Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  IBSEN, Henrik (1828–1906), Norwegian playwright.

  1 Two middle-class ladies were discussing a revival of A Doll’s House, which they had recently seen. “I just loved it,” said the first. “Ibsen is so timeless, isn’t he?”

  “I’m not so sure,” said the second lady doubtfully. “It’s a good deal easier to borrow money these days.”

  2 In Rome one day, Ibsen noticed a number of people gathered around a large red poster. Intrigued, he reached for his spectacles, only to find that he had left them in his hotel room. “Signore,” he said, turning to the man beside him, “could you please tell me what those signs say? I’ve forgotten my glasses.”

  “Sorry, Signore,” replied the Italian in a confidential whisper, “I don’t know how to read either.”

  3 The great playwright found his inspiration by hanging a picture of fellow dramatist August Strindberg over his desk. “He is my mortal enemy,” said Ibsen, “ and shall hang there and watch while I write.”

  4 After suffering a stroke in 1900, Ibsen was forced to abandon his writing and spent the remaining six years of his life as a helpless invalid. One day he heard his nurse suggest that he was feeling a little better. “On the contrary!” he snapped, and promptly died.

  IKKU, Jippensha (d. 1831), Japanese writer.

  1 Shortly before his death Ikku entrusted a number of small packages to his disciples, asking that they be placed unopened upon his funeral pyre. When the prayers had been said, the disciples reverently placed the packets around the body of their deceased master, and the pyre was then set alight. At that point the funeral proceedings broke up in disorder: Ikku’s packages contained firecrackers.

  “Prince Michael Golitsyn of Russia had taken an Italian Catholic wife, to the intense displeasure of Czarina Anna Ivanovna. Although the prince’s bride soon died, the czarina remained bent on punishing him. She had a vendetta against the prince and his family, who opposed her rule; she also had a vicious sense of humor. She ordered an ice palace built in St. Petersburg in the winter of 1739, completely outfitted with ice furnishings — dishes, toilets, tables, even a four-poster ice bed. When all was finished, she selected the ugliest woman she could find to be the prince’s second bride and forced the couple to parade about town on an elephant before the wedding. Accompanying them was a procession of freaks.

  “The procession made its way to the ice palace, where ‘the Bridal Pair of Fools’ were stripped and sent to their icy nuptial chamber. Then all exits were sealed. The couple survived the frigid night, and nine months later, the prince’s wife gave birth to twins.”

  — IRVING WALLACE, DAVID WALLECHINSKY, AND AMY WALLACE, Significa

  INGE, William Ralph (1860–1954), British clergyman; dean of St. Paul’s (1911–35).

  1 One of the gloomy dean’s articles provoked the wrath of a lady who wrote to him: “I am praying nightly for your death. It may interest you to know that in two other cases I have had great success.” Inge was delighted with this missive.

  INGERSOLL, Robert Green (1833–99), US lawyer and orator.

  1 Ingersoll was famous as a free-thinker and for his attacks on the Bible. His extensive library reflected his views and interests. A reporter once asked him if he would mind telling him how much his library had cost him. Ingersoll looked over the rows of shelves for a moment and then said, “These books cost me the governorship of Illinois, and maybe the presidency of the United States as well.”

  INGYO (mid-5th century AD), Japanese emperor.

  1 The administration was much bothered during Ingyo’s reign by families who laid claim to nobility to which they were not entitled. In the end Ingyo announced that it had been revealed to him that he could separate those with true claims from the pretenders by having all claimants immerse their arms in boiling water; only those with genuine claims would suffer no ill effects. This had the result of drastically reducing the number who turned up on the day appointed for the trial, as only those with legitimate claims saw fit to appear.

  IPHICRATES (d. 353 BC), Athenian general.

  1 Harmodius and Aristogiton were greatly revered in Athens for their attack on the tyrant Hippias in 514 BC. As a result, their descendants were granted certain privileges. A descendant of Harmodius scoffed at Iphi-crates for being the son of a shoemaker. The general replied, “The difference between us is that my family begins with me, whereas yours ends with you.”

  IRVING, Sir Henry (1838–1905), British actor and theater manager.

