To Love a Cop

by Janice Kay Johnson

  Matt had been impossible to separate from his family. It was why the isolation from them, when it came, had devastated him so entirely. Even so, she suspected it would pain him to think of Jake growing up not even knowing aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents. Matt would have forgiven them.

  She thought.

  She finished her cereal and inhaled her coffee, not surprised when Jake finished his own bowl of cereal and made a couple of slices of toast to top it off.

  “Do you mind buying lunch today?” she asked, watching as he spread jam lavishly on the toast.

  “It’s something gross.” After a pause, he said grudgingly, “I can make my own.”

  “Thank you.”

  He sat down across from her, but instead of immediately gobbling his food, looked at her with his face set in an unfamiliar way. “So, I’ve been thinking about Dad’s family. Like you said I should. And I don’t want to talk to them.”

  Coming out of the blue like this, it took a minute to sink in. Apparently, she wasn’t the only one who’d been brooding.

  She nodded. “Why don’t you talk to Ethan about it? He might have more perspective than you and I do.”

  “But he doesn’t get to say, right?” The spark of resentment was unmistakable.

  “No, of course not. Jake, I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to.”

  “Then why should I talk to him about it? I told you. I don’t want anything to do with them.” He shoved about half a slice of toast in his mouth.

  Not in the mood to chide him for his table manners, Laura pretended she didn’t see.

  This was her fault. The poison of her anger had spread to him. Did that have something to do with his fascination with guns?

  That worry was even more wrenching than her fear that his obsession had to do with him accidentally shooting Marco.

  But he wasn’t suicidal. Was he?

  Sick now, she was grateful that Ethan would be coming over for dinner. Barring the ever-possible “something happening,” of course. Don’t let something happen today, she begged. We need him.

  She dropped Jake off at school as she often did, since it wasn’t far out of her way to work. She stayed at the curb longer than she should have, watching as he trudged toward the entrance, his book bag slung over one shoulder. Her heart wrung at the sight of him seeming so alone, even though common sense said it was chance none of his friends were arriving at the same time.

  She couldn’t let herself call Ethan during the day, any more than she would have called Matt midshift to remind him to pick up some milk on his way home. In an emergency, yes. Otherwise, no.

  She was tired and letting it get to her, that’s all. Jake wanting to talk about his father’s family was a good sign, suggesting he trusted her. It might be seeing Dr. Lang that had gotten him thinking about the past. After the first visit, she hadn’t asked what he and Randall talked about. She’d been reassured in the one session by how comfortable Jake seemed with Randall and with Ethan there, too.

  It would probably be surprising if he didn’t have some mixed feelings about Ethan, she reflected, as she unlocked the back door of the store and let herself in. Since she was, as usual, the first to arrive, the silence as she began turning on lights let her follow her train of thought.

  There was no question Ethan had stepped in as a father figure for Jake, who was probably battling guilt at not staying completely loyal to Matt’s memory. Or he might still resent the fact that Ethan had nabbed him at the gun show and therefore been responsible for getting him into trouble, leading to her taking away his precious magazines and gun catalogs and making him go back into counseling.

  And then there was the fact that it was Ethan who had decided he couldn’t finish the hunter safety class while also refusing to give him a chance to shoot at the range.

  And honestly...she’d expected some fireworks when she told him she and Ethan were dating. He had to wonder, didn’t he, whether Ethan hadn’t used him to get close to her?

  Instead, he’d been mostly agreeable these past couple of weeks. Once, early on, he’d asked, “You still have my magazines, right?” She’d agreed she had kept her word. She asked if he’d talked to Randall about them, and he’d done the turtle thing and said, “Not really.”

  Oh, God, she thought now—she needed to check tonight to be sure those damn magazines were still untouched. And, yes, look under his mattress. No, he was smarter than that—search his room, then.

  Standing stock-still in the middle of the vast, eerily empty and silent store, she breathed deep and waited for the panic to subside.

