A Guy's Guide to Being a Man's Man

by Frank Vincent

  3. A man’s man never yawns at his own shindig—triple espresso, pal!

  4. If your friend’s wife just got a new boob job, don’t ogle them.

  5. No matter how drunk you get, don’t start a conga line (my aunt Jean did it all the time).

  As the host, it’s your job to make people feel comfortable and relaxed. Greet everyone with a smile, take their coats, get people a drink (pour a little heavy to make it a fun night). On this evening, there’s no job that’s beneath a man’s man, so be on the lookout for spills to clean up, dishes to bus, and trash to take out. A man’s man always makes his guests feel at home. Remember to spark conversation and have a few jokes in your arsenal if dull moments arise. Don’t know any? I got you covered:■ For Your Doctor Guests: A friend of mine had skin trouble on his face. So he went to a dermatologist who gave him some female hormones. His face cleared up, but his CHEST broke out!

  ■ For Your Actor Guests: Two talent agents are walking down the street. A beautiful woman passes by. One agent says, “Wow, would I like to screw her!” The other agent says, “Out of what?”

  ■ For Your Lawyer Guests: A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay, there were hundreds of people ahead of him in line to see God. But, to his surprise, God left his post at the gate and traveled down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. Then God and one of his associates guided the lawyer to the front of the line into a plush chair right next to his desk. The lawyer said, “I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?” God replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours that you billed your clients for, and by my math you must be 178 years old!”

  ■ For Your Italian Guests: What happened when a fifty-year-old consigliere had a sit-down with his ninety-year-old mob boss? He made him an offer he couldn’t remember.

  Setting the Stage

  You want to be the host with the most at your party. Let me clue you in on some serious steps on how to set the stage for your event, as well as give you some recipes that’ll have your guests begging you for seconds!

  THE AMBIANCE

  A man’s man serves his guests cocktails and offers some snacks like crudités and a gourmet cheese selection. As far as how the dinner table should be set, a man’s man goes by one motto: “Less is more.” You do not need colorful tablecloths or fancy napkins. A man’s man uses a basic white tablecloth and matching napkins of a pleasant fabric, and allows the colors of the meal to highlight the table. Lit candles (in votive holders) and flowers (reflecting the season) are essential, but make sure it is a low flower arrangement, because you do not want an overwhelming bouquet of flowers to obstruct eye contact between your guests. Put some fresh pre-sliced Italian bread on the table and in small bowl place some extra-virgin olive oil and a touch of freshly ground pepper, for your guests to dip their bread (more healthy than butter).

  THE MUSIC

  A man’s man has music on throughout the evening. You should select background music that creates a tasteful ambiance and, most important, is nonintrusive. As your special guests arrive during the cocktail hour, you should play a touch of Brazillian bossanova music—classic tunes from Antonio Carlo Jobim, Joao Gilberto, with vocals by Astrud Gilberto and Stan Getz on sax. Tunes like “Corcovado,” “One Note Samba,” and the “Girl From Ipanema” are light and add a nice cushion of sound so your guests can speak to each other. Through the dinner hour, a man’s man has on some early Frank Sinatra from his “Capitol years,” including albums like Here’s That Rainy Day, Only the Lonely, Nice ’n’ Easy and others of that feeling. For dessert, I suggest playing the masterful Diana Krall and her album The Look of Love.

  THE MENU

  APPETIZER

  Grilled jumbo shrimp served on sliced Italian bread

  brushed with garlic and olive oil

  Drink Served

  Bellini

  ■

  FIRST COURSE

  Cavatelli pasta with sweet and hot Italian sausage

  and shaved Parmesan. Served with slow-cooked fennel and mint.

  Serve family style

  ■

  SECOND COURSE

  Mother Mary’s fantastic breaded veal cutlets,

  served with a side of broccoli rabe

  Drink Served

  Chianti Ruffino wine

  THIRD COURSE

  Fresh fruit and Italian pastries (only buy at your

  closest Italian pastry shop, no fugazis allowed!)

