Angst

by Victoria Sawyer

  I’m fumbling with the doorknob when his warm hand curls around my upper arm, pulling me back to stand in front of him, forcing me to look at him. I’m stiff, arms crossed, legs immobile. My chin moves up very slowly because I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want this situation to be happening. I’m sick about how we explode at each other, I’m sick with the fact that my body is a diseased mess. I never thought this would be me.

  “Victoria, I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he says again when I shake my head, his eyes suddenly softer. “We’ve made a damn mess of this. Listen, I’ll tell you, okay…cause I can commiserate?”

  I nod very stiffly, what choice do I have? I want to hear what he has to say. He looks at me for a moment and then sits down on the couch, head in hands.

  “So…My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with Brad, among other people, and he doesn’t know I know because we were…are supposedly friends and our parents are friends. He thinks he’s the man, sleeping with other people’s girlfriends, fucking everything that moves. I wanted to punch him in the face the other night when he started talking about you. I was thinking, God dammit, here’s another girl he fucked that I’m interested in. Fuck you, Brad. I nearly did take a swing at him as he was gloating about how he slept with you, but instead I stormed off to get into a screaming match with you. Smart choice, clearly.”

  Holyshit...he’s sharing. He might open up. I want to hold my breath so as not to interrupt, but I’m overflowing with questions. I want to know more.

  “Wait, your ex-girlfriend, is she the bitch? When did you break up?” I ask, the words ‘Girl…I’m interested in’ repeating in my head. Was he really interested in me? Did he just admit it? He doesn’t look at me, just rubs his eyes.

  “We broke up in October. I found out she had been cheating on me. She cheated with Brad this summer and then another one of my friends from the frat at the beginning of the school year and God knows who else. She’s a fucking party girl, a drunk, who was sleeping with all kinds of people behind my back. I fucking loved her and she didn’t give a shit and destroyed our relationship. She’s a bitch,” he says bitterly. A thought dawns on me and I speak even before I’ve had time to process.

  “Brad was probably with her, when he was also trying to get with me, that fucking jerk. But I wouldn’t sleep with him even though he wanted me to, which is why he ditched me. Fucking really is all he cares about. Wait, where the hell is your ex now?”

  “She transferred, thank God. Although over break she called me and was trying to get me to see her again. That’s why I didn’t call you initially. I had family stuff for the holidays and then she starts calling me, telling me she wants to return something of mine, when really she wanted to get together to try to trick me into taking her back. And she somehow finagled her way into the New Year’s party I went to and got drunk, throwing herself at me. She said she wanted to come back to NHU.

  “Then, next thing I know Seth tells me he saw you making out with some guy at Anne’s party. I thought, well, that’s it, she was never really into you anyway dumbass. I mean after you ran away the first time and then were kind of cool afterward, I thought, if she’s kissing someone else, she was never in to you. Then you proved me right by being with someone else at that next frat party.” He looks up at me with a tiny smile, his face kind of sad and serious and then he continues.

  “Here’s the thing…I’m fucked up over this thing with my ex. I’ve kind of got this jealousy/trust problem now. I sort of suspected she might be fucking around with other guys for a long time but whenever I’d try to mention it or call her on it, she’d find a way to prove to me that she hadn’t been with anyone. And I believed her.

  “She pulled the same shit you do, dancing with all kinds of different guys, even when I was around, letting them touch her, drinking, doing drugs, flirting and always telling me nothing was going on. I was fine for a while, until I really couldn’t ignore it. And then eventually it all came to light and she threw it in my face, announcing that she had been cheating for a while and she wanted out of our relationship and hadn’t been happy. It really sucked. But I’m damn glad it’s over now…honestly I wasn’t too excited to be with someone else like her.

  “Damn, Victoria, you were scaring the shit out of me. And the truth is…I couldn’t ignore you. I couldn’t stop liking you or wanting to be around you. The problem was, I knew if I let myself get physical with you, I’d be so fucking miserable afterward because I knew that I’d fall for you hard and I was sure you wouldn’t give a shit. You don’t know what kind of hellish depression I’ve been in since we fooled around.”

