by James, Sandy
As if she’d put her heart out on a platter for him to rend and serve right back to her. She already hurt more than she could bear. Another rejection would surely kill her.
“Is it the kids? Do you mish Lynne and John?”
She nodded. I miss all my kids, including the son I never got to love. And I miss my husband, too.
“Me too. And the baby,” he whispered as he closed his eyes again.
Susan’s eyes flew wide as she hardly believed what she heard spill from his lips. “The baby?” He missed the baby? “You never wanted to talk about him. You never let me talk about him, either.”
James didn’t even open his eyes this time. A few more moments, and he’d be too far gone to fatigue and alcohol to talk. She hoped to get some honesty before she lost him to a drunken sleep.
“’Cause it made you sad,” he finally said. “If I said anything, you’d cry. I can’t shtand to see you cry. Crying wouldn’t bring him back.”
“You didn’t want the baby. You told me it was all for the best. You said the doctor was right, that losing him was nature’s way.”
His only answer was a soft, openmouthed snore.
Son of a bitch.
He was finally opening up for the first time, finally being candid about their lost son for the first time, and he fell asleep.
Did he really mean it? That he missed their baby too? If he would have told her sooner, it might have made all the difference in the world.
James slept, cradling her hand against his chest. Susan couldn’t bring herself to pull away. She remembered another time he’d held her hand—in the ultrasound room as she had suffered painful contractions while the doctor said he couldn’t find their son’s heartbeat. The memory had always been a blur of grief and the different drugs they’d shot her full of, and her recollection was always of James being so stoic, so calm while she felt like her world had fallen apart.
Distance and time brought more to the memory. He might have been calm, but now she remembered the pain in his eyes. She remembered his choked-up voice as he asked if there was anything they could do for the baby. And she remembered him begging the doctor to make sure she was all right, telling him saving her was the most important thing.
Susan squeezed his hand. She’d been so damned mean to him when she got home from the hospital. Everything inside her hurt, both physically and psychologically. She’d lashed out at James because he’d gone right back into their routine when she wanted someone to ache as much as she did. He’d gone back to work, bought groceries, gone to the kids’ baseball games and volleyball tournaments. He’d fallen right back into his life as if their son hadn’t died, when all she wanted to do was sit on the couch in her sweats, watch television, and cry.
After six weeks, James had forced her to go back to work, claiming they couldn’t meet all their financial obligations if she took any more time off. She’d hated him for that. At first. Being around her students had pulled her back into the world of the living. But he’d been so adamant, so pitiless, demanding that she teach no matter how much she begged that she still wanted to stay home.
Her eyes took in his handsome face, and she raised his hand to reverently kiss the back of it. He’d been so demanding because it was exactly what she needed. She needed to shed her grief and go back to a job he knew satisfied her. Until his drunken confession, she’d never considered just how hard the whole ordeal had been on him. She had been too selfishly wrapped up in her own grief to notice.
If only they could go back in time, in more ways than one, to mend this rift. But it was now nothing but water under the proverbial bridge. There was no way to change the loss of their son.
Thanks to the stone, they faced two choices. Either they’d move forward together again or they’d move farther apart and on to separate lives. Damn, how she wanted that first choice, to find that rock and go back to her kids, her home, and her life.
Susan felt good and stuck. She loved one man and had feelings for another, one who wanted to marry her. She was adrift in time with no buoy in sight, and she wondered if she would ever see her children again.
What happens now?
Chapter 17
Morning came much sooner than Susan would have liked. She felt foggy and more than a little tired, and all she wanted was to fall back asleep, if only for a few more minutes. Something prodded at her to get up, to go back to searching for the damned destiny rock.
After dressing, she wandered downstairs to choke down some breakfast, thinking that she’d have to heat up water that afternoon if she wanted a bath. God, how she missed showers—long, hot showers with sweet-smelling shampoo that didn’t make her eyes sting and soap that didn’t feel like sandpaper against her skin. She’d probably commit a crime for an Egyptian cotton towel.
James always went to the river to bathe, and she was seriously considering following suit. He wasn’t up yet, so she couldn’t ask him the best place to go for privacy. Cradling a ceramic mug and sipping the muddy water that served as coffee in this century, she went to check on him and ask about a bath in the river.
Susan found him sprawled on his back on his bunk at an odd angle that made his feet dangle over the side. “James? You awake?”
He replied with a groan and rolled over to his stomach. “Let me die in peace.”
So he had a hangover. No surprise there. Served him right for drinking whiskey with Li’l Jim in the middle of the night.
Returning to the kitchen, Susan put on some fresh and much stronger coffee to brew, gathered together a bland breakfast that would help settle his stomach, and left to go on her daily search.
She strolled past a few buildings before a thought popped into her head. She could cover more ground on horseback. Poor Tobacco was probably standing in his stall at the livery, hoping for someone to come take him for a ride. James might get mad at her later, but she decided to give both her and Tobacco a little bit of freedom.
Ducking through the alley to take a shortcut to the stable, Susan stopped short when she saw Caroline and Hank sneaking out of the back door to the Golden Nugget. Caroline was dressed in a robe, and Hank’s shirt wasn’t buttoned.