  Oh, Ethan. Please be able to make it tonight.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  LEANING BACK AGAINST the kitchen counter, Ethan braced himself with his feet apart and drew Laura to stand between his thighs. He cupped the back of her head, breathed her in and said in a voice not pitched to be heard beyond the two of them, “Got to tell you, fond as I am of your son, I’m really starting to crave time with just you.”

  They had this moment only because Jake’s friend Ron had called and he’d taken the phone while he went to change into sweats and athletic shoes because Ethan was taking him to the indoor climbing gym again.

  “Lunch...” she began, but he groaned.

  “I can’t for the rest of the week. I didn’t tell you I’m doing a surveillance gig at night. Means I’m not hitting the sack until something like 3:00 a.m., if I’m lucky. I guess I could call lunch breakfast...”

  She smiled weakly. “If we actually ate.”

  He flashed a grin and bent his head to kiss her neck. “Doesn’t seem like we’ve had much time just to talk.”

  Laura nodded her agreement, even as her knees grew weak and she tipped her head to give him better access to her neck and throat.

  “I’ve been worried about Jake—”

  Frustration showed on his face when he lifted his head. “I know you are, but that’s what I’m trying to say. There’s an us, too. A you and a me.”

  She stiffened slightly. “I’m a mother.”

  His hands slid down to her upper arms and he gave her a small shake. “I know,” he said, his voice softening. “But even a mother is entitled to a life outside her kid’s.”

  On something like a whimper, Laura leaned against him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I want one,” she whispered. “It’s just...”

  “You’ve spent six years entirely devoted to Jake and his needs. Letting go at all isn’t easy, is it?”

  She shook her head but didn’t say anything. How could she relax her vigilance until she was absolutely positive Jake had truly healed?

  She couldn’t.

  But...Ethan was also right that she desperately wanted something more for herself. Inevitably, Jake would draw away from her in the next few years. Already he didn’t confide in her the way he had when he was younger. He’d be a teenager before she knew it. What’s more, he was a boy, and she hadn’t even had a brother to give her any insight into what it was like growing up male. When he was younger, it hadn’t mattered as much, but from here on out...

  “Maybe we could go on a date,” Ethan said suddenly, in a low growl. “Out to dinner. Just us. To a movie, if you want. Or a play, or concert.”

  She rubbed her cheek against him, feeling the softness of his T-shirt against her cheek, and the hard muscles beneath. “Yes. Please. I want you for Jake, but I want you for me, too. I do.”

  “Okay.” He sighed, his embrace slackening. “I hear him coming.”

  Oh, Lord, she hadn’t. Fine mother she was.

  She straightened and took a step back just in time. Jake burst into the kitchen.

  “Are you ready to go—?” His lip curled at the sight of Ethan and his mother standing so close together. Ethan’s hands still rested on her waist. “Are you cuddling?”

  “Something like that,” Ethan said with a smile. “I’m trying to talk your mom into going out with me for a nice dinner.”

  “Without me?” He
sounded outraged.

  “Yep.” Ethan’s eyebrows quirked. “You and I are going somewhere without her, aren’t we?”

  “Well, yeah,” Jake said, his indignation subsiding. “Except you asked her if she wanted to come.”

  “So I did.” Ethan kissed her cheek and looked at Jake. “Let’s get going. We have walls to climb.”

  “Yay!”

  They left in a rush, making Laura wish for a moment that she was going with them. She’d had the feeling, though, that Jake could use some time with Ethan, and, honestly, she was so tired, the idea of climbing hadn’t been all that appealing tonight.

  A book and a hot bath with fragrant oil sounded like bliss to her right now.

  But first, she was going to search her son’s bedroom.

  * * *

  JAKE DIDN’T KNOW WHY, but on the way home he said, “Did Mom tell you one of my aunts and my grandma Vennetti called?”

  “She did.” Ethan braked for a red light. “Both calls upset her.”

  “She asked if I want to talk to them. She said she shouldn’t have decided without asking me.”

  “I’d agree with that.” At a stop, Ethan turned in his seat to look at Jake. “How do you feel about it?”

