Lowdown and Lush

by Selena Laurence

  I’m so shocked that I just stare at her as she goes back to the stove and starts ladling sauce into a giant serving dish.

  “Can you take that plate of bread out to the table?” she asks nonchalantly. “And then tell Walsh to come in and help me with the rest of this stuff.”

  Having been dismissed by my lecturer, I head out to the patio, bread in hand, head and heart full.

  Jenny

  I’VE JUST plowed through the front door of my house, struggling to unload the grocery bags I have in my hands so I can answer my phone. I dump the plastic bags on the counter in the tiny kitchen and shove my hand to the bottom of my purse, managing to snag the phone just before it stops ringing.

  “Hey,” I say, smiling.

  “Hi, beautiful. How are you?”

  “Good. Just got back from the grocery store. I got ingredients for an apple pie. I thought I’d bring one up for you tomorrow.”

  “You know I’ll eat anything you bake for me. What time do you think you’ll get here?”

  “Well, I can leave first thing in the morning, but you have work to do, don’t you?”

  “Once I go in and check on the progress for the day, I’m good to go. Why don’t you meet me at the loft at ten? I’ll take you out to breakfast.”

  I can’t help but smile. Breakfast is always his favorite meal.

  “Sure. That would be great.”

  “Okay. Call me when you get on the road.”

  “Yes sir.” I roll my eyes. I’ve driven from here to Dallas a hundred times.

  “Can’t wait to see you, Jenny.”

  “Me too. Oh, and, JR?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Wear that one tie I like. I have plans for it.”

  “Anything you say, baby.”

  MY DRIVE to Dallas is uneventful. It’s flat, it’s gray, it’s dull. I’ve been to Dallas every weekend for the last four weeks and JR’s come down to my place twice. When I ran into him in the airport flying back from Portland to Dallas, he could tell right away that things with Michael and me weren’t in a good place. When I told him that they weren’t in any place and wouldn’t be again, he was a sympathetic shoulder. But that quickly morphed into some sympathetic kisses. Before I knew it, we were talking on the phone every night, planning day trips to see each other, and basically picking right up where we left off.

  But things aren’t exactly like they were before. For one thing, I’m not a virgin, and while I haven’t explained my sexual history to JR, he’s been the beneficiary of it. I miss Michael so much sometimes I think I might fall into a hundred pieces—like a jigsaw puzzle that you try to pick up off a flat surface. Being with JR helps. Sex with JR helps. It’s not like sex with Michael. Nothing ever could be, and I know that. But I want to be normal. Have a normal relationship with someone who wants normal things. JR gives me that.

  When I pull up to his loft apartment, I’m confronted with the differences between this loft and Michael’s loft. This is a loft apartment in a new, slick building of loft apartments. It’s nice, it’s sophisticated, it’s safe. Just like JR, nothing like Michael. And nothing like his loft warehouse, which I’ve driven by once. Okay, several times. There’s no sign that he’s been there. The workers are gone. The place sits empty, a giant memorial to the big dreams I had about a life with him.

  JR and I spend a normal weekend. We go out to eat, we see a movie, we have a picnic at the zoo. It’s comfortable, and more than once I think about whether this could be the rest of my life. An easy, uncomplicated life with a kind, pleasant man.

  Monday morning JR gets up early to go into the restaurant. He has a flight back to Portland this afternoon, so I’ll get on the road when he leaves. I spend the morning running errands, and a little before noon I go back to the loft to meet JR for lunch.

  I get off the elevator on JR’s floor and I feel it—the disturbance in the air. The vibration of a storm coming. It’s not like what I usually feel with JR, and it scares me. My cocoon of safety feels compromised for the first time in a month. I shiver then move down the hall to his unit, a shopping bag in my hand.

  The door opens as soon as I touch my knuckles to it. JR pulls me inside and slams it shut, pressing me against it as he kisses me much more roughly than usual.

