Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  8 A lady approached Stravinsky and told him that, of all his works, she liked Scheherazade best. “But, madame, I did not compose Scheherazade,” he protested. “Oh,” said his admirer, “don’t be modest.”

  9 Stravinsky was inveighing against some critics who had treated his work rather harshly. A friend tried to reassure him: “No one can please everyone. Even God does not please everyone.” Stravinsky jumped up, shouting, “Especially God!”

  10 Choreographer George Balanchine tells the following story: “Stravinsky’s Circus Polka was composed precisely for the circus — for the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus in 1942. The circus impresarios wanted to do a ballet for elephants. They asked me to arrange the dance and told me I could choose the composer. Who else but Stravinsky? I telephoned him, not giving away the whole story.

  “ ‘What kind of music?’ he asked.

  “ ‘A polka,’ I said.

  “ ‘For whom?’ he wanted to know.

  “ ‘Elephants.’

  “ ‘How old?’

  “ ‘Young!’

  “ ‘Okay, if they are very young, I’ll do it.’

  “What he did served its purpose very well, and our ballet…. was done no less than 425 times.”

  11 Stravinsky, greatly concerned with his health, would sometimes put himself on a diet of raw vegetables. During one such period he dined on raw tomatoes and potatoes at a restaurant with composer Nicholas Nabokov. Nabokov left some of his cutlet at the side of his plate, and Stravinsky asked if he might finish it. Swallowing the morsel with a generous helping of sour cream, he declared: “I want to astonish the raw potato in my stomach.”

  12 Stravinsky’s publisher, impatient to publish his latest composition, urged him to hurry its completion. “Hurry!” exclaimed the enraged composer. “I never hurry. I have no time to hurry.”

  13 A librettist commiserated with Stravinsky over the very bad reviews he had received for The Rake’s Progress. Stravinsky seemed unconcerned, and taking out the check he had received for conducting the performance, said, “This is the only review I read.”

  STRUG, Kerri (1977–), US Olympic gymnast.

  1 The famously retiring young gymnast completed her final vault in the 1996 Olympics despite great pain caused by a sprained ankle, and thus led her team to the first American gold medal in the women’s team event. Her coach, Bela Karolyi, said of her, “Always a little shy, always standing behind someone else. But sometimes this is the person with the biggest ggrrrrr.”

  STUART, James Ewell Brown (1833–64), US Confederate commander.

  1 In the summer of 1862 Stuart was visiting a house that was raided by Union cavalrymen, and in the confusion of his hasty departure left behind his hat and plume. A week or two later, Stuart and his men attacked the forces of General Pope and plundered the Federal camp. In the morning Stuart displayed his booty — the blue uniform coat of General Pope himself. He lost no time in sending the following proposition to Pope: “General: You have my hat and plume. I have your best coat. I have the honor to propose a cartel for a fair exchange of the prisoners.”

  STUBBS, John (1543–91), British pamphleteer.

  1 In 1579 it seemed that Queen Elizabeth was likely to marry the Duke of Anjou, much to the consternation of her Protestant subjects. Stubbs wrote an intemperate pamphlet against the marriage entitled The Discovery of a Gaping Gulf to Swallow England. The queen was furious; author, printer, and bookseller were apprehended and condemned to have their right hands cut off. The printer was pardoned, but the historian William Camden was an eyewitness to the execution of sentence on Stubbs and the bookseller. He records that as soon as his right hand had been struck off, Stubbs raised his hat with his left hand, waved it, and shouted, “God save the Queen!”

  SUDERMANN, Hermann (1857–1928), German playwright and novelist.

  1 Sudermann and fellow-dramatist Richard Voss disliked each other. When a dramatists’ guild was founded, their colleagues brought them together to effect a reconciliation, as their names were of importance to the guild. After much hesitation they were persuaded to shake hands. Voss added, “Herr Sudermann, I wish for your next play the same success as you wish me.” Sudermann turned to the onlookers: “Do you hear that? There he goes again!”

