Five Minutes Late: A Romantic Comedy

by Rich Amooi

What a dick.

  Ellie held up her hand. “Wait a minute. You and I don’t have anything to talk about.”

  “We need to talk about us,” said Vlad.

  Obviously this cop was Ellie’s ex.

  Ellie shook her finger in the air. “No. There is no ‘us.’ Please leave. I was talking with Cedric.”

  Vlad shifted his focus to Cedric and then back to Ellie. “How do you know his name if you don’t know each other?” The guy needed a napkin to wipe the jealousy from his tone.

  Ellie put her hands on her hips. “That’s none of your—”

  “Ellie, there you are!” Buck came running over. “I’ve given it some serious thought, and I would be okay with four kids. Maybe we could have a few extra goats and horses to make up the difference. Would that work for you?”

  Ellie covered her face with her hands.

  Vlad inspected Buck from head to toe. “Who’s this cowboy?”

  “Name’s Chuck, but they call me Buck.” He held out his hand, but Vlad left him hanging.

  Vlad turned to Ellie. “How many guys are you seeing?”

  “Look,” said Cedric, feeling uncomfortable in the middle of an odd situation. “I’m just going to take off.”

  “Good idea,” said Vlad.

  Ellie held up her hand. “No. I’m the one who’s leaving. I need to find a hole to crawl into.”

  She walked away and Buck threw his hands up. “Ellie, wait! What about the babies?” Buck shrugged and turned to Cedric and Vlad. “One of these days, I’ll figure out women. In the meantime, you boys wanna grab a beer?”

  “No,” said Vlad and Cedric simultaneously, each walking away in separate directions.

  Chapter Five

  Cedric bolted awake, sweating. He looked around the bedroom, squinting, and disoriented. What the hell was that? Another messed-up dream about dying, that’s what that was. The only bright spot was the appearance of Ellie in the dream.

  Lovely Ellie.

  The dream started as usual, no surprises. He sat on the examination table in the doctor’s office, waiting. He studied the colorful poster on the wall showing the muscles and organs of the human body. Next to the poster was a life-size skeleton hanging from a floor stand.

  He stared at himself in the mirror, thinking. “This is bullshit.”

  At the age of thirty-four, Cedric had felt good about almost everything in his life. His work. His health. His circle of close friends.

  He stood and lifted his hospital gown, analyzing his naked body in the mirror. Still not an ounce of fat. Muscles in all the right places. He rubbed his washboard abs in a circular motion then released the gown, returning to the examination table. This didn’t make any sense.

  “I take care of myself. I shouldn’t be here.”

  From the outside, Cedric was the absolute picture of outstanding health. The only problem was, you never knew what was going on underneath the hood. Maybe his “issues” were the result of the greasy burgers, junk food, soft drinks, and candy he devoured as a kid. Or maybe it was something in his genes, passed on to him from his—

  Don’t go there.

  He surveyed the room for a distraction and grabbed the hands of the skeleton.

  “I’ll be honest with you, sweetie,” Cedric said to the skeleton. “I was tempted to jump your bones earlier. But just between you and me…” he leaned closer “…I think you overdid it with the Weight Watchers, you know? You need to get a little more junk in your trunk.”

  The door swung open and the doctor raised an eyebrow, catching Cedric holding the hands of the skeleton. “Shall I leave you two alone?” she asked.

  Holy crap.

  The doctor was Ellie. Ellie was a doctor.

  “It’s fascinating,” Cedric said, ignoring her comment and pretending to inspect the bones. “The bone structure of the human arm. The clavicle, the humerus, the—”

  “Please stand up.” Ellie grabbed a pair of latex gloves and slipped them on.

  “Okay.” Cedric dropped the hands of the skeleton, now very aware he was naked underneath the gown. What was she going to do?

  He got a nice whiff of her perfume—something with roses—and he felt his heartbeat kick into second gear as she moved closer. She smelled nice.

  Very nice.

  Cedric blinked.

