Aliens in Disguise

by Clete Barrett Smith

  “Stop it!” he cried. “That tickles!”

  Tisdall arched one eyebrow and looked at the crowd. “Your costume is ticklish? How’s that work?”

  He let go of the Blob and pointed at one of the little girl aliens. “And just what is going on over there?”

  All eyes turned toward her. She had kept one of the hula hoops, but instead of swiveling her hips to rotate it around her body, human-style, she was using a different technique. Her feet and head remained stationary while her entire torso spun around and around in complete circles, keeping the hoop aloft.

  I had no idea she could do that. I gave her a few quick head shakes that I hoped no one else noticed.

  The girl alien winced sheepishly and quit moving. The hula hoop clattered to her feet.

  But she had stopped with her torso facing the wrong way, her arms sticking out behind her where her back should be. I caught her eye and made a little spinning motion with my index finger, and she slowly rotated her body back into position.

  Tisdall just shook his head and took a long look at the rest of the aliens, inviting the townsfolk to do the same. “These are some mighty realistic costumes, all right; almost like something from a big-time Hollywood movie.” He faced me again, but his words were clearly still meant for the crowd. “Seems like you have quite the impressive budget for your little commercial here. Guess you must be charging a pretty penny for your rooms. Is that the reason why I’ve heard it’s so hard to get a reservation up there? Or is something else going on?”

  The expressions on the people around us clouded a bit. They hadn’t turned against us yet, not by a long shot, but you could tell that Tisdall was giving them something to think about.

  Time to get out. Now. “Sorry again about the flowers, Mrs. Mayor. We need to be getting back.” I tried to usher out the aliens, but Tisdall stepped forward and placed his hand against my chest to stop me.

  “After all the money you spent, you must be pretty proud of these costumes here.” He gestured toward Mrs. Crowzen, who suddenly looked very afraid. “I’m sure you wouldn’t mind if we inspect them a little more closely, see just how you pulled this off.”

  He took a step toward Mrs. Crowzen. She shrank back a bit, but was already pressed up against the wall of people. There was nowhere for her to go. Tisdall reached out his hand to grab at her.

  Oh, no. No, no, no.

  “Let’s just see if we can’t lift one of these shells off and check what’s under—”

  “Wait a minute!” a voice cried.

  A couple pushed their way through the crowd and into the little clearing. They were wearing silvery jumpsuits. The tall one had yellow skin, spiky hair, and an enormous nose. The little one had more of an orangey tint and a beehive hairdo that reached for the stars.

  “So sorry we’re late,” the female said.

  “And just who—or what—are you supposed to be?” Tisdall glowered at the newcomers.

  “Well, I thought that was pretty obvious, especially for you.” The little one spread out her arms to indicate her outlandish costume. “We’re aliens from outer space, of course. Just like all of these creatures. Looks like you really blew this case wide open, officer.”

  That drew some nervous laughter from the crowd and a glare from Tisdall.

  “Please forgive my wife,” Tall-and-Yellow said. “She’s just upset because we missed out on being in the big commercial. We are guests, of course, at the Intergalactic Bed and Breakfast.” He extended his hand, but Tisdall ignored it.

  “We booked our reservations after some friends of ours raved about the b-and-b,” the female said.

  “And about Forest Grove,” her partner added.

  “Yes, that’s right. We’re just the sort of folks that will be targeted in this commercial.” She turned to the mayor. “And yes, we will be spreading our discretionary income around your fine town.”

  That got a smattering of applause from the citizens of Forest Grove.

  “So if you want to start inspecting some costumes, maybe you should start with us.” Tall-and-Yellow turned to the crowd, approached a young girl holding hands with her dad, and bent down until he was face-to-face with her. “Why don’t you tug on that big nose of mine a little bit?”

  The girl looked up at her dad, who nodded his permission. The nose popped right off the tall man’s face. “Now, you tell me, does that look like a real alien nose?” The girl squished the rubbery schnoz between her fingers, then giggled and shook her head. “No. I didn’t think so,” the man said.

