Harry Putter & the Deathly Hairballs

by O'Donnell, Timothy R.

  Arthur Cheesley, and his oldest son, Bill, ran to help, along with Hogwashes students, Charlie Cartuffle and Michael Coronary. Behind them were Harrison Ford, Sir Bedevere, Sir Bors, and a small contingent of armored men. They ran to Santa’s aid and began battling the Nazis in the courtyard in close combat.

  Fabulous Butterpants looked down from the Keep Wall, hearing the deep voice of jolly St. Nick above all the tumult. “The Nazis are in the courtyard!” he cried. “To me, Fan Club!” he shouted.

  Nick Cage said, “Hold on there, Short Stuff! Putter’s the lead role in this picture and it’s his Fan Club. Step aside and let Harry lead the way.”

  Fabulous stepped aside and let Harry go first. The teenager leapt down the stair and through the keep gate with his many friends at his back, including Butterpants and Cage.

  The Fan Club’s onset was fierce and sudden, and the Nazis gave way before them. Before long they were hemmed in the narrows of the passageway, and all were slain. However, they had caused many deaths to the defenders between those who were taken unaware, and those who arrived earliest to fight them off. Fred and George Cheesley were among those who had been killed upon the battlements. Arthur and Bill Cheesley were among those who died in combat. However, there was no time for anyone to mourn.

  Cage said, “Not too bad, Harry, but I think your fans deserve better. Let’s see what else you got.”

  Harry was still sucking wind. He answered, “I don’t know. Maybe the screenwriter can embellish things.”

  The actor said, “Well, yeah. I was already taking that into account.”

  Ron arrived at that moment coming from bracing the Main Gate. He said, “Hey, Harry. I’m …”

  Nicholas Cage interrupted, “Now, this cat is awesome.”

  Nick was being nice to him? Ron warily said, “Thanks.”

  “Did you see the way he took out that tank, Harry? That’s the kind of heroic stuff I’m talking about. Maybe you could do something to take out some Panzers?”

  Harry said, “I don’t know. I don’t have a magic sword like Ron.”

  “In the meantime, we’d better stop up this rat-hole,” said Fabulous Butterpants.

  Cage replied, “That’s work for stage hands. Let’s go up on the Outer Wall. That’s where all the action is. There should be plenty of opportunities to kill off some of these extras.”

  Harry ran for the stairway. Nicholas Cage followed.

  Fabulous said, “Stage hands? Extras? Does he think they’re just movie extras? He must be crazy. He’s going to get Harry killed.”

  Ron called after Harry, “Be careful, Harry!”

  Soon after, Ron Cheesley and the Knights began blocking the inner end of the culvert with more of the stones from the goat stable. The goats and Saint Nick’s reindeer were no longer confined and were now wandering in the courtyard.

  Afterward, Ron climbed the stairway to the battlements to see how the fight was going. Away on the left the crash and clamor of the battle rose loud again. Giants, ogres, and trolls were smashing at the gates with their clubs and war hammers. Though the gates were almost in ruin, Roker, Ron, and the Knights had erected a formidable barrier of beams and stones, and so as of yet, no enemy had made it past.

  Ron looked up at the dark sky, the thin gray clouds, and the pale stars and dim moon peeking through. “Will this night ever end?” he asked. “How long is it until morning?”

  “Dawn isn’t far off,” said Neville Largebottom. He and Looney Luvnoodle were standing nearby, defending the battlements.

  Looney replied, “But the morning isn’t going to help much, I fear. Sure, the trolls will quail at the sun, but ogres and giants won’t.”

  Neville added, “And neither will the Germans Do you hear them?”

  “Yes,” said Ron, “but I don’t speak their language.”

  Fabulous Butterpants, who was standing nearby said excitedly, “I do! Did you know, it’s one of the more ancient speeches of men. And it was once spoken in many Eastern states in the US, particularly Pennsylvania. The Germans hate us, these guys are still mad about World War I. Can you believe it? Anyway, they seem to think they’ve got the upper hand on us this time. Go figure. They’re calling out, “Death to Harry Putter. Death to the Order of his Fan Club! Death to the English Knights! Death to the North Pole elves! Surrender, like the French or we will kill your women and abuse your dog.” They have not forgotten their grievances against the English from World War I, when the British used magic against them to foil their conquest of the world. Moldyfart has inflamed their hatred for us. They won’t give up until Harry Putter is taken, or they themselves are slain.”

