Safe With Me, Special Edition

by Shaina Richmond

  “So?” he said. “Does Tyler already know or something? You met him, where? At The Coffee Cup?”

  I sucked my bottom lip in between my teeth, trying to appear unaffected.

  Caleb glared at me like I disgusted him. “Does he know what you were doing over on that side of town that day? You were what, two blocks away from Troy’s apartment? I thought you had a restraining order.” He shook his head and drew in a deep breath. “You ain’t got no right to judge me, girlie. What you did to Troy was way worse than what I did to Joan.”

  I sniffled. There was no way to control it anymore. “Please don’t tell Tyler.” Large, burning tears suddenly filled my line of vision and rolled down my cheeks.

  “Aw, shit.” Caleb ran to the nightstand and picked up a box of tissues. He let his empty cup hit the floor as he ran back to me. “Fuck, Susie.” He pulled a few tissues out of the box and placed them in my hand. Before I could use them, he was already patting my face dry himself. His voice got softer. “I can’t believe I made you cry. I didn’t mean to.”

  “I... deserved... it.” My voice cracked between words. I had to inhale in short bursts to try to catch my breath. Within seconds, I was sobbing. I turned away from Caleb with tissues in each hand, holding them against my closed eyes, trying to stop the whelming flood.

  I cried like I hadn’t cried in years. The river inside me that had trickled out a little at a time for days had finally exploded. It burst right through the dam I tried in vain to build. Caleb’s questioning made me acutely aware of my true feelings. I was deathly afraid of losing Tyler, and I hated myself for it. I hated my weakness. I hated the fact that any one person had that kind of power over me.

  As I stood there bawling, Caleb put his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. He held me tight, with one hand behind my head and the other on my back. He bent his head down and pressed his cheek against mine. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m really not an asshole.”

  “It’s... okay.”

  “No, it’s not.” He held me tighter.

  “No.” I pulled away from Caleb and blew my nose. He handed me a few more tissues. “You were right.” I took a deep breath, hoping the tears would stop. “I don’t deserve Tyler. I’m a terrible person.”

  Caleb pulled me to his chest again. “Shh. It’s gonna be okay.”

  “No.” I spoke through my tears, crying louder with each word. “It’ll never be okay.”

  I felt Caleb sigh in my ear. He rubbed my back and held me in silence as I soaked his shirt. Every time I tried to inch away from him, he gently tightened his grip. We stood there in that embrace until I could finally hear the music and chatter from the living room instead of the sound of my own wailing.

  I backed away from Caleb and wiped my eyes with a tissue that was now a ball of mush in my hand. “I’m sorry about your shirt.” It was wet with black mascara streaks.

  He glanced down at his chest, then back at me with a smile. “It’s fine. That’s why they make bleach.”

  I chuckled. With his arm around my shoulders, he guided me to the bed. “Sit down, hon.” He walked to the dresser on the other side of the room. I sat still and looked straight ahead, taking deep breaths until I calmed down.

  Caleb sat down beside me on the bed. “Good thing we’re in Cyrus’ room. I’d swim in one of Tyler or Joe’s shirts.”

  I laughed when I read Caleb’s shirt. It was black with white letters that said, ‘Let’s Do the Martin Spring Twist!’

  “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, laughing.

  Caleb laughed. He looked down at the shirt and shrugged. “I have no fucking idea.”

  I sat there and laughed with Caleb. It felt like a painfully heavy weight had been taken from my chest. That is, until I remembered what made me start crying in the first place.

  “Hey,” Caleb said. He put his arm around my back. “I’m really sorry I made you cry.”

  I inhaled slowly and blew it out, trying to keep the tears from coming back. “You didn’t. It’s been happening for a while. But not like that.”

  “Well, I still feel like a jerk.” He rubbed my back. “I was only trying to look out for my boy, you know?”

  “Your boy? Troy, or Tyler?”

  “Ty.” He took a deep breath. “Girl, you did a number on Troy. He’s already a lost cause.”

  A few tears came to my eyes but it didn’t feel like the tidal wave I’d just experienced. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “Shh.” Caleb pulled me closer and laid his cheek against mine. “I know. You know I didn’t mean to hurt Joan either, right?”

  “I guess so.” I closed my eyes. Reality sunk in, giving me a new reason to be sick at my stomach. Caleb was right. He and I had a lot in common. “What happened with her, anyway? Why’d you lead her on like that?”

  He sat up and rubbed his forehead before putting his hand on top of mine. “I don’t know. I thought she knew it was casual, I guess. I’d talk about other girls in front of her all the time. I tried to give her every hint that I didn’t want anything serious but she kept coming around.” Caleb turned to me. “What was I supposed to do? Tell her to go away? It was summer and there weren’t many girls in town.” He sighed. “I know, I’m a sleaze bag.”

  “I would’ve said the same thing about you a half hour ago. I never thought about what I did to Troy.” Or Steve, or Ryan, or Dan...

  “Why’d you keep going back after you filed that restraining order? That’s what really did it, you know?”

