Hell on Earth

by Bernard Lee DeLeo

  “I can’t argue with you about that. I know where a certain clandestine section of government will be seeking civilian help if you’re in with me. Let’s face it. The firm you work for will be negotiating with us for services just like now. Your firm constantly gets themselves into trouble with their bond department. They treat it like an oddity they have to put up with. It’s not. With better screening coupled with reputation, we would spend very little time chasing down skips. Me and Tommy make a lot of money off skips from numerous bond operations that don’t even have a law department. We don’t do a lot of detective work but we could.”

  “Yeah, you as Phillip Marlowe – I don’t think so.”

  “I can be subtle.”

  “You’re about as subtle as a hand grenade.”

  “That hurt, Tess.” She’s giggling knowing how hurt I am. “I meant sometimes it’s how you ask the questions that get results.”

  “See! I knew it. Leg breaking is not subtle, John.”

  “I wasn’t referring to violence. Look. Me and Tommy know the Bay Area underbelly better than anyone. In the past, we’ve known where to find a skip before you even asked us to take a contract on them. I’ve always brought the skip in without much damage too. You already know I have language skills. Our chances are good at a very lucrative tourist escort service in addition to bond enforcement.”

  Tess turned onto my street and parked in front. Deserted and quiet for a change, I didn’t see any welcoming committees in the neighborhood. She looked over at me, hair partially covering her face in a very enticing pose. I noticed her skirt inching up as she turned. A moment later my blood’s pumping south. I do like redheads, especially this particularly duplicitous one next to me. She strokes her hand over my thigh, generating enough heat under her touch to raise the temp in the car a couple degrees.

  “I might be lured into this business proposition depending on the perks.”

  “I’m willing to negotiate.”

  She pats my leg and straightens. “Good. I’ll pick you up at 10:30. Nighty-night.”

  Next thing I know I’m standing on the sidewalk with my equipment Denny left in Tess’s trunk wondering what happened to the negotiations. My house is in one piece so I take a long hot shower, pop a few Ibuprofen, and hit the sack. My last thought before sleep is if someone wanted me dead this would be the best shot they’re likely to have. What a night.

  I smell coffee with anticipation before leaping out of bed in full defensive mode. I check over the equipment Government Inc. left with me I didn’t have time to stow. Then it hits me. My houseguest Jafar made the coffee. It’s a quarter to ten. A long sleep in for me. I take stock of the damage Rankin did. I’m black and blue up both sides of my rib cage. The back of my head’s throbbing at the spot Rankin bounced me during the takedown. Other than that, I’m peachy. I keep the extra special James Bond type cell-phone out on the bed. The other equipment I put in my safe. Minutes later, dressed in t-shirt and jeans, it’s time to reconnoiter my kitchen.

  Tess is standing at my kitchen counter wearing only sheer tan stockings, black thong, push up black bra, and black high heels. Oh my God, she looked good. She glanced over her shoulder at me real innocent like.

  “It looks like you decided to go commando,” Tess joked, staring at the front of my pants.

  “I didn’t think I would be having special company other than Jafar. First question – where is he? Second question – how’d you get in here? Third – what the hell are you tryin’ to do to me?” I readjusted myself as I sat down at the kitchen table. Tess laughs her butt off at my questions. “Are you making some kind of statement?”

  “Sort of. I wanted to try on mysterious for a change.” Tess walked over with my coffee. She put the full cup and saucer on the table in front of me by leaning over my shoulder. After setting the cup down, Tess worked her hands over my shoulders. “You’re so tense. Am I bothering you?”

  “You know what you’re doin’. We have a brunch date with Tommy. Remember? Go on. Sit down and drink your coffee, Tess.”

  “Playing hard to get?” Tess returned to the counter for her coffee cup and saucer.

  “I’m not playing.” She has me. I don’t get surprised often. I’m surprised.

  Tess sat down across from me with a sigh. “I came over at nine-thirty. Jafar was on his way out to meet his Mom. Anisa told me she’s very happy with Jafar moving in with you. He almost refused to allow me in to wait for you without checking first.”

