The Mourning Woods (The Tome of Bill Book 3)

by Rick Gualtieri

  “Really?”

  “Yes,” she replied with more conviction. “My master’s warnings aside, I can see that you’re trying to do the right thing here. At least until this business is over...” She appeared to struggle with the words for a moment before blurting out, “you have my support.”

  Wow. I was actually touched ... sorta anyway. The implication, that once this was over she’d go back to trying to kill me, did put a damper on any celebrations. But still...

  “Thank you,” I said, meaning it.

  “Isn’t she great?” Tom asked, beaming at her.

  “Wonderful,” replied Sally deadpan. “That still doesn’t help us if Turd decides to go apeshit on Bill tomorrow.”

  Though she had meant it seriously, her comment still caused the rest of us to break up into laughter. Unfortunately for me, she did have a point ... a potentially lethal one.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Even though none of us were in the mood to sleep, everyone was well aware that whatever awaited the next night wouldn’t exactly be helped if we were all dragging our asses. As I lay there waiting for unconsciousness to claim me, I again found myself wishing that Alex had left some of his special incense behind. Never discount the theory of better living through chemistry, I say.

  Speaking of Alex, I wondered where he was. I found myself hoping that he quickly finished up whatever investigation he was on so he could get back to the conference. He would probably have some bit of insight that would let us weasel out of this defilement bullshit. There had to be some loophole he knew. Of course, he also never bothered to mention the whole sacred tree business to me in his briefings. For all I knew, the dude had set me up to fail. But why? I mean, he worked for the Draculas. One didn’t lightly fuck them over.

  On the other hand, depending on how these talks went, François might end up being promoted to their level. Could he have maybe bribed Alex to work for him? After all, if François ascended to fill the Khan’s chair, he would have the clout to keep the others off of Alex’s back. That kind of made sense. Since I was an X-factor in all of this, they could both be working to throw me to the wolves.

  Gah! I hated this espionage shit. It’s the main reason I didn’t read Tom Clancy. All of this crap went right over my head. Why did people have to try so hard to screw each other over? How much better would the world be if we could all mind our own goddamned business?

  Of course, this reminded me of exactly how shaky my moral ground truly was. We kept going along under the fallacy that the vampires were the good guys here. Were we really? Hah! That was an easy one. All of that talk about global war and being a symbiotic race with the humans was pure self-serving bullshit. Even I could see that. We were like farmers trying to keep the foxes out of the henhouse, for no reason other than we wanted to eat the chickens ourselves.

  Not that any of it mattered. I could sit atop as many moral high-horses as I pleased and that still wasn’t going to save my ass. Jesus Christ! I didn’t want any of this. All I wanted out of the world was just one actual, honest-to-god, date with Sheila. How the fuck did I wind up here?

  As I drifted off to sleep, no answers to that question presented themselves. Stupid subconscious.

  A Dumb Plan is Better than No Plan at All

  Sadly, there were no night ... err ... daytime visitations. I had drifted off to sleep in the hope that perhaps Alex would mysteriously appear again and tell me that everything had been taken care of. No such luck. If I had fairy godparents, they sure as hell weren’t reliable.

  After rising, we all sat around the breakfast table – yay, more grubs – preparing. Ed and Sally double-checked their guns and pocketed some extra ammo.

  Feeling a bit of weapon-envy, I said to Tom, “We should ask Nergui if he has anymore spare daggers.”

  “Who’s this ‘we’ you’re talking about?” he replied. “I’m covered.”

  When I asked what the hell he meant, he pulled something out of his shirt. It was a wooden medallion of sorts.

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s an amulet,” he said. “Christy made it for me.”

  “+1 amulet of boners?” I asked with a smirk.

  “I don’t need any help for that. Nope, it’s a protection thing. Christy said it was a faith charm. She told me it channels my deepest beliefs to protect me. Check it out, but don’t touch it. Trust me on this.”

  I looked closer. It was roughly made, but upon closer inspection, I could see that there was a figure crudely carved into the center. It took me a few seconds to make out what it was supposed to be – Christy was obviously not a world-class whittler. Finally, I saw it: the plated face, the two big squares in the chest ... windows. “Is that...”

  “Optimus Prime is back, baby!” he proudly proclaimed. “Sorta. Obviously this one ain’t worth shit on eBay, but Christy said, thanks to her magic, it’ll draw upon the spirit of...”

  “Of your one true love?” Ed surmised. “No offense, dude, but goddamn, that is sad.”

