by Janet Dailey
‘Would you like a drink, miss?’ an attractive waitress inquired.
‘No, a cup of coffee, please.’ To quiet her jumping nerves, she added to herself.
‘We’ll order later,’ Patrick dismissed the girl sharply, noticing the sudden pallor in Tanya’s face followed by an immediate rush of bright pink. He moved to put a reassuring hand over hers, but she hastily drew it into her lap. Neither spoke until after the waitress had returned with their coffee.
‘I’m sorry you’re so uncomfortable, Tanya. I wish there was some other way we could meet,’ Patrick apologized.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ she shrugged nervously. ‘I only came to tell you this would be the first and last time I would meet you.’
‘What did you say?’ A stunned disbelief underlined his words.
‘I’m sorry, Patrick. But I just can’t see you any more, like this.’
‘Why?’ he demanded with that incredulous sound still in his voice.
‘I tried to write you a letter and explain, but it sounded so cold and trite on paper. That’s why I decided to meet you today, so I could explain —’ Tanya glanced over at the rigidly set lines of his face, ‘that Jake and I have agreed to see if we can’t make our marriage work.’
‘What?’ Patrick’s anger exploded around her. He leaned forward, controlling his temper with obvious difficulty. ‘You all but told me yourself that your marriage to Lassiter was a farce, perpetrated for the benefit of the boy. Why this sudden concern after seven years of separation to make it a fact?’
‘We aren’t just suddenly making our marriage a fact,’ Tanya corrected stiffly, reacting to his sharp sarcasm. ‘It’s very unlikely that it will work out at all.’
‘If you feel that pessimistic, why did you bother to agree?’
Her motives were too uncertain to bear close scrutiny. If she was falling in love with Jake, as she suspected, there would come a time when she couldn’t fool him any longer. Then the little affection and trust she might gain in these next few months would be destroyed. How would she be able to hold him except through John? And could she do that knowing the disgust Jake would feel for her?
Tanya drew a deep, shuddering breath. ‘I agreed because Jake indicated that if, after a few months’ trial period, we didn’t think our marriage could be successful, a divorce would be the obvious alternative.’
Her explanation visibly abated his anger.
‘Has divorce never been mentioned before?’
‘No, because of John. Since Jake has come home, I believe he’s discovered that I’ve never spoken ill of him in front of John nor attempted to prejudice John against his father. I think Jake feels now that a divorce won’t mean the loss of his son’s affection and trust.’ And that knowledge depressed Tanya. ‘The Lassiters have a very strong sense of family ties. Unless I was willing to give up John, Jake would never have divorced me before.’
‘Forgive me for being so angry a moment ago,’ Patrick smiled apologetically. ‘I can understand now why you agreed to go along with Lassiter’s proposal. But where does that leave me?’
She had known that question would eventually arise. Some instinct told her it would be futile to ask him to wait — futile for Patrick.
‘I mustn’t see you any more,’ she explained, meeting his gaze evenly so he could see the determination written in her eyes. His strong features took on a bleak look.
“Do you honestly believe Jake is going to stop seeing Sheila?”
Inwardly Tanya reeled from the almost physical blow of his question. She hadn’t really known whether Jake was seeing Sheila or not, except for that day she had gone boating with John and him. But Patrick was Sheila’s brother and he ought to know.
‘I don’t know if he is or not,’ surprised by the calmness of her response. ‘It doesn’t affect my decision to not see you again.’
‘Is there a reason why I should wait?’ He methodically searched her face, a grimness stealing into his expression even before she replied.
‘No, I’m not asking you to wait.’
‘That says it all, doesn’t it?’ he announced bitterly.
‘I’m sorry, Patrick. I’m truly sorry. I know you’re fond of me —’
‘Fond of you! My God, that’s the understatement of the year!’ he muttered, turning abruptly away from the guilty look that appeared in Tanya’s eyes. Then in an ominously quiet aside, he asked, ‘Did you tell Jake you were coming here?’
‘No, of course not!’ she replied in a startled voice.
‘He’s just walked in. No! Don’t look around!’ he hissed as she started to turn in her seat.
