Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  Then he took off. The Fungus Eaters got back in their car and gave chase. They began shooting spells and Looney began returning them as best she could. Neville got nicked by a blast and lost control of the truck. He crashed it into a fire hydrant, through a hedge, over a garden statue, through some shrubbery, and into someone’s living room. Neville explained that it wasn’t his fault. The airbags went off, so he couldn’t see anything.

  Looney disagreed, “that was afterward.”

  Fortunately, no one was hurt in the crash. They pulled the dummy out of the pickup, as the Fungus Eaters knocked in the front door of the residence. There was a quick exchange of spells while the two students made a hasty retreat out the back door. Out in the yard, as they were scrambling over a fence, Harry’s head got blown off. The Fungus Eaters laughed evilly and gave each other chest bumps and high fives. Then they left.

  Afterwards, the teenagers made their way on foot back to the Best-One. When they arrived, Butterpants was already gone, so Neville used his cell phone to call for a taxi.

  Shortly after Neville and Looney had arrived, speculation and finger pointing began. Many felt the group had been betrayed by Fabulous Butterpants. It was his stupid plan in the first place. But worse still, it seemed that the Fungus Eaters were two steps ahead of them the whole time. They all began to feel Fabulous was not so fabulous after all.

  Butterpants overheard those arguing on the front lawn and came outside to confront them. He said, “I heard that! I’m not so fabulous, am I? It was my stupid plan in the first place, huh? I’ll have you know that’s a bold face lie! It was not my plan. I don’t know why you people think I would suggest something so stupid. I’ll have you know, I bit my tongue when this plan first came up. I bit my tongue for a lot of the dumb ideas that were being tossed around. But this one? It was idiocy from the get go.”

  Just then, Frommundigus Filcher rolled up in what was left of his golf cart. The top half was gone. He got out and yelled, “Quick! Give me a hand! Mad Dog’s hurt bad!”

  The confrontation was put on hold as everyone rushed to help get old Mad Dog Hooty inside to medical attention. They laid him out on the long dining room table. A moment later, Mr. Cheesley pronounced the old man dead on arrival.

  Arthur said, “Someone get the school nurse, Ms. Pomfrite.”

  McGooglesnot was the logical choice. She immediately said she would do it. A moment later, she abberated and was gone.

  Molly Cheesley sobbed, “And what’s become of Bill, my baby!”

  Fred rolled his eyes and said, “Mum, he’s your oldest.”

  She cried out, “Hmmph, he’ll always be one of my babies.”

  They all tried to console her and tell her that Bill and Flour would turn up all right.

  And then the arguing really got heated. Everyone felt certain there was a spy among them and that spy was Butterpants. Fabulous was appalled and insulted. He had been on their side for years. He’d been fighting Fungus Eaters since back when he was a student at Hogwashes. And if he were a Fungus Eater, he would not have been able to even get past the closed gate to the Boil. The strongest protection spells were in place to keep the Boil safe from enemies.

  Rhomulus Loopin would not listen to a word of it. First he called Butterpants out, then he called Butterpants names, and then he got really ugly. He said, “You’re not so tough without your stupid pickup truck, and your stupid cowboy boots, and your stupid cowboy hat.”

  And with that, he snatched the hat from Butterpants’ head. Rhomulus threw it on the ground and he stomped on it with his foot, crushing it. The flattened hat, however, sprang back to its original form. Rhomulus tried again and again, and each time he lifted his foot, the hat returned to its normal shape. Bam, it was crushed. Pop, it was back.

  Butterpants said, “Isn’t it great. It’s made to do that. You can stomp on it, sit on it, whatever. It never loses its form. Sure, it’s a little more expensive than a regular hat, but if you’ve ever accidentally sat on your hat, you know…”

  Loopin yelled, “I don’t care!” He gave the little man a shove.

  Butterpants got real mad then. He tossed down his satchel on the dining room floor and brought up his fists, saying, “There ain’t no call for that, Loopin! There ain’t no need to get all violent. We can settle this like gentlemen. But if you can’t be civil, I’ll whoop you fierce.”

  Loopin yelled, “Get out! Can’t you tell you’re not wanted here?”

