Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  COTTEN, Elizabeth (1892–1987), US musical performer.

  1 Cotten didn’t begin her career as a singer, composer, and performer until she was sixty-seven; until then she had worked as a housekeeper. Her performance on the album Elizabeth Cotten Live! won her a Grammy Award in 1984, an experience she later described by saying, “I was just glad to get the Grammy. I didn’t know what the thing was. It was the honor I loved.”

  COURTELINE, Georges [Georges Moineaux] (?1858–1929), French playwright.

  1 A pretentious young writer, hoping to gain publicity, wrote to Courteline demanding satisfaction for some minor insult. The hand-writing of the letter was barely legible and the spelling atrocious. Courteline picked up his pen and replied: “My dear young sir. As I am the offended party, the choice of weapons is mine. We shall fight with orthography. You are already dead.”

  Gay Talese tells this story about Frank Costello, US racketeer:

  “Even in jail Costello baffled the law. He continued to smoke English Ovals, although nobody knew how he smuggled them in. He ate steak — ebony on the outside, claret on the inside, just as he’d ordered at ‘21’ — and yet it was impossible to uncover the source of the steaks. The unbelievable power that Costello was able to wield despite his imprisonment was demonstrated some years later when he performed a behind-bars miracle for his attorney, Edward Bennett Williams.

  “Williams, during a visit to Costello’s jail, seemed concerned about something, and Costello, detecting it, asked, ‘What’s bothering you, Mr. Williams?’

  “Williams explained that he and his wife were taking her parents out that night to celebrate their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary and that he had promised them tickets to My Fair Lady; but the particular agent who had promised Williams the tickets — a person who’d always been reliable in the past — had suddenly failed on this occasion.

  “ ‘Mr. Williams,’ Costello said, ‘you shoulda told me; maybe I coulda helped.’

  “Williams admitted it had never occurred to him that a man in jail could help get four tickets at the last minute to a hit Broadway show.

  “Costello shrugged.

  “It was then 5 PM.

  “When Williams returned to his hotel room, he heard a soft rap on the door. Upon opening it, a broad-shouldered man under a slouch hat grunted something, handed over an envelope containing four tickets to that evening’s performance of My Fair Lady, then quickly disappeared down the hall.”

  — GAY TALESE, Fame and Obscurity

  COWARD, Sir Noël (1899–1973), British playwright, actor, and wit.

  1 During rehearsal a young actor kept interrupting Coward with questions about the motivation behind the character he was playing. Finally Coward snapped, “Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it.”

  2 The author Edna Ferber was fond of wearing tailored suits. Noël Coward, meeting her on an occasion when she was wearing a suit very similar to the one he himself was wearing, greeted her with the words: “You look almost like a man.”

  “So do you,” said Miss Ferber.

  3 Lady Diana Cooper, the society beauty who played a starring role in Max Reinhardt’s famous production of The Miracle, observed to Coward that she had seen him in The Vortex (his domestic drama of the 1920s) and did not think that he had been very funny. Coward replied, “I saw you as the Madonna in The Miracle, and I thought you were a scream.”

  4 (The press unanimously damned Coward’s Home Chat and Sirocco, but when he starred in S. N. Behrman’s The Second Man, the critics praised his performance in extravagant terms. Raymond Massey describes an incident in Coward’s dressing room after the second night.)

  “Hannen Swaffer, a critic and theatre writer on the Daily Express, entered unannounced. He had been insufferable in his abuse of Noël (and of me, too). ‘Nowley,’ he sneered in his assumed cockney accent, ‘I’ve always said you could act better than you write.’ ‘And I’ve always said the same about you,’ was Noël’s instant reply.”

  5 Coward was walking along the seafront at Brighton with Laurence Olivier and Olivier’s young son. Observing two dogs copulating, the boy innocently asked what they were doing. “It’s like this, dear boy,” explained Coward. “The one in front is blind, and the kind one behind is pushing him.”