Her stomach lurched with sickening nausea. ‘Has he seen us?’ she whispered.
‘No, I don’t think he has. He’s with that McCloud man from Denver. They’ve just sat down at a table and Lassiter has his back to us.’ He darted her a cynical glance. ‘I take it you don’t want him to know that you met me today?’
‘No,’ she murmured weakly, not able to draw a secure breath, knowing that any moment Jake could walk up to the table and confront them. ’What are we going to do?’
‘We can’t leave without being seen, so I suggest we have some lunch,’ Patrick shrugged, signalling to the waitress that they were ready to order.
Tanya picked at the salad she had ordered and ended up leaving most of it uneaten. Conversation was pointless, considering there was nothing left to be said and it was not a time to be discussing the weather. It seemed as though Jake was lingering an excessively long time over lunch and the minutes went by with nerve-crackling slowness.
‘I think they’re going to leave,’ Patrick announced, darting a quick glance at their table. ‘They are. They’re walking to the front now. We’ll give them a few minutes.’
Tanya felt as if she had been given a reprieve from the death sentence. In all they gave them ten minutes before Patrick escorted her to the cloakroom to get her raincoat and umbrella.
‘We should probably leave here separately,’ he said.
‘Yes,’ she nodded in numb agreement. Hesitantly she extended a hand to him. ‘I’m sorry the way things worked out, Patrick.’
‘Not half as sorry as I am,’ he replied, holding her hand for a brief second. ‘Good luck, Tanya. I’m afraid you’re going to need it.’
Unconsciously Tanya counted to a hundred before she followed the already departed Patrick from the restaurant. The drizzling rain had diminished to a light mist, so she didn’t bother opening her umbrella for the short walk to her car. She paused at the narrow drive to allow an approaching car to pass before crossing to the car-park. As it drew closer, she recognized with a growing terror the light blue Seville as her own car, and the man behind the wheel was Jake. Escape was impossible.
The car halted in front of her and Jake stepped out to walk around and open the passenger door. The leashed fury in his expression sent shivers of fear down her spine while the blue polar ice chips in his eyes froze any hope that she could explain. Her legs numbly carried her towards the open door.
‘At which hotel are you supposed to be meeting him?’ His mouth curled into a derisive sneer.
Pride guided the hand that connected with his face and seconds later kept the tears at bay when he grabbed her by the shoulders and gave her a vicious shake. The cold glints of steel warned her of the rage she had aroused, but the humiliation his accusation had brought wasn’t lessened by his anger. Jake shoved her roughly in the car and slammed the door.
Minutes later they were speeding down the highway, Tanya guessing that he was taking her home. She was too miserable to care as he took the scenic back roads at an unlawful pace. His freezing silence was nearly more condemning than his words, and she could have wept with pain. It was an agonizing journey, made more so by the stolen glances in his direction. Every time she gathered the courage to explain why she had met Patrick, it died before the words could ever reach her lips, cut down by the unrelenting set of his jaw.
The instant he stopped the car in
front of the garage, Tanya bolted for the house, praying to reach her room before her control collapsed and the tears washed down her cheeks. But Jake was faster, his hand closing over her arm and jerking her back under the overhang.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he ground out savagely.
Her words came out with bitter swiftness, uncaring that she was only adding salt to her own wounds. ‘To call Patrick, of course, so he won’t worry when I don’t show up! What else did you think?’
‘I’d like to wring your dishonest neck.’ His fingers closed over her throat as if he meant to carry out his threat. ‘The bargain we made didn’t stretch to cover a lover on the side. What did you intend to do? Play both of us along?’
‘For your information, I wasn’t playing anybody along.’ The indignant words had difficulty leaving her tightly gripped throat. ‘I met Patrick to tell him I wouldn’t see him any more, and I don’t care whether you believe me or not!’
The hard, cold expression remained on his face as he stared with uncompromising harshness into her tawny brown eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
‘I can’t tolerate being lied to,’ Jake growled, slackening his hold on her throat. ‘If this isn’t the truth, I’ll find out eventually.’