  He shrugged, still gazing straight ahead. “I told her I don’t want to. After...you know, I never saw anyone from Dad’s side of the family until Nick and Gianna started at my school this year.” He felt and sounded belligerent. “They didn’t care about me, so why should I care about them?”

  “I don’t blame you for feeling that way,” Ethan said after a minute. Jake liked how he always seemed to pause to think about what you’d just said, instead of jumping in with his opinion without really listening first, the way most adults did.

  “Mom said I should talk to you. I guess she thought you’d argue with me.”

  Ethan laughed. “Not sure that’s a compliment.”

  Jake smiled a little. “I think she sort of wanted to argue with me, but she sort of didn’t, too.”

  “So she passed the buck? I think you’re right. She was really angry that anyone from your dad’s family would call now after ignoring the two of you all these years.” He grunted. “Your grandmother insisted that your mom had to learn to be forgiving. I gather your mother blew her top. She pointed out that’s kind of like the pan calling the kettle black, but probably not that nicely.”

  Jake nodded. “So—are you going to argue?”

  “Argue? No.” With the light green, Ethan pressed on the accelerator. “I do think it’s possible that you’ll eventually regret not having any contact with such a big part of your family. Your dad was really close to them, you know.”

  “You mean, until they decided he wasn’t worth spit.”

  “It was hard for them.” Ethan’s tone was mild, as if he wanted Jake to know he wasn’t pushing him to feel any different, just commenting. “When you really hurt, it can make you want to lash out. I doubt Marco’s mom and dad were in any shape to understand that you and your mom and dad hurt, too.”

  Jake’s fingers bit into his thighs. He didn’t like thinking about back then, or about Marco. But lately...he hadn’t been able to help himself.

  “But what about Grandma and Grandad? And...and my other aunts and uncles and cousins? Didn’t they love us at all?” It was a cry from his heart, even though he knew that was a dumb thing even to say.

  “Yeah.” Ethan’s voice was husky. He reached over and squeezed the back of Jake’s neck. “They did. They were just torn, and they all thought Marco’s parents had been hurt the most, so they took their side.”

  “But...” He had to swallow what felt like a big lump in his throat. “After Dad died...”

  “Remember they were especially angry at your father.”

  “And me.”

  “Yeah, they were. They forgot how young you were.” Ethan was quiet for a minute. They were between streetlights, and Jake couldn’t make out his face. “Until your mother reminded them.”

  “That’s why Uncle Tino cried.” Jake couldn’t even imagine that. Mostly what he remembered was Uncle Tino slugging Dad.

  “It is.”

  “Now they feel bad, so I’m supposed to say it’s okay they didn’t even come to Dad’s funeral?”

  Ethan put the turn signal on. They were only a block from home.

  “No, I wouldn’t say that. It isn’t okay. Maybe you should see them just so you have a chance to say exactly that. I’ll bet there have been a million times you’ve wished you could.”

  Jake twisted his mouth. Sometimes he did imagine what he’d say if they showed up on the doorstep to beg his forgiveness.

  “As I reminded your mom, you have a bunch of cousins near your age. None of what happened was their fault.”

  “Except Nick and Gianna,” he mumbled.

  “Maybe except them,” Ethan agreed. “Although all they knew was what their father had told them. It sounds like maybe they’re ashamed of themselves now.”

  Jake shrugged, remembering Nick’s awkward, sort-of apology.

  “It might be cool to have more cousins. Find out more about your dad’s side of the family. Hear stories from when he was a kid.” Ethan pulled into the driveway and put the gearshift into Park although he left the engine running. “This really isn’t something you have to decide now, though. They want to make it all better right now, or maybe convince themselves it’s all better, but it’s not their call. It’s yours. Maybe in a year you’ll feel different. Three years, ten years. Even as an adult, you could look up some of those cousins. So don’t stress yourself too much about it, okay?”

