Dick by Law

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  "You seem to have struck a nerve," said Corbett. "Several organizations have sprung up, calling for dick identification."

  "Wow," said TV Simon. "I didn't know there were organizations."

  "There's been talk of a national dick registry," said Nan. "What do you think of that?"

  TV Simon nodded. "I do think there's value in widespread identification of dicks. A national registry is a good first step in deterring dicklike behavior."

  "Well, the movement certainly seems to be picking up steam," said Nan.

  In the mirror and on the bed, Simon kissed Ishi's rosebud lips. He stroked her thighs softly with his fingertips, skating ever higher on the plane of her pale, tender flesh.

  It was then that she reached for him and pulled him toward her.

  "Ishi, what do you think of all this?" said Corbett. "Is Simon moving in the right direction?"

  "There's no doubt in my mind," said TV Ishi. "I believe one man can change things for the better, and Simon is that man."

  Non-TV Simon cried out as she pulled him inside her. His mind flooded with cascades of pure pleasure.

  "Let me play devil's advocate for a minute," said Nan. "Aren't we all villains at some time or another, to some one or another? Isn't it possible, if a dick registry gets rolling, that no one will not be on the list?"

  "I think it's a matter of establishing clear criteria for dicktitude," said TV Simon, "and empowering a regulatory agency to vet each selection."

  "This won't bog down the process?" said Nan.

  "If properly implemented," said TV Simon, "I think it could speed things up."

  On the bed and in the mirror, Simon and Ishi moved faster and faster, bodies crashing together in wild pulsation. They cried out again and again in keening delirious joy that intensified with each brilliant second.

  "So what you're saying," said Corbett, "is that the way to a more civilized society is by institutionalizing the use of derogatory obscenity?"

  "Why not?" said TV Simon. "We have a precedent now, so let's strike while the iron's hot."

  Non-TV Simon and Ishi worked harder on the bed, blind to their surroundings, deaf to the TV interview that had gotten them so turned on in the first place.

  "This could be the start of a drive for something better," said TV Simon.

  "And you don't anticipate a backlash?" said Corbett. "You don't think this plan will encounter resistance?"

  TV Simon shook his head. "I think this is just what people have been waiting for."

  It was then, just then, that Simon and Ishi finally got where they were going. Together, they exploded in a burst of swirling ecstasy.

  And slowly, ever so slowly, they started the long, sweet drift back down to Earth.

  *****

  Chapter 21

  The Next Day

  "Blow my mind," said Jim Gable, the acquisitions editor for Lightborne Books. "Surprise me."

  Simon cleared his throat. He tried not to think about the fact that he was sitting across from a publishing big shot at a table in one of the most exclusive restaurants in Manhattan.

  This was the other reason he'd come to New York--the meeting with a high-stakes V.I.P. player. If things went well, Simon might actually walk away from lunch with a book deal.

  All he had to do was make a good impression. "I'm thinking of a combination memoir, manifesto, and anti-dick handbook." Smiling, he reached for his water glass and took a sip from it.

  "Very nice." Gable fiddled with his black-framed glasses, which he was always adjusting. He was an impeccably groomed middle-aged man with silver hair and a skeletal face, all bones and beak and hollows. "I like the three-pronged approach."

  "We were thinking of adding a pop-up feature." Simon shrugged. "But maybe that'd be pushing our luck."

  Gable laughed loudly, and people looked over from nearby tables. "A pop-up feature in a dick book. Now that's genius."

  Glad the joke had worked, Simon relaxed a little. Looking around at the people who'd been watching Gable laugh, he saw that they were all looking elsewhere. They all looked like movers or shakers to him, right down to the custom-tailored suits on the men and the elegant, chic outfits and enormous jewelry on the women. "There'll be plenty of humor, of course. We want the book to be very accessible, to get our message across."

  "Tell me more." Gable bent to slurp a spoonful of wild mushroom soup from a fine china bowl.

  "We'll include a guide to dick spotting," said Simon. "Plus this special bonus: legally designate the dick of your choice with our helpful step-by-step instructions!"

  Gable chuckled. "Now there's something we can market."

  "It's all about making the world a better place," said Simon. "We already know about global warming. Now let's take on global dicking."

  Gable laughed again. "Title?"

  "'Dicked Off,'" said Simon. "'No More Dicking Around, America.'"

  "Great!" Gable nodded enthusiastically. "That's great stuff! You've sold me, Simon!"

  "Thanks." Simon smiled. "I'm glad you like it."

  "Are you kidding?" Gable raised his glass of chardonnay. "I'm ready to make a deal."

  "Let's do it." Simon's heart pounded with excitement. Just one day after appearing on the US A.M. show, he was about to make a book deal with an editor from a major New York publishing house.

  "What does your agent have to say about all this?" said Gable.

  "I say show me the contract," said Ishi.

  Simon grinned. Ishi was the complete package: girlfriend, traveling companion, interview partner, and now literary agent. It turned out she knew a lot about the business from growing up the daughter of a famous mangaka comic book creator.

  "I'll send it to your hotel this afternoon," said Gable. "We're ready to move quickly on this."