  1 In London’s Garrick Club, the haunt of actors, a new member, anxious to establish himself on a familiar footing with the great Irving, approached him, greeted him casually, and launched into an anecdote about having been stopped in the street by a total stranger who had said, “God bless me, is that you?” Irving said: “And — er — was it?”

  IRVING, Washington (1783–1859), American satirist and short-story writer.

  1 Irving hated looking at his books once they had been published, as he could only see their weaknesses. Near the end of his life he was asked which of his books he prized the most. Irving said, “I scarcely look with full satisfaction upon any; for they do not seem what they might have been. I often wish that I could have twenty years more, to take them down from the shelf one by one, and write them over.”

  2 One evening he was preparing to retire for the evening and said to his niece, Sarah, “Well, I must arrange my pillows for another night. When will this end?” Upon which he promptly fell dead of a stroke.

  ISABEY, Jean-Baptiste (1767–1855), French painter.

  1 Isabey visited Vienna in 1815 to make a pictorial record of the participants in the Congress. The great French diplomat Talleyrand indicated that he expected to have the place of honor at the center of the picture. A similar stipulation was made by the Duke of Wellington. Isabey solved the difficulty with masterly diplomacy. He showed the Duke of Wellington entering the hall, with every eye turned toward him, and Talleyrand sitting in an armchair at the center of the picture.

  J

  JACKSON, Andrew (1767–1845), US military commander, 7th President of the United States (1829–37).

  1 In 1791 Jackson married his dearly loved Rachel Donelson Robards in the belief that her first husband had deserted and divorced her. A legitimate divorce was eventually obtained and the Jacksons remarried, but the affair caused much scandal. Jackson was touchy about his wife’s reputation, and when a certain Charles Dickinson made an insulting allusion to Rachel, Jackson immediately challenged him to a duel. The knowledge that Dickinson was a crack pistol shot did not deflect him from his defense of his wife’s name.

  Dickinson took aim quickly and fired, but the impact of his bullet was blunted by the loose coat Jackson was wearing and it merely broke one of his ribs. Jackson then took very slow and deliberate aim and shot Dickinson dead. He later said, “I intended to kill him. I would have stood up long enough to kill him if he had put a bullet in my brain.”

  2 While Jackson was presiding judge at a small town in Tennessee in 1798, a notorious bad-man called Russell Bean created a disturbance outside the courthouse. The sheriff was unable to arrest him single-handed. Nor could he assemble a posse, as no one wanted to tackle the heavily armed Bean, who was swearing to shoot the first person to come within ten feet of him. Finally, Jackson took his pistols and sought out Bean himself. Making his way through the crowd, he walked coolly up to the troublemaker, pistols in hand, and commanded, “Surrender this instant, or I’ll blow you through!” To everyone’s amazement, Bean eyed Jackson for a moment, then meekly allowed himself to be led away. Asked later why he had allowed himself to be cowed by Jackson, Bean answered, “When he came up I looked him in the eye, and I saw shoot, and there wasn’t any shoot in nary other eye in the crowd; and so I says to myself, says I, hoss, it’s about time to sing small, and so I did.”

  3 When the British admiral Sir Alexander Cochrane was about to attack New Orleans, he boasted that he would eat his Christmas dinner in the town. The remark was reporte
d to Jackson, who said, “It may be so, but I shall have the honor of presiding at that dinner.”

  4 Scandal broke out during Jackson’s first administration because of his friendship with Peggy Eaton, the attractive wife of Jackson’s secretary of war. This lady had a rather dubious background, and John Eaton’s marriage to her did not restore her reputation; all the Washington ladies boycotted receptions at which she was present and clergymen denounced her in public. Jackson called two of the latter into a cabinet meeting to discuss the question. The ministers admitted that there was no evidence of improper behavior on the part of John Eaton. “Nor Mrs. Eaton, either!” said the angry president. “I would prefer not to venture an opinion on that point,” replied the clergyman. “She’s as chaste as a virgin!” snapped Jackson. When this last remark was repeated to Daniel Webster, he paraphrased the line from Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra: “Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite virginity.”

