Angst

by Victoria Sawyer

  “What would you do if Nick came on to you again?” Amanda asks, breaking the silence, looking over at me with a grin.

  “I’m honestly not sure. I still kind of want to do him, although I know he’s an ass.”

  “Skank,” teases Amanda, her mouth hitching up on one side into a sly grin. “What about Jared? I know he hasn’t called, but are you still holding out for him?”

  “Well, yeah, I am. It’s like we keep getting thrown together and for a while there I thought maybe he was into me…now I’m not sure. I really thought he would call me, but he hasn’t.”

  “I don’t know, Vic, I think he’s definitely into you. There must be some other reason that you’re not aware of and that’s why he doesn’t call or make the moves on you.”

  “I wish you were right. But what the hell is his problem?”

  “I don’t know, sometimes guys are more complicated then we give them credit for. Then again, often they’re a lot more simple! I know I’m always trying to add emotional depth to everything a guy does, when the truth is a lot easier,” says Amanda laughing.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right,” I reply, “I just wish I knew what it was cause it definitely seems like I should just accept the fact that he doesn’t want me.”

  The party is small and intimate and I feel immediately on edge as I step inside the glass door to Amanda’s apartment and spot Nick as one of the guests. He’s looking particularly sexy and confident in a fitted polo t-shirt over a long sleeved tee, the collar popped, his crossed arms forcing his biceps to bulge. His short dirty blonde hair is, purposely messy and his expression is his usual look of utter boredom and arrogance, as if he’s the most awesome thing in the room.

  It’s weird because I’ve spent so much time avoiding him that honestly I haven’t really dealt with the fact that he hurt my feelings and the physical attraction is still there even though I know he isn’t the kind of guy I want to be with. And here he is, on his way to drunk and rowdy, if the shots he’s taking with two other guys from the store are any indication, and it’s definitely going to be awkward because there aren’t that many other people at the party.

  “Victoria!” calls Anne from the kitchen, walking up to pull me in for a quick hug as Amanda and I walk into the living room. “Glad you could make it,” she says immediately indicating with her always-present and excitable hand motions that she wants to be introduced to my friend.

  “This is Amanda,” I say. “We’ve been friends forever, basically since we were born. Amanda hit me over the head with this heavy old-fashioned telephone when we were just babies,” I say giving Amanda a look. Amanda smiles back, acting innocent on all charges and Anne’s mouth pulls up into a quirked grin, her eyes sparkling with mischief, holding her hand out to greet Amanda.

  “Now it all makes sense, Amanda,” she says, rolling her eyes in my direction, mouthing the words ‘brain-dead.’

  “Real funny,” I reply with a playful glare. Anne gives us the quick tour of her small apartment for Amanda’s sake and then shows us the variety of alcoholic beverages she has on hand. There are bottles of hard alcohol with soda to mix, wine, beer and even some MD 20/20 which has to be the nastiest beverage I’ve ever tasted, if I remember correctly from a party a year or so before. At the time, I hadn’t cared what it tasted like because it was available.

  Now I’m much more sophisticated, I think with a laugh, imagining the nasty Keystone Light I’ve been indulging in lately. Amanda and I pick out a beverage each and follow Anne into the living room where four guys and three girls are lounging around talking and drinking. Nick immediately looks up as I walk in, flashing me a quick little sexy grin, the kind he always used to use when he was trying to charm me. I force a smile back, but don’t say anything. He looks away, continuing his conversation with the guys around him. He certainly doesn’t seem too ill at ease. Damn him.

  “Hey, Victoria,” says Michelle, one of my friends from the booth who is sitting with Chrissy, the girl who had introduced me to Nick over the summer when he called on the in-store phone.

  “Hey girlssss,” I reply with a smile, drawing Amanda over with me to where they are sitting at the small kitchen table away from the guys taking shots. Sitting with them is Ben from the store who works in the produce department. He’s the sweetest guy, but simply not someone I could ever be interested in romantically. We’ve had some good conversations during break periods, though. I smile at Ben and introduce Amanda who immediately seems shy. Maybe there’s some match-making in order tonight.

