Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  2 About his strongest rival for the 1976 Republican presidential nomination, Ford quipped, “Ronald Reagan doesn’t dye his hair — he’s just prematurely orange.”

  3 During the 1976 campaign primary season Ford found unexpectedly fierce competition for the Republican nomination from Ronald Reagan. From the beginning Reagan seemed the stronger candidate, and Ford was advised to change his style — in clothing as well as in speaking — to better compete. On hearing that he was perceived as less dynamic, Ford protested. “Governor Reagan and I do have one thing in common,” he reminded his advisers. “We both played football. I played for Michigan. He played for Warner Brothers.”

  4 After losing the presidency to Georgia governor Jimmy Carter, Ford attended a dinner honoring the memory of Vince Lombardi. He worried that the other guests might resent his presence; after all, they had paid to attend while he was still President, and now they might feel let down. “Don’t worry,” said his wife, Betty, “it’s me they’re coming to see.”

  FORD, Henry (1863–1947), US businessman who pioneered the mass production of automobiles.

  1 In the early stages of World War I, Henry Ford launched his chartered Peace Ship, which sailed to Europe with a passenger list of eminent pacifists. The intention was to appeal to heads of state to “get the boys out of the trenches by Christmas.” Three weeks later Henry Ford was back in the United States. “I didn’t get much peace,” he said, “but I learned that Russia is going to be a great market for tractors.”

  2 Henry Ford once called in an efficiency expert to examine the running of his company. The expert made a favorable report, but had reservations about one employee. “It’s that man down the corridor,” he said. “Every time I go by his office he’s just sitting there with his feet on his desk. He’s wasting your money.”

  “That man,” replied Ford, “once had an idea that saved us millions of dollars. At the time, I believe his feet were planted right where they are now.”

  3 A visitor to the factory of the Ford Motor Company happened to meet Henry Ford himself. Pointing to a finished car, Ford proudly declared, “There are exactly four thousand, seven hundred and nineteen parts in that model.” Impressed that the president should have such details at his fingertips, the visitor subsequently asked a company engineer if the statement were true. The engineer shrugged his shoulders. “I’m sure I don’t know,” he replied. “I can’t think of a more useless piece of information.”

  4 While on vacation in Dublin, Ireland, Ford was asked if he would contribute to a collection for a new orphanage. Judging the cause worthy, Ford promptly wrote out a check for £2,000. His generosity made headline news in the local paper the following day. The amount of the check, however, was wrongly quoted as £20,000. The director of the orphanage called on Ford at his hotel to apologize. “I’ll phone the editor straight away and tell him to correct the mistake,” he said.

  “There’s no need for that,” replied Ford, taking out his checkbook and pen. “I’ll give you a check for the remaining eighteen thousand pounds, but only on one condition. When the new building opens, I want this inscription on it: I WAS A STRANGER, AND YOU TOOK ME IN.”

  5 Ford was once asked why he made a habit of visiting his executives when problems arose rather than calling them to his own office. “I go to them to save time,” explained Ford. “I’ve found that I can leave the other fellow’s office a lot quicker than I can get him to leave mine.”

  6 Ford was discussing education with a young man who found himself frustrated by what he felt to be Ford’s narrow view of schooling. The fellow begged to differ. “These are different times — this is the modern age —” Ford interrupted to snap, “Young man, I invented the modern age.”

  FORD, John (1895–1973), US film director, notable for his westerns.

  1 Asked why in his movie Stagecoach the Indians didn’t just shoot the horses in order to stop the stagecoach, Ford said, “If they had, it would have been the end of the picture, wouldn’t it?”

  2 As the filming of Stagecoach progressed, Ford became more and more convinced of its possibilities with the public, and predicted success for its actors. He said to John Wayne, “If this picture is half as good as I think it is, you’re actually going to have to buy some clothes.”

  3 Seeing John Wayne’s performance in Red River, Ford said to director Howard Hawks, “I never knew the big son of a bitch could act.”

