel asked.
She was saved from having to answer by the appearance of little Stephen, running from the house toward the garden. Meriel came to her feet, but Georgie was right behind him.
“We’re going down to the lake to watch the race,” Georgie said. “Do you ladies want to come?”
“Race?” Louisa said.
“Leo bet Simon he could beat him in a rowing race,” Georgie said, laughing. “I told Leo he was too scrawny, and a bet was born. I think the gentlemen are already down at the lake.”
“If you don’t mind,” Meriel said, taking hold of Louisa’s arm, “we’ll watch from here.”
“I can’t see anything from here, Aunt Meriel,” Stephen said. “Can I go to the lake?”
“I’ll be with him,” Georgie added.
Meriel waved them off.
“You don’t want to watch the race?” Victoria asked. “It’s so wonderful to see Simon back to himself again.”
“There are two very handsome, eligible brothers down at that lake,” Meriel said, turning to look at Louisa.
Louisa sighed, feeling the tightness creep back into her chest.
It was Victoria’s turn to give Louisa a stare of understanding. “But Simon is the one who seems to be doing so much better. I wonder if our dear sister had an effect on him?”
Louisa planned to distract them by saying how hard Simon had worked to improve himself. But then she started to cry.
“Oh dear,” Victoria said, taking a handkerchief from within her sleeve and handing it over. “Louisa, I didn’t mean—”
“No, no,” Louisa said, waving her hands. “I told myself I wouldn’t cry, wouldn’t…Victoria, I’d like to return to London with you.”
Victoria and Meriel simply stared at her.
Louisa only wiped her eyes, fearing words would give everything away.
“You are welcome in our home any time you want,” Victoria said softly. “You know that.”
Louisa sniffed and nodded.
“Mine, too,” Meriel added. “But you have to tell us something. Your letters have been all about Georgie and her progress.”
“But always you mentioned Simon,” Victoria added. “I thought…”
“That I was foolish enough to fall in love with him?” Louisa whispered.
Meriel shook her head. “Love is not foolish.”
“It is when it’s not returned.”
“How could he not love you?” Victoria asked. “I always thought you two were so very alike.”
“So you’ve said. But while Simon has finally come to realize he can have a normal life, he doesn’t believe he could ever have a normal marriage.”
“I imagine a proud man like him would now think himself a burden to a wife,” Meriel said shrewdly.
Louisa shrugged. “I’ve even been too afraid to tell him what I think. And I don’t want him to feel guilty, so I’ve just…let him go.”
“Then he’s not worth having,” Meriel said bluntly.
But that only made the tears start again.
Victoria gave Meriel a cross look. “That is not helpful. Louisa dear, perhaps when you return to London, he’ll miss you so dreadfully that he’ll change his mind.”
“No, I think he’ll settle back into what’s easiest for him,” Louisa said bitterly. “He was doing that with the rest of his life before I challenged him. Last night I even told him I was leaving. He had the chance to ask me to stay. He didn’t.”
Meriel narrowed her eyes as she stared down at the lake. In the distance, they could see two boats racing each other across the water. “Perhaps I could—”
“No.” Louisa dried her eyes and told herself she was done crying. “I won’t let him be forced. Forget I mentioned this. I want one last good weekend here, without thinking about regrets.”
When Meriel would have spoken, Victoria reached across and touched her arm.
“We’re here for you, Louisa,” Victoria said simply.
And Louisa was grateful. She stared down at the lake, where she could see Simon’s boat far in the lead, heading away from her. She would get through these last days. The rest of her life was a blank canvas that she would someday fill, but not now, not when her heart was in pieces.
Chapter 24
Twenty people gathered for dinner that evening. Louisa was grateful for the noise and the distraction. She kept her mind off Simon by ignoring him, studying all the other guests. She was angry with herself for worrying her sisters, who kept watching her with too much revealing sympathy. She saw David frown at Simon for no reason, and wondered about what Victoria might have told him. Simon’s mother watched her as if Louisa might attempt to compromise Simon in front of everyone, just to have her for himself.
What a hollow victory that would be.
And then there was Leo. He was normally such a carefree, lazy, amusing man. But he was wearing a rather nervous expression. He kept looking at his mother, then at Simon, then at Louisa, then looking away. He tapped his fingers, sipped his
wine, but then his gaze would wander to the same three people again. What had Simon told him?
