Bartlett's Book of Anecdotes

by Clifton Fadiman

  “Holy land?”

  “Yes, surely we must be a holy land because here the Passion of the Savior repeats itself — except in reverse.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “What’s to understand? In those days One died for us all. Here all of us die for one.”

  VICTORIA (1819–1901), queen of the United Kingdom (1837–1901).

  1 Victoria was eleven years old when she learned that she stood next in line to the throne. Her governess showed her a list of the kings and queens of England with her own name added after those of George IV and William IV. The child burst into tears as the implications sank in. Then she controlled herself and said solemnly, “I will be good.”

  2 As a young woman Victoria was a keen theatergoer. At a performance of King Lear, however, the tragedy failed to engage her attention, and for most of the early part of the play she chatted to the lord chamberlain, who was in her box. At last she began to pay more attention to the stage. After a while the lord chamberlain ventured to ask her what she thought of the play. “A strange, horrible business,” she replied, “but I suppose good enough for Shakespeare’s day.”

  3 Victoria’s mother, the Duchess of Kent, totally dominated her daughter’s upbringing and clearly had ambitions to be the power behind the throne once Victoria became queen. The princess slept in her mother’s room and was never allowed to talk to anyone except in the presence of her German governess or the duchess. The very day that William IV died and Victoria ascended the throne, the Duchess of Kent came to Victoria after the state dignitaries had departed and inquired if there was anything she could do for her. “I wish to be left alone,” replied Victoria, and the same day she gave orders for her bed to be moved from the duchess’s room.

  4 Stafford House, the London house of the Duke and Duchess of Sutherland, was the center of high society in the early years of Queen Victoria’s reign. The duchess was a close friend of the queen. The magnificence of Stafford House led Victoria to remark to her hostess on one of her frequent visits, “I have come from my house to your palace.”

  5 Before she made the announcement to her councilors of her decision to marry Prince Albert, Queen Victoria was seen to be trembling. Someone asked her if she was nervous. “Yes, but I have just done a far more nervous thing,” replied the queen. “I proposed to Prince Albert.”

  6 When Victoria was about to marry Prince Albert, she wished to have the title “King Consort” bestowed upon him by act of Parliament. Lord Melbourne, knowing the depth of opposition to such a move on behalf of an unknown German princeling, strongly advised against it. “For God’s sake, ma’am, let’s have no more of that. If you get the English people into the way of making kings, you’ll get them into the way of unmaking them.”

  7 Victoria and Albert had a quarrel shortly after their marriage. Albert stalked out of the room and locked himself in his private apartments. Victoria hammered furiously upon the door. “Who’s there?” called Albert. “The queen of England, and she demands to be admitted.” There was no response and the door remained locked. Victoria hammered at the door again. “Who’s there?” The reply was still “The queen of England,” and still the door remained shut. More fruitless and furious knocking was followed by a pause. Then there was a gentle tap. “Who’s there?” The queen replied, “Your wife, Albert.” The prince at once opened the door.

  8 In the early years of their marriage, Victoria and Albert visited Florence several times, greatly impressed by the city’s architectural treasures. Of these, the Brunelleschi dome surmounting the cathedral was their personal favorite. Victoria returned to Florence some years after Albert’s death to find that the dome had been magnificently restored. She ordered the carriage to stop in the piazza outside the cathedral and rolled down the window. Opening up the locket that hung around her neck, she turned the miniature of her beloved husband to face the building, so that he could share with her the splendor of the newly restored dome. Then, after a few moments’ silent contemplation, she closed the locket and drove away.

  9 It was well known that the queen disapproved of tobacco and had banned smoking in the royal residences. Her sons, however, smoked a great deal, and, according to a popular story, had appropriated a room in Windsor to use as a smoking room. Panic ensued when they learned that their mother intended to make an inspection of every room in the castle, until the Prince of Wales thought up a solution. The letters WC were without delay put up over the door.