  When he pauses for a moment, I say, “Wow. Did you miss me that much in the last three hours?” I laugh and put my hand on his cheek. It’s so smooth. JR never has stubble even though I think he’d look sexy with it.

  He breathes deeply, like he’s taking me in, then leans his forehead against mine. “I’m glad you’re here. I was afraid you might have left town”

  I’m confused. “Why would I do that? We planned to have lunch together before your flight, didn’t we?”

  “That’s what I was hoping. I just thought I’d check.” He pulls back from me and takes my bag out of my hand. “Let me put this with your suitcase.”

  When he gets back from the bedroom, I’ve helped myself to a Coke and I’m sitting on the sofa. I flip through a Vogue magazine I left sitting on his coffee table.

  He sits down next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders. He takes the magazine out of my hand and tosses it on the table.

  “I have something to tell you.”

  “Ohh-kaay.” I knew something was going on, and I fight a brief panic that he’s going to break up with me. I can’t take any more disappointments this year.

  “I had a visitor this morning at the restaurant.”

  “Yeah?”

  “When I got in to work, Mike was waiting in my office.”

  A funny buzz hums in my head. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t even see.

  “Jenny? Jenny.” JR’s voice comes to me through the haze.

  “Yeah?”

  “I said, did you know he was coming to town?”

  I swallow. “No. I didn’t. I haven’t spoken to him since I left Portland.”

  “Well, he’s not here for a vacation,” JR says bitterly.

  “What do you mean?” My heart is hammering so loudly that I’d be surprised if he can’t hear it too.

  “He wanted to talk to me—about you.”

  My eyes narrow. “What?”

  “He came to tell me that he has no intention of letting me have you and that he’s here to fight for you. I told him you weren’t a piece of chattel in some medieval turf war, but he didn’t seem to give a damn. He said he was stopping by as a courtesy to me just to give me a heads-up. He hasn’t contacted you?”

  “No,” I breathe out. “Not a word.”

  “Well, he will soon, I’m sure.”

  He pauses, removing his arm from around me and leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. The big, single-paned windows of his open floor plan let in harsh sunlight that throws shadows around the room, making everything seem somewhat surreal.

  “I need to know Jenny. Does he have a chance? What am I up against here?” He steeples his fingers, pressing them lightly against his lips. “You and I have been doing great, but I realize you have a complicated history with him. I don’t mind giving you some space to make choices, but I don’t want to be played for a chump.”

  I rub his back, admiring the smooth texture of his cotton dress shirt. Trying like hell not to compare it to the soft cotton of Michael’s worn concert tees.

  “I would never play you, JR. I care about you. A lot. I’m in this with you and we’re just getting started. Michael and I are done. We don’t work, and we never will. It’s just the truth.”

  All the air seems to leave JR’s lungs and he turns, capturing me in his arms. He kisses my neck, my cheeks, my hair.

  “You don’t know how much I needed to hear that. I’ve been going crazy since he showed up. I came straight home afterwards to wait for you. I’ve been on pins and needles, so scared you’d say you had to give him another chance.”

  “No. I don’t need to give him another chance. He had his chance. It’s over.”

  We kiss for a few minutes, and it’s sweet,
and nice—and not Michael. I push the thoughts out of my head. Before long, JR’s hands are under my clothes and I’m aching and needy. I know that, for a few brief moments in his arms, I’ll feel like my life isn’t one big lie. So I follow him to his room and let him give me more of himself than I’ll ever be able to give him. Because you can’t give something you no longer have.

  BY THE time we’ve missed lunch and JR has rushed off to the airport, I’ve convinced myself that Michael just stopped in to see JR to give him a hard time. Michael would love nothing more than to mess with JR’s head if he heard that we are seeing each other.

