“Don’t look at me like that!” she said to Rob. “You’re not getting in my pants.”
Rob turned and walked away, shaking his head.
Kendra refocused on Jake. “I’ll tell her. I don’t know why I’m even considering this. If you’re fucking lying, then you deserve a God damned Oscar for your performance.”
Jake pressed his hands and lips together simultaneously, bringing his clenched hands to his mouth.
Kendra turned and walked back to the door, pulling it open.
Jake huffed when he realized it hadn’t been locked. If he’d known, he would have rushed past Kendra and forced Madi to talk to him.
He took a deep breath as he realized that convincing Madi he was telling the truth was going to be harder than convincing himself he deserved her.
***
AS SOON AS Kendra left the room, Madi started to question herself again. She reached into Kendra’s purse and pulled out her cell phone, dialing a number. She answered almost immediately.
“Hello?”
Madi almost couldn’t get the words out. “Ang?”
“Madi? Is that you? I didn’t recognize the number.”
“It’s me. Do you know?” Madi asked.
“Jake told me everything. Have you spoken to him?”
“I can’t… It’s too hard. I don’t want to hear his lies.”
Ang sighed into the phone. “You have to remember, there are two sides to every story, Madi. There’s another side to this whole thing. You need to hear him out.”
“What could he possibly say to me? That he’s sorry?”
“I think you need to hear it from him. Just try to remember who he is. Remember what you know about him and how much he loves you.”
Madi instantly regretted calling her. She should have known Ang would be on Jake’s side. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
Madi ended the call and crossed her arms over her chest. She paced the room, not knowing what to do with herself. She needed to remember what she had seen and what he had done. There were definitely two sides—two sides to Jake Morgan. One made you believe in him, and the other made you question every word he’d ever said. Madi grabbed her earbuds and searched her music. She needed a song to make her stronger.
A few seconds later, Kendra opened and closed the door, leaning into it for support.
Madi pulled the pods from her ears. She’d only heard part of “Jar of Hearts” by Christina Perri. “Did you tell him? Did you tell him it’s over? I hope he’s gone.”
Kendra teetered her head back and forth as she shifted her balance.
“He’s still here, isn’t he?”
“Yes,” Kendra replied. “But I kinda said I’d talk to you.”
“What?” Madi asked in shock. “Why would you do that? Oh no. Did you fall for his deep-blue come-hither eyes, too? I thought you were immune to his games.”
“I didn’t fall for shit. It’s just… Well, I don’t know how he could be making this up.”
“Kendra! He’s a performer. He tells a story every time he sings, every time he opens his mouth. He’s fooled me one too many times. I can’t do this. I’m not going to let myself believe him again. There’s no way he can explain this… no way he can explain why his mouth was pressed to hers. I need to get a grip. A few minutes ago I almost had a nervous breakdown.”
Kendra eyed her for a moment and pursed her lips. “You’re probably right,” Kendra said with a shrug and a yawn. “Should we get some dinner?”
Madi paused, staring at Kendra’s carefree expression.
“What?” Kendra asked.
“That’s it?” Madi questioned with her hands propped open, still holding her earbuds. “I thought you told him you’d try.”
“You’ve already made up your mind. There’s no point. It’s probably for the best, like you said.”
Madi stared for another moment before glancing toward the door.
“I knew it. You aren’t sure. You want me to tell you it’s okay, don’t you?”
Madi crossed her arms. “I don’t need your permission.”
“No. You don’t. Even if I stood here and told you to hate him, that I didn’t believe him and not to listen to him, you’d still have to follow your heart. What does it tell you?”
Madi sighed as she glanced toward the window. “I don’t know. I want to be smart. I want to separate my heart from my head. When he’s near me, it’s like he’s a magnet. I can feel the pull.”
“I know you’ll make the right decision, whatever it is. But I know you and you need closure. You’re not going to rest until you hear it all.”
Madi nodded before pulling her hair away from her face into a twist, then dropping it down. She hugged herself as the realization of what she was considering sunk in. “I’m scared.”
Kendra pulled her into a hug. “I don’t blame you.”
Madi pulled back from her as she glanced into the mirror. “I look like hell.”
“Jesus, Madi. First, you never look like hell and second, did you get a good look at him? He looks like someone rained on his parade, ran over his dog, and tied him to a chair while they slowly pulled individual hairs from his scalp. I’m also pretty sure he’s been wearing the same clothes for several days.”
Madi huffed slightly, but inside she knew Jake never looked bad. She’d memorized his face from the hall, believing it might have been her last chance to see him. Her mind raced with conflicting thoughts. She needed to be strong. She had to remind herself that he was only here to tell her he was sorry and that he’d moved on with Allison. That Allison fit into his life and his world. That she knew how to give him what he needed. She imagined him telling her that she was a nice girl, but just not for him. Her conversation with Ang played over in her mind. She could feel the tears in her eyes. She needed to just get it over with. Let him say it. Let him break her one more time.
She lifted her eyes to Kendra as she wiped away the last tear she would allow. “Let him in.”