  Something was happening down in the region of his family jewels, and he was pretty sure someone had accidentally clicked the auto-salute button.

  He looked down and blinked.

  Holy hell.

  His hospital gown had turned into a Cirque du Soleil tent.

  “Please lift the gown for me.”

  “Now?”

  “Yes. Now.”

  Cedric, now fifty shades of pink, lifted the gown. “Sorry.” He looked down at his unit, which was now approximately the size of a hammer. “Not sure what happened there.”

  “Uh huh.” Her eyes opened wide as she grabbed his left testicle and smiled. “Turn your head and cough.”

  Cedric coughed, hoping to get the examination over as soon as possible.

  “I’m surprised at the size of your…” she looked down at his package and then removed the gloves, tossing them in the trash. “…brain, Mr. Johnson.”

  “There’s no need to be so formal.”

  “You can drop the gown now.”

  “Oh…” As the gown fell back down, it got stuck on his protruding member, which now looked more like a fleshy towel hook.

  Doctor Ellie sat down at the computer station and logged in. She clicked a few buttons and turned the monitor in Cedric’s direction. Zooming in, she used her pen to point to a dark spot on the right side of the image.

  “You have a small tumor here on the right frontal lobe of your brain.”

  Talk about an erection killer.

  “This would explain your constant headaches and difficulty thinking. It could also be the cause of your occasional mood swings.”

  Cedric felt the sudden urge to put his fist through a wall. “You’ve got to be joking.”

  “This is no joking matter. Especially since your testicles are going to shrivel up to the size of garbanzo beans.”

  “What the hell are you—”

  “Odd, I’m craving hummus all of a sudden. With a nice green salad.”

  “You’re serious?”

  Ellie nodded. “But now for the bad news—”

  “Bad news? What the hell was that you just gave me?”

  “You’re going to die.”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.”

  Ellie handed Cedric a stack of papers. “Please sign these papers quickly so the insurance company pays us.”

  Cedric stared at the papers in amazement. That’s it? And all Ellie could think about was the insurance money? Did she not care about the feelings of her patients? No compassion? No sympathy?

  Ellie checked her watch and then swiped the papers from Cedric’s hands. “Darn, too late. You only have twenty seconds left to live. That’s too bad, a real shame. Fantastic hair, by the way. If we had more time, I’d love to run my fingers through it.”

  “Can’t you save my life again?”

  “Sorry, love biscuit.” She began to count down. “Five, four, three, two, one ...”

  Ellie ran from the room, the building shook, and the walls rumbled as a UPS truck came crashing into the examination room, taking out Cedric in the process.

  Two hours after the dream, Cedric lay on the cream-colored leather couch in the office of his Psychologist friend, Michael Vela. His eyes scanned the enormous built-in bookshelf, filled with hundreds of books, patient files, miniature white Roman sculptures, and the head of Albert Einstein.

  “Why do you always lie down?” asked Michael. “I told you people don’t do that anymore.”

  “Maybe I just stopped by to take a nap.”

  “You want me to tuck you in?”

  Cedric laughed.

  Michael tapped his pen on the desk. “What’s the latest on Papa George�
�s property?”

  “We’re waiting to hear back from the Tax Collector about the auction.”

  “You must be excited.”

  “I am, but I’ll feel more relaxed once I know for sure that I can actually bid on the property. I don’t see why not, but I don’t have confirmation yet.”

  “I’m sure everything will be fine.”

  Cedric nodded and closed his eyes, thinking of his latest dream again. Brains shouldn’t be allowed to let you have dreams like that.

  “You look preoccupied.”

  Cedric opened his eyes, sat up, and shrugged. “Tony says I’m possessed by demons.”

  “And you believe him?”

  “Well, after what’s been happening to me recently, I’m starting to wonder.”

  Michael closed his laptop, stood up, and walked around to the front of his desk, his butt leaning against the edge. “Technically, that would mean a ghost has merged with your consciousness and is controlling your mind, thoughts, and decision making ability. Does that sound about right?”

