The Outer Wall was twenty feet high. It had a stout embankment, wide enough that four elves could walk abreast along the top, sheltered by a parapet meant for humans. Only a tall elf could look over it. Many of them were standing on sandbags to get the extra height they needed to aim a machine gun over the wall. Others were stationed in clefts in the stone through which the elves could shoot.
The elves were all wearing camouflaged rain ponchos with hoods tucked inside broad rimmed army helmets. They were prepared for the inevitable rain. And should the upcoming battle become desperate, they were prepared to shed their raingear too, evoking the beast within. If things got ugly, they could unleash a whole lot of ugly.
For a moment Santa stood leaning against the breastwork upon the wall, his shotgun on his shoulder. Herbie the Elven Dentist sat above on the parapet itself, fingering his XM8 Carbine with the 40mm grenade launcher attached. He was peering out into the gloom.
“This is more to my liking,” said jolly St. Nick. “Ever my heart rises as battle draws near. Sure beats being cooped up in the workshop, making toys, checking lists, and especially, checking them twice.”
“Without a doubt,” agreed Herbie the Elven Dentist. “I get tired of all the cavities and root canals. Sometimes you just want to blow stuff up. But, I wish there were more of us elves around. Better still, I’d give up eggnog for a hundred Tomahawk missiles. We sure could use ‘em. I suppose the Knights of the Round Table will be useful in their own way, but there are too few of us elves here, far too few.”
“It’ll have to do,” said Santa. “After all, it’s not like the Knights of the Round Table are gonna help us catch up on all the toy-making afterward.”
Time passed slowly as everyone waited for their enemies with anticipation and wonder. None knew what to expect. It was said the Fart Lord’s army was vast. Far away in the valley scattered fires were burning. It was the first sign of the approaching enemy. Scout began arriving with reports. And rumors spread along the wall. A Panzer Tank Unit was advancing along the road leading Moldyfart’s huge army of men, ogres, trolls, and giants. Burning torches, flashlights, and floodlights could be seen winding up the road in many lines.
Suddenly from the trenches below came yells and shouts in French, “Sacré Bleu! Sacré Bleu! Les allemands, les Nazis! Nous sommes destines! Capitule. Capitule!”
Screams and the distant fierce battle-cries of men broke out. And then the sharp cracks of gunfire. A small group of men came galloping back over the quibbage field and up the ramp to the gate of the castle. It was the rearguard of the Knights of Camelot. They had conducted a stealthy ambush and were now driven back.
“The enemy is at hand!” they said. “From the darkness we loosed every arrow that we had, and littered the road with Nazis. But it will not slow them for long. Already they are overrunning the trenches. And the French will only slow them down for as long as it takes the Germans to accept their submission. General Blownapart has ordered a full surrender. They are already laying down their arms.”
Santa sneered with disgust, “Sounds like the Knights are at least more useful to us than the French.”
Moldyfart was in a pavilion three kilometers away – his field headquarters. When one of his own scouts arrived, he eagerly asked, “What news is there?”
The Nazi messenger saluted and was pleased to inform his Lordship, “Heil Lord Moldyvart. Der französische army hast surrendered!”
The Fart Lord scoffed, “News? You call that news? That was a foregone conclusion. Why do you think I went and got you Nazis! Has the battle started yet? I thought I heard some gunfire.”
“Nein, mien Vart Lord. Heardst du a minor skirmish. Der Schutzstaffel, der SS, hast driven der enemy rear guard zu der castle.”
“Tell Field Marshall Von Küchler to get his head out of his butt and commence with the attack.”
“Ja, mein Vart Lord.”
It was now three in the morning. Harry, Hermione, and Nicholas Cage were at the top of the Astronomy Tower. They observed as the surrendered French military had vacated the field of battle.
Harry muttered, “The full might of the unstoppable force that is the French Military, is just outside the gate and is at your service. Victory will be ours! My fat butt!”
Nicholas Cage said, “I tried to tell your butt’s big.”
