Five Minutes Late: A Romantic Comedy

by Rich Amooi

“Well then …” He started the motorcycle. “I can’t help you.”

  “Did you do this?”

  Vlad got off of his bike and got in Cedric’s face. “You better watch your accusations, if you know what’s good for you. I have no problem taking you downtown and throwing you in a cell for a day or two.”

  Cedric opened his mouth and Vlad held up his index finger. “Don’t fuck with me.”

  Vlad turned back to his bike, swung his leg over it, revved the engine a few times, and took off.

  Cedric folded the ticket and tucked it in his pocket. “Unbelievable.”

  ***

  “What a jerk!” Ellie paced back and forth in front of her computer screen as Julio listened on the speakerphone.

  “Who?” asked Julio.

  “Cedric, the guy I had coffee with. Seriously, he deserves to be kicked in the balls.”

  “Ouch. Not the boys.”

  Ellie could not believe her eyes as she stared at Cedric’s online dating profile. The online dating profile of the man who said he didn’t date.

  “He lied to me! He has an online dating profile and it says right here he was on the website within the last twenty-four hours. He’s dating alright.”

  “Nothing wrong with that.”

  “Yeah, but he said he didn’t believe in it. How could you not believe in online dating anyway? Online dating exists, so you have to believe in it. You can choose to not participate in it. But since it exists, you have to believe. That’s like saying I don’t believe in the stars or the moon. Well, you know what? Look up in the sky. Do you see what I see?”

  “Oh, I love that song. So does Hugo.” Julio sang, “Said the night wind to the little lamb …”

  “He obviously believes in it because I can see his profile right here on my monitor.”

  “Do you see what I see?”

  “I’m pissed.”

  “Sounds like someone needs another spa day. Me too, I’m way overdue. Do you want me to book it?”

  “Oh God, what’s wrong with me? I’m a decent person. I’m not unattractive.”

  “You’re scorching hot, and believe me when I tell you, men notice.”

  “I don’t have anything sagging yet. I have a good heart. I do a couple of walk-a-thons every year for a good cause. That’s something, isn’t it?”

  “Definitely a spa day is needed. I’ll book it. Day or evening?”

  She continued to pace back and forth. “I must be a loser for him to lie to me like that.”

  “Evening, of course. It would be difficult to get away during the day.”

  “Are you listening to me?”

  “Yes. You’re a loser and that’s why he lied to you.”

  She swung around and stared at the speakerphone. “Hey!”

  “I’m kidding. I’ll tell you what I think. You like him. A lot.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Honey, it’s as plain as day and it’s sweet, but you know what? The giant woman with the mustache at the opera hasn’t sung yet. You have nothing to worry about. You’re smart and sexy and he’ll be back. And when he comes back, just say no.”

  “No?”

  “Trust me. No. That will make him want you even more.”

  “Maybe I don’t want him to want me.”

  “Yes you do. What’s Mr. Cedric’s last name?”

  “Johnson. Why?”

  Julio didn’t answer.

  Ellie stared at the phone. “Are you there?”

  “I remember him! He came into the library.”

  “Who?”

  “Your lover, Mr. Cedric Johnson.”

  “He’s not my lover. And what did you do, Google him?”

  “Of course I did, and I must say, he is de-li-cious. And guess what else?”

  “I don’t want to know.”

  “Yes you do.”

  “Okay, yes I do … just tell me then.”

  “This Cedric of yours—”

  “He’s not mine.”

  “Can I finish?”

  Ellie let out a loud breath. “Yes.”

  “Cedric is quite possibly the most generous person I almost know.”

  “I’m trying to hate him and you’re not helping. What did he do?”

  “He has a cherry farm in Gilroy.”

  “I already knew that. He also sells garlic.”

  “Yes, but back to the cherry farm. Did you know one hundred percent of the proceeds from the cherry sales go to a program he created called ‘Cherries for Children?’”

