Safe With Me, Special Edition

by Shaina Richmond

  I pushed the exit door open and walked inside the parking deck. I thought about taking a second to kiss her but, with the way I wanted her, I was afraid that kiss would turn into something that might get us arrested. I needed to get her alone, quickly.

  Susie squeezed my hand and looked up at me. I almost felt like I could read her mind... almost. There was something sad in her expression. It gave me a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or maybe it was just my paranoia that she'd soon find out how much I messed up while she was gone. It made me sad to think about losing her after I'd finally made progress.

  I wish it was possible to rewind the entire week and start over.

  We were finally at my car. The familiar smile I loved spread across her face as I unlocked the passenger side door to let her in.

  I slid inside the car and turned my body to face her. She instantly lurched forward, kissing me hard as her fingers dug into the back of my shirt. My arms wrapped around her so tight I was afraid I might hurt her. But if she was in pain from my aggressive grip, she sure didn't sound like it. She made noises I'd never heard from her before. Painful, happy, frustrated... I couldn't tell for sure.

  Finally, I pushed myself away from her. “Sorry.”

  I was at a loss for words. I wanted her to somehow read my mind. ‘I need to start the car so I can take you home and show you how much I missed you.'

  She said nothing, instead looking out the windshield at a guy who had apparently been staring at us while we kissed. She smiled and gave him a little wave. He shook his head and waved back before walking on.

  A minute later we rode down the street heading to her house. “Sorry about Michael back there,” I said.

  “It's okay. He's just being Michael.”

  I stopped at an intersection and turned my head to give her a quick glance. She stared back at me.

  “Hey beautiful,” I said.

  “Hey gorgeous. It's so hard to keep my hands off you.”

  I looked back at the street in front of me and groaned inside as I stepped on the gas. It was only a few more blocks but the seconds crept by like years. I had no preconceived notions about what to do with her when I got her alone that day. Usually I went to her house with some kind of idea of where to start.

  Shit, I hope none of those guys tells her what I said.

  All of a sudden I had a bad feeling about Joan. For the past few days she'd been acting different and I didn't know why. It was almost like this surge of confidence had overcome her usual whiny self. I had a feeling she was just hormonal. Would Susie care that I danced with Joan so much on Friday night? I only did it because I was drunk enough to dance and I knew Joan was pretty safe, unlike some of the other girls who seemed ready to pounce on me at the bar.

  I went out drinking with my new friends three times over the break. It was nice to finally have the college experience I'd wanted for so long. I just wished Susie had been there. But it didn't matter. She was with me now. In my car – now. I wasn't taking her back to her house to be gentle with her like I was before she left. I planned to make it hard for her to walk for a while.

  I thought back to Friday night again. As I turned down more than one drunken student making her way toward me on the dance floor, I wondered what Susie was doing at the very same time. Was she somewhere dancing with some guy? Did some asshole have his hands all over her? Or worse? Was she using those damned condoms I found in her bag?

  Why do my thoughts always go back to that?

  Forget all the other shit. Mafia wife theories, John Denver songs, drunken confessions, Joan being weird. Nothing kept those fucking condoms out of my mind.

  Would it have been better if I hadn't gotten nosy that night? I'd thought about it a million times. Would I really feel any better if I hadn't opened her bag and snooped around?

  Stop being a bitch, Tyler!

  I thought back to what Monica said a few weeks earlier. Jacinda said the same thing to me on Saturday.

  It's just a normal part of falling in love.

  I never cared enough to be jealous before, or to obsess about a girl like I had Susie.

  We were finally at her house. As I ran up the path through her front yard I made a decision to push all those thoughts out of my head and think about nothing but welcoming her back to Lockwood in the best way possible.

  She opened the door. A familiar smell wafted out at me.

  “You smokin' weed in here?” I asked.

  She giggled. “Had to do something. Helps with my jet lag.”

  Ahhh... an admission - an allusion to a flight she hadn't told me about.. a flight I must pretend not to know about. “Jet lag? You flew somewhere?”

  “Now's not the time.” Susie slammed the door behind me and turned the deadbolt. “So, where do you wanna do this?”

  “Downstairs bedroom.”

  “Okay!” She laughed and ran off to the bedroom. I ran after her.

  I loved that big house and all its options. The downstairs bedroom had quickly become one of my favorites. It was conveniently located within close proximity of both the front door and the kitchen.

  But as I ran past the kitchen on my way to the bedroom I saw the big leather bag sitting on the kitchen table. The gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach returned.

  Susie had already slid her jacket off, casually tossing it onto the floor. She turned toward me. “I really missed you.”

  “I missed you, too. I missed you so much.” I put my arms around her and kissed her deeply. My hands started out in the small of her back but found their way up to her hair.