  Jake nodded. He felt better hearing that. Because, well, sometimes his friends talked about stuff they did with their grandparents—Evan’s had taken him to Mexico for a week, without his parents—and Jake felt funny, knowing he had grandparents who pretended he didn’t exist. Plus, it had been weird, seeing how much he and Nick looked alike. It might be almost like having a brother.

  But he also didn’t want to forgive any of them. Almost as bad as remembering what happened with the gun was this time afterward when Jake had heard a weird sound and gone to look into his parents’ bedroom. Dad had been sitting on the bed, bent over with his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face. Sobs shook his whole body. Tears had dripped from between his fingers. It scared Jake so bad, he ran back to his room and cried, too.

  Thinking about it still scared Jake more than about anything because... He didn’t know. Daddy was big and strong and he wasn’t supposed to break down sobbing! Only he did, and then he killed himself, and Jake almost hated him because he left Mom and him, and didn’t he know how much they needed him?

  Usually he felt guilty and maybe a little bit scared all over again when he thought, Ethan would never have done that. But this time...this time he thought defiantly, I hope Mom does marry Ethan so he can be my dad.

  “You okay?” Ethan asked, and Jake nodded.

  “I guess I should go in. ’Cuz I didn’t tell Mom, but I have a little bit of homework to do.”

  Ethan just laughed. “If you’d told her, she might not have let you go, and I had fun. But you’d better get on with it so she doesn’t find out. So scoot.”

  Jake opened his door but turned back. “Are you really coming to dinner tomorrow night, too?”

  “I’m planning to. Do you mind?”

  Jake shook his head, suddenly feeling a little shy. “It’s cool.”

  “Good.” Ethan was smiling when Jake slid out, said good-night and slammed the door.

  * * *

  WEDNESDAY GOT OFF to a damn good start as far as Ethan was concerned. Asleep by four, he woke up at eleven feeling fine. So fine, he called Laura and asked if she’d like to take a lunch break. He even had time to gobble a bowl of cereal before he picked her up and they came back to his apartment for sex that seemed to get better every time, even though, how could it?

  Laura giggled when he said something like that. He loved looking at her face a
t moments like this. Even though her mouth was puffy from him devouring it and she had some whisker burn on her jaw and, uh, he ought to point out the hickey he seemed to have given her—she might have been years younger than she often appeared. Her eyes were a clearer blue than usual, as if a cloud had passed, leaving only sunlight. He wondered how often in the past six years she’d looked as carefree as she did right now.

  They even had time for him to make a sandwich for her, and for them to talk for a few minutes. He told her a little bit about his conversation with Jake, not giving away the parts he thought were confidences, but letting her know Jake had asked his opinion.

  “No idea what he’ll decide,” he concluded, “but I told him there’s no hurry, either. He can look Matt’s family up tomorrow, next year, in ten years. I think that took some of the pressure off.”

  “And he doesn’t need any more pressure right now.” She made a face. “Are we talking about my son again, and when we’re actually having time without him?”

  Ethan grinned. “Couldn’t help myself. Slap me next time.”

  She slid off the breakfast stool to kiss his jaw, all she could reach. “Or I can distract you some other way.”

  “You can, but not now, unless you want to take an extra long lunch break.” Which sounded good to him, even though he ought to be heading to work himself. He did, after all, have other investigations in the works besides the swastika creep. Among other things, he had a court appearance on Monday, for which he needed to do some review.

  She sighed. “No, I have an appointment at one thirty. In fact, we should get going.”

  That hour—okay, hour and a half—with her eased some of his worry that she’d latched on to him mainly for Jake’s benefit.

  Dinner was good, too. When he and Jake played one-on-one, he could tell Jake had been continuing to put in time out there. Over dinner, he was a likeable, friendly kid who didn’t seem capable of the anger Ethan had seen him display.

  It would be nice to think what he saw was reality, but given his job, he knew better. Even a kid Jake’s age could hide a hell of a lot.

  Yes, but was he? Ethan’s instinct said no. He thought Jake was actually working through some stuff and coming out the other side.