Hermione said, “Wow, we usually just burn them.”
The old teacher answered, “Where’s the fun in that?” She flicked what was left of the nose off the table expertly, as though it were a booger.
Cage said, “Thanks for your help, Mrs. McG.”
Minerva tittered and replied, “It was my pleasure.”
A student ran in and said, “Mrs. McGooglesnot. There you are! Headmaster Ape wants you to come to the Astronomy Tower quickly.”
The teacher sighed and excused herself, “It was so nice to meet you, Mr. Cage. Thank you again for the autograph.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” Nick replied dashingly.
Minerva said, “Oh, and good to see you three too. I’m glad we were able to help you in your mission. Kill ‘em, Harry. We’re all counting on you.”
Hermione asked, “What should we do now? Someone has to have told the Fungus Eaters we’re here. Should we stay to help the teachers fight them off?”
Ron said, “I think we should try and find that snake. It’s still in the school somewhere. And we need to kill it.”
Hermione disagreed, “That’s likely to be a wild goose chase, Ron. The snake slithered in here somehow. It will probably leave the way it came, especially since we prevented it from getting to the hoaxcrock. It won’t stay here. And it obviously can travel places you can’t go.”
Harry said, “I think we should stay and help fight. The Fungus Eaters aren’t going to take Ape’s ‘no’ for an answer. And this might be a good opportunity to kill some of them off before we have to face Oldyfart May.”
Hermione said, “I wonder what makes them think they can force their way in? The students must have them outnumbered forty to one – perhaps more. They must have been pretty desperate to get the last hoaxcrock.”
Harry explained, “Well, the Fart Lord did kill a bunch of them already. I’d be afraid if I were one of them too.”
Ron asked, “Won’t they just go away? We already got the nose. They’re too late.”
Hermione mused, “Hmm. I wonder. That would all depend on whether they somehow know we got it. Snakey was obviously after the hoaxcrock, that seems very intelligent for a snake. So it must have some way of communicating with the Fart Lord. And it’s got a piece of Fartypant’s soul in it. And that could mean just about anything. For all we know, the Fart Lord already knows about it.”
She concluded, “It would probably be best if we stay a while to help if we are needed. And if the Fungus Eaters go away, we can leave too.”
Harry said, “Well, anyway, before we do anything else, I want to check out Grumblesnore’s Tomb first. Follow me.”
They made their way downward. Harry was leading the way now, as they headed toward the dungeon levels. When they arrived, Faco Maldoy was walking by and texting at the same time. As he passed them, he muttered with derision, “Putter.”
Harry replied with equal venom, “Maldoy.”
Cage whispered in the same derisive tone, “Maldoy.”
Faco suddenly realized that hadn’t happened in a long while. He turned and said, “Whoa. Putter? What the hell are you doing here, loser? I thought you dropped out and heard you were planning to shovel horse manure for a living.”
Harry said, “Maybe I’ll get some practice by shoveling your brain!”
Faco sneered, “Oh yeah? Well, be prepared for a lot of work, Putter, because my brain is a huge pile of…D’oh!”
Harry pumped his fist and said, “Oh, yeah! Owned!”
Nicholas Cage pumped his fist too, imitating Harry.
Hermione nudged Harry forward. She said, “C’mon, let’s go.”
Maldoy asked, “Wait. Is that Nicholas Cage?”
Harry bragged “That’s right, our friend, Nicholas Cage. He’s an actor, you know?”
Maldoy declared, “I must be dreaming. This is too bizarre.”
Harry said, “So’s your face!”
Cage mimicked Harry.
Maldoy called after them, “Oh, yeah? Well, you know that's just, like, your opinion.”
Cage laughed, “Wow, he has even worse comebacks than Ron!”
Ron retorted, “Oh yeah? Well, you starred in The Wicker Man!”
Harry said, “Owned!”
“Hey! I was not! That movie wasn’t THAT bad!”
Ron cried out, “Oh, no! Not the bees! Not the bees! Ahh!”
Cage sighed and admitted, “All right, enough already. I was owned.”
They opened the door to the headmaster’s mausoleum. Inside was an unadorned stone sarcophagus.