  “None-the-less, I’d feel a lot better if it was morning and I could see what we’re up against. It’s dismal fighting in the darkness.” complained Ron.

  Even as they spoke there was a large explosion accompanied by a ball of flame and smoke. A gaping hole was blasted in the Outer Wall. A host of dark shapes began pouring in.

  “Holy crap!” cried Ron. “Those tricky Nazi bastards must have crept into the culvert again. While we were talking, they must have packed it with explosives.”

  At that moment, the Nazis raised a hundred ladders against the battlements. Over the wall and through the gaping hole the enemy assault came sweeping onto the battlements and into the courtyard. The defense was driven back. The exhausted students were routed. Further and further into the courtyard, they fell back, fighting as they gave way, step by step, towards the dungeons. Others made their way towards the keep door or the Astronomy Tower.

  Harry made his way to the broad stairway that climbed from the courtyard to the Astronomy Tower. He decided here was a heroic place to make a stand. From here, he could defend the stairway while the others made it to safety. However, Cage had already become separated from Putter in the ensuing chaos.

  One by one the defenders retreated into the tower, as Putter cast spells, sending crackling electricity into the Nazis pouring into the courtyard. Behind him, on the upper steps knelt Herbie the Elven Dentist. His gun was smoking as he provided covering fire, sweeping the Nazis from the battlements.

  The Nazis, however, were not even trying to shoot Harry. They were either leaving him for the Fart Lord to handle, or they were secretly members of the Harry Putter Fan Club and according to by-laws were not allowed to shoot their idol.

  Finally, Herbie called out, “That’s everyone, Harry. Come, get inside!”

  Harry slowly backed up the stairs fending off the press of Nazis. He shot balls of fire out of the tip of his wand, incinerating the German soldiers.

  And then Herbie saw a giant approaching. He called, “Run, Harry. Run!”

  Harry turned and ran, and Herbie lobbed a grenade at the Nazis at the bottom of the stairs, clearing them out and delaying their pursuit. He opened fire on several more as Harry ran up the steps. However, the giant was coming fast. He swatted Germans out of his way and bound up the stairs after the teenager. He didn’t appear to be a fan of Harry’s. Herbie poured bullets into the huge creature, but they were like the bite of flies to the roaring giant.

  The North Pole elf fired until his last bullet was gone. The giant was nearly upon Harry when Hermione levitated and dropped a great boulder from the top of the Astronomy Tower. It crashed down behind her friend. It hurled into the giant, dashing his brains and knocking him from the stairway. Harry gained the door and swiftly closed it with a clang, leaving Herbie outside to pound on it and scream, “Ahh! Open the door, Harry!”

  A moment later, Harry realized his haste and quickly pulled the elf inside to safety, slamming the door behind him and locking it fast.

  “Man, I thought I was a goner for sure,” said Herbie.

  “Sorry about that,” Harry said, breathing heavily and wiping the sweat from his brow with the sleeve of his robe.

  Herbie, asked, “Did either of you happen to see if Santa made it in all right?”

  “I don’t think he did,” answered Ron. “I saw him fighting in the courtyar
d, but the enemy swept us apart.”

  “Crap, more bad news,” said Herbie. “Mrs. C. will never forgive me if anything happens to the fat man.”

  “Don’t worry about my Mum. With Fred and George…” Ron started to feel all choked up, but managed to finish. “Well, she has other things to worry about besides next Christmas.”

  Herbie said, “Nah, not your mom, knucklehead. I meant Mrs. Claus.”

  Ron replied, “Oh. Well in that case, let’s hope Santa made it safely into the dungeons.”

  “Jesus Christmas!” exclaimed Herbie. “You do know there’s a Death Cat in there, don’t you?”

  Ron said, “Oh, yeah. I forgot.”

  The Elven Dentist sarcastically asked. “You’re good at making someone feel better when things aren’t going so well, aren’t you?”

  “Sorry.”

  “Aw, forget it. I gotta find some more ammunition,” muttered Herbie as he walked away.

  Harry asked Ron, “Did you see if Cage made it in all right?”

