Five Minutes Late: A Romantic Comedy

by Rich Amooi

  When the movie was over, Ellie and Julio both wiped their eyes and got up to stretch.

  “I love when Tom Hanks comes around the corner with his dog and Meg Ryan sees him,” said Ellie. “That part gets me every time.”

  “Me too,” said Julio.

  “Ben and Jerry’s?”

  “I think I love you.”

  “Yeah. I wish.”

  They laughed and Ellie went into the kitchen to get the ice cream. She came back a couple of minutes later with two big bowls of ice cream and two spoons. “You want to see who I’m going out with tomorrow night?”

  “Why are you still on that dating site? Go after Cedric.”

  “I have to keep my options open, and you know I don’t like to flake on people. Do you want to see my date or not?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay.” Ellie grabbed her laptop and set it on the coffee table in front of them. Her mouth was too full of ice cream to speak so she just pointed to the man on the screen. “Be nice.”

  “That’s him?”

  She nodded.

  Julio leaned forward and frowned. “Okay, this is not going to do. We need larger pictures.” He leaned forward and looked at the man. “Not bad, not bad. Although … I’m surprised you don’t have something on your list about toupees.”

  Ellie leaned in for a closer look. “You think that’s fake?”

  “Honey, his hair comes from a factory … or previously belonged to another person … or an animal. Guaranteed.”

  “No way, Julio Jose.”

  “Yes way, Ellie May.”

  She looked closer. “I don’t know, I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. Anyway, he seems interesting. He owns an import business, he likes animals …”

  “Especially that porcupine that’s keeping his head warm.”

  She laughed. “Stop. Let’s not judge him. He does match a lot of the things on my list that I’m looking for. So there.”

  “Speaking of which…” Julio stuck out his hand “I do need to see this infamous list.”

  Ellie got up and grabbed it from the end table and handed it to Julio. “Don’t laugh.”

  “I can’t promise that.” Julio glanced over the list and laughed.

  “Hey.” Ellie tried to grab the list back.

  Julio held it out of her reach. “Damn, girlfriend, I thought I was picky.”

  “Okay, give me the list.”

  “Number one … punctuality? I bet if you were to survey a thousand people, no, make that a million people, not one of them would have punctuality as their number one preferred trait in someone they wanted to meet. You have honesty at number two. Honesty below punctuality. Something is askew here.”

  “You know why.”

  “Yes, I know why, but your tardiness that day was not the reason for your mother’s death.”

  “Yes it was.”

  Julio held up his hand. “Okay, let’s not get into this again.”

  “I agree.” It was something Ellie did not like to discuss, so she was glad he dropped the subject so quickly this time.

  “What’s the latest on your fundraising?”

  “Peggy said she would update me soon, but I think I’m doing pretty well. I’ve sold forty-five bricks.”

  “Great!”

  Ellie smiled. “Now if I can just make it to a second date tomorrow with Jim. It’s my last shot at an extra five hundred from Grandpa Frank. Every bit helps.”

  “You can do it, girl!” Julio glanced at Ellie’s list again. “I do see a problem with a particular item here, though.”

  “What?”

  “You say you want a man with a full head of hair, but you don’t specify if the hair has to be real. That, my dear, is a big fat hairy discrepancy.”

  She lunged forward. “Give me the list!”

  The next evening, Ellie was ready for her fourth and final online date. If this date didn’t work out, she was going to go home, tear up her list, cancel her membership to the dating website, and become a nun … or a lesbian. Maybe Julio could give her advice on the latter.

  Fortunately, Jim seemed like he had the most potential out of all of the men she’d seen online. He was tall, attractive, ran a successful import business, volunteered at church, loved his mother, owned a dog, and matched most of the criteria on her list.

  Ellie met Jim at a cute French Restaurant in Mountain View. It was located inside of a converted Victorian home, and it was charming and romantic. The clock on the wall said six thirty on the dot when he walked in the door carrying a bag and some flowers.