  “But effective.”

  “And yet this girl willingly sleeps with you,” Ed said with a sigh. “Sometimes I have to wonder who’s really the one with the black magic.”

  “Fate smiles upon fools and small children,” I said. “I guess that goes double for a fool with the mind of a small child.”

  “Are you all done jerking off to that Happy Meal toy?” Sally asked, still polishing her massive handgun. “Because we should really discuss what’s happening today.”

  “I’m all ears,” I replied.

  “Not true,” she countered. “You’re dorky glasses and a flabby physique, too.” Bitch. “But that aside, let’s assume that shit is going down. I doubt the glowing moderator of death is going to let things immediately spiral out of hand due to one little slip-up. Still, it’s going to put Turd in a position to demand some reparation.”

  “What kind of reparation?” Ed asked, sounding a little tense.

  “He could very well demand your life,” she said to him. “But I don’t think that’s going to happen because...”

  “Because?” Ed prodded.

  “Because you’re nobody to him,” I finished for her. “Why bother to use an advantage when the best it’s going to get them is a few seconds of amusement wrenching your arms off?”

  “I’m so glad that would be amusing for them.”

  “Oh, it is,” said Sally. “Think of pulling the wings off a fly, except the fly can cry and scream obscenities while you’re doing it.”

  “Thanks for the unnecessary details,” he replied, deadpan.

  “No problem,” she said with her typical sauciness. Even in the worst of situations, Sally always got a chuckle out of making others uncomfortable. “Realistically, though, he’s probably going to use it in a way where he can gain the most advantage.”

  “So he’s going to demand my life?” I asked, trying real hard not to imagine being dismembered.

  She shook her head. “He could, but it wouldn’t be granted. I mean, it’s not like you killed his whole family and then skull-fucked his Grandma just for good measure. Besides, there’s no way even François can just hand you over on a platter. I doubt he'd even try with James around.”

  “You really should send that guy a gift basket when we get back,” Tom added.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “The most likely scenario,” Sally said, ignoring us, “is going to be a challenge.”

  “That ritual combat thing they mentioned?”

  “The same. I don’t know what kind of challenge he’ll make, but I wouldn’t doubt it’ll involve setting you up for an embarrassing ass-kicking in front of the crowd.”

  “Wonderful. Be sure to tape it. It’ll be a hit on YouTube.”

  “That’s where I’ll come in,” she continued. “Turd can challenge you, but you’ll be able to set the terms. Since it’s a fair bet none of François’s asshole buddies will step up to the plate for you, I will.”

  “Fuck that,” Ed replied. “We all
will.”

  “No,” she said, in a tone that suggested she wasn’t about to be argued with. “You won’t. Sorry to say, but neither of you will last three seconds in any sort of fight with these guys.”

  “But I have...” Tom started to say.

  “Yes, I know. You have your little Barbie dress-up jewelry there. The problem is we don’t even know if that shit works against the Feet. As for you, Ed, before you say anything, I will ask one question. Aside from bullshit stories, have you ever read a real news report about a hunter successfully shooting and killing one of these things?”

  He thought for a second. “No, I guess not.”

  “Exactly. Just because that popgun makes you feel all manly, don’t assume it’ll do any good against these monsters. That leaves me.”

  I stood to protest. “That doesn’t seem ri...”

  “Can the chivalry bullshit, Lancelot. It makes perfect sense. I’m older and I’ve been in a lot more fights than you. I can handle myself. Besides, look at me.”

  We did, which caused her to let out an exasperated sigh. “My face is up here, dipshits.”

  She let the warning hang in the air for a second before continuing. “Despite the fact that every single creature watching this circus knows that size and power don’t have anything to do with each other, they’re going to take one look at me and assume I’m the underdog. If I win, that’s great for us. If I lose, well, they’ll all be expecting it, so there won’t be any loss of face for our side.”

  “What about Nergui?” Ed asked. “Isn’t he supposed to be Bill’s bodyguard?”

  I nodded. “He did say Gan gave him specific instructions.”

  “That’s a possibility. But don’t be surprised if there’s some loophole thrown at us that disqualifies him. Like I said, they’re no doubt going to want to weaken our position. Fighting with your honor guard isn’t exactly going to do that.”

  As usual, Sally surprised me by thinking things through far better than I would have even considered. However, I did see one disturbing flaw in her logic.

  “What if it’s a fight to the death?” I asked.