  “Oh, Caleb.” I groaned. “He was good. He was so good. And it was wrong. I get off on ‘wrong,’ unfortunately.”

  He shook his head, chuckling. “You’re not still seeing him, are you?”

  “Nope.” I stared down at the floor. “Haven’t even tried since I met Mr. Campbell.”

  “That’s good.” He squeezed my hand. “I wasn’t sure what to do when I found out about you guys last week. At first I was happy for Ty. He needed to get some and at least I knew he was gettin’ it from a pro.”

  I chuckled. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” He smiled. “But he got a little drunk after his mom left and told me he really cares about you. That’s when I got worried.”

  “Why are you so worried about Tyler? I didn’t know you were that close.”

  “We’re not, like, best friends or anything. But he’s my roommate. That means I look out for him. I got a lot of respect for that guy. I can’t just sit around and watch him get all into some girl who might leave him devastated.”

  “Really?” I watched Caleb’s eyes as they shifted from me to the floor. Based on a gut feeling, I asked a question. “What was her name?”

  He pursed his lips and kept his eyes on the floor. “Breanna.” His tone was flat. He blinked a few times, then met my gaze.

  “She’s the reason you’re the way you are now?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Damn.” I put my hand on his leg. “I’m really sorry that happened to you.”

  “It’s okay.” He sighed. “It’s not that I’m trying to take it out on anyone. The right girl’s gonna come along someday but it’s not worth getting attached to anyone again ‘til I’m ready to settle down.”

  “I see. You’re not heartless.”

  Caleb laughed. “No. But I’m sure Joan wouldn’t see it that way.”

  “Let me ask you something. Why’d you hit on me?”

  His eyebrows furrowed. “Are you serious?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Hmm.” Caleb stared at my chest. “News flash. Horny drunk guy hits on pretty blonde with gigantic tits while dancing within inches of her at a bar. Details at eleven.”

  I groaned. “You’re a dork.”

  “Fuck, Susie. I just wanted to have some fun. I knew you weren’t with Troy anymore. Thought I might get lucky.”

  “I thought you liked those skinny little Joan types.”

  “Shit. I don’t have a type. But enough about me.” Caleb t
urned his entire body to face me as we sat beside each other on the bed. “Campbell doesn’t know that much about you, does he?”

  “Not as much as you do, apparently.” I looked straight ahead at the wall twenty feet in front of me, swallowing forcefully in an effort to divert my sudden urge to vomit when I thought of Caleb talking to Tyler.

  “Fuck, you’re white as a ghost.” Caleb stood up and ran to a rectangular black leather ottoman that was against the wall, right under the calendar where my eyes were fixed. He stuck his tongue out of his mouth as he pushed it toward me, sliding it across the carpet until it stopped below my knees.

  Caleb rubbed his upper arm like he was in pain. “Holy shit, this thing’s heavier than it looks.” I would have laughed out loud if I didn’t feel so sick at my stomach. He sat down on the ottoman. It put him just below my eye level. He took my hands in his. “Susie.”

  I closed my eyes. I had no idea where he was going with this and I was afraid to find out. His position right in front of me reminded me of all the times recently when Tyler sat down on my coffee table, taking my hands while I sat on the couch. I hadn’t really thought about it before. Tyler did that if he wanted to make a point. He’d speak to me in a gentle tone. So sweet. Sitting there with Caleb was uncomfortable.

  “Hey, Susie,” Caleb said. “Look at me. I need you to know something.”

  “What?” I asked, easing my eyes open.

  “First, I’m really sorry. Okay? I’m sorry for bringing you in here and acting like a jerk.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “And second.” Caleb’s hands tightened around mine. He leaned in close, staring into my eyes. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

  Those fucking tears filled my line of vision again. I shut my eyelids as tight as possible. I didn’t know how to feel. For the first time in many, many years, I was truly ashamed of myself. I was ashamed that my life had even gotten the point where I was having this kind of conversation with Caleb Rogers, of all people.

  I opened my eyes when I felt a tissue against my cheek. Caleb had hunched forward to dry my face. He grinned, looking at my left eye. “Well, the good thing is, I think you finally got the last of your eye makeup.”

  “I’m sure I look like shit. I should've brought some makeup with me.”

  He put the used tissue on the night stand. “No, you’re pretty as ever. Your face is a little red but the light’s dark enough no one’ll notice. And Tyler’s drunk anyway.” He started laughing.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Oh, you know. Drunk Tyler.”

  “Yeah, so I’ve heard.”

  “Huh? You haven’t had the Drunk Tyler experience yet?”

  I shook my head.

  “Shit. Hard to believe a big guy like that can get so wasted.”

  “It’s really that bad?”

  “It’s not bad at all. Tonight he’s a little more calm, actually. But you better brace yourself for what he told us he’s gonna do to you up in his room.” He erupted in laughter again.

  “Oh.” If Sober Tyler could pound me into next week, I wondered what he could do drunk. Maybe I needed to be careful. I winced, thinking about the pain I endured for several days after the last time he got a little too excited.