Harry said the magic incantation, “Wigwamia Levi-straussa!” He pointed his wand at the heavy stone lid. It levitated upward revealing the contents of Grumblesnore’s tomb. Inside was the decomposing body of Elvis Grumblesnore.
Hermione said, “See, he’s still there.”
Harry said, “Oh, yeah. Look again!” He removed Grumblesnore’s hat and the body became a mannequin, not a real corpse. It was Grumblesnore’s old Elvis mannequin. It looked like young Elvis Presley. However, it had been severely abused over the years.
The hat Harry was holding also changed. It was no longer the headmaster’s wizard’s cap. It was a flat wide-brimmed hat with goat tassels dangling from its brim.
Harry tried it on.
Ron asked, “How do you feel?”
Harry replied, “Not any different.”
A moment later, his head exploded and bits of his brain flew everywhere spattering the walls and his friends.
Nick, Hermione, and Ron were all shocked. Harry’s headless body plopped to the floor. The hat floated down and landed beside it.
Harry immediately popped back up, his head was intact and the hat was upon it again. He said, “Seems to work as described. What did you think? Did I look dead?”
Ron cried out, “That was bloody brilliant!”
Cage exclaimed, “Spectacular special effects. This movie is going to be so awesome! I’m in it, you know?”
Hermione sniffed and said, “That was just gross, Harry.”
Harry proudly replied, “Thanks. You guys should have seen the look on your …”
Hermione interrupted, “Really, Harry, we should be upstairs helping to fight the Fungus Eaters. Let’s hurry and get to the Astronomy Tower.”
Harry asked, “Oh, man. Please tell me you can abberate us to the top.”
Hermione said, “Unfortunately, no. Even though we’re already inside the protection spells and I shouldn’t be blocked, there are too many students and teachers up and about. Likely there are a lot of people at the top of the tower keeping watch on the Fungus Eaters. It wouldn’t be safe to abberate into a crowd.”
Harry said, “Oh, crap.”
They made their way out of the dungeon and into the keep. When they reached the Great Eatery, the school’s dining hall, there was a crowd of students gathered. The children were watching as a long column of knights in full armor riding on horseback filed into the Great Eatery.
Upon seeing Harry, Ron, and Hermione, one of the knights, who had a fowl emblazoned upon his shield, lifted his visor, laughed, and called out, “What up, dudes?”
Harry exclaimed, “Sir Robin! What are you doing here?”
“I’m with the Knights of the Round Table, Harry. We have been summoned and are here for the Final Battle. We’re going to help you defeat Lord Pull-Me-Finger.”
“That’s great.” Harry asked, “Who summoned all of you?”
Sir Robin replied, “The King. Long live the King.” A cheer from the students and knights rang out, “Long live the King. Long live the King.”
Meanwhile, Sir Robin urged his horse into the Great Eatery.
Hermione turned to Ron and Harry. She asked, “The King? Who does he mean?”
Ron shrugged and said, “Beats me.”
Harry answered, “This is so awesome. He must mean Elvis! You know – The King. Elvis faked his own death and has been out gathering our army for the Final Battle.”
Ro
n said, “That seems logical.”
Hermione pointed and said, “Look, Ron. Your family’s here.”
Coming up the keep steps from the main entrance were Mr. and Mrs. Cheesley and their numerous orange-haired offspring. Arthur was leading Pigwedgie on a short tether.
Mrs. Cheesley hugged Ron and said, “Thank goodness you’re still alive. Where are Suzanne and Ginny?”
“Hello, Mum,” Ron said, “I’m sure they’re around here somewhere.”
She let out a snort, “I would think you’d care a little more about your younger sisters. Well, let me tell you, you’d better defend them well, Ronald. You’ll regret it the rest of your life if something happens to them. I mean it.”
Ron rolled his eyes and replied, “Yes, Mum.”
She called to her children, “Everyone, split up and find Ginny and Suzanne. Meet back here at the Great Eatery in twenty minutes. Ron, you too! Harry, we’re all here to support you, but Ron has to attend to his family first. He will see you later.”
Harry said, “No problem, Mrs. C.”
