Uncle Shawn and Bill and the Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual Adventure

by A. L. Kennedy

  “I know!” said Guinevere. “We could get a helicopter and fly over the walls, and we could jump out wearing dark pullovers and hats and then rescue everyone.”

  Bill put his paws over his ears in frustration. “We don’t know how to fly a helicopter – and we don’t have one! We don’t even have pullovers and … and … poor Uncle Shawn is in that nasty place and IT’S HORRIBLE AND I MISS HIM.”

  After that, Bill and the llamas just sat and felt sad and lonely.

  And then a voice that didn’t seem to belong to anyone said, “I’m hungry.” And a scone lifted off the scone dish, floated in mid-air and was slowly eaten by an invisible mouth.

  Bill and Carlos and Guinivere were very scared by this, and yelled, “EMERGENCIA!” But Ginalolobrigida just said to a patch of air, “Oh, you’ve taken off your make-up. A lady is invisible without the proper make-up.”

  Brian – which surprised everyone – wasn’t scared even a bit. He just said, “That’s who tickles my ears and strokes my nose when I’m scared at night. She keeps the swamp monsters and the giant hungry owls away. She leans her head against my tummy where the fur is very soft and takes naps.”

  “Good heavens,” said everyone except Ginalolobrigida, who explained, “This is a young invisible human girl called Linvizzygirl.”

  Just then there was a loud thumping at the door.

  “Aaahhh! Emergencia!” said Brian. “They’ve come back to take us away for being Unusual!”

  But when Bill went and opened the door with shaking paws, there stood the Tweed-Faced Boy.

  “I heard cries for help! I will rescue you!”

  Bill sighed. “It’s not us who needs rescuing – it’s Uncle Shawn.”

  “Is he a damsel?”

  “He’s an uncle.”

  Bill took the Tweed-Faced Boy back to the kitchen, where Linvizzygirl had eaten another two scones and an apple.

  “He’s been taken by Doctor P’Klawz,” explained Bill.

  “Yes, and that’s not something that should happen to anyone,” said the Tweed-Faced Boy, looking a bit smaller and worried but also cross. “I’ve been an inmate in one of his Institutions and they’re terrible. Anything to do with P’Klawz is always terrible. I have sworn my revenge on him. And you should never have let your friend go and see him, not even for a visit, never mind letting P’Klawz lock him away.” He shook his sword, but the bootlace came loose and it turned back into two sticks.

  “If you managed to get away from an Institution… Could you manage to get into one?” asked Bill, his ears at an excited angle.

  “It would be very hard…” The Tweed-Faced Boy scratched his newspaper hat sadly.

  By now, Claude was so enthusiastic that he quickly spelled out, in spider silk:

  Let us help too, please.

  He was a very polite spider.

  Bill noticed the spider writing and said, “Hello?”

  Claude bounced down on his thread and smiled as much as spiders can – which isn’t much. (This made Brian squeal.) And then Claude wrote out – quite slowly:

  The World Association of Spiders (Pandrumdroochit Branch)

  will help you.

  Because P’Klawz drove spiders from all the corners of all his rooms and squashed them whenever he could, spiders everywhere did not like him.

  Everyone tried to be pleased about Claude’s offer of help, but also felt a bit shivery, because spiders can seem scary.

  “I like spiders, though,” said Carlos.

  “All right, then,” said Bill. “Let’s make a plan. Claude – you can write it down in spider-web.”

  Linvizzygirl tickled Brian’s ears and made him grin and then everyone made a wonderful plan together. Or most of one.

  SECTION SIXTEEN

  In which there is a lunchtime with no lunch in it, which is always very sad. There are some googly eyes and some rudeness. And there is some Lovely Unusualness! Uncle Shawn’s plan is beginning to work…

  By lunchtime at the Institution for Maximum Security and Unusualness Curing, Uncle Shawn and the inmates were really hungry. Dancing had kept them warm, but it had used up lots of their strength. Hani and Angus and Hughie and the other inmates were flopped on the floor in a heap because they were so tired.

  “Not long now,” Uncle Shawn told them. “Soon my plan will meet in the middle with my friends’ plan and then… Everything will be wonderful. Or really scary. Or both.”