  Caleb wiped his eyes after laughing for a little while longer, then he grabbed my hands again. His eyes got big. “That guy is way into you. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah.” I took a deep breath. “You know what else? This time I'm gonna be the one who's left devastated.”

  “No...”

  I interrupted him. “Yeah. Maybe it’s payback. Maybe I deserve it.” For the first time all evening, I didn’t feel weepy. It finally made sense. The reason I was going through this. I was being punished for all of the horrible things I'd done in my life. Maybe it was time to accept my fate.

  “I don’t think you deserve it. What’s the name of the guy who hurt you, Susie? Who made you this way?”

  “Shit.” I shook my head. “See, the thing is, one question leads to another, then another, then another. And there’s just a lot of stuff I don’t like to talk about.” Or think about.

  “It’s okay. I won’t ask you anything and I sure as hell won’t tell anyone. What’s his name? I told you mine.”

  Did I trust Caleb that much? No. Sure, we had an understanding. A commonality. A bond of some sort. And after this night, we might even be friends. I wanted to tell him. Not because I considered him a confidante or a counselor. But because I needed to say it out loud. “Jerry. I was fourteen. He was twenty-three. Ask me nothing else.” I hadn’t spoken that guy’s name in more years than I could remember. Something broke loose inside me when I did. I couldn’t tell if it was relief or fear. It was just... different.

  “I told you I wouldn’t. Hell, you told me more than you had to.” His mouth formed a sad, forced grin.

  “Don’t fucking pity me. I hate that.”

  “I’m not, I’m not.” Caleb’s eyes narrowed. “Well, maybe a little. I won’t ask anything. But I just gotta say I think it’s really sad, whatever happened. Because you’re what, twenty-four? Twenty-five?”

  “Twenty-five.”

  “Yeah.” He nodded slowly. “So it was eleven years ago. That’s a really long time. That’s a majority of your life.”

  “Well thank you, Mr. Obvious.”

  He grinned.

  “Well, Caleb,” I said, “this has been.. uhh.. I don’t know if I’d call it fun, but it’s been something. We probably need to...”

  “Wait, one last thing.” He pushed his face forward, gazing deep into my eyes. “You need to know this. You’re a great girl. No matter what you’ve done or what’s happened to you, if Tyler really cares about you, he won’t hold it against you.”

  “I don’t get it, Caleb. I just don’t get why you care...”

  “Shh.” Caleb’s eyes were stern. “I don’t care if you get it. You listen to me. It’s up to you what you wanna tell him about yourself. But there are a few things he’ll probably find out on his own. It’s best he hear ‘em from you first.”

  “You think I don’t know that?”

  “I don’t know, Susie. Why haven’t you already told him?”

  “Because I’m not ready to lose him yet.” I would have started crying right then but I was drained from my prior bout of hysteria. The girl inside me, fourteen-year-old Susie, was crying. Twenty-five-year-old Susie was just tired.

  Caleb arched an eyebrow and kept his grip tight on each of my hands. “You're ridiculous.”

  And then the door swung open. The sounds of partying that had been muffled now blared in my ear, echoing throughout the bedroom. Joan stood there, her lips pressed together in a tight line. She glared at me, then her eyes darted to Caleb, then back to me again.

  “Shit,” I said, hoping Joan couldn’t hear me or read my lips.

  Caleb sat still, holding my hands, leaning toward me way too intimately. We were both frozen like statues, staring back at Joan.

  Her nostrils flared. “What are you doing here? I've been looking all over this house for you.”

  “Hi Joan,” Caleb said. “Nurse, huh?”

  She took a few steps into the room, her eyes focusing on Caleb's shirt. “What the...? What's the 'Martin Spring Twist'?”

  “I don't know.” Caleb shrugged. “Not my shirt.”

  Joan looked angrier than I had ever seen her before. In my mind I imagined cartoon smoke billowing from her ears.

  I was speechless. And for some unexplained reason, I couldn't get myself to let go of Caleb's hands. Maybe I just needed his protection from the wrath of Joan.

  A familiar voice boomed from the hallway. “She back there?”

  Joan turned around to scream through the open door. “Yeah! She's back here! With Caleb!”

  Tyler's smiling face appeared over Joan's shoulder. He wore a black football jersey with the number 34 in yellow on the front. His hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

  “Hey, beautiful.”
He happily brushed past Joan, gently pushing her out of the way for more clearance. He plopped down beside me on the bed, making the mattress rise up under me, almost knocking me to the floor. Then he put his arm around me and looked at Caleb. “You bein’ good to my woman here?”

  Caleb let go of my hands, smiling. “Guess so.”

  “Good. You guys get your mess all straightened out, I hope?” Tyler turned to me with a huge, lovable smile I'd never seen before.

  I think I now understand the big deal about Drunk Tyler. I couldn't stop myself from smiling back at the sweet, giddy, inebriated guy. “I think we have an understanding.”