Hermione said, “Thank God, you’re alright! I was so worried. Were you able to get it?”
Harry teased, “Nick had it in his hands for one second, but then it was snatched right from his grasp.”
“No!” exclaimed Hermione, “So the Fungus Eater’s have it?”
Harry answered, “Nope.”
Hermione asked, “Who then? Not the guards?”
Harry said, “At this moment, the Declaration of Independence is in the stomach of an old goat!”
Ron exclaimed, “Oh my God, not Pigwedgie?”
“Sorry,” said Harry, “but, yeah, Pigwedgie.”
Ron cried out, “Arggh, that’s the fourth historic document he’s eaten.”
Harry added, “And the old goat sure seemed to know what he was about. Right when we needed to destroy the declaration, the beast didn’t hesitate to take matter into his own hands, err, hooves … I mean, in his own mouth. He also seemed to know, he was going to take the blame, while giving us a chance to escape. It looks like your family’s scapegoat is going to be in the news quite extensively for the next few days.”
Ron cried out, “Poor Wedgie. Hold tight everyone, sharp turn.”
The getaway driver slammed the brakes and skidded halfway through the turn. He then gunned it, accelerating through the other half, picking up speed on the straightaway. The passengers were momentarily pressed up against the side of the van.
Ron said, “The SUV’s on our tail. I’m gonna have to shake off our pursuit. You’d best buckle-up.”
As Harry fastened his safety belt, he said, “Well, we certainly didn’t plan on Pigwedgie being there, however, sometimes things work out for the best.”
Ron said, “I just hope he doesn’t get sick.”
Hermione said, “Don’t worry, Ron, he’s got the stomach of a goat.”
Harry added, “And after the Fungus Eaters set off that explosion, I’m sure they won’t blame Pigwedgie. They’ll likely think someone got away with stealing it.”
Ron said, “Hang on, everyone.” He took another sharp turn and headed down a narrow alley, running over two garbage cans. The alley funneled them onto a one-way street. The one-way street took them into an enclosed parking lot.
Ron said, “Crap! I went the wrong way!”
Cage complained, “We give you one simple job, and you mess it up.”
Ron said, “Hold on everyone, I’m gonna back us out of this.”
He put the van into reverse and floored the gas pedal. He was looking in his side mirrors to steer. He said, “Oh, crap, the Fart Lord’s right behind us. We’re gonna crash!”
Hermione abberated, taking Ron, Harry, and Nick with her. I moment later their four bodies flew through the inside of the tent in the unnamed woods. They hit the wall and the tent collapsed with the loud tearing of canvas.
In addition to his own aches and pains from a hard landing, Harry immediately felt the Fart Lord’s anger. He had a vision of Moldyfart.
The rear end of the empty white van collided with the Black SUV with glass-shattering, airbag-deploying force. The Fart Lord stumbled out of the vehicle holding his neck. He shouted, “Grandpappy Shabby, you are an even worse driver than Vermintail! And that’s saying a lot!”
Gramps Foil sniggered.
Moldyfart continued, “What I ought to do is leave you here to take the blame for this whole fiasco! The FBI would probe every crevice of your body searching for The Declaration. And you’d have a fine time answering all their questions for the rest of your miserable life.”
Bellatrix Le Deranged urged, “Let’s just get out of here, before there are any more witnesses.”
Harry’s vision abruptly disappeared.
Chapter 19 – Calling Elvis
Harry crossed the Declaration of Independence off the Master List. The last hoaxcrock, other than Snakey and the Fart Lord himself, was Moldyfart’s nose. He didn’t know where it was. He didn’t have any clues. About the only thing he knew about it was that, according to Ron, it was not at Moldyfart’s mansion. However, even as he crossed the Declaration of Independence off the list his thoughts were distracted.
He was thinking, “Somewhere out there, there’s a magic hat – one that can be used to fake your own death. And I think I know where it is.”