  “Okay. No, I didn’t know that.”

  Great. The lying bastard was a kind man.

  “Listen to this … every year, he picks a different organization to donate the proceeds to. Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Make-a-Wish Foundation. March of Dimes. Hey! Maybe you should start your own charity … March of Ellie. Then you can use the money to get your promotion.”

  “Not going to happen.”

  “And guess how much he donates.”

  Ellie let out another big breath. “Ten thousand.”

  “Not even close.”

  “One hundred and twenty-eight thousand dollars. And fifty cents.”

  “Half a million.”

  Ellie turned toward the phone. “Five hundred thousand dollars?”

  “Does that not make him amazing?”

  More than amazing. But Ellie didn’t answer.

  Julio spouted off some other things about Cedric he found online, and it got her thinking. Who was Cedric Johnson? Okay, so it looked like he had a generous side. That doesn’t mean he couldn’t have a bad side.

  “Did you hear me?” asked Julio.

  “What?”

  “I said you have to agree the man has some admirable attributes.”

  “Okay, maybe. But obviously, he’s not interested in me.”

  “Maybe he’s the answer to your fundraising problems. You need money. He’s got money. It’s the perfect fit.”

  “Not going to happen.”

  Ellie had never had so many conflicted feelings in her entire life. She just didn’t know what to think of Cedric. She liked him. She hated him. But Julio was right; he definitely had some positive qualities.

  “He rubbed me the wrong way,” she said.

  “At least you got a little rubbing in.”

  Ellie chuckled. Cedric was odd at times. “He’s got issues.”

  “Who doesn’t?”

  “Yeah, that’s what I told him.”

  Everyone had issues. Ellie knew she wasn’t perfect and some might say she was obsessed with the time, but she had her reasons. And what’s wrong with being on time?

  Nothing.

  “You need to ask him for money. A lot of it.”

  “No! Vlad used money to get whatever he wanted and I hated that. And I’m not going to lead Cedric on. He may just donate because he thinks he can get somewhere with me.”

  “And if he donated, would he get somewhere with you?”

  “No. Yes. I don’t know. But I’d feel like a hooker if I did it.”

  “That could be your new job title! Branch Manager Hooker. It’s got a nice ring to it.”

  Ellie laughed. “We need to hang out more often, Julio.”

  “I’ll be the sister you never had.”

  “Thanks, I feel better. In fact, I’m going to call Cedric on the online dating thing. Let’s see what he has to say.”

  Chapter Eight

  Piccadilly Pete’s had the best breakfast on the planet, and when Cedric found something he liked, he put it in a headlock, wrestled it to the ground, and never let go. That’s why just about every Wednesday for the last five years, Cedric has eaten a tofu scramble at Pete’s. Two hundred and thirty-nine tofu scrambles. Counting today … two hundred and forty.

  Pete Vestal, the owner, strolled over toward Cedric and smiled. “Cedric,” he said, slapping him on the back and glancing down at his plate. “Everything good today?”

  Cedric wiped his mouth and smiled. “You’re still batt
ing a thousand.”

  “That’s what I wanna hear. What happened to Tony today?”

  “He’s running late, I guess.”

  Pete laughed and slapped Cedric on the back again. “That’s a switch!”

  “Hey! I’m not late all the time.”

  “You’re right. Ninety percent of the time is not all of the time.”

  Cedric laughed and pointed to the front door after it swung open.

  Pete looked over toward Tony, walking in their direction. “Tell him the new waitress is off limits.”

  As Pete walked back to the kitchen, Tony slid into the booth across from Cedric. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  Tony raised the empty coffee cup and waved it in the air at the waitress. He grabbed a packet of sugar and held it in his hand. The waitress arrived with a pot of coffee and poured him a cup.

  Tony checked her out from head to toe. “You’re new.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You’re obvious.”

  Tony studied her for a few more moments. “And a personality too. Damn, we’re off to a good start.”