Hermione agreed, “No question about it.”
Meanwhile, Moldyfart’s army had extinguished their lights and was maneuvering into position for the night time assault. The heavily-clouded sky was utterly dark and foreboding. Lightning suddenly flashed, rolling across the sky and striking down upon the distant hills. The defenders upon the walls and castle turrets saw all the space between them and the trenches lit with white light. Arrayed in an arc in front were dozens of Panzer Tanks. Behind them was a seething, boiling mass of black shapes. Mostly they were of human form, Nazis. However, among them were oversized terrible creatures. There were giants and ogres with massive spiked clubs and tall, grim trolls wearing battle armor and carrying war hammers. Hundreds upon hundreds were still pouring over the trenches. Like an ocean tide the army flowed up toward the castle filling the entire battle field between the steep walled cliffs. A clap of thunder followed. And the clouds opened sending rain lashing down.
With a sudden roar of the Panzer tanks’ cannons, the assault on Hogwashes began. The barrage shook the stone walls, however, no sound of reply or exchange of fire was heard from within the castle. A deathly silence foiled the attackers as the canon roar reverberated from the stones of the castle and the steep cliffs. It was as though the stronghold was empty, yet the walls still defied them. This enraged Moldyfart’s army.
The lightning flashed, and emblazoned upon every helm the ghastly swastika was seen. There was a battle cry. The Nazis screamed, the Giants stomped their feet, the ogres bellowed, the trolls growled. The defenders ducked back down as the crack of Nazi rifles began. The German gunners shot at the battlements and into the clefts between the stones.
After a minute of shooting, they stopped firing again, listening to the echoes of their guns. Their attack again met no resistance. Yet they were no closer to overrunning the castle. The passive defenders were infuriating to the attackers.
And then a trumpet sounded in the ensuing silence. Hogwashes erupted in return fire. The elven battery of guns lay down a deathly artillery barrage among their foes. And machine gun positions roared sending a hail of bullets into the Nazi ranks. Students sent spells coursing downward to stun and scorch their adversaries. The knights and their men sent arrows arching over the walls to fall among the enemy.
At first, the Fungus Eaters tried to counter some of the student’s spells, however, they were so severely outnumbered their efforts were largely ineffective. Furthermore, they became targets. For every spell they cast, a hundred came raining down from the walls to stupidify them and those nearest to them. After the stun spells eventually wore off, the Fungus Eaters withdrew to the rear of the battlefield to observe.
Moldyfart’s army surged forward, some against the Outer Wall, others ran towards the causeway that led up to the main gates. There, many of the hugest creatures were gathered – crazed giants, wild ogres, and terrible trolls. These enemies knew no fear and did not hesitate even from the bite of bullets. They strode forward determined to destroy the gates with spiked clubs and war hammers wielded with brutal strength. They reached the causeway and strode towards the gates. And there they met with a barrage of elven launched grenades. Several died from the explosion-hurled shrapnel. The rest discovered fear. They wavered, broke, and fled back.
Next, the Germans sent a Panzer tank. It fired its main gun at the gate as it rumbled forward. Meanwhile, behind the armored vehicle, Nazi riflemen and machine gunners crowded on the causeway, sending a hail of bullets against the defenders on the walls. The tank rammed the gates with a rending boom. The armored Panzer withstood a barrage of elven launched grenades. Again and again the Panzer crashed into the gates weakening the stout
timbers and iron bars.
Ron stood with his family on the Keep Wall. They were casting small bolts of electricity down upon the Nazis. They heard the thudding of the German tank as it rammed the front gates; and in a sudden flash of light they beheld the damaged entrance from within.
“Mum,” said Ron. “I’m needed! The grenades aren’t enough to stop them from battering down the doors!”
His mother asked, “And just what do you think you’re going to do?”
However, Ron did not stay to listen or to answer.
He drew Excalibur and it glowed brightly with white fire. He ran quickly along the battlements atop the wall.