  5 Thomas Hart Benton became an enthusiastic Jackson supporter, but in 1813 they had had a fight that left one of Benton’s bullets lodged in Jackson’s left arm. There it remained for many years, until in 1832 a surgeon removed it. It was suggested that the bullet be returned to Benton as it was his property. Benton thanked Jackson, who by now was his friend, but declined the offer, saying that twenty years’ possession of the bullet had made it Jackson’s property. It was pointed out that it was only nineteen years since the duel. Benton replied, “In consideration of the extra care he has taken of it — kept it about his person and so on — I’ll waive the odd year.”

  JACKSON, Joe (1887–1951), US baseball player.

  1 Some reporters and a group of small boys were waiting in the courthouse corridor when Jackson emerged after giving testimony in the “Black Sox Scandal” case, in which Jackson and other White Sox players were accused of accepting bribes to throw the World Series. One of the boys came forward and asked, “It ain’t true, is it, Joe?” to which the player replied, “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

  JACKSON, Reggie (1946–), US baseball player.

  1 Jackson liked to display a baseball he had that was signed, “To Reggie, your friend, The Babe.” But Babe Ruth died in 1948. Investigation revealed that Ruth routinely signed baseballs in his free time, choosing names at random on the chance someone with that name would like to have a signed ball. So he would write, “To John…,” “To Bill…,” “To Pete…,” and so on. “To Reggie …”

  2 Jackson claimed he disliked playing in the World Series. Asked why, he said, “I can’t watch myself play.”

  3 Jackson’s popularity was such that a candy bar was created and named for him. But Catfish Hunter noted how similar it was to the real thing: “When you unwrap it, it tells you how good it is.”

  JACKSON, Shirley (1919–65), US novelist and short-story writer.

  1 After writing her infamous story “The Lottery,” Jackson became obsessed with witchcraft. One day, angry with publisher Alfred Knopf, whom she heard was headed to Vermont on a skiing trip, she fashioned a wax doll in his likeness and stuck pins in one of its legs. And indeed, Knopf broke his leg — in three places — while skiing.

  JACKSON, Thomas Jonathan [“Stonewall”] (1824–63), American Confederate general.

  1 At the first battle of Bull Run in 1861 the fierceness of the Union onslaught caused some confusion in the Confederate ranks. General Barnard Bee, commanding a battalion adjacent to Jackson’s, rode up to him. “General, they are beating us back,” he cried.

  “Give them the bayonet,” shouted Jackson. Heartened by this, Bee galloped back to his own men and encouraged them: “There is Jackson standing like a stone wall! Rally behind the Virginians!” The Confederates rallied and beat off the enemy, and the nickname “Stonewall” was permanently attached to Jackson.

  2 Jackson blamed the failure of an attempt to destroy the canal leading to Washington on the fact that the raid had taken place on a Sunday. In order not to break the Sabbath a second time, he planned the next attempt for early Monday morning, and ordered that the necessary gunpowder be obtained on Saturday. Unfortunately the quartermaster was unable to find a suitable supply of powder that day and was obliged to procure it on Sunday. Jackson learned of this and sent for more powder first thing on Monday morning. He commanded the colonel in charge of the expedition, “I desire that you will see that the powder which is used for this expedition is not the powder that was procured on Sunday.”

  3 General Ewell was so impressed by the conspicuous gallantry of a certain Federal cavalry officer in rallying his troops on the field of battle that he ordered his soldiers not to shoot at the man. Jackson later reprimanded Ewell for this quixotic action, remarking shrewdly, “Shoot the brave officers and the cowards will run away and take their men with them!”

  4 Jackson had strictly forbidden his men to ride into the fields alongside the roads so as not to damage the crops. Returning to his camp near Richmond one day, Jackson became impatient with the slow progress he was making along a road cluttered with wagon trains and led his men through a nearby field of oats. The farmer, witnessing this blatant violation of well-publicized orders, rushed over and blocked Jackson’s path. Purple with rage, he threatened to report the miscreant to Stonewall Jackson himself and have all his men arrested. With some embarrassment the general admitted that he was Stonewall Jackson. The farmer’s manner changed instantly. With tears in his eyes and waving his bandanna around his head, he cried, “Hurrah for Stonewall Jackson! By God, general, please do me the honor to ride all over my damned old oats!”