  SULLIVAN, Sir Arthur Seymour (1842–1900), British composer and conductor. His greatest successes were the comic Savoy operas on which he collaborated with W. S. Gilbert.

  1 Returning home one night after a convivial party, Sullivan found he could not identify his own house in the terraced row of identical dwellings on his street. Fortunately his acute tonal sense did not desert him. He walked along the row, pausing to kick the metal shoe scrapers that stood by the sides of the front entrances. One rang a familiar note. Sullivan kicked it again. “That’s it: E-flat,” he muttered and walked confidently into the house.

  SULLIVAN, John Lawrence (1858–1918), US heavyweight boxer.

  1 Sullivan was once accosted in a bar by a puny little drunk, who challenged the burly champion to a fight. “Listen, you,” growled Sullivan. “If you hit me just once — and I find out about it …”

  SUMMERALL, Charles Pelot (1867–1955), US general.

  1 Summerall’s division had suffered heavy casualties at the Argonne in World War I. Asked how much longer he could continue, he replied, “As long as there are enough men for my division to be organized in depth.”

  “How many men will that take?”

  “Two,” replied Summerall. “One behind the other.”

  SUMNER, Charles (1811–74), US statesman.

  1 A possibly apocryphal story tells how Sumner in his younger days was suddenly taken dangerously ill, so ill that he could not be conveyed home. He was laid upon a couch in his office in great pain. The friend who was with him, expecting his imminent death, asked if there was anything that he would wish to do by way of spiritual preparation. “I am prepared to die,” whispered Sumner, “I have read Calvin’s Institutes through in the original.”

  SUSANN, Jacqueline (1918–74), US author of highly popular novels, of which Valley of the Dolls and The Love Machine were perhaps the most successful.

  1 The Love Machine was competing in the bestseller lists with Philip Roth’s Portnoy’s Complaint, which dealt in part with masturbation. Asked her opinion of Roth, Jackie replied, “He’s a fine writer, but I wouldn’t want to shake hands with him.”

  2 Jackie and her husband were dining at Maurice Chevalier’s country home. The dinner was elegantly served, but the portions were extremely small. After this insubstantial meal, the party retired to Chevalier’s study. “What would you like to drink, Jacqueline, ma chère?“ asked her host. “Maurice,” she replied, “I never drink on an empty stomach.”

  3 She once called her editor at three o’clock in the morning, complaining that her current book was underrepresented in bookstores. When he mentioned the hour to her, she snapped, “You son of a bitch, I can’t sleep, so why should you?”

  4 Susann left her publisher for another just as her new book, Once Is Not Enough, was being published. On publication day he sent her a single rose with a note that read, “For us, once was enough.”

  5 A certain young lady, eager to appear on the television show Talent Scouts, produced by Susann’s husband, Irving Mansfield, sent Mansfield a provocative photograph of herself. “I’ll do anything to get on your show,” she wrote, “and when I say anything, I mean anything.” Unfortunately, it was Jackie who opened the letter. “I am Mrs. Mansfield,” she replied, “and I do everything for my husband — and when I say everything, I mean everything.”

  SUTTON, Don (1945–), US baseball player.

  1 As a nineteen-year-old pitcher from Alabama, Sutton hoped to be drafted into the major leagues. He got a call from A’s owner Charles Finley, who, after some conversation, asked him his nickname. Sutton told him that everyone just called him Don. Fin-ley, a great lover of and bestower of nicknames, professed astonishment. “Why, we’ve just signed three kids call
ed Catfish, Blue Moon, and Jumbo Jim. If you don’t have a nickname, we can’t give you the money.” And he didn’t.

  2 The Dodgers pitcher was occasionally accused of altering baseballs to heighten the power of his pitches. When asked if it was true that he used a “foreign substance” on baseballs, Sutton replied, “Not true at all. Vaseline is manufactured right here in the United States of America.”

  3 An umpire once searched Sutton for evidence of ball doctoring but found only a note in his glove that read, “You’re getting warm but it is not there.”

  SUVOROV, Alexander Vasilievich (1729–1800), Russian general.