Their words floated across the way, barely loud enough for Susan to hear.
“You and Cain will be ready?” Caroline asked, grabbing Hank’s hand with both of hers. “Promise? Promise me you’ll follow our plan.”
“We’ll take care of things, Carrie.” Hank set his mouth into a deep frown. “I still don’t like it. There’s gotta be a better way.”
“We’ve talked and talked about this, sugar.” She ran her hands down his bare chest. “It’s all for the best. This way, everyone wins. ’Specially Daniel. Remember, we’re doing this for him. Besides, it’s just until the wedding.”
Wedding? Had she stumbled across the two planning to elope? And why would their elopement be good for Daniel?
“Cain and me will take care of things.” Hank gave Caroline a long, deep kiss then hurried away.
Susan’s first reaction was indignant anger. Damn Caroline anyway! How could she cheat on James like that? He was a good man and deserved much better than a silly, teenager who couldn’t keep her legs closed.
Next came smug satisfaction. What would he say about his little girlfriend intimately entertaining Hank? James had become something she’d never expected. A cliché—a stupid middle-aged man who wanted to feel young again by sleeping with some young girl. And that girl got around. The jealousy flooded her thoughts, so thick and strong she almost shook her head, hoping to make the unwanted emotion disappear.
Where did all of this leave her?
After watching Caroline go back inside, Susan continued on her way to the stable, figuring she’d hash it all out in her mind once she got some fresh air and freedom.
She’d forgotten how much she loved being around horses until the smells and sights of the barn filled her senses. Leather. Fresh hay. Even manure. A long ride would do her good. Afraid she wouldn’t recognize the horse,
she was relieved to find Tobacco was the only bay in a barn full of gray and brown horses.
“Hi, big guy. Wanna go for a nice ride?” He actually nodded at her in reply and stamped his front foot in the straw. Grabbing the leather halter from the hook next to his stall, she slipped inside to slide it over the horse’s head. Tobacco must have been in a cooperative mood because he let her lead him out to the aisle between the stalls where she tied him up and then gathered the tack she needed from the trunk in front of his stall.
Susan enjoyed brushing and saddling the gelding. He also made a great listener as she unloaded all her conflicting feelings over everything that had happened to her and what she felt about seeing Caroline and Hank together.
The boy who ran the livery walked into the barn just as she finished tightening the cinch on the saddle. He stomped over to where she worked and threw her a nasty glare. “That’s Big Jim’s horse.”
She waved him away with the back of her hand. “I know. He said I could ride him.”
He didn’t look like he believed her as he crossed his arms over his skinny chest and frowned at her. “Didn’t say nothin’ to me ’bout it. It’s a crime to steal a horse. We hang folks for that ’round these parts.”
Since the kid wasn’t any older than her students, she refused to let him intimidate her. “I have his permission.” The boy frowned. “Let’s just say, we’re…close.”
“Thought Caroline said he was her beau.” He seemed to think things over. She could almost see the thoughts bouncing around in his empty head. “Yep. That’s what she told me, all right. I ’member her sayin’ just that. ‘Big Jim’s my beau.’”
Thanks for reminding me. “I don’t care who Caroline’s beau is. Big Jim’s my friend, and I’m taking his horse out for a ride.”
Susan climbed on Tobacco’s back, clucked her tongue, and gave him a gentle nudge with her heels. She trotted right by the livery boy and followed the road out of town.
Tobacco took off at a trot as they headed toward the foothills in the distance. By the time they reached the open stretch between the foothills and the forest, she urged him to a canter and felt the horse tugging at the bit, straining to be turned loose to gallop.
Turned loose. Maybe that was just what she needed too. To be turned loose. To be free. To run fast and long and very, very far.
To just…be for once.
Today would be for her, for Tobacco, and for fun. Susan would set aside her quest for the stone of destiny and simply enjoy being in this place and in this time. Like Daniel and that guide Harry suggested, for once she would let go.
She obliged the horse’s desire, letting up on the reins to give him his head, leaning over his neck, and hanging on for a good, invigorating run.
* * * *
Judging from the sounds coming from the bar, someone was restocking the bottles of whiskey. Each and every ring of glass hitting glass sounded like a jackhammer in James’s head.
Shit, he was too damned old to drink like that. And whiskey? What had he been thinking?
He’d been thinking that he’d lost Susan. That memory made him even more nauseous.
Rolling out of bed, he stumbled to the kitchen, ignoring Li’l Jim who whistled an ear-piercing song as he worked behind the bar. The whistle changed to a chuckle as James passed him with a groan as a greeting.
“Susan?” The sound echoed through the empty kitchen. His gaze fell upon food sitting on the table. She’d left breakfast for him. Toast. Oatmeal. Coffee. She’d obviously realized he’d need a bland diet this morning. Very considerate of her.
Then it dawned on him that Susan always put other people’s needs before her own. In all the years they’d been together, she’d taken very good care of him. He always had clean clothes. The refrigerator never lacked food. If he ever ran out of his favorite treat—peanut butter cups—new ones always appeared the next day. She even put them in his sock drawer and pretended that he wasn’t sucking them down like crazy lately because of the stress from his job. Just like he’d bought her ice cream, she’d provided what he needed as comfort food.