  I don’t have the luxury of examining it all until I’m back in my car, headed home. While JR’s in Portland I’m going to spend a few days helping Mrs. Stallworth with her fall cleaning. I still have eight weeks of leave from my job, so I’ve been manufacturing things to do with my time. My bathroom has new paint, all my winter clothes have been unpacked, washed, dry cleaned, and ironed. Also, Mrs. Stallworth’s basement, where Colin stays when he’s in town, is spotless.

  The other thing I do is sneak meetings with my mama. My father has forbidden her from seeing me, but she does it anyway. Mrs. Stallworth lets us meet up at her house, so we have tea there once a week and catch up. My brother Scott’s written me from Killeen. He says that he’s too old to do anything but openly defy our father, so when he visits next time, he’ll stay at my house like he always does and we’ll see what Daddy does. I think Scott initially thought that Daddy’s banishment would be temporary, but now that it’s dragged on for months, he’s ready to battle on my side.

  Once in the car, a two-hour drive ahead of me, I can’t ignore my feelings about Michael for another minute. I pull onto the highway and it hits me in waves. Sadness, confusion, remorse, anger. Michael had to have known that, if he wanted to torture JR, I’d hear about it too. Did it ever occur to him that it would be upsetting to me to hear that he was going to fight for me?

  The one thing I do know is that I don’t feel any differently than I did a month ago. I want children, and if Michael won’t give them to me, then he’s not the one for me—no matter how wrong that feels. I’ll date the JRs of the world until I find the best one, and then I’ll love my children and my family and my music and I won’t look back.

  Not even when Michael Owens is standing on my front porch, watching me.

  I bring the car to a jolting stop in my driveway and just look at him. He’s wearing a tight, black, silk T-shirt tucked into a pair of designer jeans with cowboy boots. He got his hair cut, and his stubble is that perfect length, sexy but groomed. He’s done this on purpose. He knows how he looks and he’s using it against me. Using his body and sex to soften me up before I can even leave the car. I hate him.

  I slam the car door harder than I need to.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask as I approach my front steps.

  He grins down at me like a hungry wolf. “It’s good to see you too, Sunshine. Really good.”

  I climb the stairs, nudging him out of the way when he doesn’t move aside. I head right to the front door and start trying to put the key in the lock, but my hands are trembling and I can’t get it in.

  “Here.” His voice is right next to my ear as he reaches around me and takes the keys from my hand. He steadily inserts the right one into the lock and the door swings open.

  Did I mention that I hate him?

  Before I can think, he’s reached down and taken my duffel bag from my hand. “After you,” he says, gesturing for me to enter.

  “Thanks, but it’s my house. I think that’s my line.”

  I walk in and I know he’s followed me when I hear the door shut behind us.

  I swing on him. “I don’t recall inviting you in.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.

  His eyes go straight to my breasts and he smiles before he looks me in the eye. I glare at him. “Since when do I need an invitation?” he asks innocently.

  “Since we’re over.”

  “Sunshine, I’m still your boss. I need to talk to you, so I came and found you. I could have tracked you down at JR’s place this morning if you think that would have been better?”

  He raises one of those perfect dark eyebrows, and my heart goes pitter-patter.

  One more time. I. Hate. Him.

  “JR is not an acceptable topic for conversation,” I snap out. “What do you want?”

  He strolls into my living room then sits down on my sofa. “Come sit for a bit, Sunshine. You must be tired after a long weekend of…what? Did you eat out a lot? Go clubbing? Visit museums? Or maybe you spent the weekend in bed?” He looks at me hard as I begin to pace the floor in front of the sofa.

  “That. Is none of your business, Michael.”

  He’s sprawled out on my sofa now like he owns the darn place. Infuriating man.

  “Normally, I’d agree with you, Sunshine, but there are a couple of things going on here. The first one is that you’re mine. I know I haven’t been too clear on that the last few weeks. I fucked up. I realize it and I’m here to make it right. But that doesn’t change the fact that you and I belong to each other—heart and soul.”

