To Love a Cop

by Janice Kay Johnson

  Or...maybe she didn’t feel enough for him to justify tears? Hell, he thought. There he went again. He knew she did. Hard to miss real torment on someone’s face.

  He shook his head. “The one thing you asked of me was patience, Laura. We both knew you had a lot to deal with. So me, what do I think but that you shouldn’t suffer a single doubt when you hear on the news that I shot someone. Not just someone, a teenage boy not much older than your son. The one who has suffered for years because of an incident with a handgun.” He shook his head. “Oh, yeah, and I have no doubt it was reported that I’d shot and killed before, and never told you.”

  She nodded. “That...bothered me.”

  “I didn’t tell you because I thought if I did you wouldn’t give me a chance. I apologized to Jake for that, too. I could and should have told him. I felt some of the same things he did. My honesty could have helped him. Instead I left him standing alone, feeling like he’s the only person in the world who’s ever had to deal with seeing what he saw, with knowing he was responsible.”

  “Ethan—” Sympathy quick on her face, she leaned forward. “You had no obligation to us—”

  “Sure I did. I fell for you the first time I set eyes on you. No,” he corrected himself. “The second time. At the funeral...I guess I didn’t really see you.”

  She nodded. Now—damn it, now her eyes shimmered with the tears she wouldn’t shed when she thought he was rejecting her.

  “And when I realized everybody else had abandoned the two of you, I made up my mind to be there for Jake if you’d let me. I owed it to both of you to say, I’m someone you can talk to, and here’s why. He needed to know part of my...sense of commitment to him had to do with my own history. The department requires counseling for an officer who kills someone. I had my parents, too. All he had was you, and you were traumatized, too.”

  “Were you married when it happened?”

  He shook his head. “Already divorced.”

  She swiped at her eyes, probably thinking he wouldn’t notice. Ethan wanted real bad to move to the coffee table or even the sofa so he could touch her, but he didn’t know if he’d be welcome. And, damn it— He gave a hunted look toward the front window. Every so often, he caught a fleeting glimpse of Jake when he moved far enough from the hoop. Ethan wished Laura had invited him into the kitchen in the first place, even though he knew why she hadn’t. Kitchens were for people you trusted.

  “I didn’t even give you a chance yesterday, not on your doorstep and not when you came by my place later.”

  “Three times.”

  “Three?” he said, stupefied, only then remembering that Jake had suggested she’d tried to find him more than once.

  She sniffed and nodded.

  “I guess I was only there the last time.”

  “I could feel you. I imagined you glowering at the door, willing me to go away.”

  “Truthfully, I think I was sulking.” He offered a crooked smile. “Feeling wronged. It wasn’t until I’d gone to bed and couldn’t sleep that it hit me maybe I was the one who’d done wrong.”

  “No!” she cried with sudden passion, her eyes the deepest blue he’d ever seen. “You had a right to expect me to...to give you some trust.”

  “But, see, I hadn’t trusted you.” He moved his shoulders. “Laura? Can I come over there and at least hold your hands?”

  Her tears overflowed, but she was laughing, too.

  He didn’t circle the coffee table; he stepped over it. She rose to meet him, her arms going around his neck as his closed around her. He was shaking, he realized in shock, and she soothed him by stroking the nape of his neck even as she grabbed hold tight with her other arm. The feel of her fingers sliding into his hair had him shuddering.

  He’d hardened the moment he felt her body against his, but the relief pouring through him felt even better.

  His lips moved against her hair. “Will you give me another chance, Laura?”

  She pulled back enough to look up at him with desperate eyes. “I never thought you’d give me another chance.”

  “I’m not that stupid. Just...a little slow sometimes.”

  She burrowed against him. “The past day has been horrible.”

  “Yeah. I needed you.”

  She stiffened. “And I let you down.”

  “Don’t even think that. I should have said I missed you.”

  He heard a sniffle. “I suppose Jake is dying to come in and see what we’re doing.”