Susan had been a fantastic wife.
And he’d thrown her away.
Why? What had happened to make him think he didn’t love her? Because he did. He loved her with all his heart. His life felt empty without her.
James poured himself a cup of coffee, picked up a piece of toast, and sat down at the table. Sipping from his mug, he tried to analyze the last year with less emotion and more common sense.
Work sucked. No way around that. But he’d never taken that stress out on Susan. She’d let him talk his frustrations away and usually soothed his anger with a hug or a caress. They’d always shared their burdens. They’d always shared all of their burdens.
The truth hit him with the intensity of a lightning strike. They hadn’t shared the burden thrust upon them when their son died.
Susan had to go through labor again, knowing their five-month-grown baby was already dead. James’s heart had been breaking into a million pieces as he mourned the loss of that midlife surprise child, and he’d hated watching Susan not only deal with the mental anguish but the physical repercussions as well.
After their baby was delivered, there was no celebration, no tears of joy at the sounds of a child’s first cries. The nurses wrapped the impossibly tiny baby in a blue blanket, and Susan had held him for the longest time, her body wracked with sobs. He couldn’t hold his son. He just couldn’t. Because then it would be real.
When they’d come home from the hospital, they didn’t have a service. None of them wanted to face people, even if the mourners were family and friends. He and Susan stood by Lynne and John as they watched that unbearably small coffin being lowered into the ground.
As soon as they returned home, she’d taken to lying on the couch every day and flipping through channels on the television even though she never really watched anything. He’d never seen a person look so sad. Neither of them talked about their loss. All James knew to say was to repeat what the doctor had told them. He’d probably sounded like a damned parrot.
It was a blessing, nature’s way of dealing with a baby who couldn’t survive.
Sure, the words sounded trite and he hated hearing them fall from his own mouth, but what else could he say to his grieving wife? He couldn’t dump his own sadness and despair on her already overburdened shoulders. She didn’t seem to hear him anyway.
James had finally taken on the role of taskmaster because he figured the best thing they could both do was get back to their routines. He’d made it crystal clear she needed to go back to work, even though financially they could have survived. Susan thrived as a teacher, and if she spent time with her students again, she might snap out of the depression. If that hadn’t worked, and thank God it did, he would have talked to the doctor again. But she’d slowly come out of her blues and had returned to a job she loved.
Until he’d taken the time to think, he hadn’t realized that things hadn’t been the same between them since. Maybe they needed to sit down and have a nice long talk. Maybe they needed to cry together about their son. Maybe things could be good again.
When they’d landed in this new place, this new time, James had pretended he could simply start over. Back at square one. Young and ready to take on the world. Ready to show his dictatorial father he could make it on his own. Ready to leave behind his crippling stress. Ready to carve himself a new destiny.
Susan had been thrust into a new world too, a world that wasn’t her own, and in his desperate need for a fresh start, he’d abandoned her. God, he hated himself for that, but at the time, he felt like he had no choice.
Yet his Suz had thrived despite him. She’d adapted. Adapted? Hell, she’d changed this world as much as it had changed her. And both for the better. He’d never seen her so full of life, so sure of herself, or so damned sexy. He still wanted her. He still loved her. Everyone loved her.
Especially Daniel Miller.
Son of a bi
tch.
Caroline came walking into the kitchen, breaking James’s troubled thoughts. “Good morning, Big Jim.”
James gave her a nod curt enough to be rude. As bad as his head hurt, he wasn’t up to listening to her nonsense.
Her gaze wandered the kitchen. “Where’s Susan off to? Having a meal with Daniel, you think?”
His replying shrug made his head ache.
“Well, then, we can have breakfast together. Just the two of us. Nice’n cozy. Just like all the other couples.”
Like he needed to deal with her stupid, immature crush this early in the morning. “We’re not a couple.” Chugging down more of his coffee, he shoved the last bite of toast in his mouth and turned to leave.
“Wait, sugar. I want to talk to you.”
The groan slipped out before James realized how she’d be affected by his annoyance.
Narrowing her blue eyes, she balled her fists against her sides. “Don’t you growl at me like some mean ole bear. I wanna know if you’re going to the dance tonight.”
Again with that damned dance. It was like the whole town found itself in a tizzy over the ridiculous event.
“No. I’m not going.” That was a lie. He was going, if only to keep an eye on Susan and make sure Daniel kept his mitts to himself. Maybe James could dance with her, a waltz just like Li’l Jim taught him. At least if he could remember the lesson. Maybe dancing with her would help win her back.
“Well, then, I’ve decided you’re taking me.” She flashed him a smile as she curled some blonde hair around her finger.
A groan spilled out. “I’m not taking you anywhere, Caroline. Go ask Hank. He obviously likes you ’cause he hangs around all the time. Go with him.”
“He’s nothin’ but a boy. I need a man.”
“You need someone your own age.”
She sidled up next to him and reached for his free hand. Before her hand touched his, he wrapped his fingers around his coffee mug, holding it like some precious piece of fine crystal. “I said no.”