  4 While Ford was directing a film for Sam Goldwyn, the shooting schedule fell one day behind. Goldwyn visited the set, pointed out this fact, and inquired what the director was going to do about it. “Sam, about how many script pages do you think I should shoot a day?” asked Ford. “About five,” was the rather uncertain response. Ford picked up the script and ripped out five pages. “Okay,” he said, “now we’re on schedule.”

  FORDYCE, George (1736–1802), British physician.

  1 Dr. Fordyce sometimes drank a great deal at dinner. It was after one of these heavy sessions that he received an urgent summons to a lady patient taken ill with an unspecified complaint. Dr. Fordyce hurried to her house, aware that he was far from sober. He had considerable difficulty locating her pulse, and was then unable to count its beats. Muttering under his breath, “Drunk, by God!” he wrote out a prescription and hurriedly left the room. The following morning a letter came for the doctor from his patient. He opened it in expectation of a severe rebuke. Instead, the gist of the letter was as follows: she well knew the unfortunate condition in which he had found her the previous day and she begged him to keep the business confidential in consideration of the enclosed — a bank note for £100.

  FORGY, Howell Maurice (1908–83), US naval chaplain.

  1 Forgy was a chaplain aboard the cruiser New Orleans when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. As the Japanese planes roared overhead, it was discovered that the man with the keys to the ammunition locker had gone ashore. A group of crewmen managed to break into the locker, only to face a second obstacle — the power ammunition hoist was out of action. So the men, Forgy among them, formed a human chain, passing the shells from hand to hand up to the gun deck. Noticing that some of the men were weakening under the weight of the shells, Forgy slapped his neighbor on the back and cried, “Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition!”

  FORREST, Nathan Bedford (1821–77), US general, Confederate cavalry commander.

  1 Forrest was reminiscing with General John Hunt Morgan about their respective exploits in Tennessee and Kentucky in the summer of 1862. Morgan was keen to know how Forrest had achieved his remarkable success at Murfreesboro, where he had captured the garrison and stores in defiance of the federal forces that filled the surrounding countryside. Forrest’s terse reply was “I just took the short cut and got there first with the most men.”

  FOSDICK, Harry Emerson (1878–1969), US Protestant minister and teacher.

  1 One winter night Fosdick was awakened by a tipsy young student banging on his door. After Dr. Fosdick had admitted him, the young man asked him to explain to him the difference between modernism and fundamentalism. “Go home and sober up,” advised Fosdick, “and come back when you have slept it off and I will gladly give you the answer.” The young man began to sob: “The trouble is, doctor, when I’m sober, I won’t give a damn!”

  FOSTER, Stephen Collins (1826–64), US song composer.

  1 Though an accomplished flutist, Stephen Foster composed his melodies without needing to work them out on any instrument. At the height of his popularity he was invited to a party at which he suspected it was not his company that was sought but his flute-playing ability. He stayed home and sent his flute to the party.

  FOUCHÉ, Joseph, Duc d’Otrante (1763–1820), French politician and police functionary.

  1 Napoleon found Fouché an able minister, but resented his freedom of speech and independent attitude. Seeking to disconcert him, the emperor once reminded Fouché that he had been one of those who had voted in favor of executing Louis XVI. “True,” sa
id Fouché, unabashed. “That was the very first service that I had occasion to perform for Your Majesty.”

  2 On Napoleon’s escape from Elba, Fouché, who had been making overtures to the victorious allies, turned coat with his customary promptitude. During the Hundred Days he was employed in compiling a list of those whom Napoleon intended to punish once he had reestablished his ascendancy. After the battle of Waterloo, this list was something of an embarrassment to its compiler, particularly when it fell into the hands of Talleyrand, whose name of course was on it. Running his eyes over the list, Talleyrand remarked, “One must at least do him the justice of acknowledging that he has omitted none of his friends.”

  FOWLER, Gene (1890–1960), US journalist, biographer, and novelist.

  1 Fowler was a master of creative expense-account writing. In 1921, while on Hearst’s New York American, he traveled to northern Canada to interview three US navy balloon-ists who had turned up, after being missing for a month, at a remote spot called Moose Factory. While most of their fellow journalists waited at Toronto, Fowler and five colleagues loaded a private railroad car with choice food and drink and set out for Moose Factory.