  My mouth hangs open and my heart speeds up. He likes me! OMG! I can’t believe all this. Brad, his Ex, my Ex, everything.

  “Jesus, Jared,” I say, sliding down on the couch next to him, staring off into space, eyes unfocused, thinking. I can’t believe this. Everything out in the open, finally. He liked me, I fucked it up. I liked him, he fucked it up. Miscommunication, assumptions, general stupidity, God we screwed up.

  “Listen, I’m not like her when I’m in a relationship. I’m only like that when I’m miserable because the guy I like isn’t paying any attention to me. Plus I only kissed my ex because he was coming on to me and I was drunk and wishing he was you because you never called me. And then you still didn’t call and I gave up. I figured you were never in to me. I thought you only wanted me physically, never emotionally or in any other way. But I’ve seriously never slept with anyone, other than you, that is. And truth is, I’ve been crazy about you for months. You’ve been driving me insane! And I thought if I could get physical with you, you’d finally admit there was more between us.”

  He looks up at me and smiles, this beautiful, open smile, then looks down and laughs.

  “So…does this mean we have to wait for the antibiotics to work before we can have that amazing sex again?” he asks peeking over at me with a glint of amusement in his eyes. I laugh, completely overwhelmed that this is it, this is us finally coming together. OMG! Then I get serious and clinical.

  “Yes, we have to wait exactly 10 days.”

  “I think I can wait 10 days for you,” he says, “although I was getting pretty worried that I’d never get to have sex like that again in my life.”

  I laugh and then say, “Wait, what about fucking Stacia, I thought maybe you were with her?”

  He looks over at me with wide scared eyes, “Hell no! She’s liked me forever and is always trying to get me to date her, but I would never date Stacia. She’s like a friend, and an annoying one at that. I was only with her the other night because I was feeling so shitty about you and wanted some company.”

  “Thank God, I was afraid that you had really bad taste,” I say, leaning against his shoulder, grinning at him from behind my hand and he looks over at me, eyes sparkling, a tiny smirk on his lips. And then he kisses me, gently, hands moving up on either side of my face and it’s like my world has opened up. Amid my tragedy, somehow there is light.

  April 10, 2005

  Socially arrested

  Tonight I feel like royalty. I’m dressed up, new clothes, low cut top, sparkly eye shadow, hair down, my lips swiped with lipstick and gloss. I’m so fucking glam-o-rous ‘cause I’m ready to be with him and I have never felt better about my love life or my sex life. But like normal, inside it’s a different story. I’m really nervous, trapped inside my own body, shellacked inside a beautiful, supposedly confident, outer casing, but trembling inside like a piece of Jello. Big surprise. It’s cause for self-hatred, and of course I don’t disappoint.

  The drive over to Jared’s apartment is hell, as it normally is, because I am stone cold sober and hyped up on anxiety and panic, heart throbbing, burning hot, stomach twisted, unable to stop. I don’t have any alcohol to calm myself down. I’ve actually fallen that far into insanity that I think I’m willing to drink before driving somewhere, just so I don’t have to experience these terrified feelings. It’s a miserable existence. D
rinking and driving, doing drugs to escape. I’ll do just about anything these days to make sure that no one finds out my secret and that it won’t hold me back from doing what I want or appearing normal. And I really don’t want to tell Jared, but I’m afraid that the truth will have to come out if we keep seeing each other. It will become impossible to hide it when he asks me to do certain things and I always come up with an excuse. Excuses only work for so long.

  I pull into his driveway and find a parking spot, my heart thudding and I can’t breathe. I don’t want to go in because it creates the perception that I’m here to stay. Leaving right after arrival is weird. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing thoughts. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of Jared. I don’t want to be sick. But I am. I feel terrible. Throat closing, pulse racing, bowels tight. I think about my life now, I’m barely living.