  Doctor P’Klawz had ordered the grey guards to turn off even the tiny bit of heating that kept the insides of the windows from freezing up. The room was now so cold that you could see your breath in big, miserable clouds.

  Uncle Shawn said, “If it’s so cold, let’s make a pretend igloo.”

  So the inmates piled up the thin, mean mattresses and made them into one big warm platform they could sit on, and then they huddled up together under the blankets in their make-believe igloo.

  Then Uncle Shawn said, “You are all here for being Unusual, aren’t you?”

  The inmates nodded their heads as if this was terrible news.

  Uncle Shawn’s blue eyes sparkled. “Then you must be very good at being Unusual. Why don’t you try some Unusualness to keep you warm?”

  “It’s been too long since we did anything but copy out leaflets and eat grey porridge and do what we’re told,” said a very small, tired inmate called Kemal.

  “Well then allow me to demonstrate,” said Uncle Shawn. And even though he was tired and cold and hungry, he ruffled up his hair so that it wriggled and jiggled in an Unusual way. He clucked like a chicken and made a face like a goat and made his big blue eyes go googly. The inmates started to giggle. Then he sang in an Unusual voice, “Oooh-HUHOO-boiOIOIng,” and wibbled his knees.

  Soon all the inmates were laughing and hooting and singing their own silly songs.

  “Yoogah yoogah yoogah. SPLAH!”

  And also:

  “We hate P’Klawz

  And the locks on his doors.

  His hair is fake

  Like the icing on a cake!”

  Hughie got up and walked like a spaceman and made spaceman sounds: “Skshshshsh… Woopwoopwoop.” And he described a spaceman exploring while the inmates cheered. “I am exploring… I am exploring…. Skshshshsh…. And I have discovered … Doctor P’Klawz has a silly bottom!”

  The walls and floors of the Institution were so flimsy that all of the other inmates locked in their dormitories could hear people being rude about P’Klawz and having fun, so they started to join in.

  Uncle Shawn held competitions to see who was best at not laughing. Pairs of inmates stared and stared and stared at each other until it was impossible not to giggle. (You can try this game yourself. Even if you look at your own face in a mirror, after a while, you will find that your Unusualness will make you laugh.)

  Upstairs in his office, Dr P’Klawz now had two towels wrapped around his head. His shins were itching, so he had taken off his socks and rolled up his trousers. This meant that Henry Witherbottom, the guard, had to look at P’Klawz’s bony white ankles and hairy white shins.

  “Can I get you a nice cup of tea?” asked Henry, who was trying not to snigger at P’Klawz’s shins.

  “Just make it stop! The whole building is full of Unusual happiness and happy Unusualness! It is making my teeth rattle.” Doctor P’Klawz’s teeth did look like bits of very angry bath, and sounded like a train being sandpapered. “SKREEEE-eeeee-EEEEE. Go and dig a big hole in the Institution grounds and then make Uncle Shawn stand in it and put a lid over the top. Don’t let him out until he stops being Unusual and happy!”

  “Oh no…” said Henry. “That would be horrible.”

  “Then tie him up with rope until only his nose is showing and he can’t dance!” yelled P’Klawz. He tried twirling his shiny watch, but his hands were shaking so much that it just wobbled.

  Henry folded his arms and said, “That’s even worse. And anyway, we used up all the rope in the guards’ skipping competition…�
�� He said the last bit quietly because the guards hadn’t asked permission to skip. But Henry was remembering how much he liked fun.

  “Idiot!” shouted P’Klawz and he was about to be even more rude to Henry when the bell sounded from the Institution gates.

  “Shall I go and see who that is?” asked Henry.

  “No! I will go,” said P’Klawz, pulling the towels from around his head, even though this made his brain hurt a lot more. (It also revealed that his Hair In A Tin had almost completely gone. The top of his head looked like a streaky, dirty egg.) “Tell all the guards to shout at the inmates and remove their blankets.”

  Henry thought this was a really nasty idea. And, with the Institution filling up with happiness and Unusualness, he decided he might forget all about it…

  P’Klawz straightened his white suit – which was spattered with Hair In A Tin – and made his face look as trustworthy and kind as possible. His teeth kept on grinding and rattling and grating – skreeeee-reee-EEEE-eeee – while he tried to smile.This looked so horrible that bits of paint fell off the walls as he passed by.