  “Probably.” He felt a trickle of amusement, but that’s all. Mostly—damn. He wanted to get Laura alone so he could convince himself she was really his.

  “Um.” She withdrew slightly and tipped her head back. “Will you stay for lunch?”

  More déjà vu. How many times had she asked him that? But this time...

  “Actually,” he said, “I was hoping you and Jake would come with me to Mom and Dad’s again. Sunday dinner is kind of a big deal for us.” He hesitated barely a moment. “It’s always just family.”

  Her stunned expression told him she understood what he was saying. Since Erin, Laura was the only woman he’d taken to meet his parents, far less to Sunday dinner.

  “If...if you—”

  He laid a finger over her lips before she could say, If you mean it. “You know I do.”

  Tears welled in her eyes again. “Oh, Ethan.”

  He bent his head—and caught a flash of movement with his peripheral vision. “Jake’s coming,” he growled.

  She moaned, then laughed, and finally rose on tiptoe to kiss him on the lips just as Jake burst into the house.

  * * *

  LAURA LIFTED HER head from Ethan’s naked chest. “Your mom lectured me today.”

  After the midafternoon Sunday dinner spread at his parents, she’d managed to off-load her son on her sister for the night. Jake had packed and then hopped out of Ethan’s SUV with nary a protest, which confirmed her belief that he was as gone on Ethan as she was, if in a different way. She and Ethan had come back to her house rather than his apartment after he mentioned how empty his refrigerator and cupboards were.

  “And we might want a late-night snack,” he’d said hopefully. “Breakfast, too.”

  Now, in response to the idea of his mother chewing her out, he jackknifed to reach a near-sitting position, disturbing her very comfortable sprawl half atop his big body. “What?”

  Grateful for his outrage, she nonetheless pushed until he subsided. “It wasn’t like that. She just...talked about her lifetime of being married to a man in law enforcement.” Warned me not to hurt her son again. Warned nicely, which Laura had appreciated. “Shared some lessons learned.”

  “Lessons?” He was definitely wary.

  “How she copes when she thinks your dad is involved in a dangerous operation.”

  “How does she?” Now Ethan sounded interested.

  “Stays really, really busy. Takes her anxiety out in physical activity. That’s why she became a gardener, you know. Digging big holes and slashing and burning are therapeutic.”

  “No, actually I didn’t know.”

  Laura was quiet for a minute. “She talked a lot about trust, too.”

  He started to swear, but she shushed him.

  “All kinds of trust. She said if you and I are to have a relationship, I need to put my trust not only in your judgment and your integrity, but in your competence. I have to believe you’ll stay safe because you’re good at what you do.”

  His broad chest rumbled with unhappiness. “Did you remind her you were already married to a cop?”

  “I don’t think she needed a reminder. I actually suspect that was part of the reason for the talk. Because she knows I lost faith in Matt’s judgment.” She mulled that over. “Not his integrity or necessarily his competence on the job. But his judgment...”

  “Yeah.” Ethan lifted his head high enough to kiss her again. “Don’t know how you could help it.”

  “It was actually really sweet of your mother
. She sounded...fierce. It must have been nice, growing up knowing your mom was always on your side.”

  “Didn’t you?” he asked, in that tender way he had.

  “I suppose.” Laura didn’t even know why she sounded doubtful. “Of course my mother loved me. But I was a good little girl, and I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t been. That’s all.”

  He flashed a wicked grin that creased his darkly stubbled cheek. “Are you suggesting I wasn’t always a good little boy?”

  Laura giggled. “Were you?”

  “No.” Now, he took a moment to reflect. “Maybe it was because of Dad’s profession I always felt a pressure to be...I don’t know, strong, brave.”

  “Manly,” she teased.

  “Yeah, well, that came naturally.”

  Laughter turned into a long kiss that could have led to more serious activity, except there were still things she wanted to know.

  So she rose onto her elbow, needing to see his face. “You’re not in trouble for the shooting, are you? You didn’t say.”