He announced to Ron, Hermione, and Nicholas Cage, “Get ready. We’re going to Hogwashes.”
Nicholas Cage put on a pair of dark sunglasses, grabbed his leather jacket, and said, “Awesome, it’ll give me a chance to get a good feel for the set.”
Hermione ignored the actor and asked Harry, “Why?”
Harry answered, “I want to find out if Grumblesnore is really dead.”
Hermione said, “Oh c’mon, Harry. The hat he always used to wear is just a hat. It doesn’t look anything like the hat from the story. Just because Elvis Presley faked his own death years ago to get away from all the public scrutiny of being a superstar, and started a new life as Elvis Grumblesnore, doesn’t mean he used the hat to do it.”
Harry said, “That’s true, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the hat. And let’s face it, he did such a great job of fooling almost everyone the first time he supposedly died. Just maybe he had – oh, a little extra help? And just maybe, he’s done it again? After all, how many people do you know that have faked their own death?”
Hermione said, “Harry, that’s just dumb. If they fake their own death, I would think they were really gone. How would I know otherwise? You’re not being logical.”
Harry snorted, “I’m not logical? What about you? You’re the one who was all like, the story is real. Well, you were right.”
Hermione sniffed and said, “As usual.”
Nicholas Cage interrupted, “Hold on, here. Harry’s the main character. You’re just a side-kick. The hero’s always right. I say we follow Harry’s lead.”
Hermione said, “This is real life. I’m a real person, not a supporting role.”
Cage gasped, “Oh, I see. Character immersion. Yes. You’re doing great. Keep it up.”
Hermione said sarcastically, “Thanks, I was born to play this role, I’ve been doing it my whole life.”
Nick replied, “Sorry for the interruption.” The actor began to mimic Harry’s posture and mannerisms. It was pretty annoying.
Harry said, “Don’t worry about it. As I was saying, now that we both know the story’s real, why wouldn’t The Hat be around here somewhere?”
Hermione answered, “Because it could be anywhere. And it’s dangerous to go to Hogwashes looking for it. Everyone will recognize us, and the ones that are Fungus Eaters, like Maldoy, will text the Fart Lord that you’re there.”
Harry scoffed, “We’ll be in and out. All we have to do is check Grumblesnore’s Tomb and that’s in the dungeon. With the Death Cat scaring everyone away, there won’t be anyone down there to even notice us.”
“And just what about the Death Cat? Do you want to become her next victim?”
“Her? What makes you think it’s a she?”
“In the story the female cat killed her two brothers.”
Harry admitted, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot. Well, I suppose she is a bit of a risk. But there’s three, err, four of us. If we keep a sharp eye out for her, one of us should be able to spot her and zap her before she can get us.”
Hermione said, “I’ll be sure to put that on your tombstone. We’ll bury you right next to your uncle. Remember his famous last words, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’”
Harry stuck his tongue out and said, “If I’m dead, you’ll be dead too.”
Hermione scoffed, “Not likely, Putter!”
Harry returned, “Right back at you, Stranger!”
Hermione sighed, “Fine, but can we wait until after curfew. That way we won’t bump into anyone.”
Harry said, “Great! It will be like old times – us sneaking around Hogwashes after hours.”
“Only with Nicholas Cage, Academy Award winning movie superstar,” a
dded Nick.
At midnight, Hermione tried to abberate. A moment later she said, “I’m blocked out of Hogwashes. I guess they’ve updated the protection spells. Since I’m no longer a student there, I can’t get directly in.”
Harry suggested, “Well, how about the Whopping Willow tree? We can use the secret passage there.”
Hermione said, “Yeah, I can do that.”
Moments later, they were there. From the Whopping Willow tree, they followed the secret passage through the woods. They pushed their way through coats draped over hangers and entered Hogwashes through the Wardrobe of Requirements. They were in a room of old, unwanted, unused, and broken furniture on the third floor of the castle’s main keep.
Ron whispered, “It’s here.”
Harry asked, “What, the hat?”