  He turned, scanned the crowd, and found a little boy. “The sheriff here wants an inspection. Why don’t you check out this hair of mine. Give it a pull.”

  The boy reached up and snatched the spiky wig right off, revealing the man’s bald head underneath. “That doesn’t look like alien hair, does it?” The boy grinned and shook his head.

  “Although maybe I really am an alien.” The man straightened up and rubbed his baldness. “Human heads aren’t supposed to be this shiny, are they?” That got a big laugh from the crowd.

  I was speechless as I watched along with the rest of Forest Grove. Who were these people? The mystery only deepened. Wherever they’d come from, the couple had totally defused the tension that Tisdall had built just a few moments earlier.

  The man turned to Tisdall and started to peel off the shiny silver jumpsuit he was wearing. “So…should I just take everything off, Mr. Sheriff? Right here in front of everyone?”

  “That won’t be necessary,” said the mayor.

  Mrs. Crowzen stepped forward. “And I’m afraid that my costume is not available for inspection.”

  Tisdall grunted. “Why’s that?”

  “Well…it’s a warm summer day.” Mrs. Crowzen cleared her throat. “I’m not exactly wearing anything under these shells.”

  More crowd reaction at that, chuckles and murmurs and people calling out to the officer.

  “Oh, leave ’em alone, Tisdall.”

  “Yeah, they’re just having a little fun.”

  Amy sidled up to the lawman and whispered, “Remember what happened to the last law enforcement officer who made a bunch of crazy claims about aliens in town? He no longer works for Forest Grove.”

  “Yeah, your dad works for you kooks now,” Tisdall said between gritted teeth.

  “Exactly. And we’re not hiring at the moment.” Amy smiled sweetly. “So you better be careful about what happens next.”

  I took that as my cue. I spoke up, loud enough for everyone to hear. “It’s been a long day, and we have lots of editing ahead of us so we can get this commercial on the air before the summer tourist season is over. What do you say, Officer Tisdall? Can we go now?”

  What other choice did he possibly have? With one last glare at Amy and me, he turned and stormed back to his patrol car.

  We quickly herded the Tourists down the street, everyone smiling and waving good-bye to the surrounding humans.

  The silver-jumpsuited couple followed us, part of our group now. Because what other choice did we possibly have?

  We marched out of town and through the residential neighborhoods until we were back on the quiet, tree-lined road that led to the Intergalactic Bed & Breakfast. After being cooped up in the house for so long, the day of adventure and danger and way too much ice cream had left the kids exhausted. Their antennae drooped and various appendages dragged along the road.

  Amy led the whole group while I lagged behind with the mystery couple.

  When the last person from town was well behind us, I turned and spoke to them, keeping my voice low. “You two still aren’t getting into the bed-and-breakfast.”

  “After that scene downtown, I think you owe us a little more hospitality than that,” the woman said. “Maybe we could come in for just a quick cup of tea.”

  “No way.”

  “There’s no need to be afraid,” said the man, fixing the spiky wig back in place on top of his head. “We told you—we’re on your side.”
/>   “We’re nothing like that horrible, narrow-minded lawman back there.”

  “Please. All we’re asking is for ten minutes of your time,” the man said. “Fifteen, tops.”

  I took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure how much I owed them…but with Amy and me in charge all by ourselves, it was probably a good idea to know something about these people, learn what they wanted and why they kept trying to crash the place dressed up like aliens.

  “Okay, but not at the b-and-b. Tomorrow morning. Nine a.m. Riverside Park. Meet me by the picnic tables.” That was a nice open area with clear sightlines all around. They wouldn’t be able to try anything too weird out there. “I’ll give you your ten minutes.”

  I thought they would protest, but both of their faces lit up with big smiles. “Oh, thank you.”