  Soon, Ben has charmed Amanda with his casual manner and they fall easily into conversation as I make small talk with the girls, following up on stories that we shared the last time we worked together. After a few moments of talking to Michelle, I notice that Chrissy is desperately trying to get my attention. I smile at her and she motions me to her side, her short curly brown hair bobbing as she jerks her head. I look at her quizzically, not sure what she wants to tell me, but she certainly looks like she has a secret to share, her eyes glinting, a knowing smile playing over her lips.

  “What?” I ask with a smile, pulling up a chair next to her. Her mouth turns up at the corners and I lean in to hear what she has to say.

  “Nick and Jess broke up,” she says pulling back to look me in the eyes, lips turned up into a huge grin.

  “Really?” I ask, rolling my eyes with a little smile, a bit wary of this information. Nick cheated on me with Jess and they’ve been dating since the summer.

  “Yeah, but that’s not the best part. I guess she cheated on him!” she says with a snort, her gaze moving toward Nick on the couch talking with a few guys from the store. I laugh back, surprised, but actually kind of pleased that Nick’s girlfriend had treated him the same way he treated me. He deserved it!

  “I like that he got a taste of his own medicine, Chrissy,” I say with another laugh, looking in Nick’s direction too. He’s leaned back on the couch like he owns the place, his feet up on the coffee table, his blonde hair messy yet sexy, playing some kind of drinking game with the other guys, starting to get raucous. He looks completely comfortable in his own skin, confident, not someone who has been recently burned.

  “Are you sure? He looks fine to me,” I whisper, turning back to Chrissy’s wide-eyed smiling face.

  “I’m positive. Trust me, I’m sure he’s eaten up inside with it. Although maybe it was gonna end anyway. Still, cheating has to burn the cheater when it happens to him.”

  “Oh man, that’s fuckin poetic! Who did she cheat with anyway? Do you know?”

  Chrissy starts laughing hysterically at this question, her eyes watering, barely able to contain herself.

  “What, tell me!” I say, looking over at her, slapping her on the arm to get her to spill the beans. “Come on, Chrissy!”

  “God, it’s funny,” she says, still laughing, her chest heaving to bring in much needed air. “Wait for it Vic…Wait for it…” she says, gripping my arm to up the suspense. “She cheated with the manager, Mr. Johnson!” she says in a rush under her breath as the guys on the couch turn to look in our direction at her loud laughter. I gasp and then start sniggering again. Mr. Johnson is the young pole-thin manager of the grocery department. He is Jess’ boss.

  “Wow, Nick must be wicked pissed. That’s fucking awesome,” I whisper with pleasure, unable to stop the huge smile that is kidnapping my face. Mr. Johnson definitely isn’t a prize, so it must have made Nick really mad when Jess cheated on him with someone less than desirable. I look down in my cup, the contents are already gone. My habit of guzzling has already made itself apparent. I need a new drink. Thank God the nerves haven’t been too bad tonight.

  “I gotta get a new drink,” I say, getting up from my seat to head toward the kitchen, thinking pleasantly about Nick’s anger when he found out his girlfriend had been cheating with Mr. Johnson. I would never sleep with nasty Mr. Johnson. Gross! I smirk, imagining his stick thin body, his thinning, greased back hair.

  When I’m
almost through the door I look back over my shoulder and notice that Nick has gotten up from his seat too and is strolling toward the kitchen. He smiles at me, a quirked little grin, like we share some kind of sexy secret. I groan inside, all I need right now is for Nick to think he can commiserate with me over his cheating girlfriend. Inside the kitchen I quickly grab some vodka and soda and start mixing myself a drink as Nick comes up behind me.

  “Hey, Vicky,” he says, his husky voice silky smooth as he leans next to me at the kitchen counter. He smells like alcohol and cologne and his blue eyes are summer day brilliant. He’s sexy, yet dangerous, and I’m remembering how he really wanted to have sex with me as we fooled around on his bed, his smell bringing it all back with vivid force. The memory reminds me of the strength in his arms tightening around me, his lips on mine, his sexy little half smile.