  Drink Served

  Espresso and Sambuca

  Recipes

  APPETIZER

  N GRILLED JUMBO SHRIMP n

  MARINADE:

  3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

  Juice of one whole lemon

  6 basil leaves, chopped

  1 tablespoon white vinegar

  Salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

  2 pounds of large or jumbo shrimp (11 to 15 shrimp to the pound),

  cleaned and deveined. (You will need 24 shrimp, three per person.)

  Combine olive oil, lemon juice, chopped basil, white vinegar, salt, and pepper. Marinate shrimp in mixture for 20 minutes. Place shrimp on metal skewers and grill on high heat for 3 minutes; turn skewer over and grill for 1 minute on the other side.

  N TOASTED BREAD ON THE GRILL n

  1 loaf Italian bread, sliced into 16 pieces

  2 whole garlic cloves

  Extra-virgin olive oil

  Assorted salad greens

  Black olives, chopped

  Rub bread slices with whole garlic cloves and drizzle olive oil on both sides. Place the bread on grill and toast for 30 seconds on each side. Arrange two slices of toasted bread on each plate, and place assorted salad greens on top of bread. Sprinkle chopped black olives over the greens. Then place 3 grilled shrimp on top of each slice of bread and drizzle with salad dressing.

  DRESSING

  1 teaspoon minced garlic

  2 anchovies, chopped

  Juice of 1 lemon

  3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

  1 tablespoon chopped fresh oregano, or 1 teaspoon dried oregano

  1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley

  1⁄2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

  3 tablespoons toasted pine nuts*

  Mix ingredients in a bowl, drizzle over shrimp, and serve. ■ (SERVES 8)

  * To toast nuts: Cook in a dry pan over medium heat for 5 minutes.

  FIRST COURSE

  N CAVATELLI WITH ITALIAN SAUSAGE AND FENNEL n

  11⁄2 lbs. cavatelli (cavatelli is a short curled noodle, available fresh,

  frozen, or dried; the dried noodles are shell-shaped with a slightly

  ruffled outside)

  2 lbs. mixed sweet and hot Italian sausage

  1 large bulb fennel, sliced thin

  2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

  2 tablespoons fresh mint, chopped

  3⁄4 pound grated Parmesan cheese

  Put the sausages in a 9-inch skillet and fill the pan with water to the top of sausages. Bring the water to a boil, and parboil the sausages for 15 minutes. Remove from pan and run under cold water. Remove skin from sausages and slice into 1-inch pieces. Set sausage aside.

  In a 3-quart pasta pot, bring 21⁄2 quarts of water to a boil and mix 2 tablespoons of salt in the water. Place the cavatelli into the boiling water and cook until al dente, about 12 minutes. Drain pasta and set aside.

  Slice fennel into 1⁄4-inch slices. In a 16-inch sauté pan, mix olive oil and mint and bring to high heat. Place fennel into the pan and sauté until edges are golden brown. Add sausage slices and sauté for a few more minutes. Place pasta in pan and sauté, tossing to make sure it all gets mixed together. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Grate Parmesan cheese over top. Serve immediately. ■(SERVES 8)

  SECOND COURSE

  N MOTHER MARY’S VEAL CUTLETS n

  (With a side of Broccoli Rabe)

  16 veal cutlets

  2 cups all-purpose flour />
  3 eggs, beaten

  2 tablespoons cold water

  1 cup Italian breadcrumbs

  1⁄2 stick salted butter

  1 cup extra-virgin olive oil

  Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste

  Lemon wedges

  Pound the veal cutlets thin. Place flour in a medium-size bowl. In another medium-size bowl combine eggs and water and beat until mixed. Put breadcrumbs in a third medium-size bowl. Coat veal cutlets in the flour, and shake off excess. Then dip veal cutlets into the egg mixture and, lastly, into the Italian breadcrumbs.