  Right on time. So far, so good.

  He kissed Ellie on the cheek and handed her flowers.

  “They’re beautiful.” Ellie stuck her nose in them. “And they smell so wonderful.”

  “The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God will stand forever.”

  Did he just frigging quote the Bible?

  Strike one!

  She was pretty sure that was the fastest strike she has ever given.

  As they were escorted to their table, Ellie couldn’t help but notice Jim was carrying a bag. She admired the interior of the restaurant, the beautiful colors, the rattan bistro chairs, tables with cabriole legs, and the carved oak hutches against the wall. She glanced out the window at the fountain on the lawn, with its four small sprouting bronze lion heads. “I love this place. Great choice.”

  “Bless you, child.”

  Ellie raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry. Old habits are hard to break.”

  Ellie had no idea what he was talking about. She shifted her focus to the romantic setting and the good-looking man she had seated before her. He had dark brown wavy hair and wore a charcoal gray tailored Armani suit with an off-white dress shirt and platinum oval mother-of-pearl cuff links. His silky red tie was bold and gave him energy, not that he needed any more. Her eyes drifted back up to his hair. If it was fake, it was good quality.

  “I brought a bottle of wine, if you don’t mind the waiter opening it.”

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  Jim grabbed his bag from the floor, stuck his hand inside, and pulled out a bottle of wine, handing it to the waiter.

  The waiter smiled. “You’re aware of the corkage fee?”

  “Of course,” said Jim.

  “Great.” The waiter opened the bottle.

  Ellie shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t know much about wine. Even though I do enjoy it, I usually just get whatever the employee at Costco recommends.”

  “Not a problem. I took the liberty of pre-ordering the tasting menu for both of us when I arrived. I hope you don’t mind. We’ll get to sample a variety of things from the chef. Should be fun and tasty.”

  “That sounds wonderful.”

  She liked that Jim was a take-charge kind of guy and not indecisive like most men she knew. He seemed like a nice guy too, not too many issues. Heck, they’ve made it this far and he only had one strike against him.

  They raised their glasses and Jim smiled. “To life and love.”

  “Very nice. Cheers.” Ellie clinked his glass and raised the glass to her mouth, but Jim obviously wasn’t done with his toast.

  “Love is patient. Love is kind.”

  “Ain’t that the truth?” Ellie raised her glass again to her mouth.

  “It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud.”

  “Why would it be?” She was seriously ready to taste the wine.

  “It is not rude. It is not self-seeking.”

  “Thank God!” Were they in Bible study? Can a girl get a sip?

  “It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.”

  Ellie kept no record of anything. She was still trying to find some receipts she needed for this year’s taxes. But there might be a record of Jim’s death if she couldn’t have some wine and food soon. She tried to distract him from continuing. “I’m surprised the food isn’t here yet. Where’s our waiter?” She pretended to look around, but then lit up when she
saw the waiter actually walking their way with appetizers. “Speak of the devil.”

  Jim raised an eyebrow.

  “Sorry.”

  The waiter set the platter down on the table and pointed to the first two items. “Scallops over puff pastry with saffron and cream cheese, paired with our tortellini with garlic, cream, and porcini mushrooms. Enjoy.”

  “Oh we will!” Ellie reached for the spoon to serve herself, but before she could get her fingers on it, Jim grabbed her hand.

  “First let’s pray, Ellie.” He bowed his head and closed his eyes.

  She had nothing against prayer, but…in the middle of a romantic restaurant?

  Strike two!

  “Dear Father, Lord Jesus, you are my light, my savior, my love, my life …”

  Ellie reluctantly closed her eyes and felt guilty, thinking she hadn’t been to church since the sixth grade. Who knows when her last confession was? Maybe this was her punishment.

  Payback is a bitch!

  “Thank you for bringing us together on this absolutely perfect evening. It never ceases to amaze me, your daily miracles. I know I’m a miracle. Ellie is a miracle too.”