  “Pardon me?”

  “You ever heard of those stories where a man meets a woman and knows at that very minute, without a shadow of a doubt, he’s going to marry her one day?”

  She eyed his bright yellow shirt and brown shorts and smiled. “Listen SpongeBob, Pete warned me about you. He said you try to pick up on anything with boobs. He also said you had a small package and always complain about a burning sensation when you pee.” She burned a hole into both of Tony’s eyes as Cedric laughed. “Now, will you be eating something today or just dreaming?”

  Tony smiled. “You and me. Married. Mark my words.”

  “I’m going to mark them right now, if you’d just order …”

  “Stack of pancakes, but I want them burnt.”

  The waitress raised an eyebrow and wrote the order. “Pancakes … well done.”

  “No. Not well done. Burn them.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “I mean, burn the pancakes … as in ‘we should probably throw those away unless we can find some sucker who wants to eat them.’ I’m that sucker.”

  She looked over to Cedric.

  Cedric shrugged. “He thinks he got salmonella poisoning from undercooked pancakes. Just go with it.”

  “As you wish.”

  Tony smiled and watched the waitress walk away. “God.” His eyes traveled from her head down to her feet again. “So nice …”

  “I was told to tell you that she’s off limits.”

  “What? Pete said that?”

  Cedric nodded.

  “I shouldn’t be surprised considering the lies he told her. I don’t have a burning sensation when I pee. It’s more like a throbbing—”

  “I’m eating.”

  Tony glanced over toward Pete who wagged his finger at him. “That’s just not right. I’ve got a lot to offer her.”

  “Sure you do. And if you tell me how many inches, I’m going to switch tables.”

  Cedric watched Tony as he tore the sugar packet and added it to his coffee.

  “No, this is different. There’s something about her.”

  “Anyway, obviously you got my message.” Cedric was doing his best to change the subject.

  Tony stirred his coffee. “Yeah. Tell me about Mr. Chronic Fainter.”

  “Tofu found him during my morning jog. I thought he was dead.” Cedric stared at Tony, thought for a moment, and then decided to tell him. “I had another dream too.”

  “Oh God. Don’t tell me.”

  “This one was different.”

  “Right. Were you going to die?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “It’s the same thing. Jesus, I told you before, it’s a sign.”

  “I don’t believe in that.”

  “You’re possessed by demons.”

  “That again.”

  “I’m serious, cock sprocket.”

  “Asswipe.”

  “Dipshit.”

  “Nutsack.” Cedric was completely satisfied with his brotherly verbal exchange with Tony, ready to move on. “By the way, I haven’t heard from the Tax Collector yet, but I did do some research online and found out the county has switched to an online auction for seized properties. And I saw Papa George’s place on the list of upcoming auctions!”

  “Very cool. Just make sure you have a backup.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, you need to have a backup laptop and a backup wireless Internet source. I know how important this is to you. Imagine you’re bidding back and forth with someone and your computer crashes or you lose your Internet. That would suck donkey dick.”

  “Crap, I didn’t think of that.”

  “That’s why you pay me the big bucks. I have a better idea. I’ll be there with you with my laptop as the backup. I need the details ahead of time … day, time, website, item number, everything. Do you need to make a secure online payment?”

  “No. They only take cash or cashier’s check within a certain timeframe.”

  “Good. Hang on, here comes the bride.”

  The waitress returned, squared her shoulders, and stared Tony down. “The cook refuses to burn your pancakes. He doesn’t want to jeopardize the integrity and reputation of this establishment by delivering an inferior product.”

  “An inferior—”

  “Do you want them the way normal people eat them?”

  Tony smiled. “First of all, what’s your name?”

  The waitress hesitated and then spoke. “Maria.”

  Tony stared at the waitress for the moment. “Of course.”

  She placed her hands on her hips and tilted her head slightly. “What?”