  Jafar climbs a couple of rungs on my trust meter. He’d be near the top if Tess had gotten booted to the curb while he woke me up. I’ll talk to him about it. “He was following orders.”

  “I figured as much. Anyway, he let me in and I decided to make you coffee.” Tess traces her finger over my forearm while cocking her head to the side. “How’d I do in the surprise department?”

  “Five by five.”

  “I’ve decided to take you up on your business proposition.”

  “And the perks?”

  “I’ll draw up a partnership agreement for you and Tommy to look over.”

  “Is that your negotiating outfit? It’s very effective.”

  “Are the negotiations starting?”

  C’mon Harding, you’ve seen scantily clad beautiful redheads sitting across from you at the breakfast table many times before. Yeah… right. This thing with Tess is bad business. She knows it. I know it. So, how come I’m shoving back out of my chair? Shit! “We don’t have much negotiating time.”

  Tess meets me half way around the table. Her breath catches when I snatch her up in my arms like a child and head for the bedroom. “We can… cover some… some of the high points.”

  We did cover a few.

  * * *

  Tommy looks up from his paper when Tess and I walk into the Buttercup. One short glance at us, he starts laughing. I try giving him my killer clown stare but that only makes him laugh harder. My friend Tommy makes leaps in judgment for a living. He prides himself on being accurate in his assessments ninety-five percent of the time. The prick.

  “Is he laughing at us?” Tess’s mouth forms into a thin line of ill will.

  “Best to ignore him when he gets like this.”

  Tommy leaps out of his chair holding the one next to him out for Tess to sit down in. Tess tries a brief stare down with him but gives it up when Tommy shuns her with his left hand spread next to his face while still cackling away. Tess sighs and sits down. I take the chair opposite the joker.

  “Sorry we’re late, T. I slept in until ten. If Tess hadn’t come over and made coffee I’d still be in bed.” Tommy assumes his interested professorial persona with a concerned nod of his head. He’s eating this up. If he wasn’t like my own damn flesh and blood brother I’d break one of his fingers. Tess surprises me for a second time.

  “Okay, Sands, I drove over to Harding’s house, made coffee, stripped and then seduced him. Happy now?”

  Tommy patted her hand. “That’s my girl. You two have made my morning. Anyway, I was just reading the paper while sipping my latte. I bet you two worked up an appetite.”

  “Don’t push your luck, T.”

  Tommy chuckles and gestures at the matronly dark skinned woman approaching with a huge smile on her face. “Debbie told me our meal’s on the house, John. It seems our favorite waitress won a grand last night on the fight.”

  “John Harding!” Debbie gives me a big hug. “That was one nasty mess last night.”

  “You were there, Deb?”

  “I got there about the time old man Korlos showed that Russian Sasquatch his sap. I’d already bet a few hundred on you. It was all I could do to go in and watch the fight. I nearly had a stroke when he charged you.” Debbie laughs, head shaking at her recollection. She hands us each a menu. “Good Lord almighty but you busted him up on that one.”

  “Rankin’s strategy was flawed.”

  “Yeah it was! Hi Tess. I saw you over there last night. Want some coffee?”

  “Co
uld I have some decaf tea this morning, Deb? Tommy’s annoying me and I need to stay calm.”

  “How about you, champ?” Debbie looks at me while swatting Tommy’s shoulder.

  “Coffee for me.”

  “No need to get physical, Mrs.” Tommy rubs his shoulder with comedic perfection.

  “You behave, T. I’ll bring the drinks while you decide on your orders.”

  After Debbie walked away, Tommy got down to business. “Word’s out our fight promoters tried to put the fix in for a rematch between you and Rankin. I’m hearing the usual garble about raids and pickup fights being a threat to the citizenry… bad for Oakland’s image… attracts the criminal element… blah… blah… blah.”

  “Oakland has an image?”

  “You don’t sound too surprised, my brother. Do you know something I don’t?”

  “The Russians tried to muscle John last night at the Warehouse Bar, Tommy.”