JAKE SAT WITH his head down, as his fingers massaged his temples and a yawn escaped his lips. He was tired, beaten down and restless. He understood exactly why Madi was hurt. The pictures made him look like a lying, cheating bastard. But he wasn’t. Somehow, while he slept, everyone began to doubt him. As if the last twenty-eight years meant nothing. Everyone seemed to forget who he was and what he was capable of. He may have been selfish, and even stupid at times, but he wasn’t ruthless. He’d never do anything to purposely destroy another human being; especially not one that meant more than every other one combined.
He lifted his hood around his head when a girl walked past and stared at him. Sitting in the hall of an all-girls dormitory was sure to get him recognized at some point. As he said the words in his head, he removed the hood. He didn’t care anymore. Let them know where he was. He wanted to shout to anyone who’d listen why he was in Chicago and how he felt about the girl locked tight behind a door.
Rob had left to use the restroom and Jake was happy for the moment alone to gather his thoughts. Just as he leaned forward and reached for his phone in his back pocket, Madi’s door cracked open. He was afraid to hope, but hope was all he had left.
Kendra eased toward him and Jake resisted the urge to stand. His body ached and his heart was just too heavy to move.
“There are some rules,” Kendra said.
For the first time in hours, Jake took a breath. He nodded. It was all he could do.
“Don’t touch her,” Kendra said as she started counting on her fingers.
Jake hated the rules already.
“Don’t lie.”
Jake huffed. Why would he lie?
Kendra paused to think before repeating, “Don’t touch her.”
He sighed as he crossed his arms.
“And don’t be an ass.”
Jake leaned forward and pulled himself to stand, slowly inching to her room. It seemed further away than he remembered.
He felt Kendra pull his arm. He almos
t swore as he scrubbed his hand over his face.
“Don’t hurt her more,” she pleaded.
The tension fell from his shoulders as he looked her in the eye. “I never wanted to hurt her in the first place.”
Kendra nodded as she released her grip and took his place in the chair in the hall. As he glanced back to her, he hoped he’d never have to sit there again.
He lifted his hand to the door, not sure if he should knock or just go inside.
Madi pulled it open and Jake instantaneously had to recite the rules to himself.
Her eyes were swollen. Her lips were puffy and her nose was red, yet she was still the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. She took a deep breath and backed away from the door as he stepped inside, closing it behind him. He took in her room. It was different from how he’d imagined it when he pictured her lying in her bed. The room was rather small. She had a twin bed draped in a pink comforter to the right, near a window, and a small lamp on top of crates housed her books. Her desk was to the left, in front of the other window. He pictured her sitting there, looking at the pictures on her laptop, and his chest ached.
He had to put his hands in his pockets to keep himself from reaching out to touch her face. “Kendra said I’m not allowed to touch you.”
Madi shook her head as her eyes fell to the floor. He could see that it pained her to even look at him.
“How are you?” he asked, taking a step forward as she took a step back.
“How do you think I am?” she asked without raising her eyes. She crossed her arms defensively over her chest, placing an X over the heart that had belonged to him just a few hours before.
“May I sit down?” he asked, pointing to the chair. He knew asking to sit on her bed would result in her discomfort.
“You’re not going to be in here long enough to sit. I don’t see the point,” she sputtered, her face still plastered to the floor.
Jake sat down anyway. He wasn’t going to leave until they’d worked things out.
“Just say you’re sorry and go,” she said, her voice quivering as she cleared her throat.
“I am sorry, but I’m not going anywhere. My reasons for being sorry are probably far different from what you’re expecting.”
“I changed my mind. I can’t do this. I need you to go.” Madi took a step toward the door and Jake hurled himself forward to stop her, breaking rule number one.
He pulled her arm toward him, and she unwillingly lunged forward, into his chest. He attempted to encase her against him, but she pushed away violently.
“Don’t!”
Jake jerked back with his hands in the air.
“Madi, please. Let me tell you what happened.”
For the first time since he’d been in the room, her eyes met his eyes. “I know what happened. I’m fully aware of what happened.” She took a step forward in fury as her eyes blazed and her teeth clenched. “I saw them. Every single one of them,” she exclaimed, pushing on his chest. “Now I know why you’re so tired on tour. It must be exhausting leading one girl on while you fuck the other for a camera!”
“I didn’t fuck her, Madi!”
Madi’s arms rose up to form a V around her head. “Oh, excuse me… That’s right. You made love to her. I’m the one you fucked, and fucked over!”
Jake’s eyes rolled back into his head as he fell into the chair behind him.
“I never had sex with her. And for the record, you are, beyond a doubt in my mind, the only girl I’ve ever truly made love to. I love you, Madi.”
It was Madi’s turn to roll her eyes.
“I do. Look at me. Look. At. Me!”
He broke rule number one and three as he lunged forward to turn her to him. Once again, she pulled away in protest.
“Love? Is that what you call this?” she asked as she pointed back and forth between them. “Do you know what I call this? I call it nothing. Because that’s what it is. It’s what it’s always been. You never wanted me. I had to beg you to give us a chance. It was only a matter of time until I found out what a fucking bastard you are. You cheating, lying, manipulating bastard! You lied to me time after time, and each time I believed you, like the stupid fool I am. Tessa was right! You’re a selfish waste of time. Are you waiting for me to drive off in my car now, so you can get rid of me too?”