  10 The queen and her daughter, the Empress Frederick of Prussia, who had distinctly different literary tastes, were arguing about the merits of the popular romantic novelist Marie Corelli. The queen claimed that Marie Corelli would rank as one of the greatest writers of the time; the Empress Frederick thought her writings were trash. The empress summoned a gentleman-in-waiting, who had not heard the beginning of the discussion, and asked his opinion of Marie Corelli. He replied that he thought the secret of her popularity was that her writings appealed to the semi-educated. The subject was dropped very quickly.

  11 On a crossing to Ireland the ship in which Queen Victoria was traveling encountered rough weather. A gigantic wave caused such a violent lurch that the queen was almost knocked off her feet. Recovering her balance she said to an attendant, “Go up to the bridge, give the admiral my compliments, and tell him he’s not to let that happen again.”

  12 “In order to hear how HMS Eurydice, a frigate sunk off Portsmouth, had been salvaged, Queen Victoria invited Admiral Foley to lunch. Having exhausted this melancholy subject, Queen Victoria inquired after her close friend, the Admiral’s sister. Hard of hearing, Admiral Foley replied in his stentorian voice, ‘Well, Ma’am, I am going to have her turned over, take a good look at her bottom and have it well scraped.’ The queen put down her knife and fork, hid her face in her handkerchief, and laughed until the tears ran down her cheeks.”

  13 On visits to the London home of Baroness Burdett-Coutts, Victoria could often be found sitting beside the window on the top floor. From there she would watch, with a childlike fascination, the traffic stream pass below her in Piccadilly. She once explained to the baroness: “Yours is the only place where I can go to see the traffic without stopping it.”

  14 During a visit by some of her grandchildren, the queen heard them roaring with laughter and proceeded to investigate. It appeared that one of them had made a joke of a somewhat “advanced” nature, and they were reluctant to repeat it. Eventually the queen prevailed upon one of the boys to comply with her royal command, and, hearing the joke, realized that it was not to her taste. She drew herself up and, with the dignified rebuke, “We are not amused!” left the room.

  15 Victoria asked after the health of one of her ladies-in-waiting, who had been quite ill. Told that the lady in question was recovering nicely, and that her ailment had been centered in her legs, the famously prudish Victoria coughed and replied that in her day, “Young ladies did not used to have legs.”

  16 After the defeat of a British army unit in South Africa, Victoria wished to send them a telegraph. When told by her private secretary that the custom was to send a message only in the event of a victory, Victoria said, “And since when have I not been proud of my troops whether in success or defeat? Clear the line.”

  17 On her deathbed the queen noted that she would be soon reunited with her beloved, and long-dead, husband Albert. “Ah yes,” said a lady-in-waiting, “you’ll soon meet Albert in Abraham’s bosom.” “I will not meet Abraham,” snapped Victoria.

  18 On the anniversary of Queen Victoria’s death, her children would visit the mausoleum at Frogmore. One year, as they knelt piously in prayer, a dove entered the mausoleum and flew about. “It is dear Mama’s spirit,” they murmured. “No, I am sure it’s not,” contradicted Princess Louise. “It must be dear Mama’s spirit,” they persisted. “No, it isn’t,” said Princess Louise. “Dear Mama’s spirit would never have ruined Beatrice’s hat.”

  VIDAL, Gore (1925–), US writer.

  1 The Engli
sh novelist Anthony Powell, attending an international writers’ conference in Sofia, Bulgaria, found himself alongside Vidal, inspecting some pictures taken of the session. Several of these showed Vidal beside an Indian delegate. “I always sit next to a man in a turban,” explained Vidal. “You get photographed more.”

  VILLA, Pancho (?1877–1923), Mexican revolutionary.

  1 As Pancho Villa lay dying, his last words were, “Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.”

  VILLIERS de L’Isle-Adam, Auguste, Comte de (1839–89), French writer of the Symbolist school.

  1 “Villiers de L’Isle-Adam, who was leaving the following day for London to be married, an expectation which was never realized, came to see Mallarmé and… asked to be taught English at once. ‘Willingly,’ replied Mallarmé, ‘but I cannot begin the lessons for two days.’ ‘Oh,’ replied Villiers, ‘we can simplify matters. As it is a question of a coming marriage, you might teach me only the future tenses of the verbs.’ ”

  VIRCHOW, Rudolf (1821–1902), German pathologist and politician.