  My breath hitches in my throat and I stare at the penetrating look he’s giving me. His eyes are like burning embers, and I can almost feel the heat. The heat of his touch, his hands stroking all over my skin. The heat of him inside me as he pumps slowly in and out, running his tongue across places that burn and sizzle in response.

  “We’re over, Michael.”.

  “Not even close, baby. Not even close,” he rasps out.

  The air between us is heavy for a moment. Then he gives himself a small shake and continues.

  “The second reason your activities are my business is that it was JR who pretty much told me he was fucking you. If you want to be pissed at someone for being indiscreet, talk to lover boy. He made it my business.”

  I grind my teeth and turn away from him for a moment. I’m sure JR let Michael taunt him into it, but I’m having a hard time not being angry.

  “Will you please just get to the point?” I ask, facing him again.

  “JR didn’t tell you?” he asks nonchalantly.

  “Michael…” My voice carries the warning tone I use for my kindergartners. Michael’s behaving like one, so if the shoe fits.

  He sighs then stands and steps not around, but over my coffee table. His legs are so long that he clears it in one giant stride. Then he’s nearly on top of me, looking down at me, big and hot and so sexy that it takes my last poor breath away.

  “I’m here for you,” he says in a low voice. “Only you. Not any bullshit about the album. Not some pissing match with JR. Not to ask you to give me another chance. I’m here for you. You’re mine, I’m yours, and we have a whole damn life to live together. I want my ring on your finger, my dick in your pussy, and my baby in your belly. I’m done fucking around Sunshine. It’s time.”

  I’m shocked. And turned on. And angry as a bull in a room full of red. I feel my hand flutter to my throat as I struggle to control my responses. I finally settle on something that doesn’t give away anything.

  “You’re crude and disgusting,” I tell him, one eyebrow raised.

  “Maybe.” He steps closer. I didn’t think that was possible. His voice is softer now. “But you love me anyway, and even if I don’t always say it with roses and champagne, I love you, Jenny.”

  When I stare up into his eyes, I know I won’t be able to turn him away, but I also know I can’t simply take him back. I don’t understand any of this.

  “What changed?” My voice is barely above a whisper.

  “Tammy,” he answers. “She researched bipolar disorder. She talked to her doctor about it. She told me the different ways they have to treat it these days and that DNA is only one factor that determines whether you get it. It wasn’t enough to change my mind, but it was enough to get me to find out more. It was enough to get me to go to a doctor, a psychiatrist in Portland who’s a big expert
.”

  I can’t help but reach out and touch his hand as he talks.

  “He gave me tests, looked at my brain chemistry, talked to Dad and me about Loretta’s symptoms. He thinks she may have had something more than just bipolar disorder. Schizoaffective disorder. I didn’t understand all of it, but, Sunshine, there’s no reason to think that I’ll ever be like her. For one thing, I’m a long way past the average age of onset for bipolar disorder. And right now, every test he did on me came out really normal. Boringly normal, Jen.”

  His hand moves up my arm and he leans down to look me in the eyes. His breath fanning across my lips creates an ache inside I thought I’d never feel again.

  “What do you say, Sunshine?”

  I step back from him. “I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. You told me no children. Now you’re saying, what? That’s completely changed?”

  “Yeah, I am.”

  “You have to understand. I’ve been seeing JR. He’s a good guy. I care about him.”

  “But do you love him? Does he make you feel what I do?”

  I step away, facing the little fireplace I like to light on cold winter nights. I realize that, the last time I lit it, Michael was here with me. We watched movies and ate popcorn. We were only friends then, and he was trying to convince me to pursue my music. Without Michael, my life would have been so much simpler. And so much emptier.

  “I need a few days,” I say, not answering his question. “I have to think. I can’t make a decision that affects three people’s lives with five minutes’ notice. It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.”

  He nods once. “All right. I’m not going anywhere. Take a day, take a year. I’ll be wherever you are, Sunshine. And you know I have the means to do it,” he adds like it’s a threat.