  “Oh. Okay, maybe not.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Well, where do I begin … I almost got killed by a UPS truck. I found a man on the ground I thought was dead, and I’ve had more than a few dreams about death. Everything is death related.”

  “They’re just coincidences.”

  “I don’t know about that.

  “Do you die the same way in every dream?”

  “No. It’s like a death buffet, a variety of ways of dying to choose from. No dessert.”

  Michael laughed.

  “At least I got a new doctor this time. The doctor in the dream before Ellie’s was a giant A-hole.”

  “What was he like?”

  Cedric pondered the question. “Okay … so if you went to a cloning factory and asked the lab technician to mix the cells of a male whore, a caveman, a donkey, and … a used-car salesman—with a dash of sun-dried rat feces—you’d be presented with an exact genetic copy of the doctor in my dreams.”

  “He sounds sweet.”

  “He also told me it would take major surgery to remove my head from my ass so I punched him. But since it was a dream, my fist went right through him and he laughed, pulled out a gun, and shot me in the balls.”

  Michael chuckled. “Maybe you are possessed by demons.”

  Cedric blinked.

  “I’m kidding. Look, your girlfriend died and your mom died. These are huge events in your life and you just can’t make them go away. The only thing you can do is change the way you feel about those events. Acceptance is key.”

  Yeah. Easier said than done.

  The day Cedric’s girlfriend died was supposed to have been memorable for another reason. Cedric was going to pop the question. He had the ring, the proposal plan, everything ready. A car that ran a red light changed that.

  It’s been very difficult to accept.

  “And you need to get laid,” Michael continued.

  “You sound like Tony.”

  Cedric hadn’t had a date since Cindy died two years ago. That also meant he hadn’t had sex in two years and three days.

  “Well, in this particular case, Tony’s right. It’s time. You need a woman in your life.”

  Cedric stood and walked over to the bookshelf. He reached for Albert Einstein’s head and rubbed it. “What do you say, Einstein? You’re a smart guy. Should I let another woman in or is she going to just die like the others and rip my heart into a thousand pieces?”

  “Living your life in fear is no way to live.”

  Cedric nodded. “My heart believes you. But for some reason, my mind is not listening. My mom dying from cancer was bad enough, but then I got blindsided by Cindy’s death.”

  Cindy was in San Francisco at the Macworld conference that day. During one of the breaks, she called Cedric and left a message saying she was enjoying the conference, she missed him, and was walking down the street to grab a quick lunch. Cedric calculated from the accident report she died about a minute after she’d left that voicemail message for him, hit and killed by a tourist who was driving while looking at a map.

  “Did you hear me?”

  “No.”

  “I asked you if you think of women in an intimate way.”

  “Of course. On the kitchen counter, the living room floor, in the shower. Wherever.”

  “That’s good.”

  “That’s not the issue, though. I’ve been tempted plenty of times. But a voice pops into my head that puts an end to everything before it begins. It tells me relationships equal pain. That’s what happened when I was talking with Ellie.”

  “Who’s that?”

  “A woman I met. We had some type of connection, I’m almost positive. But then I shut her down.”

  Michael nodded. “This is more common than you think. You know, sometimes it helps to put your focus on others, instead of thinking of yourself so much. What have you been doing lately for fun?”

  “Not much. But you know I enjoy my work.”

  “Yes and that’s good, but you need things outside of work, you know that. You may want to consider doing some volunteering. Even pickup tennis again.”

  “Funny you mention it, tennis has been on my mind.”

  “Do it then. Look, we have to wrap this up, but what I can leave you with is this: focus on things that will enhance your life. Focus on the positive things you love. It wouldn’t hurt picking up a book at the library, something on positivity maybe, or gratitude. Swing by and do yourself a favor. They may even need some volunteers over there for something. Kill two birds …”

  Cedric hadn’t been to the library in years. He had wonderful memories with his mom there. Great idea.