  The cost of the expedition worked out at $7,200 — $1,200 for each of them. Fowler got back to the American offices and began drawing up his expense account. He listed all manner of items that might be thought necessary for an expedition to the far north — mittens, parkas, snowshoes — but was still short of the necessary total. He added on the purchase of a secondhand dogsled and a team of huskies to draw it. The American’s auditor returned the account; it still did not balance. Fowler added a mention of the death of the lead dog and compensation of $80 paid to its owner, plus a commemorative headstone for the same dog — $20. Again the account was returned, this time just a trifle short. Fowler added the final item: “Flowers for the bereft bitch — $1.50.”

  FOX, Charles James (1749–1806), British statesman.

  1 Fox’s father severely reprimanded him for his immense debts, concluding his rebuke by saying that he wondered that he could sleep or take any pleasure in life with these hanging over him. “Your lordship need not be surprised,” his son coolly replied. “You should rather be astonished that my creditors can sleep.”

  2 In November 1779 William Adam, a politician who had lately become one of Lord North’s supporters, challenged Fox to a duel over a speech he had made attacking the government. When the pistols had been loaded and handed to the combatants, Fox took his position facing Adam squarely. He was told to stand sideways, to lessen the chance of his opponent’s shot hitting him. Fox, who had done his best to find an honorable way to avert the duel, merely said, “I am as thick one way as the other.” The signal to fire was given. Adam fired; Fox did not. The seconds called to Fox that he must fire. “I’ll be damned if I do; I have no quarrel,” he said. The combatants then advanced to shake hands. Fox said, “Adam, your shot would have killed me if you had not been using government powder.”

  3 On September 15, 1784, Fox went with his brother to Moorfields in London to watch the Italian Lunardi make an ascent in a balloon. As they were standing in the dense crowd, Fox felt a hand at his pocket. He quickly turned and grabbed the would-be pickpocket’s wrist. “You have chosen an occupation that will bring you to utter ruin, my friend,” he observed. The thief begged for mercy, saying that he had been driven by desperation to turn to crime, his wife was starving, his children were ill, and he was penniless. Moved by this tragic tale, Fox gave the man a guinea and warned him to mend his ways.

  At the conclusion of the show Fox felt for his watch and found it gone. His brother said that he had seen his “friend” take it. “You saw him take it, and yet you made no move to stop him?” said Fox, astounded. “Well,” replied his brother, “you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other that I did not choose to interfere.”

  4 When Fox went to see the play The Gamester, the newspapers sensed the opportunity for an edifying paragraph on how the notorious gambler had been moved to tears at this theatrical depiction of a gambler’s career. In fact, Fox just watched attentively and in silence until the point at which the hero announces that he will borrow money upon the reversion of his uncle’s estate. Fox turned to his friend Richard Brinsley Sheridan and whispered, “Rather odd, eh, that he had not thought of that before?”

  5 While canvassing, Fox asked a respectable tradesman for his vote. “I admire your abilities,” the man replied, “but damn your principles.” Fox replied, “And I applaud your sincerity, but damn your manners.”

  FOX, George (1624–91), British religious leader, founder of the Quakers.

  1 Among the people influenced by Fox’s teachings was William Penn. The son of a distinguished admiral, Penn used to wear a sword as a reminder of his own and his family’s martial tradition. As he came further under the spell of the Quaker doctrine of nonviolence, he began to doubt whether it was appropriate for him to wear such an ornament. He sought Fox’s counsel. “Wear the sword as long as thou canst,” was the Quaker leader’s advice. A few weeks later when Fox met Penn, he asked him with a smile, “Where is thy sword?” Replied Penn, “I wore it as long as I could.”

  FRAGUIER, Claude François (1666–1728), French scholar.