  “You had to be Maria. Look at us. I’m Tony and you’re Maria, and we are Tony and Maria. Like from West Side Story. That’s romantic!”

  Maria sighed. “Tony died a bloody death in West Side Story. You think that’s romantic?”

  “Yes! They shared something special before he was shot. I want to be like him; I want to die in your arms.”

  “Ignore him,” said Cedric. “I do.”

  Maria studied Tony. “Are you going to stalk me?”

  Tony slapped the table with the palm of his hand. “This woman is a firecracker. And I love the way that apron wraps around her waist. I wish I was that apron.”

  “You do realize that I can hear you?”

  Tony laughed. “Oh man! See what you do to me?”

  “Sorry.” Cedric gestured to Tony. “He doesn’t get out much. He’ll be better once the sedatives kick in.”

  “You going to answer my question anytime soon?” asked Maria.

  “Sorry,” said Tony. “I was obviously distracted. What was the question again?”

  “I asked you if you wanted your pancakes the way the other seven billion people in the world eat them.”

  Tony looked over toward the kitchen at the cook, who was staring back at him. “Fine. But if I die …”

  Cedric watched Maria walked away. “You seriously think you’re going to get somewhere with her? You fall in love every other week. What’s different about this one?”

  “My hard-on feels different than the ones in the past. That’s the difference.”

  “Please don’t elaborate.”

  “What’s the problem?”

  “You’ve known that woman less than five minutes and she already hates you. She’s not putting in your order now. She’s probably online searching where to buy pepper spray.”

  Tony nodded. “Maybe so, but at least I’m trying. That’s more than I can say for you.”

  Cedric took a sip of his coffee and stared out the window. “Let’s not talk about it.”

  “I think we should.”

  “Man, you’re like one of those surprise birthday candles that doesn’t go out.”

  “You saying you want to blow me?”

  “I’m saying—” Cedric looked at Tony who had his ar
ms crossed, waiting. “Okay, I met a woman. Her name is Ellie.”

  “Now we’re getting somewhere! Where did you meet her?”

  “On the street corner.”

  “A hooker?”

  Cedric blinked twice. “You see? You can’t be serious for even a minute.”

  “Can too. Okay, tell me about her. What’s she like?”

  Cedric sighed. “She’s cool, she’s mysterious, she’s spunky, she’s intelligent, and she’s beautiful. Other than that, she’s no big deal.”

  “More importantly, when are you going out?”

  “We kind of already went out, sort of. We had coffee at Starbucks. One moment we were talking about her co-worker’s birthday and the next, she was desperate to find out what material my shirt was made of.” He took a bite of his food and thought about her. “It was the weirdest thing. She’s crazy, that’s got to be it. But I can’t get her out of my mind, so that makes me crazy too, right?”

  “I don’t see what the problem is.”

  “The problem is …” Cedric sighed. “I’m an idiot.”

  “No.”

  Cedric nodded.

  “You shut her down?”

  “Yeah, pretty much.”

  “Damn. You need to quit doing that, it’s time to move on.”

  “I’ve been telling myself that for a while now. Hopefully one day I’ll listen.”

  *****

  Cedric was looking forward to his volunteer training at the library. He’d had his background check and fingerprinting completed and was ready for the next step. The more he thought about it, the more excited he got.

  Cedric had fond memories of his mother reading to him and he knew how important it was for children. He loved so many of the classics: Cat in the Hat, James and the Giant Peach, Green Eggs and Ham, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Charlotte’s Web, and hundreds more. He just couldn’t get enough and was thrilled he was able to contribute to these kids’ lives and be a positive role model.

  He was running five minutes late, so he’d have to wait to apologize to Ellie. His first training session was simply to watch Peggy as she read a few short books to a small group of three to five-year-old kids. He snuck into the back of the room, and Peggy acknowledged him with a wink and a smile as he sat down.

  Behind Peggy, on the wall, was a poster with a quote from Dr. Seuss that said, “The more you read, the more you will know.”