  “Hi,” I reply, not sure how to act around him, not sure I really want to start any kind of conversation. He easily lifts the full heavy handle of vodka with a finger, his forearm muscles moving beneath the skin and starts pouring it into his cup. I can tell he’s already buzzed.

  “You’re looking good,” he says, eyeing me and then turning back to his glass. I smile reluctantly, although partially pleased that he might still find me attractive.

  “Thanks, Nick,” I say wearily, not willing to flirt with him. I’m almost finished with my drink and need to make a hasty get away as soon as possible.

  “You know,” he says conversationally, looking over at me for a second, his, oh so sincere, eyes resting on mine as he innocently (yeah right) reaches across my body for the soda bottle on my other side, casually brushing his arm against my chest in my low cut top, “We never really officially broke up. I guess that means that technically we’re still together.” He pulls his arm back slowly, his knuckles grazing my skin, grinning sideways at me, his eyes sparkling in that bad boy way.

  “Yeah I guess that’s true,” I say snidely with a little smile, backing away from him one step at a time, “but I guess that also means I’ve cheated on you a lot since then. Sorry, Nick. I didn’t mean to add to your growing list of cheating girlfriends.” I grin at him provocatively and back out of the kitchen as he bares his teeth back, his grin telling me he finds me vicious-hilarious, but I can also tell he isn’t willing to let the conversation stop there.

  He follows me back into the living room, his eyes following me all night as I chat with the group, laughing, enjoying myself. I don’t really address myself to him at all. What can I possibly say to a guy I find physically attractive, but who I know is a complete jerk? I’m pathetic, though, because I still kind of want him. Physically. Physically I want to touch him, kiss him, feel the pounding of my traitor heart when he touches me. Damn, damn, damn.

  Later that night Anne’s phone rings and with a cry of delight she says hello. After she’s done talking she throws it on the counter and jumps up, her face alight with excitement.

  “My friend Seth is stopping by with some grass!” she sings, as she ambles to the kitchen to pour herself another drink. “He’s wicked freakin funny, too, I just love this guy. I can’t wait for you guys to meet him.”

  After pouring herself another drink she turns on some music and the girls and I start dancing in the dim area behind the couch. We’re all pretty drunk at this point, our inhibitions gone as we move, not caring that the guys are watching from the couches. I can feel Nick’s eyes on me, watching me, focused on my body and even though I know he cheated it doesn’t seem to matter to my drunk brain, the idea of him watching makes me feel hot and turned on.

  While I dance, I move my hands over my body and replay all the things he told Chrissy on the in-store phone over the summer before we started dating. The sound of his voice floats through my mind and I feel heat rising to my cheeks. “I want to fuck her. I want to take her clothes off and bend her over. Her body is fucking nice, she’s like a fuck-toy. That ass, those tits, those lips, that face. Holy shit.” I dance up to Amanda and Anne, grinding with them, laughing. We grind down low together, sexy and dirty.

  Finally there’s a knock at the door, and Anne races to answer it, practically jumping and quivering in her excitement.

  “Seth!!!” she squeals as she pulls open the door. I look up and my jaw drops. It’s Jared’s friend Seth. I stop dancing and run up to them in drunken ridiculous exuberance.

  “Seth!!” I say, my excitement almost as much as Anne’s. Seth smiles at Anne and then he recognizes me.

  “Vicky?!” he says with surprise as he walks into the apartment. “How do you know Anne?” He seems glad to see me and I’m glad to have someone at the party who knows Jared. It brings him back to me full force and I immediately think of his face, his body, how nice and down to earth he is and Nick is totally forgotten.

  “Anne and I work together at the grocery store down the street,” I say with a huge smile. Anne bustles Seth into the living room, taking his coat, and holding out a chair for him. Clearly the king has arrived. As soon as he sits down, Seth pulls out a pipe and bag of grass and everyone quickly joins the circle around him, eager for a hit. I pull up a chair next to him as he packs the bowl and takes a long toke himself. As he exhales, I say, “How do you know Anne?”