  In a large frying pan over high heat, heat the butter and olive oil. When the butter melts, lower the flame to medium. After a few minutes, place four cutlets at a time (or as many as will fit into the frying pan comfortably), and fry for 3 minutes on each side. Take the veal cutlets out of the pan and place them on paper towels to absorb the excess olive oil. Repeat with remaining cutlets. Serve with lemon. ■ (SERVES 8)

  N BROCCOLI RABE n

  1 bunch broccoli rabe

  5 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

  5 cloves garlic, sliced into thin pieces

  1 teaspoon sea salt

  1 cup water

  Wash broccoli rabe in cold water three times, then slice at least 2 inches off of the bottom. In a pot, heat olive oil over high heat. Add the garlic and sea salt. When the sliced garlic is lightly toasted, reduce heat and let the oil cool down completely. After it does, add 1 cup water and bring to a boil. Add the broccoli rabe and leave on high heat for few minutes (or until broccoli rabe turns dark green). Reduce heat again and simmer for 15 minutes, or until broccoli rabe is tender. Drain and serve. ■(SERVES 8)

  Salud!

  I think man’s man inventor Benjamin Franklin said it best: “There can’t be good living where there is not good drinking.” A man’s man is particular about what he drinks and the kind of glass he drinks it in. For instance, he does not order cocktails like Alabama slammers, red devils, or mai tais. His tastes are much more traditional—savoring a fine wine or a scotch aged to perfection. He doesn’t drink fruity beverages and only uses an umbrella in the rain—never in his drink. Nor does he consume any alcoholic drinks from a blender. You’ll see that in this section a man’s man is very particular. Also I’ll address dealing with bartenders and tipping them properly. Well, there’s no time like the present. So, let’s address it right now:

  Dealing with Bartenders:■ A man’s man is always prepared with his order.

  ■ A man’s man is always prepared with his money.

  Nothing aggravates a bartender in a busy place more than some moron fumbling through his pockets and weeding through the lint to find a $20 bill. The bartender is standing there with a hundred other customers who want to order and, more important, give him or her a tip. A man’s man always has his money ready. Also, he never snaps his fingers to get the bartender’s attention. Hey, it’s a bartender, not a basset hound. Respect!

  Tipping

  A man’s man sets a precedent early in the night with a healthy tip to the bartender. For instance, if you’re with a few friends and the bill is $40 on the first round, you will definitely be remembered by giving a $10 tip. You hand the bartender a $50 bill (if you have one) and say, “Keep the change.” With a tip like that, you’ll definitely get noticed next time around. If you give the bartender a $5 tip, that means you’re an “okay guy.” However, you won’t stand out in the crowd when you want to order round number two. Although giving a $20 tip will be appreciated by your bartender, it’s overdoing it a bit. By the way, leaving $1 will definitely not get you premium service. Hey, you’re not checking your coat here, pal!

  Quenching a Man’s Man’s Thirst

  MARTINIS

  You might want to order a martini just because you’ve seen James Bond order one. That’s fine. But, a man’s man does not walk into a bar and just say to the bartender, “I’ll have a martini.” You’re going to look like a fool if you’re not prepared for the question that follows—“How do you want it?” If you don’t have the right answer, then your date or friends will know you’re simply trying to pose. A man’s man orders his martini in a very specific way. For instance, if you order a martini on the rocks, you’ll notice your friends either laughing in your face or sprinting to the nearest exit. Ordering a martini on the rocks is equivalent to putting mayonnaise on a meatball (and you know how I feel about that). Also, if you don’t specify what kind of liquor you want, you’re going to wind up with the “well” shit, which is equivalent to rubbing alcohol. A man’s man will specify his liquor every single time he orders. So, in summary, be prepared to answer the following questions.

  Question: Do you want gin or vodka?

  Translation: Old-school bartenders might not ask, because it’s usually assumed that the name of the game is gin. But, if your bartender asks, a man’s man drinks either one.

  Question: What brand of vodka or gin?

  Translation: Choose a top-shelf vodka—Grey Goose, Belvedere, Ketel One—or a top-shelf gin—Bombay Sapphire, Boodle, Tanqueray.

  Question: How dry do you want your martini?

  Translation: A very dry martini basically has no dry vermouth in it. A regular dry martini has a little dry vermouth in it, and so on.