  A few minutes earlier I couldn't stop thinking about pounding the hell out of her, but having her alone right then, especially with the horrible nervous feeling in my stomach, made me want to take my time and be more gentle. I felt so bad for betraying her. I wanted to apologize, even if she didn't realize that's what I was trying to do.

  As my fingers massaged the back of her head, her kiss became heavier... hungrier. It reminded me of the last night we were together. And it made me feel even worse for blabbing her secrets to everyone.

  Damn it. I know it's gonna get back to her. And she'll never trust me again.

  This woman was so fucking precious to me, and I had neglected to do the one thing she'd asked – keep her secret.

  Why the hell did I have to get drunk and tell those guys everything? It was the most stupid thing I'd ever done. I knew it would cost me this amazing woman, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was out there. No amount of kicking myself could take it away. It was just a matter of how long it would take to get back to her.

  Should I tell her myself? I feel like I'm lying if I don't. I'll always have to carry the guilt around with me.

  I thought about Corbie. He said it was her fault for keeping so many secrets, and that I only did what I did because I cared about her so damn much.

  But deep down, I knew what I did was wrong. She was right to never trust me again.

  On the other hand, what if she never finds out? What if nobody runs back to her and tells her, and the only way she finds out is a couple of years from now after she and I are already together, maybe even engaged or married. And by then we'll just have a good laugh. Maybe she'll even think it's sweet.

  No. She'll find out before then. And she'll never trust me again.

  We kept kissing, my hands weaving through her silky hair. Then I felt her fingers touch my dick through my jeans.

  Her lips froze. She backed her head away from mine. “What's wrong? You're not hard anymore.”

  I took off my jacket and threw it down on the floor next to hers. My fingers rubbed my temples.

  “What?” she asked. “Is it me? Did I turn you off?”

  “No. No, no, no.” I looked down at the floor and shook my head rapidly.

  Think, Tyler. Think.

  How could things have gone so horribly wrong? How could any amount of alcohol get me drunk enough to make such a big mistake? I swear I wanted her. The sight of her
standing there in front of me was more of a turn-on than ever, but I knew I might not ever be inside her again because I couldn't get hard while my mind was in turmoil. And I knew if I told her why I was upset, she'd never want to be with me again.

  I sat on the bed. “Look, honey, I have to tell you something. And you're really not gonna like it.”

  Susie

  October 20, 2010

  Thank God I was still kind of high.

  Tyler sat in front of me on the bed, looking up at me with his gorgeous brown eyes. He had no idea the power he held over me.

  Damn, I want him so bad. I want to be one with him... to stop the world and melt with him, like the song says.

  Okay, two hours later and I'm still really high. That must've been some good shit.

  The look on his face made me worry. Did he sleep with Kate? I was sure she threw herself at him while I was gone. Or maybe it was Joan?

  God, I hope not.

  Wow, I never realized just how beautiful his eyes are. His eyelashes go on for days... “Tyler, you’re so pretty.”

  He took both of my hands in his and smiled. “Now I can tell you’re high.”

  We both laughed for a few seconds until he got serious again. He looked down at my hands and gently massaged them with his thumbs. It felt so good, I thought about asking if he'd taken massage lessons.

  “So,” I said. “You need to tell me something?” I swallowed. I hoped like hell he hadn't given in to Kate Burnette. But I knew I had no right to be upset about it. I was the one who didn’t want to be exclusive.

  “Sit down next to me,” he said.

  Did I just imagine his voice cracking?

  I sat beside him on the bed. He let go of my hand and turned toward me.

  “There’s no easy way to say this,” he said.

  “Uh huh.”

  He inhaled slowly and closed his eyes. “I’m really sorry.”

  “For what? What happened? Who’d you sleep with?”

  Tyler’s eyes popped open. His head shook like I’d startled him from a nap. “Huh? It’s nothing like that.” He grinned. “That would’ve bothered you?”

  Shit. You have to stop leading this guy on, Susie. Stop torturing yourself.

  “Tyler,” I said, “we already talked about that. I told you it would. But...”

  “But what?”

  “What’s it matter? You’re a grown man. You can do what you want." But I didn't say I'd be happy about it.

  He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly, rubbing his temples with his fingers. “You’re the one I want, Susie. The only one.”

  Shit. Double shit. I shouldn’t have started this. What the hell was I thinking?

  I knew I was in trouble when I noticed him in the coffee shop across town. That place was full of guys with emo haircuts, all trying to be unique but all looking exactly the same. They all drank from these stupid, over-sized, pretentious coffee mugs; so boring and predictable.