His mother called out, “Don’t you run with a sword, young man! It’s not safe!”
Her words fell on deaf ears. As Ron ran he commanded a handful of elves to accompany him. And a few of the Knights of the Round Table were drawn by the flaming sword and followed too. The smaller creatures ran as fast as they could, but toting heavy automatic weapons, they lagged behind. The armored men struggled too, as Ron flew down the steps, out the keep door, and passed into the courtyard. He paused as the nearby elven artillery installation roared, launching another barrage.
There was a small man-sized door within the main gate. As Ron waited for the others, he watched from within as the tank collided with the giant doors and he saw the wood splinter and iron bars bend inward. The gate held but was quickly weakening.
He ordered the elves into position, “When the door opens, dash through and take out the Nazi soldiers, leave the tank to me! Get READY.”
Ron waited for the next crash of the Panzer into the gate. There was another spray of splinters and cracking of wooden beams. He could hear the iron bars groan as they bent inward and held.
He called out, “NOW!”
A burly knight yanked open the small door within the gate. The elves streamed out the door. They ran past the tank and began strafing bullets into the Nazi soldiers upon the causeway. The elves were mowing them down.
Meanwhile, Ron smote a heavy blow with Excalibur upon the tank’s treads. The magic sword was made to cut steel. It clove through the treads, the wheels, and the mechanisms that turned them as though they were made of cardboard. The Panzer, which was backing up for another ram at the gates, slued. Ron moved forward and sliced through the other side of the tank’s continuous track propulsion system, completely disabling its movement. He leapt upon the hull of the Panzer and with another heavy stroke, lopped the main gun from the turret.
He commanded the elves, “Fall back!”
While the elves backed their way into the castle Ron, with a series of three strokes, cut a large triangular hole in the side of the tank’s turret. Standing aside of the hole, he called to a nearby elf for a hand grenade. Herbie the Dentist lobbed one to him. Ron snagged it out of the air and pulled the ring with his teeth. He tossed it through the hole inside the tank and jumped back down from the hull.
Herbie yelled, “Look out!”
An ogre was right behind Ron as he was running for the door. With Ron in the way, Herbie couldn’t fire at the ogre. And then, there was a small explosion as the grenade went off, followed immediately by a tremendous explosion as the tank’s magazine and fuel exploded. Herbie ducked behind the doorway as the blast hurled flames, shrapnel, and debris.
There was a huge cheer from the defenders upon the walls. When Herbie looked back through the doorway, he saw the black shell of the Panzer in flames and smoke. He saw the ogre lying dead but no sign of Ron.
Herbie ordered the small contingent of elves back out the door. They took position and began providing covering fire, strafing more Nazis on the causeway. Meanwhile, Al Roker arrived and said, “Wigwamia Levi-straussa!” He pointed his wand and levitated the huge ogre’s body, placing it to the side. Ron was underneath the massive corpse.
He groaned and said, “Ouch.”
Sir Percival arrived and helped Al Roker to lift Ron up and quickly usher him back inside. The elves followed and the small door within the gate was closed and made fast.
Ron was a hero and many people congratulated him. However, the gate’s great hinges and iron bars were wrenched and bent; many of their timbers were cracked.
He said, “Thanks, Mr. Roker and everyone, for rescuing me.
Herbie called out, “Elves, quickly, we are needed upon the walls.” They returned to their positions.
Al Roker said, “The rest of us must see what we can do to reinforce these gates. We can pile stones and brace them with beams from within.”
Sir Percival said, “We can help you with that. I will gather a few of the knights.”
Ron volunteered, “I’ll help too.”
Meanwhile, at the top of the Astronomy Tower, Nicholas Cage was holding his latte and had whipped cream on his upper lip. He said, “C’mon, Harry. You’re supposed to be the hero of the movie. You should do something, well, heroic.”
Harry asked, “Like what?”
Cage replied, “How should I know? I’m just an actor. All I know is that this is a huge climactic moment of the story and you’ve just been sitting on top of the highest tower, the safest location in the castle.”