It was always the ’eventuallys’ that frightened Tanya. She closed her eyes, feeling a tear escape her lashes and made a watery trail down her cheek.
‘It’s the truth, Jake,’ she murmured, her eyes blinking open when his hand left her throat. He was staring down his classically straight nose at her face, openly seeking a sign of falseness. ‘I thought it was only fair to let him know about our decision to —’ Her voice broke in a sob. She bowed her head to fight for composure while brushing the tear from her cheek.
‘You crazy, idiotic female,’ Jake declared with a humourless laugh. ‘When I saw you in that restaurant with Raines and realized that was why you had panicked when I asked you to meet me, I could have cheerfully beaten you both. Rad McCloud had to keep repeating himself because I couldn’t concentrate on a thing he was saying. All I could think about was the two of you brazenly meeting in a public restaurant and you thumbing your nose at the agreement we’d just made.’
‘It wasn’t like that,’ she declared. Her voice was choked, but she drew her head back to stare up at him with pride.
His hands reached out, almost touching her shoulders before they fell back to his side. There was an enigmatic quality to his eyes that only told Tanya that the anger was gone.
‘I know that now.’ He took one of her hands and held it gently in his own. The unconscious circular motion of his thumb had an oddly seductive effect. ‘I owe you an apology and this time I do apologize. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt, or at least heard your explanation before I laid into you.’
‘You believe me?’ Tanya breathed. She hadn’t expected that and it caught her unaware. She wanted to fling herself in his arms and be held there until all the coldness and pain melted away.
‘Yes, I believe you.’ A ghost of a smile curved his mouth.
‘Thank you,’ withdrawing her hand and lowering her gaze before she succumbed to her impulse. She moistened her lips, feeling his eyes catch the movement. ‘I should have told you what I intended to do.’
‘We haven’t got to the point of trusting each other yet,’ Jake said. ‘But look at it this way. This unfortunate incident did allow us to find out more about one another.’
‘How do you mean?’ Tanya glanced at him warily.
‘You’ve always known I have an ugly temper, but I hope you found out today that I’m capable of admitting I was wrong when I’ve made a mistake.’ His expression was decidedly friendly but nothing more. ‘And I’ve learned that you aren’t the type of woman to deceive me deliberately. I’m glad you’re honest, Tanya, because I’m not the kind of man who will let himself be used.’
‘I think I guessed that,’ she swallowed, an unnatural pallor to her skin as she turned away.
‘You didn’t have a chance to do any shopping,’ Jake’s low voice followed her. ‘Since I have to drive back to Springfield, you’re welcome to come along.’
‘No. Thank you, but I don’t really need anything.’ A small, forced smile was sent his direction over her shoulder.
She thought he might follow her, but as she reached the front door, she heard the car door shut and the motor start. Jake was reversing out of the drive as she entered the house.
Tanya was setting the table for the evening meal when Jake returned in the company of his father. The tapping of her mother-in-law’s shoes sounded in the hallway as she made her way to the foyer to greet her husband and son. There was a rush of smaller footsteps and Tanya knew John had heard them, too. Setting the last tumbler on the table, she wished that she could casually go meet them too, but she remained in the dining room listening to their voices.
‘What have we here, Jake?’ she heard Julia ask in a gay voice, followed immediately by John’s, ‘What’s that?’
‘It’s a present,’ Jake replied easily. ‘Where’s your mother?’
‘I don’t know,’ John answered.
‘Setting the table,’ Julia replied, a little coolly Tanya thought, her curiosity aroused.
There was a rustle of paper and John saying, ‘They’re pretty.’ Then firm footsteps approached the dining room and Tanya held her breath. Jake was coming to see her. She turned away from the open doorway until the quick glow of pleasure subsided from her eyes. Her fingers moved nervously, needlessly adjusting the silverware beside the china plates as he walked in to stop behind her.
‘The table looks fine to me,’ he commented lazily, almost as though he knew her readjustment was a pretence to keep from looking at him.