After an evening of conversation—thank God no one suggested any singing!—guests began to retire to their rooms one by one. Soon all that was left were family—Louisa’s and Simon’s. Even Paul Reyburn had stared at them all in bemusement and retired to bed.
An uneasy silence descended on the group, as if there was something hidden that no one wanted to mention. As usual, Louisa was watching Simon, knowing every moment was precious. He seemed distracted, too.
Leo rose to his feet and began to pace, drawing all eyes. He ran a hand through his hair, looked at them all, opened his mouth, then fell to pacing some more.
“Leo, you’re wearing out my carpet,” Lady Wade said gently. “Do tell us what’s bothering you.”
He put his hands on his hips, then looked directly at Louisa. “Ever since my mother arrived, Louisa, she’s made it a point to remind us what a bad opinion she has of you.”
There were gasps from several of the women. Louisa blanched, hating the way every gaze in the room settled on her. Why would Leo speak so forthrightly?
”Leo!” his mother cried, aghast. “I never—”
“Be quiet, Mother,” he said tightly.
From his chair, Simon spoke in a low voice. “I don’t know what you think your purpose is, Leo, but I suggest—”
“Just listen,” Leo said harshly. “God, this isn’t easy.”
Louisa stared between an angry Simon and an overwhelmed Leo. Meriel and Victoria wore wide-eyed, confused stares. Of course they didn’t know anything about the rumors, so Louisa offered them a hesitant shrug.
Only Lady Wade gave Leo an encouraging smile. “Go on, dear.”
“So I’ve been thinking that Louisa is stuck with this terrible reputation she didn’t deserve.”
“Reputation?” Meriel demanded.
But Louisa could only stare at Leo. “What are you saying?”
“I didn’t think there was anything I could do to make it better, so I’ve waited. But that didn’t work either.”
“Leo, it’s not your place—” Simon began.
“Just be quiet!” Leo’s hair now stood on end from his nervous fingers. “There’s one thing I can offer, and that’s the truth.”
The murmurs died away, leaving an expectant silence. Louisa stared hard at Leo. “Go ahead,” she said, feeling strangely calm.
“It’s my fault, all of it.” Leo sprawled into a chair, staring at the floor. “I was a drunken fool—you know that better than anyone, Louisa.”
She couldn’t miss the way Simon stiffened. Quickly, she said, “Leo, that was several years ago. All you did was try to persuade me to dance. And you were a little forward about it.”
“I even chased you down a hall,” he said glumly. “My friends knew we’d disappeared together.”
A chill slithered down her back. “We weren’t together,” she said slowly.
“They thought we were. They thought—” Leo grimaced and swallowed, then finally met her eyes. “They thought you had let me kiss you. And when they congratulated me, I let them think it.”
Her jaw dropped.
“I was a coward, and I enjoyed being the center of attention. It’s my fault that some men believe you fast; it’s my fault that my mother has a poor opinion of you; it’s my fault that Simon—”
“Shut up, Leo,” Simon said, coming to his feet. He had his cane held low before him, and he took only two steps before it caught on the table between him and his brother.
Ellen sniffed. “He was young. He didn’t mean—”
“Mother!” Leo said, also standing. “I did a reprehensible thing. To my shame, there’s nothing I can do except apologize.” He looked at Louisa sincerely. “And I deeply apologize, Louisa. I did not see how my actions would someday affect you. Can you forgive me?”
Louisa stood, embarrassed that her reputation was out in the open before her family. But everyone—except Ellen, who sulked—regarded her with compassion and understanding.
And it was enough. She looked at Leo, who still watched her with anguish. “I forgive you, Leo. We’ve all been young and foolish before.”
“Foolish?” Simon said, still focusing his anger at his brother. “He cost you so much.”
Leo looked away.
“But I know the truth now,” Louisa said, “and I will be the better for it. Some things hurt worse than others. I will go on.”
Simon took a deep breath, and she regretted her words immediately. She hadn’t meant to hurt him—or maybe she had. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You have nothing to apologize for, my dear.” Lady Wade still reclined across her chaise lounge, looking unperturbed. “I am disappointed in Leo, it is true. But he was incorrect when he said that he could only apologize. In fact, he can make everything right again. Leo can marry you, Louisa, and restore your reputation.”
As gasps echoed around them, Louisa and Leo stared at each other in shock. Her thoughts were awhirl as, for just a moment, she actually considered it. But how could she possibly remain close to Simon, loving him as she did, and not have him? She didn’t love Leo. She’d be imposing a chasm between the brothers that might never be crossed.