  “Until then, go back to wherever you’re actually staying.” I stopped walking and looked them up and down, from their crazy wigs and painted faces to their shiny silver go-go boots. “Just do me a favor when we meet up tomorrow.”

  “Anything.”

  “Dress like humans for a change.”

  For the rest of the walk back to Grandma’s I stared into the middle distance, lost in thought about my meeting with that weird couple tomorrow. So I was startled when something spongy pressed up against my palm.

  I was doubly surprised when I looked down to see that it was Kandeel who had taken my hand. Her body turned the same color as my tanned skin. Aside from the antenna and segmented body rings, she could have passed for the little sister I never had.

  “My brother told me it was your idea,” she squeaked. “Thank you for coming to get me.”

  “You bet. But I should be the one thanking you for not setting off that beacon thing.” I squeezed her hand a little bit. “That must have been hard. I’m sure it was scary to be in town by yourself.”

  She nodded. “But it was worth it.”

  “Really?”

  “For the ice cream.” Her smile was tinged with Oreo crumbs and smears of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. “That’s the best Earth invention ever!”

  “Hard to argue with that.”

  “And…I think it helped me not be scared anymore. Everyone was so nice and friendly when you came back. I like Earth now.” With that she ran over to her classmates, who were taking turns hopping onto Snarffle and riding him down the middle of the road.

  When we got back to the B&B, Mrs. Crowzen led the kids upstairs to get them cleaned up, and the adult aliens drifted to their rooms. Amy and I had a chance to talk in the sitting room.

  She got right to it. “So why are they here?”

  “Still not sure, but I’m meeting them tomorrow morning at the park to figure it out.”

  “I’m going with you.”

  I shook my head. “We can’t afford to leave the b-and-b without any humans in it. What if the meeting is, like, a diversion or something?”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She sighed. “It’s so weird that they helped us out back there. I wonder what they could possibly want.”

  “I’ll find out tomorrow,” I said. “And then we’ll have to get rid of them somehow.”

  “Okay. Tomorrow. But let’s try not to worry too much about it tonight.” She fell back into an easy chair and exhaled heavily. “Tonight, we should celebrate the fact that we just pulled that off.”

  “Definitely.” I flopped down on the couch and grinned. It felt like the first time in days I’d let my muscles unclench. “Did you see how excited everybody was when they thought they were going to be on TV? We could have buzzed through town on flying polka-dotted elephants and they wouldn’t have noticed.”

  Amy laughed. “Can you imagine my dad trying to do something like that?”

  “No way.” I sprawled out, put my feet up on the armrest. “You know, as good as Grandma is at all of this stuff, I’m not sure she could have done it, either.”

  “We really made it happen, didn’t we? That girl was lost and we saved her. Just the two of us.”

  “We did.” Her just the two of us comment got me thinking.… It was quiet. The adult Tourists were all upstairs, and no kid aliens were spying on us. Might it be the time for a little victory kiss?

  I made eye contact and started to scooch over in Amy’s direction when—

  “Wait a minute.” She bolted straight up in her chair, worry lines creasing her face. Not exactly the reaction I was going for.

  “What? What’s the matter?”

  “Does this mean that we actually have to make a commercial now?”

  Even though I was completely worn out from the day’s events, I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I kept getting up to double-check the locks on the doors and windows. I guess I never realized how much I had always relied on adults to worry about that kind of stuff.

  Finally, about three in the morning, I gave up and went downstairs. I figured I’d make a snack and try to come up with some sort of plan for my big meeting.

  As I fumbled my way down the dark hall, I saw a disembodied ghost head floating toward me. I stifled a yell and shrank against the wall, pressing myself into the shadows.

  But as it got closer, it turned out to be Cottage Cheese Head wearing a dark robe. He stopped and tilted his lumpy head, giving me a strange look. “Why are you all scrunched up along the wall there?”

  “Um…no reason.” I stood up straighter, trying to preserve a scrap of dignity. “What are you doing?”