  These days work is only accomplished with a maximum amount of stress and only because I have to go. School is tough too. Every time I enter a classroom I feel afraid, especially in classes where I’m supposed to participate. Big lecture halls are easier, the anonymity holding the panic just barely at bay. Poetry and art class are tough. I’m expected to participate in class conversations about everyone’s work. I’m expected to sit there and every class, every single minute is excruciating. I’m not entirely sure what’s pushing me over the edge, but I have a good idea. It’s the stress, it’s the accumulation of everything that has happened to me this momentous year. It is every new experience, every new worry or threat, every stupid mistake and choice I’ve made. My entire life is on the brink of disaster. I can feel it in my body, physically manifesting itself in a tense quivering fear that lives within me constantly now. I can’t get rid of it.

  But there is a positive to all this terrible shit: Jared, OMG. We’ve been together for a month now and it’s eye-opening, like nothing I’ve ever been a part of before. He’s perfect, funny, cool, smart, caring. And alienating him with my issues is the last thing I want to do. He’s important to me, and not just because he’s desperately good looking. He’s so much more than that to me now. He’s kind, compassionate, thoughtful and I think, honestly, I’m falling in love with him. So I have to try to hold on, try to keep body and mind together so that I can be with him. I feel alive when I’m with him. I feel more right than I normally do. But it’s getting harder and harder every day to stop the panic.

  I ease out of the car and stand there in the cold air, my breath coming in wispy gasps. Ok, you can do this. You must. He expects you to be here and you want to be here. I inhale again, steadying myself.

  #######################

  Jared wants to walk right over to the frat and my feeble attempts to get him interested in pre-gaming are failing. He keeps telling me we’ll drink when we get there. Damn it. And now we’re heading out to walk through the cold air toward the frat, holding hands, constantly looking at each other, smiling. I’m pretending that I don’t feel so sick that I might die and somehow it’s working. He hasn’t picked up on it yet. I’m stunned by the stark contrasts in my life. Panic filled days, only relieved by inebriated nights.

  We’re nearing the frat now, the low sound of bass pumping through the air getting stronger. I look over at Jared and grin, completely taken by surprise that he is mine, that we are together. He smiles back, a cute little sideways smile and I dissolve inside. He looks good tonight, his curly hair damp from the shower, his leather coat fitting tight against his big body, a slight scent of aftershave or cologne emanating from him, spicy yet cool. I take a minute to fantasize about what he looks like beneath his clothes, and my heart races. Good distraction technique: Victoria 1, Panic 0. Not that it will last.

  Inside, we throw our coats in Andy’s room, Jared producing an extra key from his pocket for this purpose, and finally make our way into the basement where we’re meeting Andy, Hannah, Samantha and Ian. My nerves begin to spike now that we’re here and I’m sober. I need alcohol as soon as possible because I can feel the knot beginning to form in my stomach when I think about walking down the stairs and into the basement. What if I want to leave? What if I feel sick? What will I do? I try to push my worries out of my mind, focusing on Jared, studying my boyfriend, reveling in how good looking and confident he appears. I’m envious of someone who has it all, when I feel damn wanting.

  Once we reach the floor of the basement, I push off in the direction of the drink station, telling Jared over my shoulder that I’ll grab us both a beer. Once there, I pump two extra full cups, mine sloshing over the top in my exuberance to get it inside me as quickly as possible. I take a large sip and then another gulp, knowing that I’ll have to drink this entire cup if I want to feel calm. Even then it might not be enough. I know what will happen. I’ll drink this cup and I’ll start to feel better, but then suddenly I’ll be reminded of my problem and I’ll start to feel sick and my thoughts will spin and I’ll want to vomit. That sequence will keep happening until I am so drunk that I won’t be able to think straight. Fuck yeah, let’s get started betch.

  I look across the room, watching him talk to Ian and Samantha. God I’m nervous to be here with him. It’s like I have to live up to some kind of expectation, except I know that it’s my own sick sense of expectation and not something anyone else cares about, at least not Jared. He smiles at me from across the room as I make my way back toward him, two beers in hand, mine already half gone. It’s disgustingly embarrassing that I have to drink to stay calm in social situations. I hate myself with a fuckin passion. Yea!! I put on a fake smile for him to mask my self-hatred, shaking my hips as I walk to the music.