Simon seemed frozen in the center of the drawing room. She couldn’t read his expression, but he didn’t protest. Did he think she would actually marry his brother? Why wasn’t he saying anything?
But Leo’s shoulders were back, his head lifted, and he was beginning to look resolute. As if he were considering the crazy idea.
Ellen recognized his expression and raised both hands in panic. “Leo, you didn’t tell anyone that you kissed her. You never lied; you don’t have to do this.”
Leo rolled his eyes. “Be quiet, Mother.”
In his own dark world, Simon could feel people all around him, but in many ways, he was alone. The thought of Louisa marrying someone else—marrying Leo—seemed incomprehensible. Simon was in love with her.
But didn’t she deserve happiness? Wouldn’t she be better off with a normal marriage to a sighted man?
Someone gently squeezed his arm, and for a moment, he didn’t know who it was. Then he remembered Georgie, who’d been sitting beside him. Was she trying to give him strength to accept what he couldn’t change?
Or strength to take his life back? How could Louisa be happier with Leo than with him?
“Louisa, you can’t be considering this,” he said suddenly, forcefully. “You are not marrying anyone but me.”
He heard whispers and murmurs and gasps, and his mother trying to speak, but being hushed.
What was Louisa’s reaction? God, if only he could see her. Did she think he was proposing out of collective family guilt?
“Louisa, come here,” he said.
He smelled the sultry scent of her a moment before her skirts swished against his legs. He let his cane drop, oriented himself by running his hands up her trembling arms, then cupping her face.
He felt her tears, wet against his fingers, and a great relief went through him. “I love you, Louisa. I’ve never met anyone with your compassion and your gift for helping people. I’d still be in my own private hell of a cave but for you. I’m done living my life by what other people think. My love isn’t about gratitude. It’s very selfish and demanding and will only be appeased if you never leave my side again.”
Her cheeks lifted in a smile and she put her hands on his waist. “I love you, Simon, and I would be proud to be your wife. You see inside me where others only see what they want to see. You make me feel so precious and loved.”
“Not damn near enough, and that will end right now.” He drew her into his arms and kissed her. She responded with the unabashed passion he so loved about her.
A man cleared his throat. “This is a lovely display,” Leo said dryly, “but you’re making a mockery of my grief, Simon.”
Louisa laughed against Simon’s lips and broke the kiss, though he wouldn’t let her
leave his embrace.
“Leo,” she said, “I can see very well how relieved you are.”
Suddenly they were surrounded by people wishing them well, by laughter and pats on the back and kisses from Louisa’s happy sisters. Georgie hugged him about the neck so hard he had to pry her away to breathe. His grandmother, sounding like she might be crying, announced that the house party had turned into an engagement celebration.
Through it all, Simon held on to Louisa, and knew that for the rest of his life, they had each other to light the darkness.
Epilogue
Derbyshire
1846
Louisa came into their bedroom and saw Simon in his usual chair by the window, holding their infant son. As always, the love on his face brought tears of joy to her eyes. She had never imagined she could be so happy, so fulfilled, so in love.
Simon lifted his head. “Louisa?”
“Yes?”
“Is your newest young student settled in?”
“Yes, but I’m afraid she’s feeling rather shy.”
“Then don’t start your lessons by telling her about the conversations of rakes.”
She smiled. “I won’t. I’ve learned my own lesson. I left the girl with Georgie to cheer her up.”
“A fate worse than death—nothing but talk of wedding plans twenty-four hours a day.”
“Georgie can restrain herself,” Louisa insisted, though inwardly she doubted it.
He shook his head. “Come here.”
She went and sat on the arm of the chair, leaning against her husband’s shoulder, looking at the precious innocence of their sleeping baby.
“I still can’t believe how lucky I’ve been,” Simon said softly.
The baby arched lazily, and opened his mouth in a tiny yawn. As usual, Louisa couldn’t resist stroking the soft skin of his little hand.
“How lucky we’ve been,” she corrected him.
“I already know you’re lucky,” he said, grinning. “How could you not be?”
“Simon!”
His laughter faded into the sweet smile she’d come to adore. “But I’m lucky. All those months ago when I went blind, I thought my life as I knew it was over. Although I was right, who would have guessed that my new life would be more rewarding than anything that came before it? You did that for me.”