  And – oh goodness me, no! – as P’Klawz walked through the Institution, he spoke to his two favourite guards who were called 5557 and 5555, because they thought names were Too Unusual and they preferred numbers. They liked P’Klawz’s nastiness, because it made their own nastiness even nastier.

  P’Klawz told 5557 and 5555 to go and take Uncle Shaw to the Squishing Room in the basement!

  And once he was there … they should squish him at once until all his Unusualness was gone!!!

  Oh no! What will we do now? EMERGENCIA!!!!!

  SECTION SEVENTEEN

  In which while we are worrying about Uncle Shawn, there is an unexpected big bottom and an excellent disguise. Brian Llama is Unusually Brave. And a cloud appears – an Unusual cloud. Badger Bill’s plan is beginning to work…

  When Dr P’Klawz reached the Insitution gates, he saw a perfectly normal grown-up standing beside a small boy wearing a tweed mask. That was just the kind of Unusualness that should be handed over to his Institution. P’Klawz smiled like a white tiger hiding in rice pudding.

  In fact, the two people at the gate were the Tweed-Faced Boy and Brian Llama. Brian was terrified and his knees were shaking – but they were hidden inside trousers just now, because he was in disguise.

  Brian did not look like Brian at all. Ginalolobrigida – an expert in all beauty techniques – had plaited Brian’s long and thick llama fur into big pigtails. These were shoved inside the sleeves of one of Uncle Shawn’s jackets to look like arms and had gloves attached to look like hands – especially if you had a terrible headache, which P’Klawz did. Brian was also wearing a wide hat he’d borrowed from Bill and he had put Uncle Shawn’s trousers on his front legs. As long as you only looked at him from the front, he seemed to be a human person with thin, wibbly arms and a very long nose.

  “Yes, may I help you? Skreeee – I beg your pardon. I mean, I am the famous Doctor P’ – skreee – Klawz.”

  Brian was an expert in all kinds of being worried, so he was very convincing when he said, “Ah, Doctor Pickles. I am really, really worried!”

  “P’Klawz!”

  “Bless you. I am sooo worried. I am … um … Mr Smith and this small boy person is Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual. He is maybe as dangerous as – ” Brian had to swallow hard and cough before he managed to say – “a swamp monster… I would like him to be – please and thank you – locked up at once.”

  At this point, the Tweed-Faced Boy said, “Oingy-boingy boo. I am sooo Unusual!” And then he wriggled his fingers as Unusually as he could.

  Dr P’Klawz studied the Tweed-Faced Boy. “A very serious case and definitely infectious, too. Has he licked or bitten you, Mr Smith?”

  Brian forgot he was meant to be called Mr Smith and so he didn’t answer. The Tweed-Faced Boy had to stamp on the slippers Ginalolobrigida had tied to Brian’s hooves. “Ah. Yes. I am Mr Smith. No. I have not been litten or bicked.”

  “Good. Then I will lock him up tight and squish the Unusualness right out of him until he is miserable all over… I mean, I will make him better.” P’Klawz studied Brian’s knocking knees – hidden inside Uncle Shawn’s trousers. And then P’Klawz studied Brian’s really very llama-looking face, hidden under the shadow of his hat. “Mr Smith, you have an Unusually Long nose…”

  “This nose runs in my family,” said Brian. And then – being extra brave and clever – he said, “And you, Mr Doctor P’Klawz, sir, have an Unusually Stripy, Drippy-looking face. Is that hair paint?”

  Dr P’Klawz rubbed at his face with his perfectly white sleeve – which made the sleeve dirty. His head ached, his teeth were skreeing, his shins were itching, the inmates were laughing and singing. And Uncle Shawn… As soon as he even thought of Uncle Shawn… SKREEEEEEE… Unusually, gargantunormously happy Uncle Shawn… SKREEEEEEE… Uncle Shawn who was Pajimminy-Crimminy Unusual!

  SKREEEEEEE!!!

  P’Klawz had expected Uncle Shawn to be sadder than anyone had ever been when he was locked up, because he was happier than anyone else had ever been when he wasn’t locked up. But Uncle Shawn, of course, had spent years practising how to stay happy and was very good at it. And he was Unusual without even trying. And now he was making the whole Institution more Unusually Happy.