  1 On his campaign Suvorov lived as an ordinary soldier. Asked if he ever took off his clothes at night, he replied, “No; when I get lazy and want to have a comfortable sleep I generally take off one spur.”

  SVYATOPOLK (11th century AD), grand prince of Kiev and son of Saint Vladimir.

  1 The city-state of Novgorod liked to consider itself a free republic. Although it was under the nominal charge of an elected prince, control was really exercised by the merchant-aristocrats of the area. Thus, the suggestion forcibly put forward by Grand Prince Svya-topolk that the city accept his son as its prince was coolly received. The Novgorod-vans discussed the idea and sent back their message: “Send him here if he has a spare head.”

  SWEDENBORG, Emanuel (1688–1772), Swedish mystic, scientist, and philosopher.

  1 Swedenborg was a very practical man. In a little inn in London one day, he was eating his dinner very rapidly when he thought he saw in the corner of the room a vision of Jesus Christ. The vision uttered two words: “Eat slower.” This sensible advice was the beginning of all his visionary experiences.

  SWIFT, Jonathan (1667–1745), Anglo-Irish clergyman, satirist, and journalist.

  1 When Swift first started to visit a fashionable London coffeehouse, the regular clientele, comprising some of the foremost literary men in England, were so amazed by the eccentric behavior of the unknown parson that they concluded he must be mad. Dr. John Ar-buthnot, the queen’s physician, was writing a letter and needed some sand, as the custom then was, to blot it. Spying the strange parson nearby and thinking to have some fun with him, he said, “Pray, sir, have you any sand about you?”

  “No, sir,” said Swift, “but I have the gravel, and if you will give the letter to me, I’ll piss upon it.” From this unlikely start, a warm friendship grew up between the doctor and the divine.

  2 On his travels Swift stopped at a house where the hostess, anxious to please her eminent visitor, asked him what he would like for dinner. “Will you have an apple pie, sir? Will you have a gooseberry pie, sir? A plum pie? A currant pie? A cherry pie? A pigeon pie —”

  “Any pie but a magpie, madam,” interrupted Swift.

  3 On a journey by foot one day Swift was caught in a heavy thunderstorm and took shelter under a large tree. Presently he was joined by a rough-looking man and a pregnant woman. Falling into conversation with them, Swift learned that they were en route to the nearby town to be married. As the woman seemed likely to give birth at any moment, Swift’s offer to marry them was happily accepted and Swift performed the marriage ceremony. The pair were about to go on their way when the husband remembered that a certificate was necessary to validate the marriage. Swift obliged by writing: “Under an oak, in stormy weather, / I joined this rogue and whore together; / And none but he who rules the thunder / Can put this rogue and whore asunder.”

  4 Dean Swift was reprimanded for preaching a charity sermon at such inordinate length that by the end the audience was very little inclined to contribute to the cause concerned. On the next occasion the dean determined to make it terse. He announced his text from Prov. 19: “ ‘He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the Lord; and that which he hath given will he pay him again.’ You have heard the terms of the loan,” Swift continued, “and if you like the security, put down your money.” Then he sat down. The resulting donations were generous.

  5 Lady Carteret, wife of the English viceroy in Ireland, was on friendly terms with Swift. One day when she happened to remark on how good the air was in Ireland, Swift fell on his knees and besought her, “For God’s sake, madam, don’t say that in England, for if you do, they will surely tax it.”

  6 At the age of fifty Swift gazed at the withered crown of a tree and remarked to the poet Edward Young, “I shall be like that tree; I shall die from the top.”

  {This prediction, sadly, was fulfilled by Swift’s mental decay in his last years.}

  SWINBURNE, Algernon Charles (1837–1909), British poet.

  1 (Swinburne had a hard time at school; Sir Osbert Sitwell records the reminiscences of an eighty-six-year-old former schoolmate.) “He told me how much he had enjoyed his long life. ‘If a man — or a schoolboy for that matter —’ he continued, ‘does not get on well, it’s his own fault. I well remember, when I first went to Eton, the head-boy called us together, and pointing to a little fellow with a mass of curly red hair, said, “If ever you see that boy, kick him — and if you are too far off to kick him, throw a stone.” … He was a fellow named Swinburne,’ he added. ‘He used to write poetry for a time, I believe, but I don’t know what became of him.’ ”

  SZILARD, Leo (1898–1964), Hungarian-born US physicist.