  Ishi nodded. "We'll need time to review the terms."

  "Of course." Gable finished his soup and dropped the spoon in the bowl with a clink. "May I ask if you're meeting with any other publishers while you're in town?"

  Ishi remained coolly enigmatic. "We do have a busy schedule today and tomorrow."

  Gable raised an eyebrow. "But you'll make time to look over the contract and get back to me."

  "We're on the same page, Mr. Gable." Delicately, Ishi raised her teacup and had a sip.

  "Let me know if there are any developments, will you?" said Gable. "If you need any additional information."

  "Thank you," said Ishi. "We'll do that."

  Simon gazed at her in wonder. She'd been right about everything. She'd told him before the meeting that Gable didn't much care what the book was about, as long as it had Simon's name on it and the word "dick" in the title. She'd also said Gable would pay plenty to strike while the iron was hot, before Simon's notoriety faded.

  "So when will you expect the manuscript?" said Ishi.

  Gable grinned. "To be honest, we'd like it tomorrow."

  Simon's eyes flew wide open. "Excuse me?"

  "But we're prepared to wait," said Gable. "A little while. Two weeks would be ideal."

  Simon was about to say something about how two weeks wasn't much better than overnight...butIshi kicked him under the table, and he kept his mouth shut.

  "Not a problem," said Ishi. "Assuming we're compensated for the short turnaround."

  "I think we can work something out," said Gable.

  Ishi leaned forward and stared intently at Gable. "Just out of curiosity," she said, "are we talking high six figures here?"

  Gable leaned forward, too. "More like mid. How does that grab you?"

  "That depends on how the rest of our trip goes," said Ishi. "I can't predict the future."

  "I don't suppose you'll tell me where you're going next?" said Gable.

  "Straight to the top." Ishi's eyes sparkled as she met Simon's gaze. "That's all I can tell you."

  *****

  Chapter 22

  130 Million Years Ago

  China

  The sun was at its highest, and so was the heat of the
day. Grip was still racing along on the trail of the six killer dinosaurs. He hadn't rested since leaving home, and he had no plan to do so. All he could think about was revenge.

  Panting, he chased the killers' trail through a clearing in the forest, pushing harder to get out of the direct sunlight as fast as he could. The sun's heat sizzled down from above, baking the mottled brown and white fur on his back, making him pant harder and feel more tired.

  Then, suddenly, the heat stopped. So did the light.

  All at once, the forest around him went dark. Without warning, day became night.

  Grip froze in his tracks. His red-tipped ears perked and swiveled, listening for signs of danger, but he found only silence. The screeching, howling, yelping, chattering creatures around him had stopped making noise just as suddenly as the sun had stopped making light. It was as if, like Grip, they were all standing still, listening for danger. Listening for whatever had killed the sun to come and kill them, too.

  Was it coming? If it was, Grip couldn't hear or smell it. His eyes adjusted quickly to the dark, but all they showed him were tree trunks, weeds, and dirt.

  He turned his eyes skyward, looking for the sun. All he saw was a thin ring of dim light, as if the sun had been cut out of the sky, leaving only this last trace behind.

  Grip looked back down to earth, watching the trees and undergrowth for any sign of further disaster. He saw no movement, not even leaves stirring in a breeze.

  A new thought entered his mind then. Everything had gone still and silent like his dead mate and pups; what if everything, then, was dead like they were?

  And what if Grip himself was dead, too?

  As he waited, crouching in the forest, the darkness and silence lingered. He sniffed the air, testing for anything strange, anything dangerous.

  Nothing.

  Then, all of a sudden, Grip caught a whiff of something familiar. Something faint and sweet, something with fur.

  Grip's head jerked to one side, then the other, trying to follow the scent to the source. It smelled near, so very near, but he saw nothing. Heard nothing.

  There it was again, right next to him, right there...but no. Nothing there when he looked.

  Grip turned in a circle, staring all around him, but all he saw was forest. He was completely alone in the darkness.

  Except he wasn't. Suddenly, he felt something brush against him, and the familiar scent flared up stronger than ever. He breathed the scent deeply...and realization washed over him.

  All at once, Grip recognized the scent. He knew whom it belonged to, and his heart quickened.

  Hopping in rapid circles, he looked everywhere but saw nothing. Where was she? The one so familiar, the one who'd brushed against him.

  Where was his mate?

  The scent surged all around him then, and he thought he felt her presence. She pressed against his flank, and he knew it was her. Everything was familiar...except for the cold. There was no heat in her body.

  In spite of the cold, Grip pressed himself against her in return, longing to feel the familiar contours of her body. Without wondering how she'd come to be there or why, he reveled in her presence. He forgot all about the six killer dinosaurs and his hunger for vengeance.

  Then, the world brightened once more.

  Light filtered through the branches of the pines and fir trees, dim gray at first but steadily intensifying. The gray light brightened, shifting to pale yellow and then blazing gold. Sunbeams pierced the forestscape, flashing to life around Grip, projecting glowing spots on the mucky ground.

  And she was gone. Just like that, his mate was no longer with him. He couldn't feel or smell her anywhere.