Ron said, “No. There’s a hoaxcrock here. I can sense it.”
Harry asked, “What here in this room?”
Ron answered, “No, I mean here at the school.”
Harry and Hermione became worried. There were only three hoaxcrocks left: Moldyfart, Snakey, and Moldyfart’s nose. It seemed unlikely for any of them to be at the school. However, it seemed very unlikely that either the Fart Lord or his pet would be visiting Hogwashes, especially at this hour. And that left only one other choice – his nose. It must be.
Yet, if his nose was here, could the Fart Lord and his Fungus Eaters be far behind? Their efforts of late were obvious. They were trying to get their hands on the hoaxcrocks before Harry could. They might arrive at any moment.
Hermione reasoned, “Harry, we have to find the hoaxcrock first.”
Harry said, “Darn it. I knew you were going to say that. Fine. Let’s go.”
Hermione said furtively, “Shhh, someone’s coming!”
When she stopped talking, Nicholas Cage, Harry, and Ron heard it too – footsteps in the hallway outside. Someone else was up late at night. They waited while the late night curfew-breaker walked by quickly. The footsteps receded.
Ron was about to peek into the hallway to see if it was clear, when they heard the voices of two students as they came and went.
Harry said, “There seem to be a lot of people up past curfew tonight.”
They heard a pair of sneakers slapping and squeaking as someone ran down the hallway.
Hermione asked, “What’s going on here, anyway?”
Harry shrugged and said, “Let’s find out.”
Ron opened the door.
A moment later, they bumped into Professor McGooglesnot. She said, “My goodness. Nicholas Cage! What on earth are you doing here? May I have your autograph?”
Despite the actor’s dark sunglasses, the teacher had recognized him. It happened all the time. The actor said, “Sure, why not?”
Minerva tittered like a school girl.
Hermione interrupted, “Mrs. McG, we’re trying to find the last hoaxcrock – Moldy, err, the Fart Lord’s nose. We’re kind of in a hurry.”
Minerva replied, “Oh, hello, Hermione … Ron … Harry. Don’t worry, this will only take a sec. I have a pen right here. And you can sign my…oh dear.” She began to rummage through her pockets for something the Academy Award winning actor could sign.
Hermione said, “Have you seen a nose anywhere?”
McGooglesnot answered absent-mindedly, “I’m sure you’ll find it, dear. Oh, I know, my bra! Oh, wait, even better. Here, you can sign my walking stick.”
She held her cane up for Cage to sign and thanked him when he finished.
Hermione persisted, “Mrs. McG, we need to find the last hoaxcrock. It’s important.”
Mrs. McGooglesnot did not take her eyes from the actor. She brushed aside the question by suggesting, “Why don’t you try behind the couch cushions? I absolutely adored you in Moonstruck.”
Nicholas Cage tried, “Thank you, Ma’am. But, if you would be so kind, we really need to find the Fart Lord’s nose. Have you seen it?”
Minerva blinked and asked, “Here? Why on earth would it be here? Is that what the Fungus Eaters want?”
Hermione asked, “Fungus Eaters? Are they here?”
Their old teacher was more herself now and replied, “Yes, they’re outside demanding that we let them in. Ape has refused them and they are furious. They say they have the place surrounded and will force their way in, if necessary. Ape laughed in their faces. It is a castle after all, built to withstand the siege of an army, let alone a few wizards with hugely inflated egos. Yet, they insist that we let them in and threaten that if Ape doesn’t open the door, they will destroy the school and everyone in it. We’re preparing to defend ourselves.”
Harry said, “They’re after the last hoaxcrock too. We have to find it quickly. Have you seen a nose anywhere?”
McGooglesnot answered, “A nose? No, but I’ll gather the Nerds and we’ll help Mr. Cage search for it.”
The actor said, “That would be great.”
She added, “I’ll ask if any of them have seen a nose lying around anywhere.” She headed toward the Nerd quarters.