  “I’m hoping it won’t be.”

  “But if it is?”

  “If it is, then I expect you ALL to run in and save my beautiful behind. Let’s not be stupid here.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  None of us liked the plan. However, I grudgingly had to admit it made sense. Even if I didn’t, Sally threatened to break all of our legs if we didn’t go along with it. So in the end, we decided to follow her lead.

  The matter settled, she excused herself to go grab a bite to eat, leaving my friends and me alone to finish getting ready. The three of us, even Tom, did so in relative silence. I think we were all rattled by how quickly things had taken a turn. Aside from a few minor bumps in the road, yesterday’s talks had been nothing. Out of nowhere, though, the rumor mill was aflutter that bad things awaited us. Goddamn, I hated finding myself the meat in a shit sandwich.

  Sally returned shortly thereafter, once more looking sated. Despite the fact that I wasn’t too big on the concept of her feeding off the living, for once I didn’t begrudge her the fact.

  Unsurprisingly, Nergui was waiting for us outside our hut. I nodded to him and he fell into step alongside us. We began walking toward the proceedings and whatever cruel fate awaited us there.

  Nearing the trail that led to the conference arena, as I was sure it would soon be, I saw James and his contingent waiting for us. To say he looked a little agitated would be an understatement. Can’t say I blamed him. Regardless, I was glad to see him. His knowledge of these creatures far exceeded mine. Maybe he knew something that could calm the situation down. With Alex nowhere to be found, he was by far my best bet.

  Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be. Before James could even ask me what was going on, François swept in from our flank and stepped in front of him.

  “There you are, Freewill,” he said in that douchey voice of his. “There’s no time to waste. Come along.”

  “Whoa, hold on a second,” I protested as he grabbed my arm and started pulling me up the trail.

  “No time for that. You’re late and our hosts are quite perturbed.”

  James caught up and moved to cut him off. “I’m afraid I must concur with Dr. Death. I had hoped to have a minute to speak with him.”

  François narrowed his eyes at him. “You do not have a minute. In the future, I’d suggest you plan your little dalliances in advance.”

  James, however, refused to give way. “I’m afraid I must insist.”

  “You will insist nothing,” François hissed. “Or need I remind you that you are only here at my tolerance?”

  James looked ticked off. I started wondering if we were about to see a heavyweight throw-down. That would look bad for our cause, but who gives a fuck? I’d pay good money to watch two elder vampires go toe to toe. Dragonball Z, eat your heart out.

  Alas, it wasn’t to be. Just when the tension appeared to reach a zenith, James stepped aside. “You are of course correct, François, and I appreciate your hospitality.”

  “Anything for a dear old friend,” he spat and started dragging me again.

  Not good. I had the distinct feeling that François was railroading me. Whatever was going to happen, he was in favor of it and wasn’t about to let me get any sort of edge that talking to James might provide.

  I tried to think of something. What could I do? I looked down at my empty hands and a thought hit me. Of course! It was lame, but it might work. I dug my heels into the ground. “Wait!”

  “What now?” François asked.

  “I need to run back real quick.”

  “You should have done that before you left.”

  “Not that. I forgot my drink.”

  François stopped and turned, a look of piteous contempt on his face. “Your drink?”

  “Yeah. I left it back in the hut. I’m kinda parched, so if you don’t mind...”

  “I do mind.” He looked between James and me for a moment, then grinned. “James, do be a friend and make yourself useful. You wouldn’t want your precious Freewill to face the trials of the day with a dry throat, would you?”

  James looked like he was about to answer with something pithy, but then he simply nodded.

  Oh well, it was a long shot anyway. Not wanting to give up the obvious ruse, I said, “There’s a bottle on the table with my name on it. Fill it with AB negative, if you don’t mind. That’s my favorite.”

  James smiled in response. “Of course. I live to serve.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Oh, yeah, shit was definitely going down. I could tell that much the second I stepped through the ... err, anti-noise barrier, or whatever the fuck it was. Whereas yesterday wasn’t exactly quiet, today was like stepping into a wrestling arena. The noise was almost too loud to be able to think over. The volume was only part of the problem, though. Its tone was what mostly bothered me. I couldn’t understand all of what was being yelled, hooted, or wheezed, but a lot of it sounded angry.

  As if in confirmation of this, the Sasquatches that had been stationed along the perimeter yesterday were dispersed amongst the spectators. To me, it looked like many of the factions were only a few choice words away from mixing things up with each other.