Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  Minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, as Madi lay in her bed with Kendra wrapped around her like a blanket. She didn’t know how long she’d been crying, but her body felt weak and weary. Her nose drained down her face as her chest heaved in waves. Just when she thought she might stop, another wave came and she cried again. She pictured his face and the knife twisted deeper. She replayed Allison’s words in her head and she felt like a fool. She’d never known intense misery like this before. Even when she’d broken her arm, the pain paled in comparison. She’d take ten broken arms over the burning that infiltrated every cell of her being, like a disease. She’d never imagined it could hurt this much. Even before, when she’d left him, it didn’t hurt like this. It seemed the knowledge of what it felt to have his love and lose it was worse than never having it at all. There was another side to love. This was hate. She hated him for betraying her, even though most of her was still desperately in love with him. Two sides of a coin. Love and hate. She never knew it was possible to feel both at the same time.

  Kendra lifted her head and kissed Madi’s cheek as she leaned forward and wiped her nose, telling her to blow. Madi did as she was told before she started to cry again. The room was dark, and she couldn’t even see her own hands. It was fitting. Madi felt like she was in hell. And isn’t hell the absence of light? Jake was her light, and now she would forever live in the darkness that could only be known as the lack of his presence. More importantly, the lack of his love.

  “I’m just going to turn on a light,” Kendra said as she hoisted herself off the bed. Madi suddenly felt cold and began to shiver as the waves of pain threatened once again. Her head rose slowly as she twisted her legs to the edge of the bed, swinging them over the side and standing.

  “Do you need to use the bathroom?” Kendra asked as she rubbed her arm.

  Madi shook her head as she made her way back to the center of torture, otherwise known as her laptop.

  “No, Madi! Don’t do this…” Kendra pleaded.

  Madi angled to face her. “I need to see. I need to see it all,” she cried in a hush.

  “Don’t do this to yourself. He’s not worth it. He’s a piece-of-shit scumbag, Mads. He doesn’t deserve you or your tears.”

  As the tears began once again, Madi spoke in between sobs. “I… don’t… know... what else… to… do. I need to… know… it all… Need to see… with my eyes… that he really… did… this. That… he really… did… this to… us… to me.”

  Kendra scooted next to her on the chair and hugged her tightly as Madi opened the remaining emails. Ten more emails, plus the ten she’d already seen. Each a different picture of Jake and Allison having sex.

  By the last picture, Madi had stopped crying. She stared at the last close-up of them kissing for several minutes before she gently closed the laptop and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

  Kendra eyed her tentatively, not knowing what was happening.

  “Let me stand,” she asked.

  Kendra released her arms from Madi’s chest and stood, allowing Madi the room to get her footing.

  Madi reached over her desk and grabbed a tie. She carefully pulled her hair into a ponytail before tightening it at the roots.

  She lifted her eyes to see Kendra staring at her intently. “I’m alright… I’m okay now. It’s fine. I’ll be fine.”

  “No, you’re not, but you will be. This is going to pass, Mads. I promise you, the pain will eventually be easier to bear. I’ve been there. It’s going to be okay.”

  “It’s late. I know you have an early class. You can go. I’ll be fine.”

  “Oh no you don’t. I’m staying here tonight and every night thereafter until I believe you.”

  “Ken…”

  “Don’t argue with me. I love you, Madi. I know you, and I know you’re hurting while desperately trying to be strong. I’m so fucking proud of you, but I’m staying. Not another word, k?”

  Madi nodded as she hugged herself. “I’m going to take a shower. I need to stand under the hot water. I’m so cold.”

  Kendra pulled her robe from the back of the door, as well as her shower caddy, and led Madi out the door. Rob sat staring at his phone, but flew out of his seat the moment he saw them. “She’s taking a shower,” Kendra explained with a nod of her head.

  Madi couldn’t look at Rob. She could just imagine the pity in his eyes, and she didn’t need to see it to know it was there. She could feel the energy of it all around her. She was the lead float in a pity parade.