  1 Bismarck, enraged at Virchow’s constant criticisms, had his seconds call upon the scientist to challenge him to a duel. “As the challenged party, I have the choice of weapons,” said Virchow, “and I choose these.” He held aloft two large and apparently identical sausages. “One of these,” he went on, “is infected with deadly germs; the other is perfectly sound. Let His Excellency decide which one he wishes to eat, and I will eat the other.” Almost immediately the message came back that the chancellor had decided to laugh off the duel.

  2 The French ethnologist Armand de Quatre-fages was incensed by the damage done to Paris’s natural history museum by German shells during the Franco-Prussian War of 1870. He declared that the Prussians were by race not Nordic or Teutonic but descendants of the barbarian hordes of Huns who ravished eastern Europe during the Middle Ages. Virchow was outraged by this racial slur. As a member of the Prussian Parliament, he introduced a bill by which the physical characteristics of every schoolchild in Prussia — six million in number — could be examined and assessed. The survey was carried out, head measurements, bones, hair, and teeth were all analyzed, and Virchow proved scientifically that the Prussians were in origin Franks — cousins, in fact, of the French themselves. But the epithet “Hun” was applied derogatorily to the Germans thereafter, especially by Germany’s enemies in the two world wars.

  VOLTAIRE [François-Marie Arouet] (1694–1778), French philosopher, writer, and wit.

  1 In 1717 Voltaire, in consequence of a satire directed against the regent, Philippe d’Or-léans, was imprisoned in the Bastille for eleven months. Liberated, Voltaire, a highly adaptable man, thanked the regent for the gracious pardon. The latter, aware of Voltaire’s power, was equally anxious to effect a reconciliation and made all the appropriate apologies. Voltaire replied: “Your Highness, I am most grateful for your generosity with respect to my board but in the future you need not worry yourself about my lodging.”

  2 Voltaire and a select group of friends were running through Voltaire’s latest play before its production. During the reading of a lengthy speech, Montesquieu fell asleep. “Wake him up,” said Voltaire. “He seems to imagine that he’s in the audience.”

  3 In 1725 Voltaire became involved in a stupid quarrel with the Chevalier de Rohan-Chabot, a short-tempered aristocrat, possibly over Voltaire’s mistress, the famous actress Adrienne Lecouvreur. There was an exchange of insults at the Opéra, in which the chevalier came out badly and left the theater threatening revenge. A few days later Voltaire was dining with a patron when he was told that someone wished to speak to him. In the street a number of ruffians hired by the chevalier fell on him and beat him up. The chevalier, who watched the whole episode from his own coach, cried out, “Be careful not to hit him on the head. Something might come out of that one day.”

  4 Voltaire was in exile in London at a time when popular feelings ran high against the French. One day on the street he was surrounded by an angry mob shouting, “Hang him. Hang the Frenchman!” Turning to face the mob, Voltaire said, “Men of England! You wish to kill because I am a Frenchman. Am I not punished enough in not being born an Englishman?” This tactful speech so pleased the crowd that they cheered and escorted him safely back to his lodgings.

  5 Rousseau sent a copy of his “Ode to Posterity” hot off the press to Voltaire for his opinion. Voltaire read it through and commented, “I do not think this poem will reach its destination.”

  6 A notoriously dissolute group of Parisians invited Voltaire to participate in an orgy. He accepted, giving such a satisfactory account of himself that the very next night he was asked to come again. “Ah, no, my friends,” said Voltaire with a slight smile. “Once: a philosopher; twice: a pervert!”

  7 Though it enjoyed an unprecedented success, Voltaire’s Oedipe drew the criticism of the aged Fontenelle, who told the author that he considered some of the verses “too strong and full of fire.”

  “To correct myself I shall read your Pastorales,” Voltaire replied.

  8 After a long absence a royal favorite returned to the court of Frederick the Great. Many rumors circulated as to the reason for her absence. She complained to Voltaire, “The things they say about me are incredible! They even say I retired to the country in order to give birth to twins!” Voltaire replied, “Don’t let that disturb you. I believe only half of what I hear at the court.”