  Ron turned to Harry and said, “I’m glad you’re alright, Harry. That was a close one for you. You need to be more careful. We need you to fight the Fart Lord whenever he gets here.”

  Harry said, “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll play it safer from here on.”

  Ron replied, “Good. And I think Cage got caught up in the crowd heading for the dungeons.”

  Chapter 21 – The Final Battle Rages On

  In the dungeons at Hogwashes, Neville said to Looney, “Things aren’t going too well. They’ve taken the Outer Wall. Our first line of defense is gone.”

  Before Looney could answer, Cage replied, “Don’t be such a downer, man. We’re the good guys and the good guys always win.”

  Neville sighed and said, “If you say so.”

  The actor said, “I do. It’s just good cinema to have the bad guys appear to be doing well at first. What we really need is for a certain ‘best friend’ character to die, so the hero can exact his revenge. Then the good guys step it up, you know, turn the tide of battle? Plus, we’ve already had some fantastic explosions, and audiences always love explosions. Really, who doesn’t?”

  Neville asked, “You do know this is real life and not a movie?”

  Cage indignantly said, “With good writing and editing everything’s a movie. I’m just putting things in an actor’s perspective. I am an actor, you know.”

  “I was aware of that.”

  Nicholas said, “Anyway, Harry is about to turn the tide of this battle, aren’t you, Harry?”

  Standing nearby, Santa laughed and said, “I think I saw Putter heading for the Astronomy Tower.”

  Cage slapped his forehead and sighed, “Probably playing it safe again. Hey, is there a bathroom anywhere down here?”

  Ron slowly dragged himself up the long stairway to the Astronomy Tower. He was hoping to find Hermione. In the highest chamber Sir Lancelot was looking out of a narrow window upon the battle.

  The brave knight asked, “What is the news, King Ron?”

  Ron was surprised to hear the knight call him King Ron. He wondered, “Lancelot thinks I’m a king? Where did he get that from?” However, he did not correct the knight for fear that if he did, the Knights of the Round Table would abandon the castle’s defense.

  He sullenly answered, “Unfortunately, the Outer Wall is taken, Sir. The defense was swept from the courtyard, and now we must defend the keep and the Tower.”

  “And did Santa make it in?”

  “No, Sir. But many of your men retreated into the dungeons; and I believe Father Christmas was among them. In the narrow corridors they may hold back the enemy for a long while and they may find provisions in the Great Eatery.”

  Sir Lancelot answered, “Yes, and that is more than we have here. There are no provisions within the Tower. I fear things will go poorly if the siege does not end within the day.”

  “The way their Panzer tanks blast at the tower walls and make the stones shake, I doubt it will come to that. But for now, let’s turn our thoughts to preventing them.”

  “Unfortunately, I feel helpless to contribute, confined as I am in this prison tower,” said Sir Lancelot. “I serve little purpose here. If only I could set my lance in the crook of my arm and ride forth before my men upon the field of battle, then the Nazis would know fear!”

  “I don’t know. With their guns, I’m thinking that’s probably not the best of ideas,” said Ron.

  “Hmm. Yes, their guns are formidable. However, Saint Nicholas’s elves have superior modern weaponry. It is only the sheer number of our enemy that is such a ‘kill buzzard.’”

  Ron laughed, “Kill buzzard?”

  Sir Lancelot replied, “Oh, dear. I thought that was how Sir Robin said it.”

  Ron laughed and corrected him, “You mean a buzzkill. Yeah, the Nazis are such a buzzkill.”

  The knight laughed and said, “That’s it. Verily, the Nazis are such a ‘buzzkill.’”

  Ron laughed and asked, “I was looking for Hermione, have you seen her?”

  Lancelot answered, “She is upon the battlements just above us.”

  “Thanks, and if you will excuse me…”

  The Knight of the Round Table said, “Your Majesty, I will not stay here in this tower until it falls. The horses are in the Great Eatery. When dawn comes, my men and I will mount. We will sound the horns and ride forth. Then the Nazis will know fear! Will you ride with me then, King Ron? Perhaps we shall cleave a road, or make such an end as will be worthy of a song – if any of Sir Robin’s minstrels are left to sing of us hereafter. Your presence would greatly encourage the men.”