  5 An enemy sergeant had been captured and was taken to Jackson’s tent for further questioning. While waiting for the general to arrive, the prisoner began to stroke the rump of Jackson’s horse and run his finger through the tail in an absentminded manner. One of Jackson’s staff noticed hat he was actually pulling a few hairs out of the tail every time he did this and ordered him to stop. At this point Jackson arrived, and, seeing the prisoner’s hand full of horsehair, asked for an explanation. The man replied, respect and admiration in his voice, that every hair from the general’s horse would be worth a dollar in New York. Jackson was so moved by this tribute to his renown that he sent the prisoner away without further interrogation, still clutching his handful of horsehair.

  6 General J. E. B. Stuart arrived at Jackson’s camp late one night. Everyone was asleep, and Stuart lay down beside Jackson’s bed to get some rest. It was a cold night. In his sleep Stuart gradually began to pull Jackson’s blankets over himself and unconsciously slipped in between the sheets. When he awoke in the early morning, he was astonished to find himself in Jackson’s bed, still fully clothed, and got out as quickly as possible. Emerging from the tent some time later, he was greeted by Jackson with the words: “General Stuart, I’m always glad to see you here. You might select better hours sometimes, but I’m always glad to have you. But, general, you must not get into my bed with your boots and spurs on and ride me around like a cavalry horse all night!”

  7 Jackson was much amused by the pompous proclamations issued by General John Pope under the rubric “Headquarters in the Saddle.” He noted that Pope seemed unable to distinguish “his hindquarters from his headquarters.”

  8 After a brilliantly successful maneuver Jackson outflanked a greatly superior number of Union troops at Chancellorsville, Virginia. On May 2, 1863, as dusk was falling, the Federals began to flee and Jackson rode out to organize the pursuit. Some of his own men, not recognizing their general in the twilight, shot and wounded him so badly that he lost his left arm. Pneumonia set in and Jackson died. His last words were: “Let us cross over the river and sit under the shade of the trees.”

  JACOBI, Karl Gustav Jacob (1804–51), German mathematician.

  1 Jacobi’s brother, M. H. Jacobi, had a prodigious contemporary reputation as the founder of the fashionable “science” of galvan-oplasty. The professor of mathematics was constantly being mistaken for M. H. Jacobi or even congratulated on having such a famous sibli
ng. Conscious of the lasting value of his own work, K.G.J. found this tiresome. When a lady complimented him on having such a distinguished brother, he retorted, “Pardon me, madame, but I am my brother!”

  JAMES, Henry (1843–1916), US novelist and critic.

  1 (According to David Cecil:)

  “Henry James was all that Max [Beer-bohm] liked a great man to be: majestic, benignant and slightly comical….Henry James, on his side, took to Max. He liked courteous, elegant, intelligent young men. He treated Max on flatteringly equal terms. Once, at a wedding reception, a woman friend saw the two standing together. ‘How terribly distinguished you look,’ she said. ‘We are distinguished,’ Henry James replied. ‘But you need not look so terribly so,’ said the friend. ‘We are shameless, shameless!’ said Henry James.”

  2 Though invitations to the literary parties of Sir Edmund Gosse were eagerly sought by aspiring writers, the parties themselves were often somewhat uncomfortable occasions. At one party, crushed against the wall in the overcrowded room, Henry James was among those forced to watch a rather dreary puppet show. After a time he groaned, “An interesting example of economy. Economy of means and…economy of effect.”

  3 Edith Wharton recalled a moment that captured the essence of James. While driving near Windsor they got lost, and, spotting an old man, approached him for directions. “My good man,” James began. “To put it to you in two words, this lady and I have just arrived here from Slough; that is to say, to be more strictly accurate, we have recently passed through Slough on our way here, having actually motored to Windsor from Rye, which was our point of departure; and the darkness having overtaken us, we should be much obliged if you would tell us where we are in relation, say, to the High Street, which, as you of course know, leads to the Castle, after leaving on the left hand the turn down to the railway station.” The old man looked dazed, at which point Wharton leaned over and asked where King’s Road was. “Ye’re in it,” snapped the man.