  6 During a rather stormy rehearsal of Blithe Spirit, actress Claudette Colbert screamed at Coward, “If you’re not very careful, I may throw something at you!” “You might start with my cues,” replied Coward.

  7 Coward was strolling around an art exhibition at the Victoria and Albert Museum in London when a friend rushed up to him with an invitation to dinner. Noël politely declined, explaining that he was about to leave for Jamaica. “When will you be back?” asked his friend. “In the spring,” replied Coward. “With the swallows. You’ll recognize me easily among them.”

  8 Actor Clifton Webb was devoted to his mother, who had campaigned on his behalf with producers and directors throughout his career. A tireless exhibitionist, she was still dancing the cancan at Hollywood parties in her ninetieth year. When she finally died, Webb’s health rapidly declined. “Poor dear,” remarked Coward. “The late sixties is rather late to be orphaned.”

  9 The American writer Barnaby Conrad was badly gored in a bullfight in Spain in 1958. The columnist Leonard Lyons recorded a subsequent conversation between Eva Gabor and Noël Coward at a New York restaurant. “Noël dahling,” said Eva, “have you heard the news about poor Bahnaby? He vass terribly gored in Spain.”

  “He was what?” asked Coward in alarm.

  “He vass gored!”

  “Thank heavens. I thought you said he was bored.”

  10 Coward once spent a rather uncomfortable night at a bug-ridden hotel in the Seychelles. “May I put up a sign reading ‘Noël Coward Slept Here’?” asked the manager as his distinguished guest checked out. “Certainly,” replied Coward, “if you’ll add one word — fitfully.”

  COWL, Jane (1884–1950), US actress.

  1 When John Barrymore was starring in Hamlet on Broadway, Jane Cowl attended one of the matinee performances. Her arrival caused a considerable stir in the theater and her audible comments throughout the play further distracted the audience. Barrymore himself gave no sign of noticing her presence until he took his curtain call. After thanking the audience, he bowed deeply in the direction of Miss Cowl’s box and said, “Finally, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Miss Cowl for the privilege of co-starring with her this afternoon.”

  CRANE, Stephen (1871–1900), US journalist and writer.

  1 Crane participated in the invasion of Puerto Rico during the Spanish-American War. Once he was met outside a town by an American colonel, who, recognizing Crane and eager to be immortalized by the great war reporter, offered to include him in the next day’s planned capture of the town. “This town!” cried Crane. “I’m really very sorry, Colonel, but I took this town myself before breakfast yesterday morning!”

  CRANMER, Thomas (1489–1556), archbishop of Canterbury (1532–56).

  1 Mary I loathed Cranmer for his role in her mother’s divorce from Henry VIII. In time, and accusing him of heresy, she forced him to sign a recantation, but when brought to St.Mary’s Church, Oxford, to make a public declaration of his former errors, he said that his conscience would not let him save his life by recanting. He bitterly regretted having signed the recantation, promising that when he was brought to the stake, the hand that had done the signing would be the first to burn. This promise he kept, holding his right hand steadfastly in the flames.

  CRAWFORD, Joan (1904–77), US film actress and Academy Award winner.

  1 Leaving New York’s “21” one day, Miss Crawford decided to take advantage of the sunny weather and walk home. “But, madam,” protested her chauffeur, “you’ll be mobbed.”

  “I should certainly hope so,” she replied.

  2 During World War II Crawford, like other stars of the time, spent evenings helping to entertain soldiers on leave i
n the Hollywood Canteen. One night she was dancing with a sailor who looked hard at her and said, “You look just like Joan Crawford. Whatever happened to her?” When Crawford told him she was Joan Crawford, the sailor said, “Yeah? Whatever happened to you?”

  3 After decades in the spotlight as one of the great screen stars, Crawford served on the board of directors of Pepsi-Cola. On a national tour promoting the soft drink, Crawford was asked what she really wanted to be — actress or spokesperson. Her reply: “What people want me to be.”

  CRENSHAW, Ben (1952–), US golf champion.