  1 On one occasion Szilard was discussing with his colleague Enrico Fermi the possibility of the existence of other life in the cosmos. Fermi held forth on the vastness of the universe, the likelihood that stars other than the sun would have planetary systems, the aeons of time that would enable life to emerge on some of these planets, and the probability that intelligent beings not only would exist elsewhere in the universe but would be capable of traveling to our own Earth. “If all this has been happening,” concluded Fermi, “how is it that they have not arrived? Where are they?”

  “They are already among us,” replied Szi-lard, “but they call themselves Hungarians.”

  T

  TAFT, Horace Dutton (1890–1936), US educator, brother of William Howard Taft and founder of the Taft School in Connecticut.

  1 When the son of a pompous businessman was expelled from Taft’s school, his enraged father was determined to have him readmitted. He stormed into Taft’s office without knocking and roared, “Mr. Taft, you think you can run this school any damned way you please, don’t you?” Taft looked at him calmly. “Your manner is crude and your language vulgar,” he replied, “but you have somehow got the point.”

  TAFT, Lorado (1860–1936), US sculptor.

  1 Taft was working on a classical sculpture that required the effect of windblown robes. Leaving the Art Institute of Chicago one windy day, the sculptor found himself walking on the opposite side of the street from two nuns, whose swirling robes offered a perfect model of the effect he hoped to create. Taft then realized that a man was closely following the nuns. Somewhat concerned, he crossed the street and accosted the man — only to find himself face to face with a fellow sculptor.

  TAFT, William Howard (1857–1930), 27th President of the United States (1909–13) and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (1921–30).

  1 When a blizzard hit Washington in the spring of 1909, Taft’s inauguration ceremony had to be moved inside. “I’ve always said it would be a cold day when I got to be President of the United States,” noted Taft.

  2 On one occasion Taft, stranded at a small country railroad station, was informed that the express train would stop only if a number of people wanted to board it. Taft wired the conductor: “Stop at Hicksville. Large party waiting to catch train.” When the train stopped, Taft boarded and reassured the confused conductor: “You can go ahead. I am the large party.”

  3 At Beverly Bay, Massachusetts, clad in a vast bathing suit, Taft plunged into the waves and was disporting himself in the water when one of his neighbors suggested to a friend that they also should go for a swim. “Better wait,” the friend replied. “The President is using the ocean.”

  4 During a political speech a listen
er threw a cabbage at Taft, who then paused, examined the cabbage and said, “I see that one of my opponents has lost its head.”

  5 Taft was asked to comment on his spectacular defeat in the 1912 presidential election, when he ran for reelection against Woodrow Wilson and Theodore Roosevelt. “Well, I have one consolation,” remarked Taft. “No candidate was ever elected ex-President by such a large majority.”

  6 Upon leaving the White House Taft was offered a Chair of Law by his alma mater, Yale. Taft noted that, given his size of over 350 pounds, a Sofa of Law would be more appropriate.

  7 Taft spent many years in public service. When asked by a reporter how he had managed to occupy so many posts, he answered, “Like every well-trained Ohio man, I always had my plate the right side up when offices were falling.”

  TALLEYRAND-PÉRIGORD, Charles Maurice de (1754–1838), French statesman.

  1 Talleyrand had a faithful but inquisitive servant. One day, after entrusting a letter to him for delivery, he glanced out of the window and observed the man reading the letter. The following day Talleyrand sent another letter, this time with a postscript: “You may send a verbal answer by the bearer; he is perfectly acquainted with the whole business, having taken the precaution of reading this prior to its delivery.”

  2 Examining a draft budget prepared by Louis XVIII, Talleyrand pointed out that no provision had been made for payment of the deputies. “I think they should perform their duties without any payment,” said the king. “It should be an honorary position.”