  “Oh my, I knew I should have come along with you. You’re still alive so I’m thinking the Cold War might be starting back up.” Tommy holds up a hand, silently gesturing for a moment to come up with his own discernments. Debbie serves our coffee and tea. She takes the menus out of our hands.

  “Rye toast, corn flakes, orange juice,” Debbie says pointing at me. “Mushroom omelet with cheddar for you Tess. Bacon, eggs over easy, biscuits, and hash browns for the annoying cholesterol machine, right?”

  “Damn woman, you could at least let us say it.”

  “Right, T?” Debbie repeats.

  “Whatever… I’m thinking of taking my business elsewhere.”

  “Oh wahhhhh. How about you two?”

  “Right as rain with me, Deb. Make it a big orange juice.”

  “I’ve never even ordered a mushroom omelet before. Now I can’t think of anything else. Are you glamoring me, Deb?”

  Debbie laughs. “I’m hooked on that damn ‘True Blood’ vamp show too. I’ll be back shortly with the food.”

  Tommy leans over the table conspiratorially. “The Russians are bucking Bonasera and Alexander out of the back alley fight game. They had the same lame idea involving you taking a dive. You explained in your usual lighthearted manner about us not doing that type of work. How many casualties?”

  “Two, but they were still breathing. The Russian calling the shots was a guy named Alexi Fiialkov. He’s a snake, T. Whether he takes no for an answer remains to be seen. He told me to take a break just like Bonasera and Alexander did. My buddy Alexi also warned me I probably won’t be allowed to fight in the area anymore.”

  “We need a few months off from the fight game anyway, John. After what you did to Rankin we’ll have to give at least three to one odds. Next time we agree to a fight I’ll get us a big sum up front. The Russians will come around. You’re the best draw in the area because even when people think you’ll win they bet against you. It’s weird.”

  “Hey, the OPD and waitresses all like me.”

  “That won’t do you any good with the city council, not to mention the Mercedes and BMW crowd. Jesse told me last night his money backer bets big against you every time you fight. Like I said, we’ll need our money up front.”

  “I believe you’re wrong about the Russian mob, Tommy,” Tess inserts. “What the hell makes you think they’ll come around?”

  Debbie brought over our food. We lapsed into silence while we ate. Tommy shovels some food in before answering Tess.

  “It’s like this, Tess. If John wants to fight, he’ll fight. Hell, none of the fighters want to get busted up for a few hundred bucks a fight. The big money comes to watch because there’s always a chance someone might die with guys like Rankin and John mixing it up. You can bet Alexander and his sock puppet Bonasera made a lot of money sponsoring that gig last night. They get a cut of every bet made plus a nice fee from the sadists demanding to stand right next to the mat for the close up carnage.”

  “In other words you two dopes will take on the Russian mob so Hard-head can get his skull cracked? Shrewd.”

  Tommy drops his happy go lucky attitude. “I know John. He gets ideas in his head sometimes I can’t counter. I back his play if he lets me or I go home and play with my kids. I’m not his Mommy.”

  I take a stab at getting us on track talking about my new business enterprise. I know Tommy’s on board. “Relax Tess. This fight game stuff will blow over. We’re here to let Tommy know you’re interested in a partnership.”

  “Tommy reminded me of why I have so many doubts about partnering with you. What happens when the back alley fight game lets you back in and some guy like Rankin separates your brain from your skull, genius?”

  Uh oh, Tess’s recollection of this morning’s negotiations is slipping away. “I will set up this new enterprise so it will function as well without me as with me.”

  Her look softens a little as I look earnestly at her. She must see a reflection of this morning in my eyes because she blushes. Tess shifts her attention to Tommy. “I’d like in on this if you really think we can make this work.”

  “We can make it work real well, Slinky, but as you’ve pointed out it would be better if we can keep John alive. He’s shoring up some of the holes in our business plan with Devon Constantine. That kid he introduced me to last night at his house looks promising too. It won’t hurt to take this operation for a test drive with John’s new government sponsored bodyguard gig. Your firm’s still fronting the operation I take it?”