  1 Often compared to Sam Snead for his mastery of the game, the Masters champion Crenshaw has been self-deprecating nevertheless. Once early in his playing career a journalist asked him how far he felt he was from being a great player. “About five inches,” he said, “the distance between my right ear and my left ear.”

  2 Crenshaw tried to compete in the British Open of 1992 but failed to qualify. After his loss he entered a pub near the course, where the barkeep asked what he could bring him. “Arsenic,” replied the dejected golfer.

  CROCKETT, Davy (1786–1836), US frontiersman, member of Congress, and folk hero.

  1 When he first returned from Washington, Crockett remarked on the curiosity of the people in his home town about how people in the capital lived. Crockett told them, “They have breakfast when the sun is one or two hours high, and when you fellows have done practically half a day’s work. About one or two o’clock in the day they have what they call lunch, and ’way in the night, they have their dinner.”

  “Then when do these people have their supper?” asked a constituent. “They don’t get that until the next day,” Crockett replied.

  2 At a menagerie exhibition in Washington, Crockett amused his friends by pointing out a similarity between the features of one of the monkeys on display and those of a certain member of Congress. Turning around, Crockett found the member in question standing right behind him. “I suppose I ought to apologize,” he said, “but I don’t know whether to apologize to you or to the monkey.”

  CROCKFORD, William (1775–1844), British gambler, founder of the famous gambling club that still bears his name.

  1 Crockford’s horse Ratan was favorite for the 1844 Derby. A few days before the race the horse was poisoned. Crockford’s rage and disappointment brought on a fit of apoplexy that proved fatal. This put his gambling friends in a quandary as Crockford also had a heavily backed filly entered for the Oaks, which is run at the same Epsom meeting as the Derby itself. If the owner’s death became known, the filly would be disqualified. They therefore propped Crockford’s body up at a window in his house at Epsom, overlooking the racecourse, where it would be clearly visible to the crowd, who would thus discount any rumor of Crockford’s demise. The filly won the race and the punters duly collected their winnings before their ruse was discovered.

  CROESUS (6th century BC), king of Lydia in Asia Minor (560-546 BC). From his great wealth comes the phrase “rich as Croesus.”

  1 Deliberating whether to attack the Persians, Croesus asked the oracle at Delphi if the undertaking would prosper. The oracle replied that if he went to war, he would destroy a great empire. Encouraged, Croesus invaded the Persian realms. He was decisively beaten and the Persians then invaded Lydia, captured its capital, and threw Croesus himself into chains. Croesus again sent an embassy to Delphi, this time with the question, “Why did you deceive me?” The priestess of the oracle replied that she had not deceived him — Croesus had indeed destroyed a great empire.

  CROLL, James (1821–90), Scottish geologist and meteorologist.

  1 As he lay dying he was offered a glass of whiskey, although he had been a strict teetotaler all his life. “I’ll take a wee drop o’ that,” he said. “I don’t think there’s much fear o’ me learning to drink now.”

  CROMWELL, Oliver (1599–1658), lord protector of England (1653–58).

  1 Cromwell sat for Peter Lely, the portraitist. The painter already had a reputation for his portraits of the handsome noblemen and beautiful ladies of Charles I’s court. Cromwell said, “Mr. Lely, I desire you would use all your skill to paint my picture truly like me, and not flatter me at all; but remark all these roughnesses, pimples, warts, and everything as you see me, otherwise I will never pay a farthing for it.”

  2 In April 1653 the Long Parliament had sat for more than twelve years, presiding over Britain’s decline into civil war and constitutional chaos. It looked ready to entrench itself and its incompetence forever. Cromwell, with the army behind him, intervened and dissolved the Parliament by force, with a band of musketeers. The musketeers led away the Speaker and ejected the MPs. In front of the Speaker’s chair lay the mace, emblem of parliamentary authority. “What shall we do with this bauble? Take it away,” Cromwell commanded, and it was removed.

  3 Cromwell addressed his troops as they were about to cross a river to attack the enemy. He concluded with the famous exhortation: “Put your trust in God, but mind you keep your powder dry.”