  Butterpants looked around at the others, waiting for someone to contradict Rhomulus. The others avoided his scrutinizing gaze. He saw then, Loopin was right. He wasn’t wanted.

  His voice cracked as he said, “Well, if, …if I ain’t wanted…” He was choked up and did not finish his sentence. He picked up his Kangaroo-skin hat and left.

  Just as he was heading out, Bill and Flour walked in. They were noticeably scrapped and bruised. They conducted their rendition of Harry to a living room chair. It was missing both arms and legs. The head and torso had been thoroughly flattened and marked by tire treads.

  Molly Cheesley ran to her son. She hugged and kissed him.

  He asked, “Hey, what’s going on?”

  After they had brought Bill and Flour up to date, Hermione said, “Everyone, listen to this!”

  She was holding Fabulous Butterpants’ notebook. She had picked it up off the dining room floor after it had spilled from the little man’s leather satchel. She recited:

  “Rhomulus: ‘Even if we could teach a bear to sky dive, how would we get the Millennium Falcon?’

  Arthur: “Obviously that plan won’t work.”

  Bobby the Elf: ‘Well, what we could do is make up seven decoys of Putter and split up into groups to escort them all. Then no one would be able to tell which was the real Harry!’

  Arthur: “That sounds like a fine idea.”

  Molly: “Yes, finally, an idea that will work.”

  Rhomulus: “I like it. In fact, I think it’s a fabulous idea! It’s certainly something we could pull off quickly. All we’d have to do is get some dummies. No offense, Putter.’

  Harry: ‘Ha, ha, very funny.’”

  Hermione added, “Looks like we owe Fabulous an apology.” The others all silently stared at their own feet.

  Harry cried foul, “Wait! Bobby the Elf? He wasn’t even there when we were discussing it. That can’t be right.”

  Hermione replied, “That’s what it says here, and I remember, Rhomulus did call it a ‘fabulous plan.’ Maybe that’s why we all thought it was Fabulous’s idea. Does anyone remember if Bobby was there?”

  No one could remember having seen the elf that day. Or at least, no one admitted to it.

  Chapter 4 – Where there’s a will

  Harry felt much better once Nurse Pomfrite resurrected Mad Dog Hooty. Prior to it, he felt terrible. Their plan had been such a disaster from inception to completion. And as unlikely as it seemed, there was a possibility that the plan was really another attempt by Bobby the Elf to get Harry killed. It was well-known that Bobby hated the teenage boy and had plotted and schemed to bring about Harry’s death. But how could the elf have snuck into their meeting? And how could he have proposed a plan without anyone noticing? How could they all have been so oblivious? Or was there something more to it?

  The next morning, Harry, Ron, and Hermione began discussing their preparations for Hoaxcrock-destroying season. Harry, of course, put on his bravado. He tried to convince Ron and Hermione not to come with him, saying, “It’s far too dangerous.”

  Ron sighed, “Phew, What a relief!”

  Hermione elbowed him and said, “I’ve already packed and you’re coming.”

  Then she proceeded to tell Harry all the efforts she had already made to get ready. She had even gone so far as to blatantly alter her parents’ memories with her magic. They no longer think they have a daughter. And to keep them safe from the approaching Final Battle, she sent them off to live in the United States, in Akron, Ohio. Furthermore, she had given her pet
cat, Croakshanks, to Looney Luvnoodle to take care of while she was away.

  Ron said, “I’m sorry guys, but I can’t go. Mum’s already forbidden me. She says, ‘If I don’t start using my brain, I’m going to end up dead.’”

  Just then, Mrs. Cheesley came in and added, “Hmmph, given the lethal combination of the dangerous company you choose for friends, and the fact that you’re a nimrod, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened already!”

  Everyone was quite embarrassed and wondered how long Mrs. Cheesley had been listening. She sent Ron on an errand.

  The rest of the day, Ron’s mother kept not only the three teenagers, but the entire household busy with chores. Bill and Flour’s wedding was now less than a week away. Everyone was busily preparing. Ron was sent off to be fitted for his wedding robe. Harry didn’t see him until just before dinner. After dinner, Ron dejectedly told his friends he had to wash the windows.