  And there sat Tyler Campbell, drinking iced tea on the coldest day we’d had in months. He stuck out like a sore thumb with his broad shoulders and long dark hair, sitting at a table by himself, wearing a flannel shirt like it was 1993. It made me smile every time I thought about it.

  I knew he was as weird as me.

  “What is it?” I asked. All of a sudden I didn’t feel so high anymore. My thoughts were clearer. The sexiest man in the world sat in front of me, unable to have an erection because of something bad he needed to tell me. “Please don’t drag it out, whatever it is.” Pain. I braced myself for pain.

  “Alright.” Tyler put his hands down on the bed and turned to look at me. “I told everybody all the stuff you told me not to tell them. They started talking about you and I let myself get caught up in it.”

  “Oh.” Okay.. breathe.. breathe...

  “But there’s more. I got drunk on Saturday night and told them something else.” His tone was somber, like he needed to tell me he had terminal cancer, or worse. He leaned forward and looked deep into my eyes. “I’m really not proud of this, but I looked through your bag before you left last week - the black bag sitting out there in the kitchen. I found your passport and your airline tickets. I know you went to Canada and West Virginia. And I told those guys about it.”

  “Whoa. Really?” I thought things seemed a little out of order in my bag when I got my tickets out. But I really thought Tyler was going to tell me something happened with Kate. Or hell, with anybody. I didn't realize until then just how much it bothered me to think about him sleeping with someone else.

  “Yeah. Look, I’m so sorry.” He took both of my hands. “There’s no excuse. It was immature and stupid. It’s not even like me, really. Snooping around, then telling those guys.” He let go of my hand and hit his forehead with his palm. “All I can do is ask you to forgive me and hope you won’t hold it against me forever.”

  Normally it would have pissed me off. I had kicked plenty of people out of my life for much less than what he did.

  “It’s okay.” I put my hand on his thigh. “Really, it’s not that big a deal.”

  Tyler’s eyes opened wide. “Huh? You’re not mad at me?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “You must be really high. You’ll be mad at me later.”

  “I don't know, Tyler.” I looked down at the floor. “It came up when I called Sherry over the weekend. She said I needed to give you guys a break for talking about me because if I knew someone like me, I’d probably talk about her, too.” I wanted to say more but I started laughing too hard, thinking about my conversation with Sherry.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “I’m pretty sure it’s the weed talking.”

  I really wanted to be mad at Tyler, especially for nosing around in my personal things. But I was glad he told me about it himself.

  None of my other friends were so honest, but I wasn't stupid. I could tell what they said about me by their snickering and their inside jokes, and it hurt. I thought of them as family and they thought of me as a joke. But Sherry said she didn't think they meant any harm. She said they cared about me and were naturally curious, given all the things they'd observed over the years. I thought about telling them everything after graduation when it wouldn't matter quite so much. But then again, why should I? I didn't owe them anything.

  Still, I can’t let him get away with this, can I? But how do I pretend I’m angry when I’m not? Is he right? Is it because of the weed?

  Tyler went out of his way to snoop through my stuff because he wanted to know more about me. And for the first time in my life, it brought me comfort instead of inciting an immediate rage response.

  Oh shit.

  I’m in love with him.

  I really need that bong.

  “Hey!” I said. “Do you wanna smoke with me? I could really use it right now.”

  “Damn,” he said. “I kinda wish you were mad at me. It’d make me feel better.”

  “Well, I’m not thrilled about it, but...” I paused, trying to think of the right words. I tried to force myself to be angry but it didn’t seem possible. I couldn’t be angry at that sweet, sexy man. The man who somehow understood me and didn’t make me feel like a walking freak show. “I’m really glad you told me. Here, come on.” I took his hand and hopped off the bed.

  I have to do something, quickly... something to get rid of these feelings. I need to be numb.

  Tyler held my hand and walked with me into the living room. I went straight to the closet to get my bong.

  “I don’t know if you smoke. I’m sorry if you don’t.” I sat on the couch and lit the bowl, inhaling deeply.

  “You don’t need water in there?”

  I shook my head slowly as the bong filled with smoke. I made a mental note to explain to him later that I did not enjoy the smell of bong water all over my living room floor. It was something I had experienced one time too many. Quickly, I took my thumb from the hole and inhaled as m
uch as I could. I always held my smoke in too long because I liked how it felt.

  How did I let this happen? Did I really fall in love with some guy I just met two weeks ago? He betrayed me and I'm supposed to be pissed off.

  Come on Susie, get pissed...

  This can’t be happening.

  He looked like he was in a trance sitting next to me. I was pretty sure I freaked him out. First, by my sudden, open use of the herb. And second, by my willingness to overlook the things that grieved him so much he couldn't maintain an erection.