  Madi leaned against the wall in the shower and let the hot water rush over her aching bones. She wasn’t sure if the pain in her chest came from repeatedly heaving or from the knife that was permanently stationed in her heart. She would never love anyone or trust anything again. Never. Again.

  HIS EYES FLICKED open to a dark room. He must have slept the entire day. His head felt heavy, but nothing like before. He slowly rose off the bed and reached to his left to turn on the lamp. As his eyes began to focus, he realized he desperately needed to remove his contacts.

  He trudged to the bathroom and waited for the flickering light to steady. He regarded himself in the mirror and almost didn’t recognize who he saw. There were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was plastered to his scalp like he’d sweat through the night. He gently pulled the contacts from his eyes and flicked them in the trash. He opened his case and slid his glasses onto his face, happy that the soreness in his eyes was dissipating. After he relieved himself, he slipped on a pair of underwear and his sweats, and slumped on the corner of the bed.

  As he sipped a drink of water, his phone buzzed. He must have switched it to vibrate. It was Rob.

  “Hey, Rob. Is everything okay?”

  “You piece of shit. It’s about time you answered your phone!”

  “What?” Jake asked, mostly out of shock.

  “You know, I’ve known you for almost fifteen years, and I never had you pegged. I always thought I was a good judge of character. I guess I was wrong.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Jake asked as he jerked upright.

  “Oh, you don’t know your little show made the Internet?”

  “My little show? You mean the concert?”

  “No, I mean your little show after the mother fucking concert.”

  “I was sick. Did someone film me or something?” Jake asked as he slouched back onto the bed, placing the palm of his hand against his forehead.

  “Please… It’s pretty clear from the angles that someone was up close. I’m sure you noticed them in the room with you. You are sick. She deserves better, Jake. She didn’t deserve this.”

  Jake hurdled from the bed. “What? Who didn’t deserve this? Madi? Is she okay? What happened?”

  “It’s all over the Internet. Look for yourself.”

  “Hold on.”

  Jake hit the web browser on his phone and Googled his name. Picture after picture appeared of him lip-locked and naked with Allison Gregory. Jake gasped as he skimmed one article after another. Rumors are true! Photos to prove it. Jake Morgan is off the market, ladies! Eat your hearts out!

  “What… the fuck… Oh my God. I never—I don’t remember. I wouldn’t…”

  Jake put the phone to his ear. “Did she see? Does she know?”

  “Oh yeah, she knows. I heard her puking for fifteen minutes straight before I had to carry her lifeless body back to her room. She cried for three hours. Three fucking hours, you asshole. If I weren’t still concerned for her safety, I’d fly out there and rip your heart out, the way you did to her.”

  “I didn’t… I couldn’t have… Rob, I swear to you on my life, I didn’t. I mean, I don’t remember. I was sick. I couldn’t see or stand or even think. I would never cheat on her. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.”

  “What are you trying to say? The pictures were doctored?”

  “Yes… No… I mean, I don’t know!” Jake frantically paced his room. He could feel his eyes begin to swell. He wa
s so confused.

  “Are you fucking with me right now? Because I don’t recommend it. I’m really angry with you.”

  “Do you really not know me at all? I’m telling you that I don’t remember any of it! How could this have happened? I was sick and then… I don’t know… but I wouldn’t have cheated! It’s not me. I’m not like that!” Jake shouted into the phone as his voice became more frantic and angrier with every word.

  “Calm down. What do you mean you don’t remember? Jake? Are you there?”

  Jake picked up a lamp and threw it across the room, shattering it onto the floor. He slammed his fist repeatedly into the wall.

  “Jake? Jake, listen to me. Are you there?”

  Jake pressed the phone to his ear as his hand dripped with blood. He didn’t care, even though he should. His hands were his life—that is, they were his life, until now. At that moment it became clear. She was his life. Nothing else mattered.

  “Jake?”