  Hermione objected, “But it’s dark outside.”

  “That’s what I said,” Ron mumbled.

  Hermione rolled her eyes, “No problem, I’ll use my magic and we’ll be done in five minutes.”

  Mrs. Cheesley came in and said, “Afterward, Ron’s going to Aunt Pearl’s to help her wax her legs.”

  Ron started to gag. He cried out, “Ugggh, I just threw up in my mouth a little.”

  The following morning, Molly Cheesley scolded Harry in a private conversation. She took him aside and let him have it, saying, “I hope you’re satisfied! Another person, this time our good friend, Mad Dog, has nearly died, all because of the unending conflict between He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Smelled and you, Harry. Well, let me tell you something, mister. It takes two to fight. You insist on hostility, young man, and one of these days, something terrible is going to happen because of it. If you make a war of it, it’s your friends, Harry, that will suffer. Do you want to be responsible for that?”

  The tubby teenager replied, “Why are you blaming me? I was just a baby when Moldyfart murdered my parents and first tried to kill me. He’s been trying to destroy me ever since.”

  “Don’t you sass me, boy. I’ll take a wooden spoon to you! Just what have you done to end this feud, hmmm? Have you even once tried to see things from his point of view? I’ll bet he’s not such a bad guy once you get to know him.”

  Now Harry was really confused. Moldyfart, not such a bad guy? Get to know him? This was crazy talk!

  He angrily replied, “Not such a bad guy? What’s the matter with you? He’s insane and totally evil!”

  Molly answered, “Stop being a drama queen, Putter! No one is totally evil. I’m quite sure Tom has some very lovely qualities.”

  “Tom?”

  “Yes, The Fart Lord is an actual person and he has a name. Tom has feelings, too.”

  Harry felt like he must be on a hidden-camera show. His brain was having trouble comprehending this discussion. He repeated her words in the form of a question. “Tom has feelings, too?”

  Mrs. Cheesley sighed, “Have you ever tried to work out your differences? Have you ever had a conversation with him? Have you ever even spoken to him?”

  The teen with the L-shaped scar on his forehead, still consternated, asked, “Spoken to him?”

  “Don’t play stupid, young man! Answer the question!”

  Harry felt so befuddled that he couldn’t recall. All he remembered was dueling with Moldyfart. Maybe they had traded insults, but they certainly never held a conversation. Harry swallowed and sheepishly replied, “Well, no, but …”

  “Well, I have.”

  At this, Harry had a sharp intake of breath. In that instant, he jumped to a quick conclusion. Moldyfart had gotten to her and put her under an evil spell! No wonder she was acting so strange lately. She was always around listening to his conversations with Ron and Hermione. She must be the spy!

  Molly said, “Yes, Tom and I went to Hogwashes together. And even though he was a Popular Rich Kid and I was in the Nerd House, he was always quite pleasant and sweet.”

  Harry deflated, thinking, “Oh well, scratch that theory.”

  He answered, “C’mon, Lord Moldyfart? Pleasant and sweet?”

  “His name is Tom. And yes, not only was he pleasant and sweet, he was quite handsome, too.”

  Harry asked sarcastically, “Umm, you do realize he doesn’t have a nose?”

  The housewife scolded, “Don’t you give me that! A person can’t help it when something happens to disfigure them. You should feel sorry for him. He was handsome back when he was a teenager. And yes, he had a nose then, a cute one.”

  Harry thought, “Moldyfart was cute? This is too much.”

  Harry laughed and said, “You really had me going there for a minute. Good one, Mrs. C. But, you overdid it with the cute part.”

  “Harry, you need to think about what you’re about to do before you do something you’ll regret. A lot of people might end up dead. You just think about that, mister!”

  And with that, she tromped off, leaving Harry with quite a lot to think about.

  As he walked down the hallway in the Cheesley’s house, he thought, “One thing’s for sure, I can’t mention this to Hermione in front of Ron. Ron would, first of all, never believe it. And secondly, he was such a mamma’s boy! He’d likely get quite angry if someone talked badly about his mother. More likely, he’d go berserk.”