  9 At the funeral of a certain nobleman, Voltaire declared, “He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend — provided, of course, that he really is dead.”

  10 In 1759 Casanova, the author of the famous Mémoires, set out from Paris on a two-year journey around Europe, in the course of which he visited Voltaire in Switzerland. Voltaire had been reading some of the works of the Swiss physiologist and polymath Al-brecht von Haller. He praised them to his guest. “That praise is ill returned,” said Casanova, “for he has been saying that your work is nonsense.” Voltaire smiled. “Perhaps we are both mistaken,” he said.

  11 Voltaire drank prodigious quantities of coffee throughout his life. Some killjoy warned him that he should give up the beverage because it was a slow poison. “I think it must be slow,” the elderly philosopher replied, “for I have been drinking it for sixty-five years and I am not dead yet.”

  12 Visitors to Voltaire’s model village at Ferney near Geneva remarked on the church that the old skeptic had built there for the villagers. Over the door was the dedication: “DEO EREXIT VOLTAIRE.” Voltaire liked to observe that it was the only church in Europe that was erected to God.

  13 At Ferney, Voltaire once had as guests a certain Huber and also the noted mathematician Jean d’Alembert. It was proposed that each ad-lib a story involving thieves. Huber’s invention was received with acclamation, as was d’Alembert’s. It was now Voltaire’s turn. “Gentlemen,” he said, “there was once a tax collector… good Lord, I’ve forgotten the rest of the story.”

  14 Voltaire was approached by a man who thanked him for having destroyed credibility in religion, and asked for his advice since he wanted to found a new religion without the flaws that Voltaire had found so easily in Christianity. “Simple enough,” said Voltaire. “Go get yourself crucified and rise from the dead.”

  15 In the last year of his life the famous invalid, domiciled at the Marquis de Villette’s mansion, was visited by hordes of admirers, anxious to pay their last respects. Among them were two mediocre dramatists, Antoine Lemierre and Dormont de Belloy. Voltaire remarked to them, “Gentlemen, as I take farewell of life, I am consoled by the knowledge that I leave behind me Lemierre and de Belloy.” After Voltaire’s death Lemierre was fond of recalling these words, never failing to add, “And poor de Belloy never suspected that Voltaire was making fun of him.”

  16 When Voltaire lay on his deathbed a priest arrived to shrive him. The philosopher asked: “Who sent you here, Monsieur l’Abbé?”

  “God himself, Monsieur Voltaire.”

/>   “Ah, my dear sir, and where are your credentials?”

  W

  WADDELL, Rube (1876–1914), US baseball player, pitcher for the Philadelphia Athletics.

  1 “He wielded a pretty hefty bat for a pitcher, and was allowed to swing for himself one day in the eighth inning with the score 2-1 against the Athletics, two out, and tying run on second. The catcher of the opposing nine saw a chance to pick off the runner at second and heaved the ball in that general direction. It ended in center field, and the runner hotfooted for the plate. He’d have made it, too, with plenty to spare, but as the throw came into the plate, Waddell, to the amazement of everybody in the park, swung at the ball, bashed it out over the right field fence, and was promptly declared out for interference. ‘Why did you do it?’ wailed Manager Connie Mack. ‘They’d been feeding me curves all afternoon,’ explained the Rube sheepishly, ‘and this was the first straight ball I’d looked at!’ ”

  WALKER, James John (1881–1946), US politician, mayor of New York (1926–32).

  1 Henry (“Light-Horse Harry”) Lee’s famous toast to George Washington, “To the memory of the man, first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen,” was repeated at a Washington’s Birthday celebratory banquet by Jimmy Walker. After a brief pause the mayor went on, “No one’s ever understood how he happened to marry a widow.”

  WALLER, Edmund (1606-87), British lyric poet.

  1 One of Waller’s most successful poems with a political theme is his panegyric on Oliver Cromwell. His later laudatory verses on Charles II were generally considered inferior in poetic merit. The king having commented upon this difference, Waller replied, “Poets, sire, succeed better in fiction than in truth.”