Jake felt like the air had been sucked from his lungs. He staggered back as his eyes bulged and his mouth gaped.
Madi immediately gasped as her words registered in her head. She gripped the material on his arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Oh, God!” Her hands went to her eyes and she took short, shallow breaths, attempting to hold back her emotions. “I just want you to hurt, too. I want you to feel what I feel.”
As he swallowed hard, he realized she was only using the words as a weapon. It’s wasn’t what she felt. She didn’t hate him. She loved him, and her love for him, even while she thought he’d lied and cheated, was tearing her apart more than the cheating itself.
“I know.” He resisted the urge to comfort her. “I do feel what you feel, because I know how I would have felt if those pictures had been of you. But, Mads, it may have been my body, but I wasn’t there.”
Madi pulled her arms back across her body. “What’s that supposed to mean? That it was just sex?”
“I didn’t have sex with her. I don’t think I did. Please sit down and hear me out. If you’ve ever believed in me—in us—just give me a chance. Hear what I need you to hear.”
Madi stared at him before her eyes fell. That pull was there. He wanted to kiss her. To show her with his lips how much he adored her, and make her feel his love and need for her and her alone. He licked his lips and she took a step back, resting on the bed. Jake stood and edged closer, thinking he’d sit next to her.
She raised her finger. “No! Chair…”
Jake’s lips curled briefly. He knew she felt it too. If he sat too close, she wouldn’t be able to resist him. No matter how far apart they were, whether they were in the same room or anywhere on the same planet, they would always be connected.
As he sat in the chair, he pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He felt her eyes on him, but as he lifted his gaze, she turned away, so as not to be caught. Jake explained what had happened from the moment he spoke to her, through his interview, the concert, needing a drink and feeling sick. He explained how he couldn’t lift his eyes and how he could feel his clothing being removed. How he’d heard voices—Caleb first, then a woman—but passed out, not remembering a thing. He explained what Caleb had told him, not wanting to leave any details out, and how Rob had thought he’d been given a date-rape drug. He explained that he had a blood test, and that he’d soon have physical proof that he’d been drugged. As he spoke, Madi stared at the floor. She hugged herself tightly but never made eye contact with him.
“Please tell me you believe me. I swear to God, on my life, my career and my soul, that I didn’t participate in those pictures. I couldn’t have, because there was and is no way I would ever risk what you and I have. You make me feel whole. If I lost you, I don’t know what I’d do. Please tell me I haven’t lost you.”
Madi took a breath and closed her eyes. He could tell she was wavering.
He knelt down next to her and she gasped as her eyes flicked open. “Think about who I am. Remember all the things I’ve told you. All the times you could feel my love. I know what the pictures look like. I know they make me look like I was cheating, but I swear to you I don’t remember a thing. My eyes are closed in every one of them. Do you know why? Because I was unconscious.” He swallowed hard. “I know it looks like we’re kissing, but I’m not kissing her. She’s kissing me. I’m not touching her. I’d never touch her willingly. She’s not who I want. She’s nothing to me.”
Jake could see the quiver in her lips as she tried to steady herself. He stared at her intently, waiting, hoping she’d fly into his arms.
Instead, she lifted her hand, pulled back, and slapped him a
cross the face.
“Lies! Everything out of your mouth is a lie! Why would you do this? Why are you trying to string me along? Do you want us both? Is that it? Because you can’t have me anymore. I’m no longer falling for your games and your words and your false promises of truth.”
As Jake turned his head, feeling the sting from the blow of her hand and her words, the pain became too much to bear. He was hurt and angry. Did she ever believe a word he’d said to her? Why was this happening to him?
He kept his eyes closed. He couldn’t look at her. He was exhausted and more emotional than he’d been in his life. “You never believed me, did you? All those times I kissed you and touched you. You never believed I loved you.”
He opened his eyes. She needed to see what was inside. If eyes were the window to the soul, then maybe seeing what was in his would help her to understand what he was feeling. And if she didn’t want him, he needed to see it, not just hear her say the words. As he did, his eyes began to well with tears. As many times as he’d explained his devotion to her and as many times as she’d said she knew, she really never really got it. If she understood the depth of his feelings for her, she never would have questioned a word he’d said. He knew that his lies about Peter had made her doubt him and made this situation even more difficult to believe. A tear fell down his cheek, and she took a quick breath as her eyes met his again.
“I don’t know why someone would do this to me,” he continued. “Why would someone want to hurt me like this? What would they possibly have to gain by taking away the one thing that made me happy? Why?” His words came out in a pained voice as another tear shuddered down his cheek. He pushed it away and rose up from the floor.
Her eyes followed his movement and she seemed so afraid. Her eyes began to fill with her own tears.
“You just don’t love me the way I love you,” he said. “If you did, you’d know this couldn’t possibly be true.”
She took fast, labored breaths as she watched his lips move and listened to his words. He could feel his heart breaking. Maybe he couldn’t convince her because she was never really his to begin with. He pinched his eyes under his glasses, placed his hands back into his pockets, and moved toward the door.
Waiting to Lose Page 19