  “Sounds like a plan.” Cedric stood up and hugged him. “Thanks, man.”

  “You bet.”

  “What do I owe you?”

  Michael laughed. “Another round of golf?”

  “You got it. How many rounds do I owe you now?”

  “Six.” He grinned. “But who’s counting?”

  Chapter Six

  Cedric couldn’t remember the last time he’d set foot in the library, but he loved the feeling, surrounded by all of those books. He developed a love and appreciation for books at an early age and that helped him do well in school. He’s read hundreds and hundreds of books and even has a room in his house dedicated to just books.

  “Can I help you?” asked the impeccably dressed male clerk with a nametag that said Julio Cruz.

  “Yeah, do you have any volunteer opportunities?”

  “Yes, I think we do. You need to talk with Her Highness, Miss Peggy Fleming, the Branch Manager.”

  “Peggy—”

  “Obviously she’s not the Olympic ice skating champion Peggy Fleming, although she does kind of look like her. Anyway, she’s in charge of the volunteer programs and pretty much everything else under this hot tin roof.” Julio pointed to the woman at the desk with the giant globe. “That’s her over there sitting with her back to us, wearing the lovely two-piece Jaclyn Smith ensemble.”

  “Great, thanks.” Cedric wondered if he’d ever heard a man use the words “a lovely two-piece Jaclyn Smith ensemble.”

  He approached Peggy and cleared his throat.

  Peggy swung around and popped out of her seat like a Jack-in-the-box. “Hello!”

  Cedric was pretty sure she had enough energy to power all of the casinos in Las Vegas. Impressive, considering she must have been right around sixty or sixty-five years old. Her clothes and makeup were perfect, and she had a Jiffy Pop hairdo that defied gravity. She did look like the Peggy Fleming. Was she trying to make herself look like the woman on purpose or was it just a freaky coincidence? And how many Red Bulls had she had?

  “Did you have a question?”

  “I wanted to see if you had any volunteer opportunities.”

  “Absolutely! Please take a seat.” She grabbed a file from the top drawer of her desk as Cedric sat down and contemplated
her energy level.

  She handed Cedric the list of jobs. “This is what we have at the moment. There are two great opportunities that involve children. How are you with reading?”

  “The font’s small, but I can read it just fine.” He started in on the info on the paper.

  “No, no, no. I mean, would you feel comfortable reading out loud? To children?”

  “Oh.” He loved the idea of reading to them. His mother used to read to him every night before he went to bed. It was one of those things he always looked forward to, and he’s pretty sure that helped him shape him into who he is today. This volunteer opportunity sounded absolutely perfect. “Sounds great.”

  “Bless your heart.” She pointed to something on the list. “Then I think you would be perfect for the STAR program. It stands for storytelling and reading, which is just what it sounds like. You would be reading books and telling stories to children. You wouldn’t be trying to teach them to read. You’d be motivating them to want to learn to read. It would be wonderful to have a male role model since all of the readers are women.”

  “Do you have some sort of training or do you just throw me into the alligator tank?”

  Peggy laughed. “The training process is simple. I’ll even share techniques on how to make the stories come alive. You would need to commit to at least two hours per week for six months. A background check, fingerprinting, and TB test is required and provided by the library.”

  “Two hours doesn’t seem like much.”

  “Each reading is thirty minutes, so it’s not too much of a commitment.”

  “Count me in.” Cedric was excited about the chance to be involved. “I’d love to be a part of it.”

  “Fantastic! I’m Peggy, by the way. Peggy Fleming.”

  “Cedric Johnson. Nice to meet you.”

  “Nice to meet you too!” She pointed to the paper again. “Just go to this website here and fill out the online application and we’ll be in touch soon. Training for new volunteers is required, and we could start that next week, if you’d like.”

  “I don’t think it’ll be a problem. While I’m here, can you tell me if you have books on positivity or gratitude?

  “Absolutely! We even have some on meditation and yoga. In fact, I’m part of a meditation group if you’d like to join us sometime.”