  “Perhaps you should come inside – skreeeeeeeeee – and we can sign all the necessary paperwork. Then I will pop this boy into a nice warm dungeon – I mean, a bedroom with lots of toys and games to make him better.” P’Klawz winced and felt woozy.

  (He felt woozy, because at that moment Uncle Shawn was being Especially Gargantunormously Unusual by hopping backwards and whistling the Swedish national anthem.)

  “Yes, please!” said Brian. “I would love to come inside.”

  Brian would much rather have been hiding under a coverlet, but he knew that he had to help Uncle Shawn, so he went inside the gates, being always careful to let P’Klawz see his front view. If P’Klawz ever saw his furry big llama bottom and extra set of legs, he would know Brian wasn’t a human person. Human people may have big bottoms, but those bottoms are never covered in chocolate-coloured fur.

  Uncle Shawn looked out of the rattly old dormitory window and grinned and grinned. He watched P’Klawz walking across the exercise yard with a small boy wearing a tweed mask and a human person (with Brian’s bottom attached) in one of Bill’s hats. He grinned and grinned and grinned.

  This grin was big enough, all by itself, to give P’Klawz a stabbing ache in his huge, shiny teeth.

  And Uncle Shawn could also see a big black cloud on the horizon, a very low and somehow Unusual cloud… A cloud with llama ears…

  Seeing the cloud made him grin even more.

  SECTION EIGHTEEN

  In which we get a visit from a famous llama film star. There is a very good impression of a squid by someone called Alice. And both halves of the plan are working…

  As P’Klawz led Brian and the Tweed-Faced Boy away, the two grey guards on duty at the gate were just wondering whether they should lock it, even though P’Klawz hadn’t told them to, when two glamorous ladies appeared. One of them was holding a small girl by the hand and the other had a stripy, Unusually Grumpy dog on a leash.

  “Hello, you most handsome gentlemen in uniform,” said the first lady. “I am Ginalolobrigida Magnifica, the famous Peruvian film star. I am sure you have heard of me.” She fluttered her eyelashes which were so long and thick that this caused quite a draught. The taller guard – who was called Peter – sneezed.

  As you may have guessed – because you are very clever – this was not a famous film star but Ginalolobrigida Llama wearing some curtains and another of Bill’s hats. Guinevere was also dressed in flowery curtains and – like Brian and Ginalolobrigida – she looked like a human person if you only saw her from the front, with her plaited fur arms, wrapped in curtain-material sleeves, and dainty human shoes painted on her hooves.

  Bet
ween them was Linvizzygirl, her invisible face painted all over with make-up. This made her look like a usual kind of girl.

  Guinevere announced, “I am the assistant of Miss Magnifica and am equally attractive, but I just didn’t feel like being a film star. I am above such things and have a degree in physics.”

  “Get on with it,” said Ginalolobrigida.

  Guinevere said, “We have come with Miss Magnifica’s incredibly normal and usual niece to see your Institution. And I have brought my dog. Who is completely usual.”

  “Woof,” said her dog.

  “He is a Lithuanian Badger Spaniel. They are very rare. And stripy. And fat,” explained Ginalolobrigida.

  “Woof,” said her dog, again. (He was, of course, Badger Bill, walking on all fours and pretending he couldn’t speak, even though he wanted to say, “I am not fat. I am just the right size for a healthy young badger. And why have I got the most horrible disguise?”)

  Peter and the other grey guard, Hamish, didn’t look closely at the two glamorous ladies, because their mothers had taught them it was rude to stare. And the guards didn’t pay any attention to the little girl, who was all dressed up in a big cardigan and had pink gloves over her invisible hands and brown tights covering her invisible legs. Here and there, where her make-up had rubbed off, there seemed to be no girl at all, but the guards didn’t notice because Guinevere and Ginalolobrigida were keeping them busy with compliments.

  “You look so handsome in your cap.”

  “Are there any Unusual babies? A guard would have to be extremely courageous to deal with an Unusual baby.”

  “Your boots make you look very intelligent.”

  And so the guards walked them around the Institution grounds, never looking at the llamas from the side and never casting a glance at the little girl covered in make-up or the stripy dog.