  Question: Do your want your martini “in and out?” Translation: “In and out” means that the bartender pours the vermouth into the martini glass, swishes it around, and then throws it out. All that’s left is the residue of the vermouth on the interior of the glass.

  Question: Olive or a twist?

  Translation: A man’s man always orders three olives.

  Question: Do you want it dirty?

  Translation: Dirty means that they put some olive juice in your drink, not that they serve it in a lipstick-stained glass.

  So, a man’s man may order a martini as follows, “I’ll have a dirty Goose martini, very dry, with three olives.” See, martini ordering is very specific. I can’t stress the point enough that if you just say to a bartender, “Let me get a martini,” and you’re not fully prepared, you’ll have egg all over your face. A man’s man is always prepared.

  SCOTCH

  After a big meal with your fellow men’s men at a quality steakhouse, or even at your own home, it’s great to light a cigar and have a top-notch scotch. There’s nothing better. Many guys ask me if they should add water to their scotch. The whole point with a quality scotch is that it’s so good and pure that you would never add too much water, because you really want to enjoy its true taste. But, you certainly can add a little H2O. After you pour yourself a scotch, you should “nose it” and then taste it straight. Then, add a tiny splash of water, “nose it,” and taste it again. If it tastes better than before, you can go from there. Truthfully, I very rarely drink a cask-strength scotch without a little water. If you’re drinking something that’s 120 proof, it’s like throwing a lit match down your esophagus. So, put a little water in, but not a lot.

  Now, you can either drink a single malt or a blended scotch. Remember, with a blended scotch you’re looking for consistency; with a single malt, you are looking for adventure. A good single malt and a quality cigar is a match made in heaven. Here are some of my recommendations (with the year and price per bottle). Sip on some of these and you’ll be drinking in style!

  Single Malt■ Macallan 18 year ($100 plus)

  ■ Laphroaig 10 year ($50)

  ■ Ardbeg “Ugedail” Cask Strength 11 year ($90)

  ■ Springbank 21 year ($100 plus)

  Blend■ Pinch 15 year ($40)

  ■ Johnny Walker Green Label 15 year ($50)

  ■ Johnny Walker Blue Label ($190)

  VINO

  I have always loved wine. Fine wine, good food, close friends, and stimulating conversation is what a man’s man lives for. Also, many medical studies have shown that moderate wine drinking can be very good for your health. However, in the world of the man’s man, wine is strictly consumed at dinne
r. He does not drink wine in a nightclub/lounge environment. Women can walk around with wineglasses, but men cannot. A guy holding a wineglass at a bar just does not reflect sophistication or project a manly air. There is only one exception! At a wine and cheese party, where that’s your only choice, you can walk around with a wineglass. Otherwise, wine is to be savored and sipped slowly in the comfort of your home or at your favorite restaurant.

  When you open a bottle of wine, pour a glass, swirl it, smell it, and then immediately apply my three essential wine-tasting techniques:

  STEP #1: The First Taste: Take a moderate sip from your glass of wine. This initial taste is when your tastebuds will first be introduced to the wine.

  STEP #2: The Full Taste: Move the wine around in your mouth to get a real taste of it. You want to examine the body and texture of the wine, just like you would a beautiful woman.

  STEP #3: The Aftertaste: Swallow your wine slowly and examine the taste that remains in your mouth. A smooth aftertaste that does not last too long is what you’re looking for. If it is still there six hours later, then you’re probably drinking Thunderbird. That’s a no-no.

  Here’s my man’s man wine list. I list some very nice bottles of red and white in moderate price ranges (ranging from $25 to $100). Listen, pal, if you don’t want to spend at least $25 on a bottle of wine, you shouldn’t even be reading this book. A man’s man drinks quality stuff only—if you want to be a big dog, then don’t play like a puppy. The wines listed below are not rare by any means. You can find them at your local wine/spirits store. Also, remember that a man’s man drinks a variety of wines from different regions. Just one more tip: The appropriate temperature for wine storage at home is between 50 to 60 degrees Fahrenheit (with 55 to 60 percent humidity). Don’t let your wine get above 70 degrees, fellas. You want your wine to age right.