  As Harry mulled these thoughts over, he was suddenly abducted. A fiendish shadow grabbed him and placed a strong hand over his mouth to prevent him from screaming for help. A powerful and iron-like grasp irresistible pulled him from the hallway and into one of the bedrooms! And now, his kidnapper was kissing him! It was Ginny. He stopped struggling and kissed her back. It became a long ardent kiss. Like wind upon sleeping embers, it woke the passion within him.

  Ginny pulled away and whispered, “Happy Birthday, Harry!”

  Harry wanted more, a lot more. He kissed her again. Ginny eagerly kissed him back. But when his hand began to wander, she suddenly pushed him away from her. With a shocked expression on her face, she slapped his face and said, “What kind of girl do you think I am?”

  Harry was the one who was shocked now. He stammered, “B-But, But…”

  Ginny coolly pulled the door open and pushed Harry out of her bedroom. Then she closed the door in his face.

  Harry held his cheek and whispered to himself, “Wow.”

  That evening the Cheesley family held a small birthday party for Harry. It was a simple and pleasant affair. Harry and Hermione were their only guests. There was a birthday cheese with lit candles on top. It was a large wheel of Brie. Mrs. Cheesley had baked it and brought it out with bread and sliced apples. They all sang ‘Happy Birthday’ and Harry blew out the candles.

  Immediately afterward, the children especially the older ones all gave Harry the ‘bumps.’ They lifted him in the air by his hands and feet. Then they raised him up high and bumped him down hard on the floor. As they did, they all counted to seventeen – one for each year of his life. Then they added, “one for luck, two for luck, and three for the old man's coconut!”

  While Mrs. Cheesley was cutting the cheese, there was a knock at the front door. Arthur got up and answered it. A moment later, he returned to the dining room, now holding a black briefcase, a shoebox, and another small parcel. By his side was a stranger wearing a dark gray suit. His hat was held in one hand and a large black portfolio case was in the other. Arthur said, “Allow me to introduce you to everyone. Everyone, this is Dufus Dimeeyore, the Minister of Magic, and my boss.” He proceeded to introduce everyone by name to the unexpected guest.

  Mrs. Cheesley said, “Please, do sit. We were just about to have birthday cheese. Won’t you stay and have some with us? It’s Brie, a mild cheese named after the French province where it originated.”

  Dufus replied, “Why yes, I’m quite familiar with brie. It’s quite wonderful and I particularly like it on apple slices. But please forgive me for interrupting your gathering.”

  Molly said, �
�Nonsense. We’re happy to have you here and it would be an honor if you would take the first piece.”

  She held the tray piled with wedges of apple for the Minister. He set the portfolio down and took a slice, dipped it into the warm baked cheese, and took a bite. Then quite shockingly, he dipped the slice of apple right back in again, swirled it to coat it liberally with brie, and popped the rest in his mouth. Everyone’s eyes went quite wide and they gave each other embarrassed looks.

  Dimeeyore swallowed and said, “Simply fabulous. I wish I could take a seat and stay. However, I’ve got business to attend to.”

  Then Arthur said, “Harry, he’s here to see you.”

  Harry was surprised. He asked, “Me?”

  Dufus Dimeeyore added, “And Ronald and Hermione.”

  Arthur showed the Minister and the teenagers to his home office. He said, “Yes, this is the very place for you to discuss your business in private. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you.”

  He placed the Minister’s briefcase and boxes on the desk and left the room, closing the door behind him with a sudden loud snap.

  Arthur opened the door again and asked, “What was that?”

  He picked up a wand that had accidentally been snapped in two by the door.

  “Oh, my!” He asked, “Whose wand is this?”

  Everyone checked their pockets for theirs. Ron sighed and said, “It’s mine. I must have a hole in my pocket.”

  His father replied, “Well, I hope we have a few spares left.”

  Ron assured him, “Yeah, Mum keeps them in bulk. I’ll grab a new one in a bit.”

  Mr. Cheesley closed the door again. Once more, there was a sudden loud snap. Arthur opened the door again. Looking down at the floor, he said, “Whoopsie, looks like my wand dropped out of my pocket when I bent over. I hope Molly has stocked up. Oh, uh, sorry to interrupt. It won’t happen again.”