  “Yeah, I’m here. Put her on the phone. Please. Put her on the phone.” Jake could hear the desperation in his own voice. If he could talk to her, he could try to explain. He could tell her what she meant to him. That he’d never hurt her. He’d promised her and he’d meant it. He’d never cheat on her. Although, at that moment, it seemed that was exactly what he’d done.

  “I need you to calm down. Tell me everything that happened yesterday. I need every single detail.”

  Jake swallowed hard as he tried to put his memories in order. His hand skimmed into his hair before gripping and pulling on it. “I uh… I woke up and I spoke to you…”

  “Yes, alright. That was 8:00 a.m. your time. Did you eat something?”

  “Um, no. There wasn’t any time. Caleb came by. He said I had an interview on TV so I showered and rushed out the door.”

  “Okay, then what happened?”

  “I did the interview, ate some lunch, and then went to sound check. I had an hour or two in between, so I came back here and slept for a bit.”

  “How did you feel when you woke up?”

  “Better… good, I think. Is Madi there? Can you see her? I need to know if she’s okay.”

  “Jake, I know you’re upset, but I need you to focus. Did you perform the concert?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you feel okay through the concert?”

  “Yeah, I was fine. After, I went back to my dressing room and…”

  “And what?”

  “That’s where it gets a little fuzzy.”

  “Did you see anyone? Was anyone with you?”

  Jake thought for a moment as he pushed his hand through his hair once more. “Ang… I saw Ang.”

  “Okay, Hold on.”

  Jake paced the room as he waited, grabbing a towel and rolling it around his hand. His stomach curled in knots. What was Madi thinking? She couldn’t possibly believe any of this was true. Could she? He knew she believed him when he said how much he needed her. But the pictures? If she saw them, she must think he…

  “Jake, you there?”

  “Yes.”

  Jake could hear the phone ringing inside his phone. “Well, hello, Robbie! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

  “Hi, Ang. I’ve got Jake conferenced in with us. I need to ask you a couple of questions.”

  “Okay, sure. Is everything alright?”

  “Everything will be fine.” Rob tried to speak but Jake cut him off.

  “Ang, did you see me yesterday in my dressing room, after the concert?”

  “Yes, of course I did. Do you not remember? Jake, what’s going on?”

  “Ang,” Rob interjected, “I’ll explain everything later. What did Jake say?”

  “I brought him some photos to sign, and he asked me to get him some water. Oddly, there weren’t any bottles in his room, although I’d stocked it earlier in the day. Jake drinks a ton of water.”

  “Did you get him some water?”

  “No, as I was leaving, Caleb came in and handed him a bottle. Jake gulped it down in a few seconds.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “I left. I had to deliver the pictures to the hall manager. I went back to the room, but Jake was already gone.”

  “Thanks, Ang. You’ve been a big help.”

  “Well, dear Lord. What’s going on, you two?”

  “Ang, it’s Jake again. You know me. Just remember that. Everything you hear, everything you see, it’s all lies. I don’t know how it happened, but I know deep inside it can’t be true.”

  “Jake?”

  “Listen, Ang, I’ll call you later. Jake and I have to go.”

  After the call with Ang, Rob probed Jake’s memory. The more Jake tried to think, the more confused he became as he tried to separate reality from dreams. He told Rob about his dreams. About feeling his clothes being pulled off. About the room spinning as his eyes felt too heavy to keep open. About thinking he was in the hospital. About hearing voices, like maybe a nurse.

  As soon as he said the word “nurse,” Jake leapt from the bed. “Fuck, Rob… She was here. It was her voice I heard. It was Allison. She was in the room.”

  “Okay… good… we’re getting somewhere. Then what happened?”

  “I woke up with sun in my eyes. That’s all I remember. My head hurt like it’d been hit by a sledgehammer. Caleb said it might have been the flu. Caleb…” Jake slid down to the floor.