  Now he shook his head. “Discharging a weapon means an investigation, that’s all. And a brief vacation, whether you want it or not. I did what I had to do, Laura.”

  Was that a warning? She rubbed her cheek against the wiry but still surprisingly soft hair covering powerful muscles. “I really never doubted that. Just now, I was going to get mad if someone was seriously questioning you.”

  His chest vibrated with a laugh and she felt his relaxation. “Okay.”

  “The boy...” She studied him. “Are you not supposed to talk about stuff like this?”

  “Did Matt?” he asked, eyes keen.

  “Oh, when something funny happened.” She shrugged a little. “Bad stuff, he’d take to his cop buddies. Sometimes that stung. I guess it’s normal, though.”

  “Yeah, it is. We think no one outside the profession will understand. Maybe we’re afraid of admitting we were scared shitless, or went off into the weeds beside the road to puke, or cried later. So we get together and crack macabre jokes, and we all know what’s really underlying the laughter.”

  “You didn’t talk to your wife, either?”

  He had such beautiful eyes, the green predominating when he was serious like now. “I tried a few times. I upset her. I guess it was easier for both of us if I didn’t.”

  Laura struggled for how to say this. Maybe she was making a big assumption from the few things he’d said, like I fell for you and It’s always just family. But if they were to have a future, she needed it to be different than her marriage.

  “I can keep things you tell me to myself, if that worries you.”

  “No.” His hand slid up and down her back, somehow reassuring. “I know you would.”

  She never looked away. “If you’re, well, serious about me at all—”

  “You know I am,” he interrupted.

  Laura nodded. “Then I’d like it if you would talk to me. Tell me when you’re hurt or scared or mad. Let me in. Matt left me feeling sort of sidelined. He went to his mother, his brothers, his cop buddies, but not me. And I can’t help wondering if this isn’t one of the reasons for the high divorce rate among cops. Maybe some women—or men—can’t handle it. But maybe a lot of them could have, if they’d been given the chance.”

  Ethan searched her face as deeply as she searched his, and then his mouth curved, just the least little bit. He cupped her jaw and cheek in one of his large hands, his thumb skating over her lips. “Like my mother always has,” he said huskily.

  It was hard to think when he looked at her like that. “Does your dad talk to her?”

  “Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, he does.”

  Laura nodded.

  “I always wanted what my parents have.”

  “I want what your parents have.” She knew her smile was tremulous but couldn’t help it. “He looks at her sometimes as if...”

  When she trailed off, Ethan finished. “As if they were newly married instead of nearing their fortieth anniversary. Yeah. I’ve noticed.” He grinned, but his eyes were heavy-lidded. “In fact, they have a habit of embarrassing me regularly.”

  “That sounds like fun,” she murmured.

  “Jake doesn’t know what he’s getting into,” he said huskily, and tugged her higher.

  This kiss was unbelievably tender and so sensual her body melted like candle wax.

  She felt his arousal, but to her astonishment, he eased out of the kiss, rubbed his cheek against hers and then tucked her into place on his shoulder again.

  “The minute I realized that kid was set on burning his own house, I knew,” he said, his voice hoarse.

  Astonished, Laura realized he was going to do exactly what she’d asked from him. Talk to her.

  He went on, “I kept getting flashbacks of me telling Jake how I might pull my gun just to scare these kids into giving up. And there I am thinking, it’s not happening. I overheard the friend asking if he was sure his mother and stepfather were asleep.”

  He dealt with things like this every day. Laura thought of other investigations he’d mentioned in passing, his understanding and patience and lack of ego, and now it was her heart that melted.

  “You really think he wanted to kill them?”

  “I know so.” He’d gone rigid. “He thought the house would go up and no one would ever suspect. Because we stopped it, we have him cold. Before he went outside to meet his buddy, he got the gas can from his own garage and poured gasoline up and down the stairs inside and splashed it all the way to the wall where he was lighting a fire outside when I confronted him.”

  Laura heard her jaw crack as her mouth opened in shock. “He’d set it up so the fire would leap to the stairs and trap them.”