  Frantically, Grip nosed through the undergrowth, rummaging for a fresh trace of her...finding nothing. Whining, he prodded and probed the leaf litter and muck, straining to pick up her trail. But no.

  She was gone.

  And the world, just like that, was back to normal. The forest creatures resumed screeching and howling as if nothing unusual had happened. The heat of the day shot back toward its roasting peak. Bodies thrashed and scampered through the brush, chasing or being chased.

  And all of the bodies were warm.

  Perhaps, if Grip were a different kind of animal with a different kind of mind, he might have wondered at the significance of what he'd just witnessed. The sudden darkness in the middle of the day and the visitation of the dead might have given him pause. Might have made him question the road he was on.

  But Grip wasn't that kind of animal. When he'd given up scouring the brush for a trace of his mate, he sat for a moment and rested at the edge of the clearing. Panting, he squinted up at the sun, mysteriously restored to life after its seeming death.

  Then, he caught the scent of the six killers, wafting on the gently rolling breeze. With a growl, he got back on his feet and set out after them again.

  All that mattered was the trail before him, fading but still true in the curling steam rising from the broiling forest floor.

  *****

  Chapter 23

  130 Million Years Later

  The Empire State Building

  New York City

  Hours after their meeting with the book editor, Simon and Ishi went straight to the top, just as Ishi had said they would--the top of the Empire State Building.

  Wrapped in each other's arms, they gazed at the twinkling lights of Manhattan from the building's observation deck. Other visitors stood and wandered all around them, talking and laughing and snapping photos...but Simon and Ishi might as well have been alone. Simon felt like they were in their own private little world, looking down at the distant city far below.

  He held her close, breathing in the sweet scent of perfume from her hair and the back of her neck. Ishi turned and kissed him softly on the lips. Her expression was so full of tenderness, he felt a wave of loving warmth roll through him.

  As she turned back to the view, he held her more tightly than ever. It was a perfect moment, maybe the most perfect moment in Simon's life. A full moon hung against the sky's velvet blackness, bathing him and Ishi in its silver glow. A slow, cool breeze ribboned through the cage around the deck, toying with Ishi's dark, silky bangs. Lights glowed in all directions like a sea of flickering stars folded over the Earth, intercut with ever-flowing rivers of dancing headlight beams.

  All was right with the world. Simon and Ishi had just made a book deal in the high six figures. A day ago, they'd appeared on the top-rated morning T.V. show in America. Last night, they'd made love for the first time.

  And now here they were, in each other's arms on the deck of the Empire State Building, far above Manhattan. It felt magical. It felt like a new beginning.

  For a long moment, the two of them watched the twinkling nighttime cityscape and didn't say a word. Simon slid around to stand beside her, drawing her tight against him with an arm around her shoulders.

  "This is incredible," said Simon. "Everything...all of it. If it turns out to be a dream, I swear I'm gonna be so pissed."

  "As long as we don't wake up, what's the difference?" Ishi shrugged.

  "That's true," said Simon. "Some people think reality's just a dream anyway."

  Ishi took a deep breath and slowly released it. "I could stay up here forever, Simon. With you holding me, and kissing me, and talking."

  "Me, too." Simon watched the blinking lights on a distant helicopter flitting over the inky skyline. He thought about the strange turns of events that had led him here, free of gravity, spinning through the unknown, and he wondered where life would lead him next.

  "So here we are," said Ishi.

  Simon kissed her hand. "This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

  "I vote we see where it leads us," said Ishi.

  Simon kissed her on the lips. The kiss intensified, and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he saw that things were changing.

  The sea of lights was going out.

  "What the hell?" As Simon watched, a
wave of darkness flowed over the city, snuffing out one great swath of lights after another.

  Ishi looked, too. "Must be a rolling blackout."

  The wave of darkness continued to flow, claiming more of the city. When it passed the Empire State Building, the lights on the observation deck flickered out around Simon and Ishi. Fortunately, the moon and stars were bright enough that they could still see.

  "The power ought to come back on soon," said Ishi.

  "That would be nice," said Simon. "Otherwise, it'll be a long walk down."

  Ishi laughed. "At least the walk will be down, not up."

  Simon smiled and kissed her again. "In the meantime, I'm not really in that much of a hurry."

  She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him back. "It is romantic, isn't it?"

  "Here we are in the middle of Manhattan," said Simon. "In the middle of a blackout. And we're trapped up here on the Empire State Building...together." He ran a fingertip over her rosebud lips. "It doesn't get much more romantic than that."

  The two of them kissed for a long time after that, neither paying much attention to anything but each other. It was as if they were the only two people in the world.

  Simon pushed everything out of his mind but Ishi. He didn't care when the power was coming back, and he didn't care when they were getting back down to street level. As far as he was concerned, the blackout was the best thing that could have happened that night.

  It never occurred to him that the sudden darkness, like an eclipse, might be considered an omen of dark times to come.

  *****

  Chapter 24

  The Next Day

  Melville, Pennsylvania

  A day later, after returning from New York City, Simon walked in the door of his house to find a pissed-off Quinn waiting for him.