  Ellie was sure it would be a miracle if they got a chance to sample the food before midnight.

  “Please bless this food and use it to nourish our bodies.”

  I could use some of that nourishment right now, God. I’m starving over here!

  She opened her right eye slightly to peek at the platter on the table while Jim continued his mini-sermon. Her stomach growled and she placed her free hand on her stomach, as if such a gesture would actually stop the noise. Nice try, the growling got louder and louder.

  “You are the master, the messiah, the mediator, the minister, the messenger …”

  She couldn’t take it any longer. Ellie opened her eyes and quickly used her free hand to grab one of the puff pastries, jamming it in her mouth. She chewed quietly, but at a good pace. How divine, how delicious. She tried to chew faster since she had a feeling Jim was wrapping up his evening service and would be passing around the collection basket soon.

  Just a few more chews, a swallow, and … done.

  Wonderful.

  And there it was … complete satisfaction. Incredible. That should hold her off for a few more minutes. She smiled and enjoyed the wonderful taste in her mouth.

  “In Jesus’ name … Amen.”

  “Amen!” Ellie clinked his glass, took a sip of wine, and piled the food on her plate. At least if things went anymore south from here, she would have been able to enjoy something.

  Jim smiled. “You like food, that’s good. One day, God willing, you’ll be eating for more than one.”

  She nearly choked. “Yes.” She stabbed the next pastry puff with her fork and wondered if this was another guy obsessed with having babies. Was he related to Chuck the Buck?

  “I saw in your profile that you were never married, which is great.”

  “Oh? Why is that?” She wanted him to continue to talk while she stuffed her face.

  “I recently realized that marriage was important to me. I quit the priesthood because I found out that I did not want to take a vow of celibacy after all.”

  She nearly choked again on her food, this time more violently, and had to bang on her own chest to get some of it to go down. “You were a priest?”

  “Yes. Are you all right? You’re turning red.”

  “I’m fine.” She chewed the rest of the food in her mouth and then drained her glass of wine. “Please continue.” She held out her glass, knowing he’d be smart enough to get the hint. He grabbed the bottle of wine and filled her glass.

  “I put in a lot of time with my studies. Eight years with the seminary after high school. Then six months as a deacon. Once I was ordained, I thought I was where I was supposed to be in life. Something was still missing, though. And when the bishop saw me at a weekend retreat looking at a woman’s behind after she dropped her pen, it was over. I was never placed with a parish. Everything happens for a reason, and I now believe the reason was … I needed to have a woman in my life. I’m hoping that woman is you, Ellie.”

  “Wow, that’s … amazing.” She eyed the tortellini. “Especially after you dedicated so much time.” She forked three pieces of tortellini and put them in their proper place. Her mouth. She wanted to eat as much as possible in case she had to make an abrupt exit.

  “I was attracted to your profile when I saw your picture, Ellie, but also saw you were never married.”

  “No. Never.” She forked more tortellini fearing strike three was rapidly approaching.

  “Never felt the need or never met the right person?”

  “Never met the right person.”

  “Good, good, good. No long term boyfriends either?

  “No.” She wondered where he was going with this.

  He smiled. “Good, good, good. Look, I need to ask you something very important.”

  Oh God, please no. I have a bad feeling about this. Please don’t ask me anything. If you do, it will probably mean strike three. Can’t I at least get to the main entree on a date? Can’t you see how skinny I am? I want to eat more food.

  “Ellie?”

  She held her breath. “Yes?”

  “Even though I gave up the priesthood, I still have certain values, so I need to know.”

  “Yes?”

  “Are you a virgin?”

  Strike three!

  “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. But before we proceed any further with things, I hope you won’t be offended if I have my doctor check your hymen. You know, just to make sure everything’s still intact.”

  It certainly was a sight to see. Too bad there wasn’t anybody there to capture it with a camera; it would have easily made one of the top videos on YouTube.