The frumpy housewife added, “And, young man, we’re all counting on you to do the right thing when the time comes. I hope you’ve taken some time to think about what I said before. Make us proud, Harry.”
Harry swallowed and said, “I will.”
As they left, Arthur was overhead saying, “I think that man in the sunglasses was Nicholas Cage.”
Mrs. Cheesley answered, “Don’t be ridiculous. What would he be doing here?”
Nick, Hermione, and Harry made their way into the courtyard. Across the way the front gate was open. Harry thought for a moment, “Oh, no! Arthur left the gates open by mistake!” However, he then realized the gates were open because a military honor guard was marshalling into the castle.
A man wearing a tan military coat and a navy blue and red hat embroidered with fancy gold plumes all around it was leading the way. He was heading directly toward the front door to the keep, directly toward Nick, Harry, and Hermione.
The military man stopped before Harry and saluted with his right hand palm facing toward the teenager. He kissed Harry on each of his cheeks and said, “Mon Ami, Harry Putter. I am General Blownapart of the Armée de Terre – the French Army – the longest standing permanent army. It is the third largest militia in the world – though it is second to none. The full might of the unstoppable force that is the French Military is just outside the gate and is at your service. Victory will be ours!”
Hermione rolled her eyes and said sarcastically, “Great.”
Standing behind Harry, Cage muttered, “Weak-kneed surrender monkeys.”
Harry said loudly, “Wow! Grumblesnore’s really outdid himself now! That’s wonderful. By all means, do what you do best.”
General Blownapart replied, “Then I will order the men to prepare. We will begin fortifying our position in anticipation of the forthcoming Final Battle.”
Harry answered, “That would be really smashing.”
The military man saluted again, turned crisply, and began ordering his military guard in French.
The three made their way to the Astronomy Tower. As they crossed the courtyard, Harry peered up at the dark and cloudy night sky. It looked like a trite storm was approaching, the tired old harbinger of clash encounters had also arrived for the Final Battle. His eyes then fell upon the defenders on the outer wall. Some were students. Others were diminutive. Harry tried to make them out in the gloom. They seemed to be very small men in camouflage raingear and army fatigues.
Harry stopped, pointed, and asked, “Are those elves, there, on the battlements looking over the gate?”
Hermione wondered too. Then she too pointed and said, “They are. Look, there’s Father Christmas!”
Saint Nick was on one the battlements. His beard and the white fringe of his outfit stood out in the darkness. He seemed to be directing the efforts of his elves.
Harry laughed and said, “Well, you know Santa. He loves a good fight.”
Hermione replied, “Yes, he’s quite the brawler.”
Cage agreed, “He is one tough cat.”
Harry said, “C’mon, let’s get going.”
At the entrance to the Astronomy Tower they bumped into Fabulous Butterpants. He said, “Oh, hey, guys! You excited about the upcoming battle? I’m psyched! I can’t wait to whoop some Fungus Eater’s butt.”
Harry said, “Butterpants. I’m surprised to see you. I thought after the way Loopin and the rest of us treated you that night, you’d be the last person to come help.”
Fabulous replied, “Hey, that’s all water under the bridge. Loopin was man enough to apologize about the misunderstanding. So, it’s all good. And I’m happy to be here to do my part. The rest of the guys are here too.”
Harry asked, “The Fan Club is here already?”
Butterpants said, “Of course. We wouldn’t miss this. It’s going to be epic. Someone ought to get Madman and Butterball to do a play by play commentary while it’s going on. Too bad we’ll all be too busy fighting to take time to admire it.”
Harry replied, “Don’t worry about that. It’s going to be a big summer blockbuster movie one day. It’ll be even better watching it on the big screen.”
Butterpants laughed, “Hey, that’s a good one. Do you think they’ll let me play myself? Which side do you think is my good side?”
Cage answered, “You don’t have one. Trust me, I’m an actor.”
Harry laughed nervously in embarrassment. He said, “Hey, uh, wouldn’t you rather someone professional do your role, maybe, say… George Clooney?”
Fabulous said, “Gee, I’m not sure he could do justice to my character. But thanks anyhow. Hey, do any of you guys need something from the Best One? Coffee? Tea?”
The two teenagers declined.