  Jared grabs his beer from me, waving to Andy from across the room. Andy is with Hannah and as they make their way toward us through the crowd, Hannah is smiling at me like she’s won the lottery. As soon as she reaches me she grabs my arm, steering me toward the drink table, indicating her need for a beer.

  “What’s up?” I ask, yelling to be heard over the music, looking at her smiling, happy go lucky face.

  “Nothin,” she replies slyly, looking over her shoulder at Jared and Andy and finally, as we’re far enough away, looking back at me.

  “Ok, not nothing. Andy and I are officially together! Can you believe it?” she says, clearly over the moon, her smile covering her face, eyes sparkling in the dim light.

  “Really!” I say, excited for her, knowing how she’s been crushing on him for months, just like I had been with Jared. “Well, what happened? Tell me everything!” I say.

  “There’s not too much to tell. When I got here tonight we had a talk and he told me he really cares about me and he wanted to make things official between us.” I laugh grabbing her hand in my exuberance.

  “I’m happy for you! Oh my God, it’s funny,” I say with a smile, “I love how straightforward Andy is, although it took him long enough. Goddamn Jared for being complicated and mysterious.” Hannah smiles back at me, pumping my hand as Jared and Andy make their way toward us. Everyone is laughing and smiling and I’m discreetly pounding my drink, hoping that we won’t move away from the keg before it’s time for a refill, when something Andy says, stops my heart dead.

  “Seth called, he says there’s this great party over at the Mills tonight and that we should stop by. I do want to get the hell out of here for once. What do you guys say? I could drive?” he says looking around the circle of faces expectantly. Jared is the first to speak.

  “Is it at Tommy’s apartment in dirty Dover? I’d definitely be down for visiting him,” he says with a grin.

  Ian and Samantha nod and so does Hannah, clearly wanting to do whatever Andy wants. I’m the only person left standing. Andy stares as me and I shrug my shoulders. I really don’t want to go, but what can I say? I need more alcohol before I can be ready for something like that. Andy will drive and we’ll all go in his car and we all know (ok, the royal we) how I handle car trips. I haven’t had nearly enough alcohol yet. What can I say, what can I do?

  “I’m not sure,” I s
ay and everyone’s eyes turn on me, waiting for my master excuse. I’ve got nothing!

  “Come on, Victoria, it’ll be fun,” Jared says with a smile, putting his arm around me. I feel like a loser, the person who makes everyone else’s night not fun. But I’m panicking inside, my heart tripping along, my hand holding my beer suddenly trembling. I can’t go. I’ve already had a hard time getting here and now they want to go somewhere else? I will undoubtedly embarrass myself in the car with Jared there to witness. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t! My stomach clenches and so I use my avoidance card for the moment.

  “I’ve got to use the bathroom,” I say and I know my face looks tense and I know they’ve noticed, but I don’t care because I have to escape. I have to leave the room and try to gather my wits. I’m up the stairs in an instant and finally in the dirty frat bathroom. I just stand there in the stall, my stomach contracting like hurricane waves. Slosh, slosh, motherfucka, you poor fucking bitch. Oh my God, I need to be sick, my stomach aches so badly. But I can’t allow it because if I get sick I’ll just throw up all the alcohol I just consumed. I need to keep at least that much inside me. What can I do? What? I need to find a secret stash of alcohol and down it.

  I hug my stomach, trying to stop the cutting pain, thoughts racing, imagining all the places where alcohol might be. Downstairs is clearly out. Andy’s room is locked so that’s out too. Other rooms might not be and might have alcohol, but I can’t go rummaging around without being caught. I start thinking about the frat kitchen. I’ve been in there once before with Andy during a party and saw the cabinets. There was one with some hard alcohol and typical me, my eyes zeroed in on it. I have no idea if it might still be in there or not. But I have to check. If I can just down about half a bottle of vodka, I can go to that party. I can appear normal, if drunk, to Jared and he won’t find out about my problem. I can’t let him find out.