  4 There is an old but probably unreliable tradition that toward two AM on the night after the execution of Charles I, when the body was lying in the banqueting hall at Whitehall, a dark figure, closely muffled, entered the room and gazed upon the face of the dead king. The Earl of Southampton and the other man keeping vigil by the body could not see his face, but they heard him sigh the words: “Cruel necessity!” before he glided out of the room. The earl swore that the mysterious visitor had the figure and gait of Cromwell.

  5 One of the changes that came with the rise to power of Oliver Cromwell was the nation’s coinage. New coins were struck on the obverse of which was engraved “God with Us” and on the reverse, “The Republic of England.” One old nobleman, a Royalist and anti-Puritan to the core, saw the coins and commented: “Quite proper that God and the Republic should be on different sides.”

  CROSBY, Bing [Harry Lillis] (1904–77), US singer and actor.

  1 Crosby was asked once by the interviewer on a television show why he had such a calm and unruffled air. He reached into his pocket and pulled out an enormous wad of dollar bills. “That helps!” he said.

  CUKOR, George Dewey (1899–1983), US film director.

  1 In 1953 Jack Lemmon came to Hollywood to make his first film, It Should Happen to You, co-starring with Judy Holliday. The director was George Cukor. During the first rehearsals Cukor, after each of Lemmon’s tries, would cry, “Less, less, less!” Lemmon, frustrated and bewildered, finally broke out with “Don’t you want me to act at all?”

  “Dear boy,” said Cukor, “you’re beginning to understand.”

  CUMMINGS, E[dward] E[stlin] (1894–1962), US poet and painter.

  1 Departing with Marion, his wife, from a fashionable New Year’s Eve party, Cum-mings realized that he did not have enough money for the subway fare. They stepped into the elevator, which was already occupied by a portly gentleman. “Excuse me,” said Cummings politely, placing his hat with a flourish at the man’s feet, “would you care to step on my hat?” The man, somewhat taken aback but nevertheless impressed by Cummings’s aristocratic demeanor, nodded assent. “I’m afraid it will cost you five dollars,” added Cummings. The portly fellow stepped on the hat and paid his fee, enabling Cummings and his wife to travel home by taxi.

  CUNARD, Emerald, Lady (1872–1948), British society hostess.

  1 Lady Cunard was a guest at one of the first balls to be given in London after World War II had ended. Encouraged by limitless champagne, patricians of English high society danced away the night in elegant surroundings. A fellow guest, the diarist Henry (“Chips”) Channon, gestured toward the glittering assembly and said, “This is what we fought the war for.”

  “Oh, do you mean they are all Poles?” inquired Lady Cunard.

  2 (Edward Marsh tells the following story:)

  “Later in life I had a beautiful object-lesson in behaviour to the unpunctual. The scene was a luncheon-party at the Broughams’: the appointed time, one-
thirty. Till one-forty-five we waited for Lady Cunard; and at two o’clock she arrived, full of apologies — she had been buying a chandelier. Old Lord Brougham, a handsome patriarch with magnificent silver hair, looked straight in front of himself and said in a pensive tone: ‘I once knew a man who bought a chandelier after luncheon.’ ”

  CUNNINGHAME GRAHAM, Robert Bontine (1852–1936), Scottish writer and nobleman.

  1 A dinner partner, impressed by tales of Cun-ninghame Graham’s aristocratic ancestry, asked him: “Is it true that there is royal blood in your family?”

  “Madam,” replied Cunninghame Graham, “if I had my rights I should be king of England — and what a two weeks that would be!”

  CURIE, Marie (1867–1934), Polish chemist who shared the 1903 Nobel Prize for physics with the discoverer of radioactivity, Henri Bec-querel, and who won the 1911 Nobel Prize for chemistry.

  1 An American newspaperman tracked the Curies down to the remote cottage in Brittany where they were vacationing. He found a rather dowdy woman sitting outside the door. “Are you the housekeeper?” he began.