Nick answered, “Yes, I’ll have a tall half-skinny half half-n’-half extra hot split quad-shot latte with whip. And ask them to put a maraschino cherry on top. Thanks.”
Fabulous replied, “Wait, let me write that down.”
It took nearly ten minutes for Fabulous to take Nick’s order. Then he said, “Alrighty then, I’ll catch up to you later.”
The three climbed the long staircase to the Astronomy Tower. As they reached the upper floors, they heard the raised voices of Ape’s head and Professor McGooglesnot.
Ape was ranting, “I will not allow this school to take sides in a wizard war. I am responsible for the safety of our students. I want that gate opened and everyone who doesn’t belong here out! They can fight their war somewhere else.”
McGooglesnot answered, “It’s too late, Ape. You’ve already pissed the Fungus Eaters off. If you wanted to stay neutral, you should have let them in.”
Ape’s head shouted, “I do not have to capitulate to anyone’s bullying demands. I offered to make an early morning appointment. They refused to wait until then. However, I did not invite Father Christmas and a division of heavily-armed elves to set up artillery in our courtyard. How did they even get in? I thought the protection spells would have blocked him.”
McGooglesnot replied, “First of all, Saint Nick is on the explicitly allowed list. No one blocks Santa. Besides, he arrived in his typical conveyance, and you, of all people, know protection spells don’t block reindeer or any other physical mode of access. All they stop are aberration spells.”
Ape cried out, “Well who let him take control of the gates? I don’t want him letting in any more unwanted guests. I want those gates kept closed! I did not invite the Knights of the Round Table to use the Great Eatery as a stable for their horses. And I did not invite the French Army to park itself outside our walls. The next thing you know, Putter will show up with all his weird friends, thinking they can use our school as their army headquarters. Well, I’m putting my foot down. Putter is not coming inside Hogwashes. You know, he tried to kill me the last time he was here?”
McGooglesnot said, “Yes, if I recall, you fled out the window on your hoverboard.”
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Ape’s head growled, “That boy is a menace. He was trying to blame me for that stupid fortune in that stupid fortune cookie. How am I responsible? I didn’t put it there. And I can’t help it that Tom Riddly went crazy because of it. Yet, you should have seen the murderous look on Putter’s face. I’ve tried my best with that boy, but he’s simply beyond control. He’s as insane as the Fart Lord. Both are hell bent on destruction. Well, let the two of them take their wizard war somewhere else. I didn’t let the Fungus Eaters in, and Putter’s not getting in here either.”
Harry chose that moment to make his entrance. He stepped into the high-level tower room. Hermione and Cage were right behind.
Ape’s eyes went wide. He said, “Holy Crap! It’s Putter.” He turned his hoverboard to make a quick exit out the window. However, in his haste, the hoverboard struck the stone window sill. The jar containing Ape’s Head flew through the window. Without means of flight, the glass jar plummeted.
Harry stuck his head out the window and looked down, but it was too dark to see anything so far below.
Hermione gasped, “Is he? Is he dead?”
Harry answered, “I can’t tell.”
Had Ape acted quickly, he could have cast a levitation spell to save himself. However, the terror of falling made him scream. He plummeted eleven stories to his death.
Chapter 20 – School of Hard Knocks
The Knights of the Round Table had their horses stabled in the Great Eatery under such guard as could be spared – a few of their squires. They had taken position upon the battlements along with many of the students, Santa’s elves, and the members of the Order of the Harry Putter Fan Club.
Santa ordered his hard-working elves to prepare for battle. They were hastily filling up sandbags and arranging them to give further protection to machine gun and artillery positions. However, most of Santa’s elves were already manning the Outer Wall and its towers, waiting between crenulations, upon parapets, and behind narrow castle windows. Santa and his second in command Herbie the Dentist arrayed most of their strength near the front gate, for here the enemy was expected to attack hardest, trying to force their entrance. If the Fart Lord’s assault were determined and in great strength, they might break down the heavy wooden doors and iron portcullis and force the defenders to retreat to the main keep or into the dungeons of Hogwashes. And they would hold out there as long as possible, retreating to the Astronomy Tower, which was directly attached to the Keep, as a last line of defense.
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 20