  Jake proceeded to tell Rob everything Caleb had told him about the events of the night. “Rob, you’ve got to know, I’d never hurt her like this. I don’t know what happened or how to explain it, but I would never willingly cheat on her. I love her. More than I’ve ever loved anyone in my whole life.”

  “I know you do, Jake. I believe you. I really do believe you.”

  “You do?” Jake questioned, surprised but also relieved. “I don’t know why you do. It makes no sense to me.”

  “It makes perfect sense to me. In fact, it’s pretty damn clear. You were drugged.”

  ***

  HER PHONE STARTED buzzing at 5:00 a.m. and continued non-stop. At one point, Kendra piled multiple shirts around it and shoved it to the back of Madi’s closet. Madi swore she could still hear it. She wondered if he was trying to call her. Maybe he knew he’d been caught. What could he say to explain this lie? As the night inched forward and Madi became overwrought with utter and complete exhaustion, she prayed for sleep that would never come. In her state of mind, things twisted and turned, sometimes becoming clearer but mostly more obscure.

  Paranoia set in as she began to imagine that the reason Jake wanted to keep their relationship out of the press was because he was ashamed of her. Then she started to wonder if Jake had sent Peter after her because she was interfering with his relationship with Allison. Maybe he wanted her gone. Maybe Rob was sent to finish the job when no one was looking.

  Madi’s temperature fluctuated from boiling hot to freezing cold, but even in her crazed state, she was able to comprehend that her temperature had everything to do with Kendra’s location. At 7:00 a.m., Madi managed to hike herself over Kendra without waking her.

  Madi glanced at herself in the mirror on her door. She was still wearing her hair in a ponytail, although after tossing and turning for much of the night, she looked like a psychopath. Her hair was mangled around her head like she’d teased it into multiple eruptions. She stared at her reflection. Who was the girl in the mirror, and where had Madison Ryan gone?

  Madi knew the answer to that. The girl in the mirror was just another name on Jake Morgan’s long list of mistakes. The Madison Ryan before him was gone. She’d let her go the minute she gave him her heart.

  She wondered if any of his prior pain was even real. Did he feel bad for hurting Tessa or Summer? Or underneath it all, was she just unable to see that he was truly selfish?

  Madi sat for a few minutes in complete silence and closed her eyes. She’d never realized it before, but silence was deafening. When no other sounds can be heard but the beating of your heart, you’
re forced into hearing what it’s trying to tell you. Sometimes those beats can be louder than any words ever spoken and mean so much more.

  A moment later, Madi heard the faint buzzing of her phone in her closet. She slid down into her chair, pulling her eyes from the closet to her laptop. Someone had taken great pleasure in sending Madi the pictures. They had to have known it would kill her inside. Who would want to hurt her so badly? She remembered the message they’d thought had come from Peter Markum. “He’ll kill you, one way or another.” Boy, wasn’t that the fucking truth.

  Her phone buzzed again. Madi started to wonder if it was just her imagination. She stretched her arm into the closet and yanked it from the clothes it was nestled between. She had forty-seven messages and eighty missed calls. All from Jake.

  Madi felt a tear slip down her cheek as she stared at the screen. What could he possibly have to say to her in forty-seven different ways? If she heard him say he was sorry, she’d scream. His apologies could never justify the damage he’d done.

  She didn’t want to cry any more. She was surprised there were even tears left. How could she have been so wrong about him? How could she have convinced herself that, somehow, a famous musician could ever fall for a girl like her? Maybe he secretly liked the chase. Maybe he needed more than she could give him. Maybe she was never enough to hold him in the first place. The phone buzzed in her hands with another call from him. She gasped, as it surprised her. Kendra rolled over and blinked at Madi holding the phone in her hands.

  “Don’t you even think about it!”

  Kendra flew out of bed and snatched the phone from Madi’s hands just as it stopped buzzing.

  “I wasn’t going to answer it.”

  “You weren’t?” Kendra asked, rubbing her eyes.

  “No… I don’t ever want to hear his voice again.”