Immediately Tanya began reciting the casual words of greeting. ‘Hello, Jake. I heard you and J.D. come in,’ beginning to turn to face him. ’Dinner will be ready shortly.’
Her calm expression turned to stunned surprise as she stared at the bouquet of bright orange roses in his hands — a bold, pure orange that was startling in its perfection.
‘They’re for you. Aren’t you going to take them?’ There was a gentle amusement in his voice.
Numbly Tanya took the bouquet, a faint rose fragrance tickling her nose. One finger touched the velvet-soft petal of a full bloom to assure herself the tangerine roses were real.
‘Do you like them?’
‘They’re beautiful,’ she replied in an awed tone, blinking her rounded eyes in his direction. ‘But you didn’t have to b —’
‘I wanted to do it,’ his low-pitched voice replied quietly.
‘Because of this afternoon,’ Tanya supplied, finding herself saddened that the roses were a gift of atonement for his loss of temper.
‘You’re not a child to be appeased into good humour by a gift, Tanya,’ Jake smiled, the caressing touch of his gaze sent her heart beating a rapid tattoo against her ribs. ‘We can’t make up for the hurt we’ve done to each other in the past. We can only try not to hurt each other in the future.’
‘Then why the roses?’ She stared into the shimmering depths of his eyes, trying to find a motive for his unexpected generosity.
‘Simply because I wanted to buy some unusual flowers for an unusual woman. Is that all right?’ The tenderly teasing words reached out to enfold her in their warmth.
‘Yes,’ Tanya breathed, lowering her gold-flecked gaze to examine a rose. ‘No one’s ever given me flowers before,’ she mused, not really realizing she had said it aloud.
‘Surely you’ve received corsages before?’ he mocked.
‘That’s not the same thing,’ she denied quickly, glancing into his face to be nearly blinded by the brilliant light in his eyes. Jake redirected his gaze to the rose she had been studying, touching its softness lightly with his hand, while Tanya watched.
‘No, I guess it isn’t the same thing,’ he agreed quietly.
The amused line of his mouth held her mesmerized even as she recog
nized it coming closer to her. Then his mouth was brushing hers in an infinitely sweet caress that ended much too soon. The swiftly rising colour in her cheeks made it difficult for her to look at him with any degree of composure.
‘I’d better put these flowers in water,’ she murmured, taking a hasty step backwards and nearly bolting from the room.
Julia was in the kitchen. A curious, almost doubting gleam came into her eyes when Tanya walked in with the roses. She followed her over to the sink as though waiting for some explanation from her daughter-in-law which didn’t come.
‘They are lovely, aren’t they?’ Julia finally spoke. ‘Why don’t you arrange them in the Oriental vase? They would make a beautiful centrepiece for the table.’
‘If you don’t mind, Julia, I’d rather take them to my room.’ Tanya darted a glance at the older woman, loath to share her first gift from Jake with the rest of the family while knowing she was being absurdly sentimental.
Julia Lassiter drew back coldly; her expression was one of just being slapped down after making a friendly gesture. ‘Well, of course you may take them to your room. I was only making a suggestion. Jake did give them to you.’ Her hurt tone plainly added that she thought she was a more worthy recipient of such a gift.
Tanya sighed, stubbornly refusing to let the hint of rebuke sway her decision to take the flowers to her room as she suspected it was supposed to have done. She knew they weren’t red roses, the flower of love. They were only meant as a friendly gesture on Jake’s part, but that didn’t count as much as the fact that he had given her something that he hadn’t felt obligated to do.
‘May I still use the Oriental vase?’ she asked politely, knowing the exotic orange blooms would look exactly right with the brilliant patterns of greens, golds, blues, oranges in the vase.
‘Certainly,’ Julia smiled calmly, letting Tanya know that she could be generous and share her things even if Tanya would not.
Later that evening, in the solitude of her room, she singled out the special rose that Jake had touched and pressed it between the pages of her parents’ Bible, the only possession she had kept of theirs. She chided herself for giving in to the romantic impulse that had prompted her actions. It was an open admission of love for her husband, a love that she had been fighting because she knew it would eventually bring her unbearable pain.