  1 Over a twenty-year period the Abbé Fraguier persisted in prosecuting a case at law that he could not, as his friends continued to tell him, possibly win. Finally it was decided against him. His friends all reminded him that had he never engaged in the case he could have spared himself much sorrow and heartbreak. The abbé replied, “Every night before falling asleep I’ve managed to win this case. Do you call that nothing?”

  FRANCIS I (1494–1547), king of France (1515–47).

  1 Francis, a great lover of strenuous exercise, was a proficient tennis player. Once when he was playing tennis with a monk as a partner, the monk hit a fine stroke that decided the set in Francis’s favor. The king applauded his partner: “That is the stroke of a monk!”

  “Sire,” said the man of God, “whenever it shall please you, it shall be the stroke of an abbot.” Francis took the hint and the monk received his preferment.

  FRANCIS II (1768–1835), Holy Roman Emperor (1792–1806) and, as Francis I, emperor of Austria (1804–35).

  1 Even the Austrian army’s fearful defeat by Napoleon at Austerlitz in 1805 failed to impress the Austrians with the seriousness of war. Francis II, arriving back at Vienna at the head of his vanquished troops, announced quite cheerfully to his courtiers, “Well, here we are! Well beaten!”

  2 A certain distinguished person was recommended to the emperor as a fine patriot, intensely loyal to the empire. “But is he a patriot for me?” inquired the great autocrat.

  FRANCIS FERDINAND (1863–1914), archduke of Austria.

  1 On the fatal day at Sarajevo, the conspirators had placed a number of assassins in the crowd. The first one to act was a young man who threw a bomb at the archduke and his wife. The bomb bounced off the vehicle in which they were traveling and failed to explode. The would-be assassin ran off into the crowd and the day’s ceremonial duties continued. In the course of the mayoral reception Francis Ferdinand was told the bomb thrower had been captured. He commented wryly, “Wait and see: instead of locking that fellow up, they’ll be proper Austrians and award him the medal of merit.”

  FRANCIS JOSEPH (1830–1916), emperor of Austria (1848–1916).

  1 The emperor, having heard the conversational abilities of the famous comedian Gi-rardi much praised, asked the actor to tea, in expectation of a flood of brilliant talk. But Girardi said almost nothing, speaking only when spoken to, and then replying in tones of the greatest respect. The disappointed emperor finally remarked, “But my dear Girardi, I’ve been told so much about your extraordinary conversational gifts.” Girardi wiped his forehead and replied, “Majesty, sometime you just try chatting with an emperor.”

  2 The emperor was basically a simple man. On one occasion he and two companions were out hunting near Bad Ischl in Au
stria, dressed in hunting clothes. A passing peasant stopped his cart to offer them a lift. As they were some way from their lodge, they accepted and soon fell into conversation with their benefactor. The peasant asked one of his passengers who he was. “The king of Saxony,” was the supercilious reply. The peasant nodded and asked the next man the same question. “The king of Bavaria,” said the second passenger. “And you?” said the peasant, indicating Francis Joseph, “I suppose you are the emperor of Austria?”

  FRANCIS of Assisi, Saint (c. 1182–1226), Italian friar; founder of the Franciscan order, later canonized.

  1 Saint Francis, who traveled quite extensively on missionary work, in 1219 visited Egypt, where he hoped to convert the sultan, al-Malik al-Kamil. The sultan laid a trap for the saint, spreading a carpet decorated with crosses in front of his divan. “If he treads on the crosses, I will accuse him of insulting his God, and if he refuses to tread on the carpet, I will accuse him of insulting me.” Saint Francis walked straight onto the carpet, to the jeers of the sultan. “Our Lord was crucified between two thieves,” said the saint, undisturbed. “We Christians have the True Cross. The crosses of the thieves we have left to you, and I am not ashamed to tread on those.”

  FRANCO, Francisco (1829–1975), Spanish general and fascist dictator.

  1 Franco had remarkable powers of endurance and persisted in surviving long after the time that even many of his supporters considered appropriate. On his deathbed his aide announced that a General Garcia wanted to be admitted to say good-bye to him. Franco asked, “Why, is Garcia going on a trip?”