  “I was headed to the bathroom, but then I heard something downstairs. Turned out to just be that primitive communication device.” He jerked his head in the direction of the stairwell and smiled. “You probably want to check it out.”

  “All right, thanks. G’night.”

  I hurried downstairs to the sitting room, and there was Tate, making another guest appearance on the jerry-rigged TV.

  His face was drawn and worried, and there were new bags under the eyes. It looked like he had aged ten years.

  “I hope everything is okay with you kids and the b-and-b.” He was whispering for some reason. “Just keep everything on lockdown until I get back, and you should be fine.”

  There was a noise off-screen. Tate jerked his head around to glance over his shoulder, then turned toward the screen with a haunted look in his eyes. “My situation here is dire. I’ve learned some bad news about the ship I’m on. Some very bad news.”

  Oh, no. It looked like we weren’t the only ones with a lot to worry about. For Amy’s sake, I hoped he would be all right.

  There was another noise behind Tate. Then voices, getting closer.

  “They’re looking for me.” Tate moved closer to the screen, dropped his voice lower. “They won’t rest until they find me.”

  Yikes. What could possibly be hunting him on that—?

  “Yoo-hoo!”

  “Where are you?”

  “You can’t stay away forever, you know!” The voices were high-pitched.

  Tate twisted his neck to scan the area behind him, then whipped his head back to face me. “Turns out this ship I’m on is…well, it’s a…oh, good gravy, I can’t even say it. Just too horrible.”

  One of those shrill voices called out, much louder this time. “You aren’t trying to make contact with your home planet again, are you?”

  “Because then we know right where you are!”

  Tate’s words came in a rush. “Turns out this ship is a dang interplanetary singles cruise! And the ladies here are none too particular about staying with their own species. It’s my worst nightmare come true.”

  The door behind him slowly opened.

  “Come back to the party, you silly Earth man!”

  Tate pressed his face right up to the screen and spoke in a choked whisper. “There are only so many places to hide on this thing.” The screen went dark.

  Wow.

  Well, I wouldn’t have believed it could ever happen…but I almost felt sorry for Tate.

  At least they looked a little better, sittin
g at the picnic table in blue jeans and T-shirts instead of silvery jumpsuits. And I’m glad they left the body paint at home, especially since there were other people scattered around the park—normal people—throwing Frisbees and skipping rocks across the surface of the Nooksack River.

  It didn’t take long for me to be reminded, though, that looks can be deceiving.

  The man jumped up as I approached and offered me a business card. Across the middle were the letters SPUFOOS. In the lower left-hand corner it said JOE & SUE MAXWELL, along with a Web site address. That’s it. Not the best advertising for whatever it was they were selling.

  “You can use these names”—he tapped the card, then leaned in and lowered his voice—“but those aren’t our real handles, of course. Can’t have the government knowing every little thing about us.”

  The woman—Sue, I guess—winked at me. “I’m sure someone in your unique position understands.”

  Oooookay…

  I looked at the card again. “SPUFOOS?” I pronounced it Spoof Ooze.

  “At your service.” The guy took off his baseball cap and actually bowed, and I noticed he was wearing a bad toupee over his bald head. Not quite as hideous as his alien wig, but close.

  “I’m sure that our operation has been very useful to you and your people, in your line of work.” When the woman smiled at me, her round cheeks bunched up so much they almost made her eyes disappear. “In a way, we’re practically in the same business.”

  “And that’s why we’ve come to see you, to make a little proposition,” Joe Maxwell said, settling back down on the bench. “It seems that you have a perfect location for—”

  “Wait, what are SPUFOOS?”

  They exchanged surprised looks. “Are you joking?”

  “No. I’ve never heard of that.”

  “SPaceship and UFO Observation Society, of course.”

  Oh, boy. So that’s what we were dealing with here. It all started to make sense—the obsession with aliens, the sneaking around, the mistrust of the government. “Okay, no offense, but are you, like, the kind of people who wear little tinfoil hats to keep the CIA from reading your thought rays or whatever?”