  “My firm will work as a liaison in it. From what I’ve learned firsthand in observing John and his buddy you met last night it won’t be much of either an advisory or supervisory roll. It will be a perfect test drive as you say, because other than working the law angle I don’t expect to have much input in anything else concerning our new enterprise. In this venture John’s risking his upfront money and I’m risking my livelihood. John trusts you and so do I. I’m well aware of your business sense. Will a handshake do for now, partner?”

  Tommy shook Tess’s outstretched hand with a nod and a big grin. “I expect by the time we get done with the test drive you’ll have something more official created for us to sign?”

  “You better believe it.”

  Tommy turned to me. “Now that we have the preliminaries out of the way, what kind of trouble are the Russians going to give us?”

  “I plan on staying out of the Russians’ way for the time being unless I spot a shadow. Our government client will be more than a little upset if I have the Russian mob on my tail. It’s anybody’s guess whether my pal Alexi and me have an understanding for real.”

  “I knew when Rankin showed up on the scene the mob wouldn’t be far behind. I know you can take care of yourself but the Russians have a rep for collateral damage.”

  “I hear you, T. We’ll stay far away from the fight game. If they get cute I will teach them what collateral damage really means. Anyway, I needed you to know about last night so you can keep your eyes open.”

  Tommy stood up. “Always. Have a nice Saturday, my friends. Call me when you get word from Government Inc. I’m going home and kick back with the family. You need any cash, John?”

  “I’m good. When you’re done collecting bank my cut.”

  “Will do. Bye Slinky.” Tommy walked away with a wave at Debbie.

  Chapter Eight

  YouTube

  Tess smiled at me. “What do you have planned for the remainder of the day?”

  “Negotiations if you’re still in a bargaining mood.”

  Much later after we broke off contract talks Tess and I sat outside on my front step sipping coffee, enjoying the sunny autumn afternoon. To say it had been a lovely interchange would be an understatement of epic proportions. I’m a natural born pessimist so waiting for the other shoe to drop like it did the first time Tess and I tangled romantically is the natural order of things. She didn’t disappoint me.

  “I need your help, John.”

  “You didn’t have to sleep with me to get it.”

  She l
aughed. I thought that was a good sign.

  “I started coming to your fights again because I was working up the nerve to ask you for a favor. Then Government Inc. as Tommy calls it ensnared me in their roundabout plan. When you took offense to my meddling and naive adventurism, I lost my shot at talking to you about a problem my… Jesus! I’m such a hypocrite!”

  Tess looks away from me grasping for words to go on - no way I’m helping her out with this word puzzle. She’s piqued my curiosity as to what the hell she’s talking about but I’m not keen on guessing games. Since I don’t have much in common with Tess anyway, I figure this hypocrite statement refers to her disavowing my violent tendencies and suddenly finding herself in need of them. Hell, I’m relieved. At least she’s not talking about dumping me again like a used condom. Still avoiding any direct eye to eye contact Tess starts again.

  “I have an older sister Lora. She was the main reason I settled out here on the West Coast. My Mom lives with her. Lora’s eight year old daughter Alice is a sweet kid. A couple months ago Alice started having trouble with another girl who lives half a block down the street. They attend the same grammar school. Lora started noticing my niece acting weird – screaming in the middle of the night, sleep walking, and fear of things she was never afraid of before. Alice admitted the girl down the street had started telling her she was going to kill Alice. My Mom’s freaking out. At first-”

  I wave my hand in front of her as the Twilight Zone music starts up in my head. “Hold on, Tess. One eight year old little girl is making death threats to another little girl? Russian mobsters I can help you with. My expertise with childhood consisted of my old man beatin’ the crap out of me until I turned fourteen. I’m sure your sister has tried all the usual steps – call the parents, call the teacher, call the police? I’m sure you’re not nudging me into whacking the little girl so what can I do?”

  “I’m so tired of listening to my sister’s whiney-ass voice I’m about ready to kill the girl and her whole family. Lora thinks I can somehow sue these people into making their eight year old behave. My Mom can’t understand why I haven’t already taken care of everything.”