  Ron swallowed and said, “I will ride with you. We’ll go out in a blaze of glory.”

  “That’s the spirit, Your Majesty.”

  Taking his leave of Sir Lancelot, Ron climbed the stairs to the battlements. However, Hermione had abberated down to the Keep Wall.

  The courtyard below was teeming with enemies. Among them there were three Panzers. They were the only ones left. The elves had taken the others out with heavy artillery barrages from the big guns, which were just outside the Keep Wall. However, now that the enemy was within the courtyard, the artillery installation had to be abandoned. There was nothing to stop the three Panzers. The German tank’s main canons roared and the blasts shook the stones.

  While Harry contemplated how to destroy the remaining tanks, grappling-hooks were hurled and ladders were raised. Again and again the Nazis gained the summit of the Keep Wall, and the defenders cast them down to their deaths.

  Harry looked forth and saw the eastern sky growing paler. Dawn was coming. The trolls were already abandoning the battle. Yet, the defenders needed further encouragement. They needed another small victory. They needed to destroy the remaining three tanks. But how? And then Harry had an idea, which he put in motion.

  The first thing Harry did was find Herbie. Then Harry, Herbie, Hermione, Harrison Ford, Al Roker, and Yu Rang spent the next hour modifying six of Herbie’s grenades. For safety, they modified his supply of smoke grenades. It was a good thing, too. Al Roker accidentally set his off and filled one of the floors of the Astronomy Tower with smoke. They had to move down a level to finish what they were doing.

  Meanwhile, Ron came down the stairs coughing from all the smoke. Hermione ran to him, hugged him, and kissed him. She said, “I saw what you did! You were magnificent!”

  Harry agreed, “You were really amazing, Ron.”

  Ron didn’t answer. His lips puckered a little.

  Harry groaned and said, “What did you do that for? You kissed him. Now, he’ll be good for nothing the rest of the night!”

  Hermione said, “Oh, dear. I forgot all about that.”

  Then she yelled, “Snap out of it, Ron!” As she did, she gave Ron a heavy-handed slap to the face. There was a loud smack and his whole head turned from it.

  He stared at her for a moment with angry smoldering eyes and then he embraced her and gave her a huge kiss. When he disen
gaged from her, she staggered dizzily.

  Ron announced, “I have work to do!” He dashed off.

  Hermione said, “Wow, what a man!”

  Meanwhile, Cage found himself alone in a dungeon bathroom battling a giant anaconda with his bare hands. The snake had bitten his wrist and that made him drop his wand. It had rolled under one of the toilet stalls.

  Neville had led the actor to the men’s room. However, when the teenager opened the door for Cage and saw Snakey, the young man immediately went into cardiac arrest, clutched at his heart, and fell.

  Cage said, “If you don’t mind, I’ll give you my autograph later. I’m kind of in a hurry.”

  It was so dark, Cage didn’t even see the snake until he lifted up his sunglasses. When he did, he said, “Oh, … my bad.”

  He managed to pull his wand out of the pocket of his leather jacket, but before he could do anything more, the giant snake latched onto his wrist with a mouth full of dozens of sharp teeth. The snake yanked him into the bathroom. Nicholas promptly tripped over Neville and his wand rolled away out of reach. The huge snake was tossing him about as though he was a salad. As it did, it wound its way around his legs and waist.

  Fortunately, Cage carried a Swiss Army knife. He pulled it from his jacket pocket and proceeded to locate his nail file, his can opener, corkscrew, screw driver, and mini saw blade. By the time he located the knife, the snake had wrapped itself around his chest and began squeezing.

  Cage plunged the knife into one of the snake’s coils. The reaction was painful. The snake constricted harder and his chest ached from it. The knife was his only chance to live. He stabbed it again. The snake’s coils tightened. He could barely breathe. His breath came in quick shallow gasps. He stabbed again and the constriction became so tight he could no longer breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest. He could feel his pulse throbbing in his temples. He thought his head would explode if his heart didn’t.

  Then he remembered Harry’s magic hat and wished he was wearing it instead of Putter. He could fake his own death and the dumb snake would never know. Then he remembered. He was an Oscar-winning actor. He didn’t need a stinking hat to fake his own death. He decided to give the performance of his life.