Harry called after her, “Fabulous. Thanks, Mrs. McG.”
In the meanwhile, they began their search. Ron led the way. However, knowing the general direction of a hoaxcrock and finding it were two different things. He got confused at times. First he thought it was on one floor, but as they got closer, he realized it was below them on a lower floor. That meant backtracking to a stairwell and going down a level. Afterwards, they discovered Ron was wrong. It was actually two floors below them, not one. They had to backtrack again, which greatly annoyed Nick.
All the while, as they made their way, they discovered that the whole school was roused already. And their fellow students and friends impeded their progress. Everyone wanted to know what Nicholas Cage was doing there and there simply wasn’t time to explain. They answered, “We’re here to help. Talk to you later.”
As Ron led them, they ran into more difficulty. The hallways sometimes seemed to be the right way to go, yet eventually veered away from their target, forcing them to backtrack and try a different corridor.
Eventually, they found themselves heading toward the preschool area. He announced, “We’re getting close now.”
Cage muttered, “About time.”
However, just then, they noticed a child skipping happily toward them.
It was a preschooler – a boy. When he reached them, he said, “Hi!”
They all returned the greeting wondering what the child wanted.
The boy said, “I’m Reginald Hosepiper. Who are you?”
They introduced themselves.
Reginald suddenly said, “Move it, Tubby!”
He brushed past Ron, turned the light on and entered the room they were about to go in. It was the preschool center. They watched him skip over to a shelf and grab a toy set. It was a Mr. Potato Head. He opened Mr. Potato Head’s back-spud compartment. He shook the small parts out onto the table.
While everyone was watching Hosepiper, they saw a giant anaconda slither out of the preschool area bathroom behind him. Snakey was heading right for the child.
They let out a collective gasp of surprise and called out to Hosepiper.
Hermione cried, “Watch out, Reginald,” as she reached into her robe pocket for her wand.
Cage called, “Come here, boy!” He waved his arms frantically, trying to get Hosepiper’s attention.
As he fumbled for his wand, Harry shouted, “Get away from there!”
Ron shrieked, “Ahh. It’s Snakey! Oh, wait, I have a sword!”
Mrs. McGooglesnot arrived slightly breathless. When she saw the anaconda, she gasped, clutched at her heart, and exclaimed, “Holy Crap!”
Unaware of his own imminent danger, Hosepiper exclaimed, “Here it is!” And he picked up the nose as Snakey loomed over his head from behind. However, the snake with lightning reflexes ducked back down to avoid the spells coursing at its head. It slithered away quickly, much faster than anyone suspected it could go. More spell
s missed, as Snakey weaved to and fro propelling its long body back into the bathroom.
Ron gave chase, waving Excalibur as he ran after it. He arrived only in time to see the tail end of the giant anaconda slither into a broken grate. Snakey escaped.
Ron returned and said dejectedly, “It got away.”
Reginald called out, “Mrs. McGooglesnot! I’ve got it! I’ve got it!”
He ran to her and handed her the nose.
Mrs. McGooglesnot held it up. She said, “Well done, Hosepiper! That’s one hundred points for the Nerd house.”
Ron complained, “Eww, Gross! I remember playing with that.”
Hermione replied, “Don’t worry about that, Ron. It can’t have been here long or else it would have decayed by now. I’m sure it wasn’t there back when you were in preschool.”
Ron looked uncomfortable as he said, “Right, that’s what I meant. Preschool. Right.”
Hermione stated, “That was a close one. We arrived just in the nick of time. As a matter of fact, I’ll bet that’s why Ron had so much trouble locating the nose. He was probably following the snake as it moved through the walls and pipes.”
Mrs. McGooglesnot asserted, “Allow me to do the honors.” She put the nose on the table, pulled a basilisk fang from her robe pocket, and jabbed it into the small lump of flesh. Black venom oozed from the hole she made in the hoaxcrock. The nose shriveled up before their eyes until it was the size of a small black pea.
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 19