Harry answered, “What do mean? I’ve been casting spells down at the enemy this whole time.”
“Yeah, but so has ‘Crybaby Peepants’ Jones, over there.”
Harry glanced at the Nerd, Jones, then said, “Crap, you’re right. I can’t just sit here. I’ve got to do something.”
Hermione reasoned, “Don’t listen to him, Harry. You’re waiting for the Fart Lord to show up, so you can battle him in a wizard’s duel. In the meantime, you don’t need to get yourself shot.”
Cage disagreed, “In the meantime, he could do some kicking-cool stunts. Audiences eat that stuff up. I should know, I’m an actor.”
Hermione rolled her eyes and said, “Yes, we all know you’re an actor.”
Harry pleaded, “Hermione, can you abberate us down?”
She snorted and said, “You’re like the laziest blockbuster movie hero ever!”
Harry wheedled, “C’mon, please?”
She sighed and said, “If you’re in such a hurry to get yourself killed, you can just run down all those stairs. Don’t trip on the way.”
Cage and Harry made their way down the Tower stairs to the Keep Wall.
Meanwhile, there was a small reprieve in the attack, during which the rain slowed and eventually stopped. The foreboding storm had done its duty and moved on, leaving clouds in the sky that were thinner now. The waning quarter moon peeked out between them. However, the dim light brought little hope to the defenders at Hogwashes. The enemy was rallying for another assault and their number seemed to have grown rather than diminished.
Al Roker, Ron, and the Knights of the Round Table braced the gates with stout beams of wood and piled stone. They were dismantling the goat stables to provide the necessary materials. Even as they worked, the assault on Hogwashes was renewed.
Against the Outer Wall the Panzer Tank Unit’s canons thundered. Their shells made the stout stone battlements shake. Nazis and ogres swarmed about its feet from end to end. Ropes with grappling hooks were hurled over the parapet faster than defenders could cut them. Hundreds of tall wooden ladders were lifted up. Many were cast down in ruin, but many more replaced them, and Nazi soldiers sprang up them like madmen. Though few in number the elves decimated their enemies. Along the Outer Wall’s foot the dead were piling up in hideous mounds, and still the enemy advanced.
The students at Hogwashes grew weary. Their magic power was already spent. Then a clamor arose behind the school, where only a few defenders were posted to watch and protect the rear gate. There was a monstrous scream that rent the air. It was louder than the noise of battle.
Those posted at the rear gate pointed to Lake Iwannabealifeguard. A tremendous creature was wading through the lake as though it were a pond. It was heading toward them. The defenders pointed and cried out, “Godzilla! Godzilla!”
One of the students, Yu Rang, groaned similarly in dismay.
Even as they watched, the giant squid, Nemoy, began to wrap his tentacles around Godzilla and a battle of giant monsters began. Nemoy’s ten tentacles kept Godzilla struggling to free himself. Godzilla’s radiation blast made Nemoy grow even larger and more powerful. Godzilla tried to use his atomic breath, however, the squid countered with a huge spray of water.
Meanwhile, as the assault above was at its peak, the Nazis attempted to take advantage of the castle’s drainage culvert. They had noticed water pouring out of it when it had been raining earlier. Now they crept like rats through the cement runoff and attached a grappling hook and line to the iron bars protecting access to the castle through the drain. The giants pulled the rope and wrenched the iron bars out. Then Nazi soldiers crawled through and into a narrow passageway that led into the courtyard. The first few waited there until they gathered strength of numbers and then they issued forth shooting at the elves, students, and knights on the battlements from inside the courtyard.
Down from the Outer Wall leapt Santa with a fierce cry that echoed in the cliffs, “Ho, Ho, Ho!” He blasted one Nazi with his shotgun and used the butt of his weapon to smash the face of another. He shouted. “Bad boys are behind the wall! Ho! Come, Herbie! Men are needed in the courtyard below. Ho, ho, ho!”
Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs Page 21