  Wine shot out of Ellie’s mouth and nose like a geyser, spraying the table, the food, the flowers, the floor, the curtains, the passing waiter, and Jim’s Armani suit.

  She grabbed her napkin and jumped up to pat dry his face. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t do that on purpose.”

  “I hope not.”

  “But if you must know, I’m not a virgin. I’m thirty-one years old and it shouldn’t be a surprise to you.”

  “I was just hoping.”

  “I’m going to go. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”

  Twenty minutes later, Ellie was at home on the couch in her pajamas with a cup of tea in her hand, thinking about the disaster that was her dating life. She had come to the conclusion she was trying too hard.

  Way too hard.

  From now on, she wasn’t going to force things. Wasn’t going to be so picky with that damn list. In fact, she was going to tear it up, but she’d wait and give Grandpa Frank the honor. Maybe this was happening because she was supposed to give Cedric a shot.

  Of course. Her thoughts returned to him.

  Damn him.

  Even when she was on dates with other men, she had thought of him occasionally. That had to mean something.

  The phone rang and Ellie grabbed it from the coffee table and checked the ID. Grandpa Frank must have ESP; he always knew when she needed to talk.

  “Hi, Grandpa.”

  “Hi, sweetie. Are you doing okay?”

  “You knew I needed to talk!”

  “… Of course.”

  “Well, it was another bad date, but it’s not the end of the world, right?”

  She waited for a response from him.

  “Are you there?” she asked.

  “Yes. It’s just … you didn’t check your messages?”

  “No. I saw the light blinking, but I wanted to get out of my clothes and … why?

  “I’ll be right over.”

  “Okay.” She was confused. “See you soon.”

  Ellie hung up and stared over at the answering machine. Grandpa Frank didn’t sound like his normal jovial self. Something was wrong.

  She stood and walked over to the answering machine whe
re five messages awaited her. She rarely had messages on her home phone. What was even odder was the first four messages were hang-ups—the person or persons didn’t even leave a message. The fifth and final message would explain everything.

  “Hi, Ellie, this is Ranger Warren Viders from Yellowstone. I tried calling a few times today, but was unable to reach you live.”

  Now she knew where the hang-ups were from, but Ellie didn’t like the tone of the man’s voice. Something happened.

  “I feel bad leaving this information on your machine, but you needed to know as soon as possible. Your brother, Derek, ran his car off the road and crashed into a tree.”

  Oh God. She backed up slowly, leaned against the wall, and stared at the machine.

  “And … he didn’t make it.”

  Ellie felt a painful tightness in her throat as a tear fell, landing on her slipper. She slid down the wall until her butt hit the floor, continuing to stare at the machine.

  “Derek and I had become good friends over the last couple of years and I’m in shock right now. I can’t imagine how you are feeling, and it pains me to call you and tell you this with a message. I left a message for your grandfather as well, since Derek had listed you both as emergency contacts. Please call me when you can so we can make some decisions. I’m so sorry, Ellie.”

  A minute later, Grandpa Frank entered, his eyes red. “My princess,” he said, holding out his arms for her. Ellie jumped up and fell into his embrace, squeezing him, not wanting to let him go.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It had been four days since “the Slap Heard Around the World.” Cedric had left Ellie four messages on her cell phone this week, but she hadn’t returned any of his calls. What she didn’t know was he wasn’t going to give up so easily. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed Michael as he stood in front of the library.

  “Hey,” said Michael. “I’ve only got a minute. What’s happening?”

  “Oh, just staring at the front door of the library.”

  “Another training?”

  “No, not today. I’m here to ask Ellie out.”

  “Man, you’ve got some serious balls.”

  “I’m not giving up. There’s something between us. I can feel it.”

  “And can you still feel that slap?”

  Cedric had to admit it was a damn good slap—it was a surprise he didn’t have a permanent hand-mark on his face. But he knew the truth and how she felt. “She kissed me back. She leaned into me and enjoyed it just as much as I did. Well, okay, maybe not as much. That was the best kiss of my life.”