  “That’s what he did.”

  “Oh, dear God.”

  “That says it all.”

  “And you feel bad because you shot him?”

  Ethan grunted. “See, here’s the thing. I got some really bad undertones. Austin hated his stepfather with a cold ferocity. If he wasn’t molested, he was sure as hell terrorized. I could see on the mother’s face that she knew why and had taken her husband’s side.”

  “Oh,” Laura said softly.

  “Doesn’t excuse what he did. But...” He shook his head, stared at the ceiling and talked. Talked until he was hoarse. About the expression on the boy’s face as Ethan worked frantically to stop the bleeding. About the other time he’d shot to kill, what it was like looking into someone’s eyes when death arrived.

  She hugged him and she stroked him and she thought he couldn’t have given her a greater gift, odd though this one was. And she knew.

  I love this man.

  He loves me.

  Too soon for the words, maybe. But...I hardly need them, she thought, dazed.

  And eventually they did make love for the second time that night, emotion shimmering between them. His fingertips spoke as they traveled from one pleasure point to another. She conveyed everything in her heart with her lips. And their bodies, once joined, moved with a harmony that transcended any words.

  I mean what I say, he’d told Jake today, and she’d seen awed acceptance on her son’s face.

  When Ethan made love like this, he meant that, too.

  Afterward, holding him, the swell of love she felt was both painful and liberating. Tomorrow, she thought, I’ll call Mama. I can forgive even myself.

  “Hungry yet?” she murmured, and Ethan’s body shook with laughter.

  “Yeah. Damn it, I am.”

  As they reluctantly parted, she sighed. “I suppose we ought to put some clothes on.”

  “Oh, come on. The nosy old guy across the street has to be asleep by now.”

  “Don’t bet on it,” she said darkly, and Ethan laughed again, bent and found something he tossed to her. His shirt.

  So that was what she wore when they raided the refrigerator. He’d put on his jeans, but his chest remained bare, as did her legs. The thought cr
ossed her mind that in theory she was supposed to get up in...seven hours to go to work, but, hey, when was the last time she’d taken a personal day?

  Between one bite and the next, Ethan looked at her. “I’m not going to want to go to bed tomorrow night without you.”

  “No.”

  He gave a small nod as if satisfied, seeing she’d understood. They needed to build trust, but...maybe it wouldn’t take all that long.

  Oh, she hoped not.

  EPILOGUE

  DÉJÀ VU, LAURA THOUGHT, standing on the sidewalk in front of Tino Vennetti’s house. The only difference from the last time she’d been there was that Jake was with her and Ethan this time, too. Jake didn’t actually seem any more eager than she was to move. Ethan played much the same role he had that day long ago. With a reassuring hand on each of their shoulders, he waited patiently for them to be ready for what awaited.

  Jake and Tino’s oldest, Nick, had been cautiously working their way toward something approaching friendship. He’d come over to Laura and Jake’s house a couple of times to shoot baskets out front. Even though she’d known what to expect, the sight of a boy who looked so much like her own son had blown her away. She’d had the heart-clenching thought that Marco would have looked like them, too, had he lived.

  Today, she and Jake had agreed to come to Sunday dinner at Tino’s house. Palma and Bruno Vennetti—aka Mama and Papa—were to be there, as well, although they were spared a get-together with the entire family. Laura wasn’t quite ready for that.

  Truthfully, she didn’t feel prepared for even this. Being nice to Mama and Papa...it boggled the mind, but she was grimly determined. Jake...well, she wasn’t 100 percent sure what Jake felt about this meeting, except that he’d agreed to it.

  Her one proviso had been the addition of Ethan to the guest list.

  My fiancé, she’d said, loving the sound of the word. He’d asked her to marry him Labor Day weekend, on a trip to the Columbia Gorge to windsurf. In the know, Jake had made himself scarce when Ethan and she strolled to a cliff top above the broad, powerful Columbia River as the sun was setting. Taking her completely by surprise, he’d held her hand and actually gone down on one knee to pop the question.