  “Anne and I go way back,” he says smiling widely as he passes the bowl to me. I pretend I’m an old pro as I hold the lighter and pipe and pull in the sweet smoke, my lungs immediately expelling it as soon as it enters. I cough and the high floats over me like a gauzy veil, blurred and out of focus, my eyes instantly at half-mast. “Actually Anne and I went to high school together,” he says with a lazy smile, his eyes also half closed. “You talk to Jared lately?” he asks, opening one eye to peer at me above the hazy smoke that circles the room. I pass the bowl to the person next to me and try to think how I should answer this. I guess the truth.

  “Actually not at all,” I say, feeling a lot lighter as the drug takes effect. As I look up and around the circle, Nick catches my eye and smiles his slow seductive smile, his eyes glinting and I quickly look away and back at Seth.

  “Are you serious?” he asks, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees as he peers at me.

  “Yeah, I went to his family party and I haven’t heard from him since. That was two weeks ago now.”

  “Weird, I would have thought he’d have called you or something. He seemed pretty into you,” drawls Seth, leaning back again in his chair, shrugging his shoulders at Jared’s actions.

  “That’s what I thought too,” I say with a light laugh, trying not to act like I had expected too much or that my feelings were hurt. I can tell Nick has heard this conversation and is looking at me, I can feel it, but I’m not going to look at him. After everyone takes a toke, we all laze around talking, soft reggae music flowing in the background, the air smoky and potent.

  Later, at around midnight, Nick corners me near the bathroom as I come out.

  “Hi, Vicky,” he says again with a sleepy smile, his look charming and easy.

  “Hi,” I reply, still high and definitely drunk. His presence is wearing on me. Damn he is rather good looking I think, studying his full mouth as he puts his arm around my shoulders.

  “Maybe we should get together again. I think I messed up a good thing with you, Victoria,” he says, pulling me in closer, his body strong, warm, inviting. I cuddle up closer to him, my drunk mind not functioning quite how my sober mind would. I want someone to want me, and here’s Nick, my lying cheating ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be pretty damn attractive. I smile up at him.

  “I’m not sure we can just jump into that,” I say with a laugh, teasing my fingers at his chest. “Especially considering how you treated me like shit.”

  “I deserve that, I know I do…but I want to make it up to you. Honestly. How about a kiss to ring in the New Year, Vicky?” he asks and before I can respond, he’s leaning down to kiss me.

  As his hot mouth closes over mine, for a moment it’s as if he’s Jared. God, how I want to kiss Jared again
, to be wanted by someone, to feel desirable, to feel physical contact, to not feel frustrated. I lean in, my eyes tightly closed, moving my arms up around his neck, his tongue sneaking into my mouth to deepen the kiss, his smell in my nostrils, spicy and cool. Memories of us fooling around together the summer before surface, lying on the couch at his parents’ house all alone, my jeans on the floor and Nick naked except for his boxers, body hard and toned, rubbing himself against me. I feel my traitor body start to respond to his kiss, wanting more and his fingers slide into the top of my jeans at the back, a little thing he always seems to do when he’s turned on.

  And then I feel someone walking in our direction and I peek out under my eye lashes and see Seth walk around the corner, catching us. Damn!

  I jump and quickly pull away from Nick, walking back down the hallway to the living room, avoiding Seth’s eyes as he passes. Uncomfortable. Shit.

  Nick follows me into the living room, coming up behind me, running his hands over my waist as if we’re already back together. I try to shrug him off with the excuse that I need a new drink and he doesn’t follow me into the kitchen. I pull a handle of vodka forward and lean on it, thinking. Suddenly my ardor for Nick is cooled. He fucking cheated on you, I remind myself. He hurt your feelings over the summer and he doesn’t give a shit. He just wants to get in your pants. He doesn’t deserve even a kiss and he already managed to get that.

  Dammit, somehow it’s kind of intriguing to wonder if maybe he would want to get back with me. The idea makes my pulse throb in unmentionable places, but I’m also nervous, a tight low feeling in my belly. I’ve always felt way of my league sexually with Nick, plus what about Jared? Maybe something could happen? Maybe when I go back to school I’d see him at the frat and he’d talk to me. It sucks, we aren’t even dating and I don’t even know if he likes me and yet I feel like I can’t “cheat” on him with someone else. Then again, what’s stopping me from slutting around with whoever I want?